Adrift
by christinaking
Summary: When you reach the breaking point, how do you gather the pieces of yourself back together again? (Emily/Derek, Emily/JJ)
1. Chapter 1

_I know I'm taking a departure here from my usual stories in many ways. I've written the first several chapters already - just went off on a spree the other day and kept writing. _

_There is some f/f in here, so if you don't like that, don't read. And there's Demily, too. And a whole lot of messy angst. It largely follows the timeline of the show in terms of established personal relationships, but I play with them a bit during and after that. _

_Several chapters are spent during those many months when Emily was away and Derek thought she was dead. There will be a casefic in here at some point, but I'm not sure how much I'll delve into the actual case...we shall see. In other words, a long bit of free-form writing with pairings including: Emily/Derek, JJ/Emily, JJ/Will, Emily/Other, Derek/Savannah. Alternating points of view (Emily, Derek and JJ)_

_Based loosely off a prompt received in a PM. Let's see where it goes!..._

* * *

March 2011

She, Emily Prentiss, was going to die. It wasn't a matter of "if," it was a matter of "when." She sat there when Doyle walked away, taking in the cool night air in deep breaths to try and calm her racing heart, and conceded to the inevitable. She was going to kill him, his team would take her down, she would die for her efforts, but it would be worth it because her family would be safe. Plain and simple.

She knew where her family was at the moment because Doyle had told her. He'd told her because he was spying on them. He must have cameras in the BAU somehow. Which meant, if she did what she planned to do, Doyle would be watching, and she wanted him to. Doyle was probably watching her everywhere and would be waiting to watch her crumble in fear on this night. She wanted to do the exact opposite and take back some control. It was selfish and she knew it. But she was scared out of her mind, and sad about dying, and her need for human connection at that moment overrode sensibility, and she just wanted this one time before she died.

The liquor store nearest FBI headquarters was crowded that Friday night. Her fingers immediately went for the bottle of silver Patron. Her favorite. And his. She paid for the bottle and made her way the three blocks on foot, using the walk to make sure she knew what she was doing and really wanted it. She swiped her ID at the side entrance without hesitation and climbed up the stairs.

The BAU floor was deserted, except for the faint glow of a screen flickering in Morgan's office. She found a dark corner, one where she could watch the door of his office, but they couldn't see her. If he was here watching a movie with Penelope on a Friday night, she knew Penelope would leave after, and he would stay to do paperwork because it probably meant he had a date he didn't want to miss on Saturday night. She knew, because unlike Doyle believed, she'd always been invited to join them, and many times she did. Sometimes she and Penelope would leave and go get a drink together before calling it a night, but Derek mostly always stayed, catching up on paperwork so he could potentially have an entire two days unencumbered by work. That's what she was counting on.

She looked at her watch. The movie had to be almost over. Sure enough, the lights went on in Morgan's office a few minutes later, and Penelope came out carrying an empty popcorn bowl, a smile on her face. "Get that paperwork done so you can have fun tomorrow night, my God among men."

Emily could hear Morgan chuckle at that. She took a swig from the tequila bottle and watched and waited. She watched Garcia make her way towards her office, and a minute later watched her friend emerge with purse in hand and get in the elevator. Taking one more swig of tequila, she walked up the stairs and made her way to Morgan's office.

He didn't notice her at first, leaning against his doorway. "All work and no play makes Derek a dull boy," she said with a small smile on her face.

His eyes landed on her, stunned. This wasn't something she'd normally say. She wouldn't normally be standing in his office late on a Friday night with a partially drunk bottle of tequila in her hand and, what she hoped, was a seductive smile on her face.

She held the bottle out to him. "Want some?"

"Emily?" he asked, concern and curiosity mixing in his voice. "I thought you said you couldn't hang out tonight."

"That was a few hours ago. I had some things to take care of. I have time now."

He gestured towards the chair opposite his desk. "What's wrong?"

She took a gamble that Doyle was not hacking into the video feed from the FBI security cameras, because Penelope would have noticed that. His cameras must be elsewhere in this building, this office, somehow. She grabbed the chair opposite Derek's desk and dragged it to the corner of the room, standing on it and flicking the nearly invisible little switch that Garcia had installed on all the office cameras in the BAU, the switch that automatically put the image on loop feed from whatever was going on five minutes earlier, their protective measure against the prying eyes of Strauss if the team needed absolute privacy. She closed the door, left the chair where it was and walked to his side of the desk, leaning against it, taking in his wide eyes, and handing him the bottle.

"Nothing's wrong, Morgan. I just stopped by to see if you were still here."

"With a bottle of Patron?"

She smiled again, "It is Friday, after all."

He looked at the bottle. "You've already done a couple of shots?"

She smirked. "Time to catch up."

He stared at her and took a swig from the bottle before passing it back to her. She took a healthy swig herself, relishing the burn as the liquid moved down her throat.

"What 'things' did you have to take care of?" he asked, his face a mixture of deep confusion and concern with just a bit of amusement and curiosity there under the surface.

She shrugged her shoulders like it didn't matter that much. "I was meeting a man for coffee, but it didn't work out how I hoped it would."

"Sorry," he murmured.

She shrugged again. "No big deal. He was kind of an asshole, truth be told. No, he was probably the biggest asshole ever, actually," she said with a smile and a small laugh.

"So you came back here?" he asked.

She scooted a little closer, so she almost right in front of him, and hopped up on the desk, legs crossed. "Yep. Because you're not an asshole at all. Not even a little, and I wanted to be around someone like that."

In her heart, she knew she was being manipulative and awful, but she pushed those feelings down. She just needed to _know_ before she died. She vowed she'd take Doyle down with her so Morgan would never be in any danger. And even if it didn't work out, she would definitely be dead, and Doyle would be satisfied and get the hell out of the US as fast as possible. Derek would be safe. She just needed this, one time, before her life was over.

He caught her eyes and finally smiled. "I'm glad you know I'm not an asshole."

She grinned. "That's what I was thinking about in the car when I drove away from where I met him. You and I have flirted on occasion and I thought, 'What the hell am I waiting for?'"

Derek gulped. "What?"

"Do you know how long it's been since I fucked someone and it wasn't a complete waste of time with me just wishing it was over? That's what I was thinking about as my car drove back towards Quantico instead of going home. I don't think it would be like that with you. I think with you, I'd wish it would never end." Her eyes never left his as she spoke and she watched his eyes grow wider.

"Are you drunk, Emily?"

She shook her head and smiled. "Hardly. We've gone round and round in the flirting department. Aren't you curious?" She handed the bottle back to him.

He took a quick swig, placed the bottle on his desk and cleared his throat. "Of course I am. You know that. We've both read that in each other. But it's against the rules, and it could ruin our friendship."

She almost teared up at that. Soon she'd be dead and their friendship would be over anyway. It was a thought she couldn't bring herself to fully absorb, because she would be so empty without him, without all of them, but mostly him. But she'd be dead and not feeling that. She bit back the sob and instead shifted her legs so her ankle rubbed against his knee slightly.

"Come on Derek. Just once. I just want to feel what it's like to be with someone who knows what he's doing, who isn't an asshole, and who cares about me. It's been forever."

Actually, it had been nine fucking years since she'd felt anything remotely close to sexually satisfying with someone who somewhat cared about her. Nine years. She was a completely selfish bitch for doing this to him, but she just had to know. She'd convinced herself on the drive back here that he'd enjoy having this memory after she was dead, too.

He surveyed her and stood then, his body right up against hers. Her legs parted so he could stand between them. There was something feral in his eyes, years of unacknowledged sexual tension and off and on flirtation rising to the surface. "So you want me to fuck you? Is that what you're saying? Right here, right now?"

She worried her teeth over her bottom lip, but never broke his gaze. "Yes," she whispered.

"Just once?" he almost growled.

"Yes."

"And tomorrow, it will be like nothing happened?"

"Yes."

He laughed, shaking his head, then surprised her by peppering her with questions, questions about the names of victims and unsubs from their past, all of which she answered coherently.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Just making sure you're really not drunk."

His hands reached under her shirt then, running his fingers over the skin of her stomach and back, and she shuddered, goose bumps rising on her skin. She bit her bottom lip harder so she wouldn't moan, those few seconds of touches spreading heat through her body and warmth and wetness between her legs.

"This is fucking crazy. You know that, right?" he asked.

"Yes," she whispered.

He searched her face and she met his eyes. She tried to convey desire and desperate need, because that's exactly what she was feeling; she tried to mask the deceit of it all. He must have found what he was looking for because he stood to close the blinds in his office and locked the door. Her eyes tracked his movements and his eyes locked with hers again when he turned back around. He came to stand in front of her again and placed his hand on her face.

"I always thought if one of us cracked, it would be me begging you for this," he whispered.

She felt an involuntary lump form in her throat and shut her eyes as she swallowed it back. His lips were on hers then, just a whisper of a touch at first, and then the pressure increased. Her hand moved behind his neck and she moaned when she felt his tongue lightly brush against her bottom lip. Her mouth opened and she gave herself over to the slow caresses of their tongues against each other for a few moments before realizing that this couldn't be slow, this couldn't be making love, this needed to just be fucking, or she was going to break down and cry.

She willed her brain back to the reality of all of this and moved to wrap her legs around his, moving herself to the edge of the desk and pulling his body closer to her. He moaned then and the kiss moved from gentle to hungry and needy.

She reached for his shirt first, keeping the tempo in what she felt was a safety zone, where need overrode feelings. He broke the kiss long enough to lift his shirt over his head, and before his lips could land on hers again, she lifted her shirt up and off. His hands were like electrical charges against her skin, igniting something in her that she was sure she'd never felt before.

It's because I know I'm going to be dead in a few days, she told herself. She tried to convince herself of that fact.

She ground her pelvis against his, and he moaned in her mouth. Her hands reached for his belt, deftly undoing the buckle while never breaking the kiss. She felt him step away from her a bit, wanting to slow this down, and she reached out to cup her hand along his zipper, feeling his hardness. He groaned and stepped forward again, crushing her hand between their bodies and pressing into her, giving in to the pace she was trying to set.

His hands moved to her back to undo her bra, and she moved her arms so he could push it off her body. His eyes were hungry as soon as her breasts were exposed, and he moved his mouth to capture a nipple between his lips, his tongue flicking over the tip. She gasped and whimpered and put her hands down on the desk, leaning back against them so she could push her chest closer to his mouth.

The sounds they were making and their heavy breathing soon was blocked out by the blood rushing through her body and in her ears. His mouth was magic against her skin. She moved her hips against his, trying to create any friction she could through their pants as he moved back and forth from breast to breast. She was on the verge of an orgasm and their pants were still on.

It was crazy why she was here, crazy that she actually was following through with this idea, crazy that he'd agreed, but it was absolute insanity how her body was responding to him.

It's because I know I'm going to be dead soon, she told herself again.

His hands snaked between them and she felt the button open on her pants and then the zipper pulled down. She pushed against his chest then and he moved back enough for her to stand. The both kicked off their shoes and watched each other as pants and underwear were pushed down and kicked from their legs.

Her heart felt like it was going to beat out of her chest as her eyes and hands traveled from his shoulders, down his chest and torso. She groaned when she saw him fully erect and then the panic set in. Occasionally she'd indulge in a trashy romance novel, when she was bored and horny at home, and always she'd roll her eyes when the size of whatever leading male was described in the book, thinking about how incredibly absurd and unlikely it was.

But now she was staring at the reality of a man being that big. Apprehension and excitement dueled within her, excitement eventually winning out. She looked in his eyes and smiled as she ran her hand up and down his length. She felt his knees buckle slightly and his lips were on hers again, groaning in her mouth.

His hands were so gentle and loving on her body, and she felt tears prick the corner of her eyes again. She needed to get back to that safety zone of pure lust and need, nothing more. Pulling her mouth away from him, she smirked again before winking, acting more bold and forward than she ever had when it came to sex, she turned. She pushed papers and the bottle of tequila to the edges of his desk before laying her torso forward on the desk, the wood cool against her chest, the edge of the desk pressing against her hips, offering herself to him.

She'd had this fantasy before, a little over a year ago, when their flirting had reached its peak. Her condo, his place, on the plane, over his desk, in a hotel room on a case - you name it and she'd fantasied about it. But then, one night after they'd grabbed dinner together, and their bantering and flirting had gone a little further than it had before, when his lips were just a fraction of an inch away from hers and they both knew with one touch, it would all be over and there would be no stopping, their phones rang nearly simultaneously. A case. They'd laughed nervously at each other and the flirting had toned way down after that.

"Emily," he moaned, his voice bringing her back to the present. It was lust-filled and needy, mixed with awe. She heard love there, too, and she quickly banished that idea from her head. _Just fucking._

She was dripping wet and she felt his fingers against her, gentle and exciting at the same time. He moaned again when he felt how ready she was. She didn't worry about protection; they trusted each other so completely that they both knew either would tell the other if it was necessary. He stepped towards her and it was right on the tip of her tongue to tell him it had been awhile, to ask him to go slow at first. But she remembered that safety zone, didn't want to give too much of herself away, and instead she turned her head to look at him and moaned, "Now."

He groaned, but he moved slowly anyway, and she was grateful, because as soon as he pressed slightly inside her, she felt a little pain and her body tensed. He stilled and she felt his hand gently stroking up and down her spine until she relaxed. He repeated that process a couple more times, sinking a little deeper inside her, soothing her until she relaxed, before slowly pushing forward a little more.

Her legs were shaking with need and anticipation, and a little fear. He never rushed and after what felt like forever, but was probably only a minute, she came back to reality when she felt him fully pressed against her, his body leaning over hers and he breathed in her ear. "OK, Em?" he whispered.

The tears were back at his soft voice in her ear, and she frantically blinked, not daring to turn her head and even catch a glimpse of his eyes. On the drive back to the office, she thought about trying to figure out where Doyle had his camera, to make sure she could smile at it when she and Derek got to this point. That was the last thing on her mind now.

This had stopped being entirely about fucking the second Derek kissed her, and she knew it.

She nodded her head and hissed out a "Yes."

He pulled back slightly and then pushed forward again and a low, involuntary moan escaped her. Her heart was fluttering rapidly and erratically, every one of her nerves were tingling and her legs were shaking. This might actually kill her before Doyle or his men could get to her.

She felt his lips on her shoulders, and he kept moving slowly. Her moans were constant and she finally breathed out a "More."

His torso lifted off hers and his hands were on her waist. He pulled further out and pushed back in a little more forcefully and she was instantly seeing stars. She could feel the edge of the desk pressing into her hip bones and she welcomed the bruises she'd have tomorrow, so she could remind herself this was real, because what she was feeling right now surpassed any reality she'd ever lived when it came to sex.

She moved her arm so she could press her mouth against it and muffle the near constant moans she couldn't help. And then he stopped moving and pulled out of her. She felt his hand on her hip. "Emily, turn over. I want to see you."

She was too close to the edge to argue, to remind herself that this would be well outside that safety zone, if he could actually see the emotions on her face. But she turned over and he was inside her again in a heartbeat, groaning and burying his head against her neck. Her arms and legs wrapped around him, holding him close. She welcomed the kisses that came next, welcomed the moans that were muffled by his mouth rather than her arm.

He seemed to be holding her right on the edge, changing his rhythm and angle whenever he felt her starting to tighten around him. Her fingers dug deeply into his back and when she couldn't take it anymore, she moaned, "Right there. Don't stop."

Four thrusts later she tore her mouth away from his and threw her head back on the desk. She heard things falling as her arms reached out to grab onto something before they landed back on his body, on his ass, pushing him harder against her. She felt his hand reach up to cover her mouth, cover the sound of the scream that ripped through her as her body shook around him and she literally thought she was going to black out.

She felt him lift his body off hers slightly, groaning and then he bent forward and his mouth landed on the side of her left breast, sucking on the skin as he moaned and emptied himself inside her.

It was a monumental effort, her best acting job ever, better than the job she did for months on end with Doyle, when she swallowed back her tears and met his eyes when he lifted his head. _You're a beautiful, amazing man, Derek Morgan,_ is what she thought. But instead she smiled at him and a huffed out a, "Damn, Morgan."

But he didn't join her in her light-hearted mirth. He said it. "You're beautiful, Emily."

She played on, being kind but not letting too much emotion loose. She put her hand on his cheek. "Thank you. And thank you for this."

He searched her eyes and let the mood be light, giving her a lopsided grin, "I'd say 'anytime,' but that probably would not be a good idea."

She huffed out a laugh. "Probably not."

He held her for a couple of minutes, hugging her to him, neither of them saying anything, before he pulled away from her body. She bit back a sob at the loss of contact, and the inevitable loss of him that she could very soon start measuring in hours rather than days, she was sure.

She stood on rubbery legs and they both started putting their clothes back on, smiling at each other, but quiet. When they were fully dressed, she reached up and gave him a hug, squeezing hard. "I value your friendship, Derek. More than you can imagine. Like this never happened tomorrow, okay?"

Silence for too many seconds, and then, "Of course, Emily."

Her heart was hammering. She shouldn't have done this to him. Then again, she was pretty certain them sleeping together would be on his bucket list. She gave him a parting smile and a quiet "Goodnight," as she opened his office door, and managed to get to the stairwell before her body was visibly shaking.

The three blocks back to the liquor store were the ultimate walk of shame in her damp underwear and stickiness she could still feel on her thighs. She knew she was as good as dead, but he didn't know that. She'd fucked him goodbye and he didn't even know it was a goodbye.

She didn't know if Doyle had surveillance on her at the moment, if he had surveillance in her car or in her condo. She knew he wouldn't come after her just yet, he wanted to torture her and stress her out and make her a complete quaking pile of fear first. No, he wouldn't gun her down there on the sidewalk or in her condo on that night, but she desperately wanted privacy.

She got in her car and drove a mile until she saw the lights of a Holiday Inn. She got a room, and got the door to that room closed before she leaned against it, sank to the ground and let the tears finally come. She gathered her knees up and leaned her forehead on them as she sobbed, and with every shuddering intake of breath she could catch the scent of his cologne, his scent, all around her.


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning, Emily woke up still fully clothed, laying across the bed in that generic hotel room by headquarters with her phone ringing near her head. It took her a moment to recall where she was and what had happened the night before.

She answered the phone to Hotch telling her that shit was basically hitting the fan and she needed to come in. She grabbed her ready bag and went to the bathroom in the hotel room, thankful that she was only a couple of miles away from work and could afford time for a hot shower. She saw them then, the bruises on her hips and the oblong shape of burst blood vessels on the side of her breast, from where Derek had latched on to muffle the noises he was making. Each mark was a weight of guilt that felt like it was pressing her down.

_It's almost over,_ she told herself.

Derek's head was the in the game, completely focused on the case, and they slid back into a moderately easy partnership. Things weren't awkward because a scant ten hours ago they'd been fucking on his desk; they were awkward because she knew exactly what was going on with that case, that it was Doyle killing those people, and she wasn't telling him or anyone.

The next afternoon, Derek asked her what the hell was going on with her, imploring her to trust him. She trusted him with her life, but not with this. She didn't want him or anyone on the team dead on her account. She knew what she needed to do and it was time. She made a joke about him never profiling her again, and he let it go.

But on the drive back to the BAU, after he'd stopped to let her change her shoes, when she clutched her purse carrying her fake IDs, fake credit cards and cash, he asked, "The reason you're not talking to me isn't about the other night, is it?"

She reached over and touched his arm. "No, Derek. Not at all. I have no regrets about that." _Lies. She had massive regrets, not personal ones, but regrets on his behalf. Regrets about what he would think of her once she disappeared, once she was dead. _She squeezed his shoulder and sighed, "I'm really okay. I'm just not feeling very well right now."

He stared at her, but he let it go again.

An hour later she said a silent goodbye to the back of his head and slowly backed her way out of the BAU.

The seat belt on the flight to Boston cut across her hips and she pulled it tight, so she could feel those bruises, so she could remember with every mile she flew away from them, from him. She closed her eyes and drew up their faces in her mind, smiling at the thought that at least after this, they would be safe.

She bought the necessary weapons she needed from an illegal arms dealer she knew in Boston, back in her Lauren days. She was leaning against the counter, looking down the barrel of a gun she was considering buying when the man asked her if she wanted a vest. _No point,_ she thought. But then her hips pressed against the counter and she felt the ache of those bruises and a little doubt flitted through her mind. Maybe this didn't have to be a death sentence with absolute certainty. She impulsively paid cash for the vest and put it on right there in the basement of the man's house.

She drove to the bar and sat in her car. The voice mail message from Garcia almost undid her, but she took a deep breath and got her head back in the game. She allowed herself to draw up Morgan's face in her mind one last time, and then ran through the plan. Immobilize Doyle's men in the van, kill Doyle, they shoot her in retaliation. Probably in the head. Five minutes and it would all be over.

But things didn't go as she'd planned. Not at all.

She was tied up when she came to. She'd lived through horrors with Doyle again, and the ache on her chest from the branding stung with each inhale of breath. She'd been trapped with Doyle for what felt like an eternity. She knew the team was probably coming, and she was trying to stall, but she was running out of time. He was going to kill her before they got there.

Of all the torturous hours she spent with Doyle, the one thing he said that stuck out most in her head was when he whispered in her ear, "I finally know what your face looks like when you're actually enjoying fucking, _Lauren_."

He back-handed her across the face after that, and the pain blinded her for a few seconds. Derek would be fine. This wasn't her plan, but she knew Doyle's game. After he killed her, he wouldn't bother with anyone else. He'd get the hell away from there, and actively stay off the FBI's radar. He was a vengeful man, but not a stupid one. She felt satisfaction under the surface, even though her death was imminent, that he now knew she'd faked it with him every, single time. She managed to smirk at him, and he punched her in the stomach.

Anger rose in her, and something inside her, the will to live that she thought she'd let go of, surged on its own, instead of folding to the inevitable. She let the anger and hate for this man rise to the surface and felt her fight response growing in her. She wasn't going to wait for the team to take care of him. She searched for a plan.

* * *

_Oh, shit. Oh, fuck. _That was the thought swirling in her head when she felt Derek grasp her hands in that basement, screaming for a medic. She might not die. And she hadn't killed Doyle. She had banked on it, planned on it. She wasn't supposed to be left to clean up the giant clusterfuck of a mess she'd made.

"Let me go," she told Morgan

She didn't want to die because she didn't value her life. She wanted to die because she couldn't face what came after this. Her lies and deceit and his feelings, and hers.

When she coded in the ambulance, she actually recalled her sense of relief, her thoughts clouding seconds after the long beep that said her heart had stopped. The blackness that surrounded her felt like a gift because she thought she'd get to be the coward she was and just die. But then she remembered surging back to reality as the paddles jolted her heart again. Her eyes were closed and she was weak, but her brain wasn't shutting down.

She'd never planned on living.

And even if by some slim miracle she had lived, she'd never planned on Doyle living, too.

This wasn't how it was supposed to be. With her dead, Doyle would leave Morgan and the BAU alone. Alive and injured and being protected by the team? They would be picked off one by one by that lunatic. She willed herself to die, to just give up and let go. Because, given the circumstances, it would be safer for her family. And because it would be easier than facing what she had to face.

_Please just stop beating,_ she ordered her cowardly, broken heart before she fully slipped into unconsciousness again.

* * *

She became aware of the beeping of monitors first, then became aware of the tube down her throat. She blinked her eyes opened, confused and slightly panicked. She was in a hospital room, everything looked like a hospital room, except for one thing. No windows. Where the fuck was she?

And why was no one there? They had an unwritten rule as a team. After an injury, no one ever woke up in a hospital room alone; one of them always stayed, they rotated, someone to explain and reassure. But there was no one there.

She felt her heartbeat increase and heard the beeps on the monitor match the thumping in her chest. Doyle. But Derek was there. He had been there, she remembered that. Doyle stabbed her with a piece of wood and then Derek was there. So why wasn't he or Hotch or anyone here now? Had Doyle gotten to all of them? Her heart beat faster.

Someone came in the room, a nurse. She smiled kindly at Emily, and Emily relaxed a bit. But then she noticed the name tag. It didn't just say the nurse's name; it was preceded by "Officer." _Military? _She couldn't speak because of the tube down her throat.

The nurse said, "It's good to see you awake. We'll get that tube out in a bit, Jessica. But now we want you to rest a little more."

_Jessica? _Who was Jessica? Her eyes opened in panic as she saw the vial in the nurse's hand that she quickly injected into her IV. Before Emily could move to protest at all, darkness clouded her vision again.

The next time she woke up, the tube was out of her throat. And there was someone she knew in the room, someone she'd barely seen in months. Her eyes filled with tears at the sweet face of JJ, who was smiling back at her.

JJ pulled her chair forward and took Emily's hand.

"Where am I?" she croaked out.

"Bethesda, Em. In a wing for those part of covert operations, whose identities need to remain a secret."

Emily's eyes widened. "Where's everyone else?"

JJ's eyes filled with tears. She stood and moved her other hand to touch Emily's cheek. "Hotch gave them the day off because yesterday they were at your funeral."

She gasped at the shock of that statement, and that gasp hurt her. She placed a hand on her abdomen and blinked at JJ, coming to terms with what she said. Tears filled her eyes at the reality and sadness, but relief was there, too. If she didn't really die, everyone thinking she had, including Doyle, was the next safest thing for the team, for Derek.

"Who knows?" she managed to gasp out.

"Just me and Hotch. I'm officially your handler. You won't see Hotch here. We created a fictitious story for a Jessica Hamilton, who was doing undercover work for the FBI. I've never seen Hotch like he was, how he managed to circumvent things, and create an iron-clad story that handed your case over to the Pentagon, specifically to me. It's my job to get you to safety and hidden. The doctors say probably another week before you can travel, and then we'll go."

Derek thought she was dead. It was better, she told herself. Better. It had been her plan all along. The only question was whether he was acknowledging the fact that she'd shown up at his office with the plan of leaving, of dying, already on her mind, or if that had rapidly happened after. It didn't matter, now. She tried to convince herself of that as she stared at JJ. It didn't matter because his grief was going to be real, either way, and there was nothing she could do about it. She was safe, the team was safe, and he was safe. That was all that mattered.

"Where will I go?" she asked.

"I'm not sure yet. I'm still working on that." JJ paused and squeezed her hand. "I can't be here every day. I need to go to work and act like things are normal, just like Hotch is trying to do. I have to travel for work this week for a few days. I'll be back in a week, and I'll have everything you need to go underground. You just get better, okay?"

JJ stood to go, obviously having a hard time looking at her and containing her emotions, but Emily squeezed her hand and pulled her back towards the bed. "Wait," she hissed, "Doyle had cameras. Cameras in the BAU and in the individual offices. You have to have someone do a sweep."

JJ stared at her and nodded. "I'll take care of it."

"Did you find his surveillance equipment in that building?" she asked, afraid.

JJ shook her head. "No. If he had that type of equipment, it wasn't in that building."

Emily nodded in relief. Wherever that equipment was, it's where Doyle ran first. He would clean up before he disappeared. Anything that could potentially jeopardize Derek's job, like her naked sprawled over his desk with a bottle of tequila on his desk, would be erased and long gone. Doyle wouldn't risk being taken into custody for vengeance, and now the tables were turned on him. Instead of no one knowing about him, he had several world-class investigators who would shoot first and ask questions later. Their vengeance at Emily's death would be stronger than his hate for her.

She gave JJ a tense smile and let her go.

Nurses and doctors visited her. She found out she'd been unconscious for a week. She answered to the name Jessica. Her third day after waking up, she was allowed to stand and walk a bit. Her fourth day, she was allowed to take a shower.

She stood and stared at the mirror in that steamy bathroom when she was done. The bruises on her hips and the mark on her breast were gone. In their place was a fresh, ugly, large scar on her abdomen, and the branding on her chest.

She refused to let herself cry.

* * *

They talked on the plane to Paris, JJ giving her a glimpse of her life and her real assignment with the Pentagon. Emily's heart ached for her; she knew this life of secrets and turmoil all too well. But she didn't let her in, not just then. Her real emotions were barely contained under the surface of the walls she was trying to build to keep herself sane. She listened to JJ, she offered advice, but she held personal insight and comparison at bay.

That night when they landed in Paris, they got two connecting rooms at a hotel, JJ using a false ID and false credit card to book them. Emily wheeled her suitcase into her room, the suitcase of clothing JJ had purchased for her.

She went to the connecting door and unlocked it, finding JJ's side already opened. "Where are my things? The things from my condo?" Emily asked.

"I got in there before your mom did," said JJ. "I took some things I knew you might want, even if you can't have them right now. They're in my office at work. Your photo albums, a couple of pictures with the team, your journals." JJ smiled at her, "The contents of your nightstand, which I'm quite sure you didn't want your mom to see. Though those things are not in my office at work. I got rid of them."

Emily blushed slightly, then laughed. "Thank you for that." Then she looked down.

"I didn't read the journals, Emily. I won't."

"I know," she said softly.

"Do you want me to get rid of them?"

Emily shook her head. "If this doesn't work out, if I don't make it out of this, I want someone to know my real story. Keep them." She turned to go back in her room, and then turned back around. "And let Morgan read them, too, if it comes to that. OK?"

JJ blinked back tears, nodding at Emily.

Emily went back in her room and opened the suitcase, unpacking a few items and hanging them so they wouldn't be too wrinkled the next day, the day when she would say goodbye to JJ and walk off into the unknown for who knew how long, possibly forever.

She heard the sound of JJ receiving a text message, and a moment later, JJ was in her room. "I pick up your identities tomorrow afternoon at three o'clock. It will be a drive. I'll leave around noon, and then be back and meet you around six o'clock."

Emily could only nod. She wasn't quite ready for this, for saying goodbye to the last person who knew her in just under twenty-four hours.

JJ reached out and touched her arm. "That means we have the whole night. What do you want to do?"

Emily didn't want to go out. Her heart was heavy; she didn't feel tired, just lethargic. JJ ended up going out and getting them fresh bread and cheese, some desserts and wine. They sat in Emily's hotel room, JJ with her head on pillows at the foot of the bed, and Emily propped up against the headboard, gorging their way through food and wine.

After a couple glasses of wine, JJ spilled her true feelings about her assignment, about lying to Will, about how this assignment had been a ruse where she had been told she would have more time with Henry and Will, when in reality it wasn't all that different, being gone for long stretches and then home for long stretches; same amount of time away, just in different increments. How she was so entrenched now, so committed to the assignment that she couldn't find her way out, and the only thing she felt like she could do was live through it as best she could until it was over and she could do something else.

Emily reached out and touched her leg. She could empathize with stories about Doyle, but between the case files and the things she'd talked about on the plane, JJ probably had a pretty good sense of that real story. And it wasn't the story that was riding on the surface of her emotions at the moment, anyway. JJ was talking about guilt, and there was only one thing on the verge of short-circuiting Emily's mind when it came to guilt. She let her walls down and quietly said, "Don't let yourself get so deep that you don't know who you are anymore."

The tears came then, and JJ propped herself up to a sitting position to look at Emily's wet face.

"Three days before I went after Doyle, I had sex with Morgan." The words were out there, and she wanted to grab them back and stuff them in her mouth one by one as soon as she said them. When that wasn't possible, she continued, "I knew I was going to go after Doyle. I knew I was going to die. I showed up at Morgan's office late at night with a bottle of Patron and propositioned him for entirely selfish purposes, mostly because I just wanted to experience it one time before I died. I just needed a moment of true, honest human connection with someone I trusted and cared about because I felt so lost. And I was afraid of dying, but I knew it was coming. I was selfish, and I used him. He probably hates me now. That's what I mean, about letting yourself get so deep that you do things you wouldn't otherwise do at the expense of yourself and the people you care about."

JJ reached forward and hugged her then, both of them crying, both of them a little lost by assignments given to them that had gotten out of control. Both of them strong enough to handle those things, until they got to an edge that made them jump off into irrational choices - Emily had reached that point, several times over; she didn't want that for JJ.

When their tears subsided and they released each other, both of them wiping their eyes, JJ sat back and looked at her. "You know what this means?"

Emily raised her eyebrow and shook her head.

"It means I lost a bet with Garcia. She thought you two would never cross that line, and I thought you and Derek had given in over a year ago. The beauty of it is that Garcia never has to know."

Emily laughed at that, a scuff of humor quickly becoming a fit of giggles she couldn't control. It was release, a release better than tears, even if it was pathetic. JJ joined in her laughter, but when the mirth subsided and they were breathless and quiet, their eyes met again. JJ reached out and put her hand on Emily's cheek before landing on her shoulder in a gentle squeeze. "I don't think Derek could ever hate you," JJ whispered.

That night, after JJ had gone to her own room and Emily was laying in her bed, wide awake and her mind swirling, she came to a conclusion and stood up. Padding softly to the open connecting doors, she whispered, "Jayje?"

"Hmmm?" came the reply.

"Will you know my identities?"

JJ sat up in her bed and looked at her in the dim moonlight. "I'm not supposed to know, to look. For your safety."

"Look, please. I need someone to know who I am. I need to know someone out there can find me."

JJ stared at her and hesitated, before giving her a small smile and nodding. "OK, Em."

"Thank you."

There weren't many things she could hold onto at the moment. Really, there was nothing she could hold onto except herself, and she felt more fragile than she'd ever felt in her life at the moment, like the smallest blow, emotional or physical, would shatter her completely and she'd be lost forever. But knowing that JJ could find her, even if she never actually did, gave her something else. A thread of strength. She wouldn't be completely anonymous come tomorrow.

That thought was enough to finally allow her to find sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

Derek's arms and shoulders were aching, but he pushed past the pain and drove his gloved fists into the punching bag over and over until he couldn't even feel his arms at all anymore. His heart was hammering, his body dripping in sweat, and he knew he'd pay for pushing himself too much tomorrow, but he couldn't stop. He poured all of his anger, all of his hurt, all of his sadness into that punching bag, like if he could just keep going long enough, the grief would be gone.

It didn't work that way. When he could no longer lift his arms, they dropped heavily to his sides, his shoulders fell, and the sadness overwhelmed him again. He kicked the punching bag in frustration when the involuntary tears filled his eyes. He was grateful for the fact that it was nine o'clock on a Friday night, and the gym at FBI headquarters was deserted.

He went to his locker and pulled off his gloves. He was so tired and so broken. If he had just gotten there a minute earlier, Emily would still be alive. It was a reality he couldn't come to terms with or accept. Sixty seconds. He lost her by sixty seconds.

He should have pulled that car over on the way back to the BAU, after he'd stopped to let Emily change her shoes. Actually, he should have followed her up to her condo, gotten in her personal space and pushed her to tell him what the hell was really going on. He could have broken her and gotten to the truth, and the sad reality was that had he not fucked her on his desk forty-eight hours before that, he would have. But he felt like things might be precarious because of that, and he let her off the hook too easy, not wanting to jeopardize their friendship.

And now she was dead.

He slammed his bare fist against the locker, driving pain into his numb hand, then took in a shuddering breath. He stripped out of his clothes and headed to the showers, turning the hot water on and letting the temperature rise until it was nearly scalding him. He closed his eyes and saw her nearly lifeless face laying on that cement floor. He opened them again and shook his head. Closing his eyes again, he found a better image, the image of her face, her eyes closed and her head thrown back on his desk, her lips slightly swollen from kissing him and a scream building in her throat. He remembered covering her mouth then, but his eyes never left her face. What he felt in that moment was so powerful, he couldn't even find the word to describe the emotion.

He could still see the details of how her eyelashes rested on her face with her eyes closed in ecstasy. If presented with a color pallet, he could pick out the exact shade of pink her cheeks flushed. With his eyes closed, he could recall how the fine sheen of sweat looked on her forehead. He could still hear the papers and his stapler falling on the ground when she flung her arms out to the side, and could still feel what her fingers felt like on his skin when she was trying to press him closer to her. He could still remember the taste of her skin when he opened his mouth against the side of her breast and sucked in order to muffle his own release.

He let his mind drift again to the possibilities. Emily knew Doyle had escaped long before that night she'd shown up at his office. He'd asked Easter directly when she found out, and Easter told him the truth. That she was probably terrified the night she showed up at his office, he accepted. That she was desperate, he could understand. But she'd either come there with the plan of leaving and going after Doyle already solidified in her mind, or that had happened the next day. In that moment, because she was dead, he chose to believe the best in her, that she didn't come to his office because she already knew she was going after Doyle. It might not be the truth, but he decided to accept it as such. He chose the option that would hurt him the least. She was gone, he would never know the real truth, and he could write the story in his mind however he wanted.

Derek quickly soaped up his body and rinsed, turning off the water. He should go home and sleep. He hadn't had a solid night's sleep since that night when Emily came to his office. After she had walked out, he'd quickly picked up the things that had fallen off his desk. He'd grabbed the bottle of Patron and put it in his desk drawer. He'd walked over and turned the camera in his office back on, and then he'd left the work behind and went home. He'd fallen into an exhausted sleep with a smile on his lips, thinking maybe that wouldn't be the only time with her, hoping it wouldn't be.

He'd woken up the next morning to Hotch calling, and since that moment he felt like he'd been living in a nightmare. That was three weeks ago. She'd been gone from his life for three weeks. They'd buried her.

He shook his head at himself in the mirror and tried to rid himself of the image of her casket. He really should go home and sleep, but instead, he pulled his clothing back on in the locker room, and then headed to the elevator and back upstairs. He went straight to his office, set the video camera on loop, and sat at his desk. He opened his desk drawer and pulled out the bottle of Patron, taking a sip like he'd done a few times since that night, the ridiculous thought that maybe some of her essence remained on the bottle. He took a larger gulp of the tequila. He pulled the file folders out of his desk drawer and read all the information they had on Doyle, everything they had on Emily's case, trying to find something he might have missed that would lead him to Doyle and the chance to enact the revenge he so desperately wanted to serve to that fucking asshole.

He wasn't planning to use a gun when he found Ian Doyle. Even if it meant his job, he fantasized about finding Doyle, tying him up, torturing him and then shoving a large splintered piece of wood into his abdomen and watching him bleed out. He fantasized about it daily.

* * *

He woke up with his head on his desk and a pounding headache at six o'clock on Saturday morning. The last time he remembered looking at his watch, it was about two-thirty in the morning. Sighing, he stood and cleaned up his office, his arms aching with every move. He placed the now empty bottle of Patron back in the desk drawer, not wanting to throw it away. He turned the camera back on and left the building, driving home, thinking about possibly getting a little more sleep.

A car he recognized was parked in front of his building. He pulled in behind it and watched as JJ emerged from the vehicle. She smiled when she saw him, and he couldn't help smiling back. Whatever hell he felt like he was living in, he thought it might hurt a little less if the rest of the team was intact, but JJ wasn't there and he missed her.

"I was just about to leave. I flew in this morning and knew Will and Henry would still be sleeping, so I decided to drive by your place and see how you were doing."

He gave her a small grin. "Didn't you think I'd be sleeping?"

"No. And I can see I'm right. You look like shit, Derek."

"It's good to see you, too, JJ."

She stepped towards him and wrapped her arms around him. "I'm worried about you. Reid calls me constantly, crying. Rossi's called me a couple of times, and Penelope and I talk frequently. Even Hotch has called me. But I haven't seen or heard from you since the funeral."

He wrapped his sore arms around her, allowing himself the small comfort of his friend for a moment before releasing her. "I can't talk about it."

She smiled softly at him. "How about some coffee then?"

He nodded. He closed his car door and started walking towards his building, JJ by his side. "No offense Derek, but we should get you some food and you should clean up a bit. You smell like you spent the night at the bottom of a barrel."

She started some eggs and toast while he started a pot of coffee and then went to the bathroom to take a quick shower and brush his teeth. He took a few ibuprofen as well, to help dull the ache in his head. When he went back to the kitchen, there was a plate of food on the table and two cups of coffee.

"Aren't you eating?" he asked her as he sat down.

"No. I need to head home in about thirty minutes. I want to have breakfast with Will and Henry."

He nodded in understanding and took a few bites of his food before looking at her. When he really took in her face, she didn't look all that much better than he did.

"No offense, Jayje, but you pretty much look like shit, too."

She laughed at that and he joined her with a quiet chuckle, surprising himself. It had been a long time since he laughed at all, or smiled much for that matter.

"This new job isn't all it's cracked up to be, Derek. I think I'm actually home less now, when you add up the hours. I'm constantly traveling, an embassy here, an embassy there, gone for a week or two, then home for a solid week, but still having to put in some hours at the Pentagon, then gone again."

Derek nodded. "I know. I ran into Will when I was out for a run. Back in February. He had Henry bundled up and they were out for a walk. He told me the same thing. He's not happy about it."

JJ sighed. "That's a nice way to say that he absolutely hates it. Hates it more than the BAU. But it's an assignment and my career would be ruined if I bailed on it at this point and time. I keep telling him six more months. I'm hoping by then I can make a quiet, respectable exit and find something else, maybe back at the FBI."

He raised his eyebrows hopefully at her. "Back at the BAU?"

She shook her head. "I don't think so. I'm not sure. Will hates this new job more than he disliked the long hours with the BAU, but I'm not sure he'd see me returning there as anything positive for our relationship. We'll have to see. Right now, I just need to get through this assignment for awhile and do the best job I possibly can."

Derek put down his fork and stared at her. "It really sucks that they can fuck with people's lives like this."

"Tell me about it," she said seriously.

He went back to eating and felt her eyes on him. Finally he looked up again. JJ cleared her throat. "Derek, are you going to be okay?"

He considered her and then sighed. "I'm always ultimately okay. The question is whether I'm ever going to feel like my old self again, and I honestly don't know the answer to that. Every time I close my eyes, the first thing I see is her face and that piece of wood sticking out of her, thinking about how close I came to getting there in time, like she slipped through our fingers by seconds. I count those seconds sometimes. Sixty seconds is the time it takes me to walk at a regular pace from my office, through the bullpen and to Garcia's office. Sixty seconds is how long it takes me to walk to the break room and pour myself a cup of coffee. Sixty seconds is how long it takes to walk from where we park the cars at Turner Field and go up the stairs and get on the jet."

JJ blinked back tears in her eyes. She put her hand on his arm and was quiet for a long time before she finally spoke. "None of us will probably ever be the same again, but that doesn't mean we can't be happy, Derek. It's just going to take time."

He took a deep breath. "I know."

JJ stood. "I should head home. You call me if you need me, okay? I can't always answer right away, but leave a message and I will call you back."

Derek stood and hugged her. "I will. I'm glad you stopped by. I miss you."

She squeezed him back. "I miss you, too. Get some sleep, Derek. At least try. And preferably not with the aid of alcohol."

He laughed lightly and released her. "It was a bottle of Patron I had in my office at work. I killed what was left in the bottle last night. I'm not planning to buy more."

She looked at him, something about that statement caused an expression of deep sadness to flit across her face, and then it was gone. She smiled softly and patted his shoulder. "Be good to yourself, Derek."

* * *

Two weeks after JJ's visit, Derek decided to try a different form of release and went to a dance club. He'd given up trying to sleep by way of alcohol, knowing it was a slippery slope. Instead he found himself on the dance floor. His plan was to find someone who looked so different than Emily that there could be absolutely no comparison, but instead, when he scanned the people dancing, his eyes landed on a woman with stunning porcelain skin, deep brown eyes and raven hair. There were many differences, but he found himself drawn to her anyway, looking only for the similarities. He moved closer and she smiled at him, her focus becoming only him. Her name was Amy, and she could dance. And dance they did, their bodies pressed close.

"You want to get out of here?" Amy asked him after about thirty minutes.

He smiled his winning smile, startling himself that he could so easily fall back into that role of a player, a one-night-stand kind of guy. His plan was to do this so he could forget and to sleep, but he found himself staring into the eyes of a woman who might actually help him remember. It was shitty, but his heart was beyond caring. He took Amy's hand and pulled her out of the club.

They walked and talked. He told her he was an FBI agent, she told him she worked in human resources at a software company. She told him she was twenty-nine, and he was honest. "Forty."

"You look damn good for forty," she said with a smile.

He laughed lightly. "Forty isn't going to seem as old to you once you hit thirty."

She grinned. "That's probably true." She stopped walking and stood next to a car parked on the street. "Well, this is me."

"I'm parked just a ways up the block," he said.

She surveyed his face for several seconds. "Your place?" she asked him.

"Sure. Want to follow me over there?"

Once they got inside his apartment, she was hungry and insistent, her hands everywhere, ripping off his shirt almost as soon as they started kissing. But once her arms were around his back, a hand on his neck and their lips met again, something inside Derek seized up. He couldn't do this. He was searching for a do-over, a way back to a past that he'd spent a glorious ten hours hoping was only the beginning, only to have it ripped away from him a couple of days later. Though he'd been half hard seconds before, he felt himself getting soft immediately. He tried to kiss Amy again, to see if he could get any feeling back of wanting this, but it wasn't there.

He recalled telling JJ that he didn't think he'd ever be his old self again, and maybe it was just way too soon. He didn't think so, though. He felt a shift inside him. Maybe this was a piece of his old self, the piece who could casually pick up women, casually have sex, casually date - maybe that piece just wouldn't come back. At least not with someone who reminded him of Emily.

He pulled away from Amy, resting his hands on her shoulders, resting his forehead against hers. "I'm sorry. I can't do this."

She wasn't mean about it. She wasn't even a little angry. She took a few deep breaths to calm herself. "Recent break up?" she asked understandingly.

"Something like that," he replied softly.

"You want to talk about it?" she asked.

"No. But, thank you."

She nodded and pulled away from him, picking up her purse. She reached inside and handed him a business card. "If you ever want to go dancing again, give me a call. Thanks for the dancing, and for being a nice guy. Take care of yourself." She let herself out the door.

Derek moved to his couch, sinking down and resting his face in the palms of his hands. After several long minutes, he let himself lay back on the couch. He closed his eyes and once again saw Emily's bruised and bloodied face on the floor of that building. He opened his eyes and took a deep breath before closing them again. Instead of thinking about that night she came to his office, he played a different movie in his mind, times they laughed together, cases or instances when their mood was able to be light, even with their dark jobs. How she'd sometimes tease him, and how she would often tease Reid.

He knew he shouldn't be doing this to himself, but he let the memories play out behind his eyelids until he felt like he could almost hear what her laughter sounded like, right there next to his ear.

Without giving it too much thought, he opened his eyes and reached for his phone and dialed. "Penelope? I need your help, and I need you to keep this between you and me, baby girl. All Emily ever wanted to do was to protect Declan, and I'm going to make sure that happens. I don't know how, but we need to find him. And I'm going to need some other information. I need to be the one who finds Ian Doyle, Garcia. It has to be me. I need your help finding him, too."

He closed his eyes and saw his fantasy: Doyle tied up, beaten by Derek's fists, bleeding out.


	4. Chapter 4

After she'd left Emily in Paris, JJ flew back to Afghanistan with a renewed sense of purpose. But after a frustrating week of getting nowhere with figuring out who the traitor in her group was, her week off came, and she flew back home.

She'd stopped at Derek's to check in on him before going home. Derek was not doing well at all, and she was worried and felt so guilty. It had been right on the tip of her tongue to tell him that Emily was alive, but she knew that would explode in all their faces. Where she and Hotch could remain emotionally detached and level-headed, Derek would fly off the handle. He was too on edge to do anything else. As soon as that happened, Hotch's career, her career and Emily's life would all be in danger. She'd hugged him, she'd comforted him, and she'd let him believe the lie.

The first few days home were like they always were, complete happiness at just being back with her family. She enjoyed every minute with Henry, and always those first few days, Will was just so overjoyed to see her that he didn't ask a lot of questions.

On Monday morning, she met Hotch on her way to the Pentagon. She wasn't looking forward to the meeting. In fact, she was pretty pissed off at Hotch for creating another situation where she had to lie, even though this particular lie about Emily was the one she felt she could handle best because it was the right thing to do for her friend. Still, seeing Hotch made her stress and frustration about her whole life right now rise to the surface.

"Everything go okay in Paris?" he asked.

"Everything went just as planned," she said quietly.

"Good. And you? How are you doing, JJ?"

She looked down. "I hate lying."

"I know, but it's for her safety."

"I know. What are you going to do about finding Doyle so she can come home?"

Hotch caught her eye before he dropped his gaze. "I'm not sure there's anything I can do at the moment. I'm taking a lot of heat about Emily's death, JJ. I've got to play by the rules right now until the scrutiny dies down."

She narrowed her eyes. "And what if that doesn't happen?"

"I don't know. I'll figure something out."

"We can't just leave her out there on her own forever, Hotch. She didn't even get to make this decision, you didn't ask her, just decided for her. And you decided for me, that I was the one who was going to have to pull this off and directly lie to people I care about. I'm tired of getting fucked over by this job. I'm tired of lies."

She felt the tears then and stepped away from him. He looked sad and concerned. "JJ, I know. You were forced to leave the BAU and I forced your hand at this."

_Yes, and in three days I have to fly back to Afghanistan. Did you know that, Hotch? I'm in the middle of a fucking war zone, not at some cush Embassy. And I'm pretty sure there's a killer and rapist on my team. Isn't that fucking great?_

JJ took a deep breath. "It's okay, Hotch. I want her to be safe, too. I need to get to work."

He hesitated before nodding. "OK, JJ. You take care. I'm not giving up getting you back on the team."

The bitter, harsh words were out before she could think about them. "That might be easier now since there's another vacancy on the team, huh?"

"JJ," Hotch said softly.

She shook her head. "I'm sorry. It's all just really stressful. I know deep down you made the right decision, Aaron. I do. And I'm glad you're not giving up on getting me back, but I'm not sure how that would work for my life. And I'm not sure it matters; the Pentagon is not going to let me go anytime soon."

With those words, she turned and walked away, back to her car.

On Tuesday morning, with a day off stretched in front of her, Will left for work and she spent the morning at the park with Henry. That afternoon, when Henry was napping, she pulled her laptop towards her and opened her personal email that she used for purely mindless activities - subscriptions to funny blogs, twitter, facebook and online games. She didn't see the email on her first glance through her new messages, but on her second sweep, her heart skipped and she smiled. _Blackbird1012 has started a game with you on Scrabble. _

She and Emily had started playing online Scrabble together when JJ left the BAU. Though this was a different handle, she was certain Blackbird1012 was Emily. Logging into the game, she smiled again when she saw the first played word, _Boo_. It wasn't a word up to Emily's usual standards by far, but she understood. Emily was trying to say hello with the letters she'd been given.

JJ looked at her letters and grinned again. Using a wild tile for one of the Ls, she spelled Hello, using one of Emily's Os. Almost immediately Blackbird1012 was online and "Finally!" appeared in the chat window.

"Sorry. Not much access when I'm at work."

"I know how that goes. So, CheetoBreath, where are you from?"

JJ got it. Emily was trying to act like she was just some random stranger playing an online game with another random stranger. But she was excited. If they were careful, they could communicate this way.

"Right outside Washington, DC. What about you?"

"Madrid."

_Maria Fuentes_, thought JJ. From Spain. She wasn't surprised Emily had chosen that identity first. She could fit in well there with her Spanish.

"Have you lived there long?" JJ typed.

"No. Only for a few days, actually. This is where my father is from, so I decided to take a couple of months to visit the area while I'm between jobs."

Emily was in Madrid, and she was planning to stay a couple of months.

"I've never been to Spain."

"It's a beautiful country. Maybe you'll be able to visit it someday."

JJ raised her eyebrows. Could she? She probably shouldn't. No, not probably. She really shouldn't. But could she? There might be a way.

"I should do that. Someday. I travel through Europe a lot for work. Maybe I'll make my next layover in Spain."

She stared at the message window and no words appeared for several long minutes. She could almost visualize Emily contemplating the advisability of JJ visiting her. Finally, "If you do get to Madrid, I highly recommend La Buganvilla for a restaurant. They have the best paella. I'm pretty addicted to it. I've been going every day for lunch or dinner. But it's not good for the waistline! I've promised to cut back to just Friday night dinners from now on."

JJ grinned. She knew exactly how to find her now. She heard Henry stirring in his room.

"I'll definitely keep that in mind," she typed. "Gotta run. My son just woke up from his nap."

"OK. I'll play my turn before logging out. Maybe we can chat again sometime soon."

* * *

The inevitable grouchiness appeared in Will that night, her fourth night home, two days before she was scheduled to leave again. A two week assignment at the US Embassy in England, as far as he knew, but really back to Afghanistan. Everything was always precise in order to maintain her cover; her plane tickets said London, or Paris or Berlin. A military plane picked her up from there and took her the rest of the way.

"I hate this, too, Will. Remember, just five or six more months, and then I can start trying to find an exit strategy." She hated lying to him, she hated leaving him and Henry. She loved him, but being around him when he was like this just compounded her guilt. She leaned against him on the couch, resting her head on his chest.

"We're trying to have another baby, Jen, and you're hardly ever around when that could happen."

More guilt she had to push down. Will thought she was relatively safe inside US Embassies, negotiating, being a spokesperson, when in reality she was essentially in a war zone. She took a calming breath, lifted her head and smiled softly at him. "Come on, Super Sperm. We were using condoms when I got pregnant with Henry. We'll only be off by a day this time. I'm sure your little swimmers can hang in there for twenty-four hours."

He turned his mood around, which she knew wasn't easy for him. He grinned at her. "Technically they can hang in there for seventy-two hours."

She laughed lightly, standing and reaching for his hand. "Well, then, I guess we better get started."

* * *

Two days later, she was almost glad to leave home. Will's mood was all over the map, and Spence had stopped by, crying about Emily. She'd held him and let him cry, crying with him because of his sadness and her guilt. She said goodbye to Will and Henry with genuine tears in her eyes, but the cab ride to the airport still felt like a relief in a lot of ways.

When she landed in London, she picked up the phone on the military plane and called Strauss. "Will is getting suspicious at my need to constantly be at the same three embassies so frequently. We need to switch it up. Throw Italy or Spain or something into the mix," she said casually. "I trust you'll let the right people know."

"Yes, I understand. I'll be sure to let people know," Strauss said flatly.

JJ disconnected the phone. God, she hated that woman. But then she smiled. She knew Spain would come around as one of her covers, hopefully before Emily left.

Three weeks later, it did. She sat in her living room, Henry in her lap while he watched a movie, and read her work email, getting her next assignment. Madrid.

She'd spend ten days in Afghanistan, and her return flight home from Madrid wasn't until Saturday evening. She'd just need to talk the military pilots into flying her to Spain on Friday morning instead of Saturday morning. Piece of cake, she thought. They'd be glad to get out of that hell hole and take a night off in Madrid before flying back. No one had to know the exact time of her return flight, and if she somehow got caught, a simple shrug of the shoulders mistaking 6:30am for 6:30pm for her Saturday flight could explain it.

She was tempted to let Emily know she was coming, but didn't want to put that in writing anywhere, even on a relatively safe chat area in a Scrabble game. The only way they could keep communicating there was if they absolutely made it seem like they didn't know each other at all.

JJ waited out the weeks. Only Cruz was there most of those ten days she was in Afghanistan that time around, the other members on the team on a different assignment. They became friendly, even though she didn't completely trust any of them. She probably trusted Cruz the most, though. They did their jobs, she helped question people, soothing scared women. And in the evenings, she played cards with Cruz, counting down the days to that second Friday in May, when she would see her friend and have twenty-four hours with someone she trusted completely and, most importantly, someone she could be completely honest with about her current life.

Twenty-four hours with no guilt.


	5. Chapter 5

Emily gave herself over to depression the first three days she was in Paris alone. She stayed in a hotel, she over-indulged in rich foods in the privacy of her room, she was slovenly, she cried a lot, every time she closed her eyes she saw Derek's face. Occasionally she took a break from the tears to practice the signatures on her three IDs, burning the pieces of paper over the toilet when she was done. She woke up early on the fourth morning absolutely disgusted with this side of her, a side she hadn't seen since she was fifteen years old.

She showered, washing her body and hair twice. She cleaned up the mess in her hotel room. She pulled the envelope of IDs towards her and took them out, flipping back the covers on the passports, deciding on Maria Fuentes. She booked a flight to Madrid for that afternoon, packed up her bag, and checked out of the hotel, firmly resolved to leave the depression behind. Pretending fully to be someone else was something she was skilled at and had years of practice with, she was just a little rusty having only had to be Emily Prentiss since she joined the BAU. But she could find that side of herself again. This was her life now, and there was nothing she could do about it except choose not to be depressed and start living it.

She made a resolution to try and not allow herself to think of the team, of Derek, at least until she was feeling stronger. She did allow herself to think about JJ, because that was her only lifeline. And she needed to open up one more line of communication before she left Paris. On her way to the airport, she had the taxi stop so she could buy a laptop and a prepaid phone, using an ID and credit card issued to Dana Kennedy, from London.

Once she checked in for her flight and got through security, she found a quiet corner in the airport and dialed Tom Kohler's phone number, the number she'd committed to memory on a phone he carried only for her to contact him. He would assume it was her as soon as the phone rang, which would be a shock since he probably was a quiet bystander at her funeral if he was in the country at the time. Sure enough, an apprehensive and hopeful, "Hello?" greeted her before the second ring ended.

"Tom," she sighed, blinking back tears.

"Oh, thank God," he said softly.

"I was worried you might have thrown this phone away after my funeral," she said lightly.

"No, love. I was holding out hope. Emily Prentiss is too damn stubborn to die."

She laughed quietly at the irony of that, thinking back to that ambulance ride when she tried to will herself to die. She took a cleansing breath. "I'm in the wind, but you know Ian is, too. I don't think he'll find Declan, but be extra diligent. You have to protect him, Tom. You have this number now but only contact me if it's an emergency. I can't be talking to you on the phone." She paused for a brief second. JJ had told her on the plane to Paris that it wasn't Clyde who had sold her or the rest of their team out, but the suspicion and distrust was still too close to the surface for her. "And don't tell Clyde."

"He's holding out hope you're alive as well, even though he says Agent Hotchner was very convincing. I won't tell him, though. And I won't bother to ask where you are, or where you're going. But are you safe?"

"Yes."

"Emily, I'm sorry this happened to you. I know all you wanted to do was stay settled in a real life as yourself. I know how much you care about the BAU team. I'm just…very sorry. I'll take extra care with Declan and try to be home more. Please just take care of yourself."

Emily brushed the few tears off her cheeks and whispered, "I will," before ending the call.

She took the laptop out of its box and plugged it in, going through the process of setting it up and logging into the airport's wifi. She set up an email account for Maria Fuentes. She wanted to stay in Madrid for a while and get her head on straight, and she didn't want to stay in a hotel. She couldn't rent an apartment, since it would require a credit history check. She searched for owners who did long-term vacation rentals, first trying for any place available for the next month. When that didn't work, she searched for three weeks instead and one place popped up, a small studio. She sent in an inquiry. She wanted to stay in Madrid longer, but she could find another place once the three weeks were up.

She stared at the computer screen for a long time after that and nervously tapped her finger against her teeth, contemplating. Finally, she decided it would be safe and she created a new account for the online Scrabble game she and JJ started playing when JJ left the BAU. She started a game with her, and knew she might be waiting for days before JJ played her turn. Emily should have known JJ's job was just a cover story a long time ago. JJ never played her turn when she was traveling for work, and Emily never really took the time to contemplate why not. It made sense now.

She still had an hour before her flight and she took the time to read up on Madrid. She'd lived there before, for about a year, when she was nine years old. Her mother had hired a private tutor and Emily learned Spanish as quickly as she learned any language, but she was young and her mom was always busy. She hadn't done much exploration of Madrid as a child.

The owner of the studio responded to her inquiry before her plane boarded and said she was available that evening around 5:00 to show her the place. Emily wrote and said she'd be there.

Ana Contreres was a beautiful woman in her forties who owned the large flat that had been divided into two living spaces, one with a separate entrance that led to the small studio that was clean and nicely furnished, with a decent view from the large windows that took up one wall. She explained that she'd made this space for her mother, but her mother had passed away a couple years ago and she'd started renting it out to vacationers. She preferred it because she didn't always want a full-time tenant, and she often had friends and family who came to visit and stayed there.

Emily pulled off her role as Maria, developed a cover story for her last-minute interest in a long-term rental on the fly. She explained about being between jobs right now. Ana was pleased she spoke Spanish.

"How long are you interested in staying?" Ana asked.

Emily smiled and shrugged. "It's pretty open-ended at this point. At least the next three weeks."

Ana considered her for several seconds, like she wasn't quite sure what to make of Emily, this woman who had flown in today without a place to stay and didn't know for sure how long she wanted to be there. Emily cleared her throat and looked at her suitcase, "I was planning to stay in Paris for much longer, but I couldn't stand it there another minute."

Ana laughed at that and her face settled into a smile. "That I can understand. Well Maria, my cousin and her husband were supposed to come out and visit me all of May and June, but she's had to cancel due to a family emergency. I just haven't gotten around to releasing the dates on the rental site yet. So if you'd like to stay longer than three weeks, I don't have anyone else booked to take this place until July.

Emily raised her eyebrows. That would give her almost three months to get her head together without having to move around. She liked Madrid. She liked the energy, she liked the language. She liked that when she spoke Spanish it felt like she could actually be Maria; it made it easier to forget everything and everyone she'd recently lost.

"I'll take it." Emily thought quickly. There was a slim possibility that she'd have to run, the fraction of a percent chance she'd be discovered here in Madrid. "I don't know if I'll be able to stay all the way through June, but I hope I can. It depends if any job offers come along that I can't refuse. I'll pay for the place through then."

Ana nodded and looked at Emily's suitcase. "Staying starting tonight?"

Emily laughed. "If I could."

She thought she was doing okay, but when Ana handed her the key and walked out the door, Emily locked it, turned around, sank to the ground and found herself crying. She was here, and it was better than a hotel room in Paris. But she was scared and lonely. She'd gotten so used to and close with the team that she'd started relying on their support and presence in her life, particularly Derek. She felt lost without them. She felt guilty for the grief they must be feeling right now, but she was feeling the grief, too, for the loss of all of them in her life. There was no end in sight to her current life, nothing to grab onto at all that would allow her see a light at the end of the tunnel where she might get to go back to being Emily.

She let herself succumb to the sadness for thirty minutes before standing and wiping her eyes. She opened her laptop and made a list of all of the things she could do to keep herself from falling into depression, promising herself the next day that she'd go out and buy exercise clothes, that she would start running even if she had to take it really slow at first because of her abdominal injury, and that she would start going out at least once a day on top of that.

Emily stuck to her plan the next day, buying some new clothes and some sneakers. Running was painful, but she managed a short jog for about a half a mile before switching to a brisk walk for another three miles. She explored some restaurants in the area, went to a bookstore and bought a few books, and grocery shopped. Three days later, when she was sitting at her small kitchen table researching places to visit that day, she got an email notification that JJ had played her turn in Scrabble. Smiling, she quickly logged on and they started chatting, being careful.

It was completely inadvisable for JJ to visit her, but she knew JJ would only do it if it would be safe for Emily. Emily gave JJ a way to find her, if she could pull it off.

* * *

After two weeks in Madrid, Emily was starting to feel a bit more human, at least during the day. It had been over a week since she'd spoken anything but Spanish, she'd had a couple of friendly conversations with Ana, she kept herself busy and out most of the day. But at night, when she was falling asleep, or, more often, when she woke up from a dream in the middle of the night, the tears were still there. She actively tried not to think about the team, but there were things everywhere, even in a different country, that reminded her. And when she was trying to fall asleep, it was hard to block memories out. When she dreamed, she always dreamed of Derek. She would wake from those dreams with tears already in her eyes.

She only hoped it would get better with time.

Emily walked into a cafe near her flat after her run, deciding to grab a coffee before heading home to shower. She heard Ana's voice call out, "Maria. Come meet my friends."

Emily smiled and walked over, introducing herself to the two women sitting at the table. They invited her to have a seat at the table. They chatted about simple things, mostly all of them asking questions about Maria. Emily stuck to her story about being between jobs and wanting to see the place her family was from.

One of Ana's friends, Isabel, seemed to take much more of an interest in Emily, becoming flirtatious. She blinked at Emily and smiled, "And what is it that you do?"

The options were limitless. In her years with Interpol she'd been an arms dealer, a drug dealer, a prostitute several times over. She'd also been an investment banker, a realtor, a school teacher and an administrative assistant.

"Investment banking," Emily replied.

"Hmm," Isabel said, leaning forward and putting her hand on Emily's arm. "Dime, hermosa, ¿tienes planes para esta noche?"

_Tell me, beautiful, do you have plans tonight? _

"Isabel," Ana admonished.

Emily was slightly taken aback, but played it off, hiding her blush under the flush still on her skin from her run. "I actually do have plans tonight. Sorry." _I'll be sitting in a restaurant by myself hoping one of my best friends makes an appearance. _

Isabel pouted playfully and then smiled. "Perhaps tomorrow night. We're going out dancing."

"Maybe. Thank you for the invitation. I'll let Ana know if I can make it." Emily drained her coffee and stood, smiling at all of them, acting completely relaxed, and excused herself to take a shower.

With the warm water running down her body, with Isabel flirting with her and Interpol on her mind, she found herself drifting way back into her past.

* * *

_The weeks after her abortion all she really wanted to do was fall apart, but she couldn't because Matthew was going off the deep end and needed her. It was only after his parents shipped him off to a psychiatric hospital that Emily managed to take a breath and really focus on how she was feeling. She became more despondent and disinterested in her own life as the weeks passed. She couldn't stand being around her mom, who put so much pressure on her shoulders to be perfect and mature well beyond her years; that pressure had reached its boiling point six months back, and it exploded in Emily sneaking out of their house to attend a party that ultimately ended in a night of ill-advised and unprotected sex with a seventeen-year old she had met at the party. While she knew that was all on her, she liked to blame her mom.  
_

_Her mom noticed her depression and tried engaging her, she tried grounding her, she tried giving Emily more freedom, she tried to take Emily on trips away from Rome. When none of that worked, her mom sent her back to the United States, to DC, to live with her father. _

_She got a fresh start, entered her junior year at a regular high school, and she became someone else. There was less pressure to be an upstanding, perfect young woman when she lived with her dad. He traveled frequently, but he was content to just let Emily be herself, whoever that person was, when he was home. Her care largely fell on the shoulders of the live-in housekeeper, which really meant Emily could do whatever she damn well pleased. _

_What pleased her was erasing her old self - wearing thick eyeliner, punching a few extra holes in her ears, ratting her hair and dressing almost entirely in black. She started hanging with a crowd that dressed similarly. The only difference between her and most of her friends was that she quietly maintained a 4.0 grade point average, knowing that screwing up in the school department would force her mother's hand and she'd be right back on a plane to Rome. _

_One boy in her group of friends started showing interest in her, and she thought she'd be okay, but the first time he tried to kiss her, she panicked. Images flashed behind her eyes, of that crazy night of sex, of staring at a positive pregnancy test and actually contemplating suicide, of the abortion that almost wrecked her, and ultimately was the tipping point that did wreck Matthew. _

_She swore off boys for the time being. She started spending more time with Jane, a girl in her group of friends, a year older on the calendar, but a virtual decade older when it came to life experience. Jane was just as focused on her school work as Emily was and they started studying together almost every day. One of those days, Jane leaned into Emily's space and tried to kiss her. And Emily let her. They were in Jane's basement listening to music and no one else was home. The only part that freaked Emily out was the fact that kissing a girl did not freak her out at all. Neither did being naked with a girl. There was some panic when Jane slowly kissed her way down Emily's torso, heading south, but that panic quickly gave way to ecstasy. _

_Jane was ultimately good for her. Safe. She was a nice young woman with big plans for her life. She and Emily quietly and discretely dated the spring of Emily's junior year and during that summer. In August, a few days before Emily started her senior year of high school, Jane left for UCLA. Emily knew that there would be no attempt at trying to maintain any sort of relationship, but she knew this was coming from the beginning, and she was okay. She and Jane said goodbye to each other on friendly terms, with smiles on their faces and hope for good futures for both of them. _

_Emily focused solely on school her senior year. The day her acceptance letter to Yale came, she washed off the black eyeliner, she combed out her hair. She became a person her mother would approve of again, but she wasn't doing it for her mother. She desperately wanted to figure herself out and learn to be comfortable in her own skin. _

_New Haven, Connecticut was a refreshing change. Being totally on her own was something that made her thrive. She tried dating a couple of guys at college; she wasn't scared anymore, but she found college boys to be entirely unappealing. Instead she ended up having a wildly exciting and inappropriate affair with her History professor her sophomore year. It was perfect. Discretion was important to both of them, there were absolutely no strings attached, and, though he was making a very poor choice in sleeping with a student, he was a nice man._

_She didn't date women at college, preferring that part of her to remain completely private. It was New Haven, Connecticut in the early nineties - not exactly a thriving hotbed of open-mindedness. She sought out a fake ID, and occasionally on Saturday nights, armed with a different name, she'd make the two hour drive to New York and head straight to a gay bar. Most nights she made the drive back to school, but on occasion she found herself staying the night with a woman she met at the bar._

_When she graduated from college, she floundered a bit. She still hadn't figured herself out. Armed with a degree and absolutely no idea what she wanted to do with her life, she moved to Georgetown and started waiting tables, much to her mother's chagrin. She was sitting in her Georgetown apartment watching a documentary on the history of the FBI, and the idea of joining the FBI caught fire in her mind. She suddenly wanted that more than she wanted anything else in her life. She surprised herself at the training academy, excelling at shooting, hand to hand combat, and pretty much everything else thrown her way. Her language skills were advantageous. There were often people there, senior agents, watching and assessing. She felt eyes on her frequently._

_Because of how well she did, she was stunned and disappointed when she got her first assignment as a field agent in Indiana. Indiana? She accepted it, though. She had to start somewhere. Her mother took her shopping for new suits and asked Emily, "Do you want me to use my connections to get you a better assignment?" _

_"Absolutely not. I want to do this on my own," was Emily's resolute reply. _

_She packed up and moved, excited about the prospect of her career, even if it was starting in the mid-west. _

_She still remembered walking into that field office for the first time. She remembered the incredibly tall, incredibly handsome head of the field office walking towards her with a smile on his face. She remembered how he stuck out his hand to shake hers. She recalled being surprised when he spoke with a British accent. "Tom Kohler. I'm very happy to have you here, Agent Prentiss." _

* * *

Emily rinsed her hair in the shower, still stuck in the past. After she was in Indiana for a year, she and Tom crossed a line and started sleeping together. Six months after that, when there was a tremendous amount of trust and care, but not exactly anything Emily would call love, either because she didn't know what love was, or what she had with Tom just wasn't that, she woke up in the middle of the night and found Tom staring at her.

"What are you doing up?" she'd asked him.

And he took a deep breath and sighed. He finally confessed to her that she was actually a pawn in a game she didn't even know she was playing. Interpol, an elite group of profilers who could convincingly go undercover, and the name Clyde Easter came up.

Emily shook off the memories, not wanting to dwell on them anymore. She turned off the water and stepped out of the shower, deciding she would go to a few museums that afternoon before heading to La Buganvilla to eat a slow dinner and see if JJ might show. It was absolutely ridiculous how disappointed she'd been last Friday when JJ didn't show up. She prepared herself for the fact that JJ likely would not show that night either.

The disappointed was less that night when she finally paid her bill and made the walk back to her apartment, but it was still there. She ran into Ana in the hallway.

"Maria, I was hoping to see you. I'm so sorry about Isabel today. She is very forward, and doesn't always have the best discretion."

"It's really okay." And it was. It was nice, actually. Flattering. She'd spent some time thinking about it at dinner. Not that Emily wanted to date, casually see, or sleep with anyone. Male or female, any time she thought about sex, her heart seized up and she saw herself turning at Derek's office door on the way out and actually saying the words, "I love you," for the first time in her life, instead of a quiet, "Goodbye."

Emily shook off the thought. This was her life now, and there was nothing she could do about it except live so she didn't fall into a depression so deep she couldn't crawl out of it. "So where are you going dancing tomorrow night?" she asked Ana.

Ana smiled and gave her the name and address.


	6. Chapter 6

The excitement rose in JJ during the twenty minute drive between the airport in Madrid and La Buganvilla restaurant. It was just after six thirty and she hoped Emily was already there. It had been easy to pull off her plan and get to Madrid. No one questioned a thing. She'd stored her larger suitcase in a locker at the airport, left the pilots and told them to have a good night, that she was going to grab some real food and a hotel room before her flight back to DC the next day.

The difficult part of her journey was going to come when she had to tell Will she was only home for two days before she needed to leave again. The only reason she'd managed to keep any days off at all was because she'd convinced Cruz that Will would become overly suspicious if she was gone completely for nearly a month. Things were heating up, and Cruz had become someone she almost completely trusted. They were both committed to discovering the identity of the traitor and double agent on their team.

JJ shook off thoughts about Afghanistan and thoughts about home. She had twenty-four hours to be with her friend and she didn't want them all laden with the heavy realities of their lives.

Her heart was racing in hope and desperation to see Emily by the time the cab slowed down and pulled to the curb. She paid the driver and got out of the cab, pulling her bag over her shoulder, her face lighting up with a huge smile. She could see Emily through the window of the restaurant, and she was pleased to see that Emily actually looked okay. There was a woman sitting across from her. Emily had a plate of food and a glass of wine in front of her, but the woman had nothing. She saw Emily give one of her patented looks, the one that read part humor and part exasperation, as she shook her head and laughed at the woman.

JJ took a deep breath and walked through the door of the restaurant. Emily saw her right away. The woman she was with was talking, but Emily stood from her seat, leaving her mid-sentence, and walked towards JJ, tears immediately swimming in her eyes.

JJ had tears of her own when Emily wrapped her in a hug. The both laughed with joy. "I can't believe you're here," Emily whispered. And then she laughed again. "That's the first time I've spoken English in weeks."

They released each other, both of them becoming aware that they were in the middle of a restaurant and many curious eyes were on them, none more curious than the woman at Emily's table, JJ could see.

With a slight eye-roll and smile, Emily said, "Come meet Isabel."

Curious about the eye-roll, JJ followed Emily back to the table.

"Isabel, this is my friend Jennifer," Emily said.

Isabel looked between JJ and Emily before standing and smiling, holding her hand out to JJ. "It's nice to meet you," she said in lightly-accented English.

JJ really took her in. Isabel was stunning. She smiled and shook Isabel's hand. "Nice to meet you as well."

"I wasn't aware you were expecting a visitor," Isabel said to Emily, clearly filled with curiosity at this unexpected person showing up in the restaurant with an overnight bag on her shoulder.

JJ interjected, "Oh, she wasn't. Maria and I chat online often and she told me about this restaurant and how she indulges in the best paella ever on Friday nights. I've been traveling in Europe for work and had an extra day, so I flew in from London this evening and decided to see if I could surprise her here."

Emily looked at her gratefully and laughed, "Which you definitely did."

Isabel looked between the two of them again before turning to Emily with a small smile on her face. JJ picked up the light-hearted sarcasm in her voice even though she didn't understand the words. "Ella es hermosa. Ahora entiendo por qué estás siempre me resiste. Voy a ir a reparar mi corazón roto en la pista de baile. Disfrute de su visita."

Emily laughed and shook her head slightly.

Isabel turned to JJ and said, "I'll leave you to enjoy your visit."

When Isabel walked away, JJ put down her bag, pulled out Isabel's vacated chair and sat down, Emily taking her seat on the other side of the table again, staring at JJ. "I really can't believe you're here."

JJ smiled. "It's really good to see you. You have no idea. I'm so happy to see you looking relatively okay."

Emily smiled sadly and spoke quietly. "I'm okay during the day, as long as I stay focused on being Maria. The nights are hard. But let's not talk about that now. I'm just so happy to see you."

JJ nodded at that. "What did Isabel say before she left?"

Emily raised her eyebrow and visibly inhaled. "She said, 'She's beautiful. Now I see why you're always resisting me. I'm going to go mend my broken heart on the dance floor. Enjoy your visit.'"

JJ widened her eyes at Emily, and then laughed. "Apparently we have some catching up to do."

Emily joined in the laughter. "We do. Are you hungry?"

JJ's mouth actually watered at the sight of the food in front of Emily. "Starving."

Emily pushed her plate towards JJ. "I'll order some more, but go ahead and eat. Do you want some wine?"

"No, thank you. Just water is fine," JJ said, fork already in hand. This pregnancy was different than her last one, where she had to force herself to eat the first eight weeks or so. This time, though, she'd been ravenous for the past several days, since the day she missed her period, so ravenous that even the government-issued food in Afghanistan looked appealing. She started eating the delicious food in front of her and couldn't stop.

She heard Emily order another plate of food and ask for water.

"Don't they feed you when you're on assignment?" Emily asked after a minute. JJ looked up from the food and saw an amused look on her friend's face.

JJ swallowed the paella in her mouth and grinned. "I'm pregnant. You're the first one to know. I'm barely pregnant, but I can't stop eating."

Emily smiled hugely at her and reached her hand forward to squeeze her arm. "Congratulations, JJ!" But then her face fell.

"What?" asked JJ.

Emily lowered her voice, even though their table was tucked in a corner and they wouldn't be overheard. "Jayje, you can't go back out on assignment."

JJ was surprised that Emily would say something like that. If Emily ever got pregnant, she could actually see her shopping for maternity kevlar vests and insisting on being in the field until she got through the first stages of labor. "You sound like Will the last time I was pregnant," she said flatly.

"JJ, no. I don't mean it like that. It's more about the fact that you don't have anyone where you are that has your back or that you can completely trust. It's not like being with all of us. It's dangerous and there's no one looking out for you, and I know you don't think you need that, but you do. We all do in those situations."

JJ looked down at her food and took another bite, absorbing those words. "I'm going back one more time. I have to. And then I'll figure out what to do." She smiled at Emily, "Let's shelve the heavy stuff for tonight, okay? If it's okay with you, I'd just like one night with my friend where we can have a little fun. We can talk about things like that tomorrow; I don't have to fly out until the evening."

Emily returned her smile and nodded.

"So, tell me about your life here. Tell me about Isabel," JJ said with a smirk.

"It's not as salacious and you're imagining it. Not by a long shot," Emily said with a light laugh. Then her face sobered again, "I can't even go there in my head, JJ. I don't know if I'll ever be able to again to be honest. I…" She trailed off and shook her head and took a breath. "Heavy stuff for tomorrow. OK. I rent a studio from a woman named Ana. Isabel is her friend. And I am Maria, the mysterious woman who is in Spain for a few months. I go out in the evenings with Ana and Isabel and more of their friends a few times a week. Isabel saw me sitting at the table here, through the window, and she came in. That's why she was here when you showed up."

"And?"

"And nothing. Isabel tries, I decline, she pouts playfully and then sets her sights on someone else at whatever bar or dance club we're at. It's actually been a good distraction in a lot of ways. She's pretty inventive and entertaining with her lines. But Isabel is the type that hardly ever goes home alone, and she's persistent, convinced that one of these days I'm going to be the one that goes home with her. I won't be. It's just a role I'm playing, a cover I try to absorb completely so I don't fall apart."

She eyed Emily while the waiter put Emily's plate of food down in front of her. Emily laughed when she looked at JJ's empty plate. "I won't eat all of this. Do you want some?" she asked JJ.

JJ rolled her eyes and then sighed. "Yes."

Emily grinned and pushed half the food from her plate to JJ's.

"OK, Maria," JJ said softly, "But what about Emily? Would Emily go home with someone like Isabel?"

Em raised her eyebrow at JJ and considered her for awhile before speaking quietly. "Emily has gone home with quite a few Isabels in her past, but not in the last few years."

It actually wasn't that surprising to JJ. "Huh," she said and shrugged, then smiled at Emily.

Emily laughed. "Huh, what?"

"We have more in common than you think."

Emily's eyes shot up. "Really?"

JJ shrugged again. "Soccer and good grades were my ticket out of Pennsylvania and away from my very conservative, very strict parents. I was a Division I college athlete. Getting drunk or experimenting with drugs could have jeopardized my scholarship. Sex couldn't really. So that is the area in which I went a little crazy for a few years, mostly with men, but with a few women as well."

"Huh," said Emily.

JJ laughed. "Hey, I have an idea. Where's this dance club that Isabel went to? We could have a little fun and get her to back off a bit."

"Uh...no."

"Why not? Think of it as me going undercover with you. I'm not JJ. I'm Jennifer. You and I met…"

Emily eyed her long and hard before finally smiling, "in New York when we both worked for the same company. But our careers are very demanding and require a lot of travel. We only get to see each other occasionally now."

"Perfect."

"You know this could totally backfire on me. Isabel might enjoy the competition and only get more persistent after you leave."

JJ grinned. "But think of the entertaining distraction that would be."

* * *

After JJ walked with Emily to her studio to drop her bag, they both had their distracting evening, laughing a lot, dancing closely together while Isabel eyed them, sharing conspiring smiles. In between dancing, Isabel asked them questions about how they knew each other, and they used the basic story they'd come up with and then ad-libbed on the fly.

They walked home and giggled frequently. There wasn't anything overt that happened, nothing she wouldn't tell Will about if she was able to tell him Emily was alive and that she'd seen her. But it was fun. A release they both seemed to need. JJ hadn't laughed so much in a very long time.

It was later that evening after they'd gotten ready for bed and Emily put a bed together for herself on the couch that the reality of their lives settled back over both of them, first JJ and then Emily.

JJ lay there in Emily's bed listening to her friend's quiet breathing across the room. She rested one hand on her stomach and her thoughts swirled about her assignment, about telling Will she was pregnant. She decided she didn't want to tell him yet. She didn't want that happy news delivered in the same breath as her telling him that she was only home for forty-eight hours. He might ask, and she wouldn't outright lie if he did, but she doubted he'd question her. They'd been trying to get pregnant for awhile, and he'd stopped asking, not wanting to deal with the disappointing, "No."

She made a commitment that her next leg in Afghanistan just a few days later would be her last. Whatever happened, she'd come home, she'd tell Will about the baby, she'd insist on a different assignment, and start living her life again. The Pentagon, Strauss, whomever was really in charge of what JJ was doing now could not possibly send a pregnant woman into that assignment. And if they insisted she go back, she'd refuse, no matter what it did to her career.

Content with her decision, she started to drift off to sleep only to hear Emily gasping and crying a few minutes later. JJ got out of the bed and walked the short distance to the couch, sinking down to the floor in front of Emily's face.

"Em?"

Emily's arms reached for her immediately and held on while she sobbed against JJ's shoulder. JJ rubbed her back, tears filling her own eyes. This is what Emily meant in the restaurant when she said, "The nights are hard," before stopping herself.

"How is he?" Emily gasped, pulling away from JJ and wiping her eyes.

JJ stood and Emily sat up on the couch, making space for her. JJ sat and pulled part of Emily's blanket over her lap. She didn't need to ask who the "he" was that Emily was referring to.

"Derek's sad, but managing to keep himself going," she finally replied.

"The truth, Jayje," Emily whispered.

JJ sighed. She didn't want to heap this reality onto Emily's already over-full plate of emotions. "He's devastated."

She saw Emily nod out of the corner of her eye, and then watched her friend crumble in a fresh wave of sobs.

JJ put her arm around Emily's back and pulled her closer, letting Emily cry against her until she was all cried out. "I want to go home so badly, JJ," Emily sighed. "Me being dead is the safest thing for all of you, though, and ultimately I want you all alive. I want Derek alive because he won't be sad forever and he can have a good life. That's what I tell myself every night when I dream about him and wake up thinking about getting on a plane."

A realization came to JJ then. She knew Emily and Derek cared about each other, and she knew they occasionally flirted, their banter not always kept outside the BAU. She knew they trusted each other. But there was something else there, too.

"You love him," JJ said softly.

"I'm not sure I even know what love is, Jayje," was Emily's quiet reply. "Sometimes I think I do, but then I tell myself that if I really loved him, I wouldn't have shown up at his office that night to only compound his hurt when I was gone. And I'm also not sure it matters. As long as Doyle's out there, I'm here, or France, or Germany or wherever."

JJ turned to look at Emily and Emily faced her. The moonlight was enough to see Emily's facial expressions.

"You love him," she repeated.

"I do," Emily replied after a few deep breaths.

"I'm pretty sure he loves you, too."

"I think I know he does. Or at least he did. If I ever get home, I'm pretty sure there's not going to be a whole lot of love left there."

JJ turned her head back and closed her eyes. This was the person she could be the most honest with right now, and she was considering holding something back, but decided against it. If she was in Emily's shoes, she'd want full-disclosure. "I'm not sure how much Hotch is able to try and track Doyle right now, Em. He's under a lot of pressure from Strauss and the higher-ups. I don't know how much longer you're going to have to keep hiding." _Or if you're going to have to accept that it's forever, _she quietly thought.

Emily didn't blink at those words. "That's not surprising. Hotch had an agent go rogue and go after Ian Doyle, and that agent ended up dead, and Doyle escaped. Don't be too hard on him about not being able to search for Doyle as much as he'd like to."

JJ turned her head back and gave Emily an incredulous look. "How can you be so forgiving and understanding? He took away your life without asking you."

Emily leaned her head back against the couch and closed her eyes. "What happened with me, what Hotch did, that happened a few times in the nine years I was with Interpol. I was even in the position to make the call a few times, to erase someone's life for his or her own safety. It's not an enviable position."

JJ skipped turning her head and turned her entire body on the couch, crossing her legs and facing Emily. "You were with Interpol for nine years?"

Emily looked at her and turned her body as well. "I was recruited right out of the FBI academy, but I didn't know that right away. Clyde Easter wanted me for my language skills mostly, but I was twenty-four years old and he wanted me to have a little more experience first, and wanted to have a built-in cover story for me if I didn't work out on his team and I needed to come back. I was assigned to a small field office in the mid-west. It was a year and a half after that that Clyde came into my life, and I followed him to London. I was bored a hell at that field office, and his job offer for deep undercover work sounded exciting, and I…" Emily paused and cleared her throat. "I was seeing someone who I found out was lying to me about who he was, and I just wanted to get away."

Emily rubbed her hands on her legs and then started picking at her nails again. JJ reached over and rested her hand on Emily's, stilling the action. Emily smiled and continued, "I was really good at going undercover, at fully pretending to be someone else. So good it sometimes scared me. I wasn't quite twenty-six years old yet, and my first assignment, my test really, was as a stripper at a private club. I was to cozy up to this man in his sixties who everyone knew was the backer behind most of the cocaine being brought into England. He spoke English, but was from Russia. Over the course of a few weeks, I was to get him to notice me, get him to like me, and then, dazzling him with my pretty incredible lap dancing skills I didn't even know I had, get him to open up around me, speaking Russian to contacts on the phone, a language I could understand. I pulled it off without a hitch, got the information Interpol needed. After that it became like a high, Jayje. Easier assignments were disappointing, I always wanted more difficult ones. And I mostly always got them. I was Clyde Easter's dream, and I delivered. Until Ian Doyle finally broke me. Then I helped hide Declan and Louise."

JJ's mouth was hanging open, shocked by what Emily was telling her, shocked that Emily was telling her this at all. This all started when Emily was twenty-five years old, far too young to be living that kind of life. "And then what? It was almost two years between then and you joining the BAU."

Emily considered her for a bit. "I helped get Declan settled for awhile while Easter got a cover story for me in place. I went back to a field office in Ohio for about a year, just to establish myself with other agents so if anyone asked I could tell convincing stories about agents who actually existed. Then I got assigned to the BAU. That was my choice; it was the team I wanted to be on, and Easter made it happen. There's got to be someone high up at the FBI who knows all of this, I'm just not sure who, and Easter wouldn't spill that information. Someone above Strauss for sure. She wanted me because she thought I would align with her against Hotch, but she had nothing to hold over me; she would have had plenty if she knew my real background."

JJ noticed when Emily skipped over things, namely exactly how Doyle had broken her, and where and how she got Declan settled, but JJ wasn't going to ask. Emily was profoundly private and JJ felt honored and almost overwhelmed with the amount of information Emily had shared with her in the past several hours. "I can't believe you told me all of that," whispered JJ.

Emily laughed and patted JJ's leg. "It's only because I'm dead."

JJ startled at those words a bit before huffing out a laugh herself. "Do you think you can sleep now?"

Emily looked down. "For a couple of hours until I have another dream. But you don't have to get up if you hear me. I'm used to it. I'll try to be quiet."

JJ had never heard Emily's voice dripping with so much sadness before. She stood up from the couch and reached for Emily's hand, pulling her up and towards the bed. Emily didn't say anything, just allowed JJ to maneuver her until she was laying down on the bed. JJ went around and crawled into the other side. She reached out and took Emily's hand again. "At least for tonight, you'll be able to wake up and know you're not alone."

Emily looked at her and blinked back tears before smiling slightly and closing her eyes. "Thank you," she whispered.

* * *

Fifteen days later, JJ woke up to her own nightmare - a nightmare worse than having to lie to Will about her job, worse than having to lie to the team about Emily's death. She'd made the decision to come back to Afghanistan one more time, to not tell Will she was pregnant, and in a hail of gunfire and explosions she could still feel ringing in her ears, she'd miscarried.

JJ quickly learned what it felt like to wake up constantly with tears in her eyes, how you could struggle against sleep even though you were injured and exhausted, just so you didn't have to dream. How it was to feel so hopelessly alone. Her dreams weren't about just one person like Emily's seemed to be. Her dreams were the ghosts of everyone she'd lied to in the months since she left the FBI. Their sad, angry faces haunted her.

She'd shown some emotion when Cruz told her about the miscarriage, but there was really no one here she felt comfortable crying around or showing any weakness to. She'd dried those tears up, and hour by hour, dream by dream, the lump she had to swallow past in her throat grew larger.

On her second night in the makeshift military hospital in Afghanistan, after yet another nightmare, she wiped her eyes and dragged her sore body from the hospital bed. She felt like her entire torso was bruised. She pulled on the robe that Cruz had left at the foot of her bed, and shoved her feet into slippers. When the nurse tried to stop her, she gently pushed her out of the way. She marched out of the small building and down the dirt road to Cruz's tent. She heard voices inside and knew he wasn't asleep, so she pulled open the flap and stepped inside.

She saw Cruz, another officer and the two pilots, Mike and Raymond, playing cards.

"JJ," said Cruz softly.

She ignored him and looked at the pilots. "Good, you're here. It saves me a step. I need to get the hell out of here. Tonight."

"JJ, you can't go home yet. You're off the hook, you're done with this assignment, but you can't go home that banged up. You just need to give your body a chance to heal, for the bruises to fade, and then the pilots will fly you straight home to DC."

She looked at Cruz. "I know I can't go home, but I can't stay here. I'm going crazy. I need to get out of here. I'll lay low in Europe somewhere until I'm healed."

Cruz stared at her and eventually nodded. "OK. But tomorrow."

She shook her head at him. "Are you guys up for flying tonight?" she asked the pilots.

They looked at Cruz first before facing her, both of them shrugging and nodding.

She looked back at Cruz. "Now," she demanded, but then tacked on a softer, "Please."

With a deep sigh, Cruz nodded.

"Thank you," she told him. "Just give me a few minutes to change and pack," she said to the pilots.

Cruz followed her out of his tent and back to hers. "I don't want to talk. I can't right now," she said without turning around. She heard his footsteps stop. He let her go.

Mike showed up at her tent a few minutes later and took her suitcase from her. He watched her wince as she tried to lift her smaller overnight bag onto her shoulder, and he reached out and took that from her, too. "Where are we going? We need to make a flight plan."

She didn't answer too quickly, not wanting to make anyone suspicious. She acted like it didn't matter, like her destination was of little consequence to her as long as she didn't have to be there anymore, when in reality, her destination was the one thing she was holding onto at the moment. It was the one place she might be able to mend herself in a handful of days or so, to cry and get past the lump in her throat so that she could go home and be JJ again.

"I don't care," she sighed. And then, "Madrid. That's fine. Just take me back to Madrid."


	7. Chapter 7

Madrid was on day two of a heat wave. Though the view in Emily's studio was great, the several windows also pounded late afternoon sun into the space. She'd slept with all the windows open the night before and a fan blowing, but it didn't really drop the temperature to a comfortable level. Frustrated and unable to sleep, she'd flung herself out of bed at five-thirty in the morning and put on her running clothes and sneakers.

It had taken her six weeks, but her running time and distance was back on track with what it was pre-injury. As she moved her body through the already warm air on that last Sunday in May, Emily started planning her exit from Madrid in her mind. She loved it there, she felt safe and she didn't want to leave, but it was getting to be time. There was one cardinal rule when you're undercover or pretending to be someone else - when your fake persona starts making honest, human connections with people, it's time to pull out before you do something stupid that could blow your cover, get you killed, or fuck with your head so much that the real you gets lost.

* * *

_Pretending to be Lauren, to be someone entirely different, worked for a good long while, but she honestly started caring about Declan. Doyle disgusted her and it was still like acting in a play when she was with him, but she kept caring about Declan and their bond grew stronger. After five months, the reality of what she was doing - coming to care so much for Declan and convincingly pretending she loved Ian - came crashing down on her when Doyle admitted Declan was his, not the maid's, and started talking about a more permanent commitment and her raising Declan. Doyle seemed to accept her refusal; had Emily been thinking with a totally clear head instead of being so worried about the fact that the little boy she cared about was ___actually _Ian's, she would have known just how off it was that Doyle was so nice when she refused. Ian Doyle got his way. Period.  
_

_Two weeks after that conversation with Ian, a couple days after she'd checked in with Easter and her stubborn, overly-committed self told him everything was fine, she was getting ready for bed and she couldn't find her birth control pills. "Ian," she called out, "Have you seen my pills?"_

_He'd come into the bathroom, put his arms around her and kissed her neck. "I decided you don't need those anymore." _

_Emily remembered the all-encompassing fear that shook her body, fear that she quickly pushed down. "Ian, you can't make that choice for me," she said calmly. "I don't want to get pregnant, I'm not ready to be a mother and it's not what I want for my life right now." _

_"You're just scared. You'll feel differently with time." _

_She moved his arms and turned around, facing him. "No, I won't. Not anytime soon." _

_She remembered the flash of anger in his eyes and had just started moving away before his hand landed heavily on the side of her face, the sting bringing tears to her eyes. "I think you might be forgetting who I am and what I'm capable of, Lauren." _

_Ian was capable of raping her if he wanted to. He was capable of killing her or forcing her to have sex with him at gunpoint. He was capable of horrors she didn't want to have to live with the memories of. _

_She survived another two months, two months where there was no way to contact Easter or anyone on her team because Doyle kept her isolated and hardly ever let her out of his sight. For this complicated, long assignment, because there were cameras on the outside of the property and Easter could actually lay eyes on the fact that Emily was alive, the rule was three months. If she didn't make verbal contact in three months, either by phone or with a code phrase delivered to another member of the Interpol team that had infiltrated into some of the groups Doyle was connected with, she'd automatically be extricated. She needed out sooner than that. She needed out yesterday. _

_She quickly came to realize that if there was any hope of contacting her team, she was going to have to get Ian to trust her again, she was going to have to play along. She started talking about how having a baby might not be so bad. She was open to sex whenever, and every time, she closed her eyes and willed her body to not get pregnant._

_The first month, she cried happy tears of relief when her period came. She emerged from the bathroom and made those tears seem about sorrow. "I guess I started getting used to the idea and now I'm disappointed," she told Doyle. _

_"I told you. It was just fear. We'll try again next month," he responded with a hug. _

_He started showing a few more signs of trust the second month, allowing her slightly more freedom. Not enough to contact anyone, though. She didn't know exactly where the cameras were, but she tried to go outside and find them, to convey a look at the very least that she needed to get out and get out now. But every time she was outside, Doyle was either with her or watching her from the house. _

_Her period didn't make a second appearance. She spent two days hoping it was just because she was irregular after being on the pill for so long. She sat up in bed the third day after she thought her period would come and felt her stomach roll immediately. She felt her breasts and almost cried at the excruciating sensitivity. __Ian was not a dumb man; she knew he'd likely show up with a pregnancy test soon. And they were supposed to leave that day to meet with a man about some weapons. __She needed to think fast and hope like hell. _

_Ian had security cameras all over the house, but not the bedroom. She went to the dresser and pulled one of Ian's pocket knives from his display case. She slipped off her underwear and bit into the material as she cut a slice of skin between her toes, a place Ian likely wouldn't notice. She dripped the blood onto her underwear and kept squeezing the wound until there was enough. Then she shoved her still bleeding foot into her slippers before pulling her underwear back on. She looked. No blood on the floor. She put the knife away and tried to calm her heart. She waited until she heard the shower turn off before entering the bathroom._

_Ian was drying himself off and she sat down on the toilet. "Damn," she said. _

_She looked up at Doyle with tears in her eyes, watching his eyes flash to her underwear. "I started wanting this. I was actually starting to get excited. You were right," she said softly, giving him a small smile through her tears. _

_He grinned. "It's okay, Love. It will happen. We'll have fun trying again next month."_

_She nodded and he walked out of the bathroom. "Hey, Ian? Can you get me my ibuprofen? It's in the kitchen. I have a head ache and I can already tell the cramps are going to be awful." _

_He stepped back into the doorway. "I'm only gone a day. Why don't you stay here with Declan and rest?" _

_"I'd love to. Thank you," she told him, relieved that her plan had worked, even though it was too late. Now she needed to get out of there for entirely different reasons. She pushed her fear down.  
_

_She waited anxiously after he left, making sure he was gone for thirty minutes. That would give her thirty minutes to get off the property, get to a pay phone and get back before he returned, just in case he did. Thirty minutes was enough time. _

_She made contact with Easter. "I have enough information for a solid arrest, not just Ian, but several of his contacts as well. You have to get me the hell out of here. Doyle's supposed to be back tomorrow morning. You can arrest him and pull me out."  
_

_"Are you safe?" Clyde asked, concerned by her voice. "I've never heard you sound this scared. I've never heard you sound scared at all." _

_"I'm fine. Just get me out of here. And, Clyde, you have to get Declan out of here as well."_

_"The maid's son?" _

_"Declan isn't Louise's son. He's Doyle's. Put that in a report anywhere, tell anyone ever, and I will rip your balls off, I promise you that. You have to get him out of here. Get Louise, too." _

_She played her role as Lauren right up until the very end, when that car pulled up and those men grabbed her, looking back at Doyle like she was scared, confused and in love with him. _

_A day after that, when Declan and Louise were in a safe house in London, Emily went out and bought a pregnancy test, just to be sure even though she really didn't have a doubt. She found a women's clinic. She made an appointment for an abortion. But she walked into that clinic and looked around at the other women in the waiting area. There was a young girl there - she could have been there for a check-up, or birth control, or anything else - but Emily saw herself there as a fifteen year old and the flashbacks were too much. She turned around and walked out. _

_She went home for the first time in over seven months, looked at herself in the mirror in the bathroom of her flat and didn't recognize herself. Her eyes looked haunted.  
_

* * *

Emily's feet pounded the pavement and she shook the memories from her head, coming back to the present. Isabel was still Isabel, and she was insignificant in Emily's mind. But Ana was becoming a true friend. It wasn't even close to the same thing as the bond she developed with Declan, not at all. The problem was, developing any personal connection with anyone while she tried to live as Maria scared the crap out of her.

She'd fought her demons as best she could telling half-truths to a therapist in Ohio while she did her time at the field office there, she'd been assigned to the BAU, she got to learn to be Emily and she found a family in the team. She learned to really like herself and respect herself for the first time in her life. She felt genuine, and that was a better high than difficult undercover assignments. She didn't want to become Maria so completely that she lost herself again. She was holding out hope that she would get to be Emily again someday.

As she approached her building, she made the decision. Two weeks. She'd tell Ana tomorrow that she'd received a job offer and she'd be leaving in the middle of June. She'd pick a different ID and start over. Where? Not Paris. Definitely not London or Rome. Greece. She'd be Dana Kennedy, a teacher from London, taking a summer in Greece.

Pleased with the plan, she climbed the stairs, looking forward to a cool shower to combat the heat. Instead, when she came to the landing, she was met by JJ sitting on the floor outside her apartment door. Her head was bent down, but she looked up when she heard Emily, and Emily saw that look in JJ's eye, that look of someone haunted, someone broken by an assignment. JJ stood and Emily stepped towards her.

"What happened?" she asked softly.

JJ shook her head as tears filled her eyes. Emily was pretty sweaty, but JJ looked like she could use a shower, too. And it didn't matter, not at all. Emily stepped forward and wrapped her in a hug, and JJ gasped in pain.

Emily released her and took JJ's hand instead. "You're hurt. What happened?" she asked again.

JJ's mouth kept opening and closing, like she couldn't get the words out. Emily reached forward and unlocked her door. She grabbed JJ's bags and ushered her inside, closing the door behind her.

JJ was still mute, silent tears dripping down her face. Emily stepped behind her and lifted her shirt, inhaling deeply at the sight of the bruises on her back. "Jesus, JJ. What the hell happened?"

With Emily not looking at her face, JJ seemed to find some words. "Ambushed. One of the team, the double agent." Emily watched JJ's head drop, chin to her chest. "I lost the baby. I never told Will I was pregnant," she whispered.

"Oh, Jayje," Emily whispered, blinking back tears in her own eyes. She wanted to hug JJ, but she was afraid to touch her anywhere and hurt her. Instead she took JJ's hand again and gently guided her to the couch. She sat and watched JJ take a seat as well, though more gingerly.

"Do you want to talk about it yet?" Emily asked. She wasn't going to demand conversation. JJ was here because she did want to talk, but Emily wasn't going to rush her.

JJ shook her head. "I feel like I just need to cry about it first. I couldn't cry there."

Emily nodded. She understood that completely. She squeezed JJ's hand. "Then cry, my friend."

JJ smiled lightly at that and then the tears started up again. Eventually she moved herself slightly away from Emily so she could lay down carefully on her side. She rested her head on Emily's thigh. Emily took her hand and placed it gently on JJ's head. She let JJ cry.

Finally JJ whispered, "I shouldn't have gone back. I should have listened to you. I'm so angry with myself. And I didn't think it would feel like such a loss; I wasn't that far along. I don't know if it feels like more of a loss because it was my fault, or it would just feel this way no matter what."

"I don't know, JJ," Emily said softly. Emily took a deep breath and gently ran her hand down JJ's arm. JJ wasn't like Emily, something that made Emily both grateful and jealous. JJ was pretty private, but she let herself feel when something horrible happened, and until a few months ago when this assignment took a terrible turn for her, she was always, always JJ. When faced with something terribly difficult, Emily shut down and became someone else.

* * *

_She stared at her haunted eyes in the mirror and tried to go back in time and wish for a different outcome. She should have tried to escape, but they were all in so deep, so far, and she would have put her own life in danger as well as the rest of the team's lives. No, staying was the right thing to do. Her job came with huge risks. She'd contemplated getting shot, being assaulted, getting knifed, even blowing up over the years. She'd just never contemplated the possibility of this._

_She couldn't have another abortion; __she just couldn't bring herself to do that again. But she also couldn't raise Ian Doyle's baby, the idea actually sending shivers down her spine. And then there was the fact that if Doyle ever escaped, she'd be putting that child's life in danger. She couldn't be around Declan, and she couldn't raise this baby for that reason alone.  
_

_With tears falling down her face she thought about how she just wanted to be Emily Prentiss, and no one else ever again. She remembered when she was leaving for college that she was going to figure herself out, and she hadn't done that yet. Sixteen years after she'd first set foot on Yale's campus, she still had no fucking clue who Emily Prentiss really was.  
_

_She called Easter. "Have you figured out how to make Lauren Reynold's dead yet?"_

_"It's in the works." _

_"Good. Make it airtight. Clyde, I'm done. I'm taking Louise and Declan with me back to the United States. I need the jet to get them there, and temporary IDs for them. I'll get them permanent ones once we're there."  
_

_"Emily," he sighed. "What happened in there with Doyle? You need to talk about it." _

_"I don't want to talk about it." _

_"And I don't want to lose you." _

_"You already have." _

_She hung up the phone and called Tom Kohler. "You remember how you said if there was ever anything you could do to show me how sorry you were for lying to me all those years ago, you'd do it? The time's come."_

_Tom had long ago severed his ties with Interpol. Emily had made her peace with him years ago, on the wings of a conversation over lunch: "You think you know who you are, and you can hang onto that person with jobs like ours, until you realize you've become someone you don't recognize. I know we can't go back, but I want you to know you were never an assignment to me." _

_He traveled a lot with his new job, but he could provide a safe home for Declan. Between Tom keeping him stable, a good boarding school, and Louise caring for him, Declan would have a chance at a really good life. _

_She did what she needed to do, explaining to a five year old why they were going to fake his death. She carried out the plan with Tom's help. They both worked to get Louise and Declan permanent fake IDs, and a birth certificate for Declan's new identity with Tom's name on it. Emily felt confident that Ian in no way could or would dig back far enough to associate Tom Kohler with Emily in any significant way. On paper, she'd been an agent under Tom for a year and a half. No one knew about their personal relationship back then, nor about his ties to Interpol. _

_She stayed with Declan in the house they rented under Louise's new name, finding a school he could start at the upcoming fall, getting Declan settled with his new life and his new identity. And then, before she started really showing, she told Tom that she just needed some time alone to figure out what she wanted to do with her life._

* * *

With JJ's head on her leg, Emily let herself think about that period in her life for the first time in years. She'd done an excellent job blocking it out, and stopping herself every, single time something reminded her. The last time she'd even had a fleeting thought about it was when JJ first brought Henry to the BAU, but she'd pushed it down and instead focused on Morgan holding Henry.

She wanted to talk about it; she wanted to because she thought it might comfort JJ in some way, but she just couldn't.

Finally she spoke again, "JJ, I'm so sorry. I wish I could fix this for you. The only thing I can tell you is that you have to forgive yourself and move on, but I also know that takes time. You were thrust into a situation that made you lie to the people you loved, twice. A job, a career, it's not worth it. You and Will and Henry are more important than any job. You need to be able to get back to JJ, where you can look yourself in the face and feel good about what you're doing." Emily paused and tried to choose words carefully. "You lost a baby, but you can't lose yourself. You have to force yourself not to get lost, every single day, until it doesn't feel forced anymore."

JJ sat up and looked at her. "Is that what you did? After Interpol?"

"Yes. The whole year I was in Ohio, and the first year I was with the BAU. It wasn't until I quit for those few days and then came back that I realized all of you and that job kept be grounded. I knew who I was and I wasn't forcing myself anymore."

* * *

After JJ showered, Emily heard her call Will. "Baby, I have to stay for one more week. But then I'm done with this assignment, done with the Pentagon," she told him.

Emily stepped into the bathroom for her own shower, giving JJ some privacy for that conversation.

The first three days, JJ slept a lot, and Emily spent the time like a mother hen, quietly creeping around that small studio, reading, being there every time JJ woke up from a nightmare. At night, they shared the bed and were there for each other, to remind each other that neither of them was alone.

With her body feeling better, JJ wanted to go out and see Madrid. They walked all over the city and they talked. JJ told her more details about her childhood, her sister who committed suicide, and her college days. In return, Emily told JJ about her childhood, about Matthew and her abortion, about Jane, and about college. They talked about their experiences at the FBI academy. And, eventually, they started talking about the team. It was painful for Emily to talk about Derek, but they kept their conversations to funny stories and memories, and she managed.

Emily realized at a certain point that this was all going to be far harder than leaving Madrid and Maria behind, when JJ left. Without her job at the Pentagon, the odds of JJ being able to come see her shrunk to almost non-existent. She tried to push the inevitable sadness of that down and just enjoy her friend, and enjoy being Emily again for the few days she had to do so.

On the last day JJ was in Madrid, they sat together on Emily's couch, drinking coffee and talking.

"I was thinking about what you said, about the team keeping you grounded. I think I need them in my life right now, the consistency of those personalities and people I care about in order to feel grounded, too," said JJ.

It sounded like both a good and a bad idea to Emily. She chose her words carefully. "You're going to have to weigh the pros and cons of that one, Jayje. I hear what you're saying, and from that perspective, I think it's a really good idea. But Will isn't going to like it, probably. And you're going to be in a situation where you are lying by omission about me every day. I don't know how difficult that might be."

JJ considered that. "I'll think about it some more. I'll have to talk to Will about it first. I think with this last assignment, with how long I was away, the BAU might not seem like such a big deal to him anymore, but I'm not sure."

"Are you going to tell him about the miscarriage?"

"I don't know," she said softly. "On one hand, it would be better to tell him so I can talk about it, even though it means making up more lies about where I was and what I was doing when it happened. On the other hand, trying to let that whole part of my life go, the entire past six months, and giving myself a reset sounds pretty damn good."

Emily reached out and put a hand on JJ's shoulder. "I know all about wanting a fresh start, but make sure you're doing it because it's truly better and healthier for you, and not just because it's easier. Otherwise, I'm afraid you'll keep coming back to this time in your life in your mind and never really heal."

JJ raised her eyebrow. "That's happened to you?"

"I'm not sure it's ever stopped happening, but I also know this time around it wasn't entirely my fault. All I wanted to do was be Emily Prentiss and leave fake identities behind. Yet here I am in Madrid being someone else, and soon I'll be leaving here and move on to being a different person again."

"But, like you said, that's not your fault."

"Not _entirely_ my fault. But Derek knew something was really, really wrong with me, and I think if I had just had the courage to actually tell him what was going on, things could have ended differently. I came to the BAU with a fake resume that I made you all believe was the truth. By the time I trusted you all enough to actually feel like I could tell you about my past, at least you and Morgan, I was too afraid to go back and undo the lies. And this is what I'm left with as a result. I still want to come back, but facing that music is going to scare the hell out of me if it ever happens."

"But if we catch Doyle, you will come back, right?"

"I will. Of course I will," Emily said with a smile.

JJ nodded and then laughed nervously. "That means I'll be facing the music right along with you."

"True. We can support each other through it, though."

The lapsed into silence about that, about the unlikelihood of that ever happening. It was a very real possibility that Emily would never get to be herself again. The thought depressed her. This might actually be her existence, moving from city to city in Europe with different names. _No,_ she told herself. She'd save the last ID she had. If in six months she was still on the run, she'd become that person and let Emily go. She blinked back tears at the thought of never getting to mend things with Derek, never having the opportunity to tell him the truth. That was the one thing she felt like she had to do; it was on equal footing with protecting Declan.

"If you go back to the BAU, you can help look for Doyle, too."

JJ reached out and squeezed her hand. "I know. And I will."

* * *

There was a lot of sadness for both of them on JJ's last night there. JJ was going to have to go home and figure out how to cope with her reality on her own, and Emily was going to have to go back to being Maria, and then Dana Kennedy.

And they might be saying a final goodbye to each other the next morning.

They both tried that night to pretend the next morning wasn't coming. They went out to dinner. They talked and laughed. Every once in awhile they'd catch each other's eyes and both of them would quickly blink back tears.

They went out dancing that night and caught up with Ana and Isabel. They assumed their roles as Maria and Jennifer, but there was a different energy that night. There were no conspiring smiles; there was sadness and desperation and seriousness in the glances they shared. They drank wine. Enough for inhibitions to be lowered, but not enough that either of them couldn't put a stop to what ultimately happened.

They walked back to Emily's studio and it was JJ who spontaneously grabbed Emily and pushed her against the wall. "I'm Jennifer, and you're Maria, and this is my last night in Madrid."

JJ's lips were on hers, and Emily was kissing her back before she could even get her head together to think. _This is wrong. JJ loves Will, they have a son, and I like Will and this is only compounding the mess that JJ has to go home to, _she thought. She gently pushed on JJ's shoulders and pulled her lips away, even though it was the last thing she wanted to do. Her desperation level was almost as high as it was back in March. JJ had been her lifeline, and that lifeline was leaving and couldn't likely come back.

They stared at each other, both of them breathing heavily, neither of them finding words. Finally JJ said it again. "I'm Jennifer and your Maria. For one night. And tomorrow, we're back to ourselves and this never happened."

Emily knew those words. She'd shared similar words with Derek three months ago. And she knew why JJ was doing this; because she wanted to one time before she had to go home and face what she had to face. And Emily knew why she wanted this. It wasn't the same as it was with Derek. She loved JJ, but not at all in the same way. She wanted this because she might never get back home and she wanted one last physical connection to that life before it was gone, possibly forever. And because JJ was safe and she wouldn't have to explain the scars on her body.

She pushed thoughts of Derek, thoughts of Emily away. She became Maria, and JJ was Jennifer. She reached forward and pulled JJ to her that time, and she stopped thinking. Everything became about sensations. JJ's mouth tasted like wine and something uniquely her. Her skin was softer than any skin she'd ever touched. They kicked off shoes and helped each other remove their clothing as they made a slow walk towards the bed.

They didn't spend a lot of time looking at each other. They kept their physical connection close, JJ pushing Emily back onto the bed and then quickly following, crawling over Emily and then laying down on top of her. They were quiet as they kissed and hands explored; not loud moans and words, but soft sighs and whimpers born from a mutually shared fragility.

JJ shifted her body and raised herself up a bit, a knee on each side of Emily thigh. There was one brief flash of sadness there when she looked down and saw the branding and scar on Emily, the moonlight enough to illuminate them. But in an instant, Emily saw that gone from her face. She kissed Emily and trailed one hand gently over Emily's breasts. Emily mirrored those movements, reaching up with one hand, the other tangled in JJ's hair.

They were both shaking slightly, a mixture of nervousness and excitement. Never breaking their kiss, Emily moved her hand down JJ's torso slowly and then ran one finger through JJ's wet folds. They both shared a low moan at that contact. JJ kept herself propped up on her knees and one hand and moved her hand lower until she was mirroring Emily's touches.

Emily thought about flipping JJ over, thought about trailing her lips down JJ's body, thought about tasting her, but JJ pulled out of their kiss and they both opened their eyes, blue on black, and Emily absorbed the reality she saw and immediately felt. This was intimate enough; a comfort they were both trying to give each other, a goodbye they didn't want to say with words.

They glided their fingers against and inside each other until finally, with foreheads touching and shuddering bodies, they both fell over the edge at nearly the same time with quiet gasps and whispers.

They stilled and caught their breath and then JJ lifted her head and their eyes met again. They spoke volumes with no words at all. This could never happen again. The opportunity probably wouldn't present itself anyway. But they weren't quite ready to go back to themselves, to their friendship. Not yet.

JJ moved her body and lay down on her side, her head on Emily's shoulder, her arm over Emily's waist, and Emily put her arm around JJ. They slept soundly that night; no nightmares for either of them.

The next morning when they woke up, there wasn't a look of guilt on JJ's face. There was just apprehension and sadness, about what was to come, what she was going to tell Will, what her future might look like. She'd need to leave for the airport in a couple of hours.

Emily wanted to give her something, something to show her that a person could definitely survive the worst and still manage to be okay, because Emily had done that. She'd done it for a little over six years, and she'd still be doing it if Doyle hadn't escaped.

Deep down she thought the best thing JJ could do is tell Will everything about her assignment, even if it would be difficult to unveil those lies. She wanted to show JJ that it was possible to share your darkest secrets with someone you trusted and cared about, even though Emily had never done it before.

She couldn't tell her the truth about Declan. It wasn't about distrust, more just a fierce protection that she couldn't let her walls down about, because Doyle was out there and knew Declan was alive now. But she could tell her a different story, one so deeply hidden that there was no chance it would come back to affect her. Because she did trust JJ, and JJ would never say a word.

It was a story JJ would never find in Emily's journals that were currently in her possession. It was the story that had been on the tip of her tongue seven days ago when JJ showed up at her apartment. It was a story that would let JJ know she related to the loss of a baby far better than JJ knew.

She got out of the bed and walked to her dresser, pulling on a t-shirt and pajama pants. Then she went to JJ's suitcase and handed her her pajamas. JJ looked at her curiously, but pulled the garments on. Sitting up in bed facing each other, back to being Emily and JJ, Emily reached for JJ's hand.

"I want to tell you something..."

* * *

_Emily said goodbye to Declan, walked out the door of that house and immediately assumed the identity of one of her many fake ID's. Carla Englen. She took a cab directly to Dulles. She looked at the departing flights and chose the first one leaving that still had a seat available that wasn't too far away, in case Declan needed her. Carla Englen arrived in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania four months pregnant. She found an adoption attorney, that attorney found the adoptive parents. Carla didn't want to know who, didn't want to meet them, just content to know that they'd been married for eight years and seemed like stable, good people. They paid for her small apartment, via her attorney. _

_She did what she needed to do physically for her pregnancy, eating even when she didn't want to, going to doctor's appointments at a clinic. She didn't look at her body in the mirror, she was detached from her changing shape when she showered. She was emotionally removed, even when she felt the baby kicking. She blocked out the sound of the heartbeat at each doctor's appointment, going somewhere else in her mind. She didn't cry during the pain of labor even though she wanted to. She knew the adoptive parents were in the waiting room, along with her attorney, but she labored alone, squeezing the hand of a nurse she never bothered to get the name of, and tried to pretend she was somewhere else. On October 28, 2005, at seven-fifty-two in the morning, Carla Englen gave birth to a six pound, one ounce baby girl. She didn't hold the baby. She didn't look at the baby. Her attorney handled everything. _

_Ten days later, when she'd stopped bleeding and the pain in her breasts was gone, Carla Englen left Pennsylvania and flew back to DC. And then Carla Englen destroyed her identity, threw away her cell phone that the attorney had as a contact. _

_Emily Prentiss stopped and got some hair dye that matched her natural color and then got a hotel room. She dyed her hair and once it was rinsed and combed out, she looked at herself in the mirror. She forced the woman who had given birth to that baby to be gone in her mind. She'd get her body back in shape and the few stretch marks she had were small and near her hips, the marks you could get just by going through puberty and growing. And they'd fade quite a bit with time. She'd done what she needed to do; the baby would be safe forever. No one besides Emily knew she existed. _

_She held onto a few fake IDs in case the horror of Doyle escaping ever became a reality, but other than that she was done pretending to be someone else. __She wanted a do-over. She thought back to that young woman in a small apartment in Georgetown who wanted nothing more than to join the FBI. She wanted to get it right this time.  
_

_She reached for the phone in her hotel room and called Clyde Easter. "Find a way to get me back into the FBI."_


	8. Chapter 8

Derek went through his rotations at the gym the second Monday in September. It was seven o'clock in the evening and there were plenty of people around, many of whom he recognized. He pushed every one of his rotations; whenever he thought he couldn't do another push up, sit up, pull up, he tacked on twenty-seven more. It was September, and she'd been gone twenty-seven weeks.

He and Garcia had finally found Declan at the end of August. It had been difficult to keep the search just between him and Garcia. JJ was back and curious about what they were up to; JJ seemed to be conducting her own search for Doyle. Derek didn't let her in at first, not because he didn't trust her, but because they'd barely gotten her back and he didn't want her to put her job in jeopardy. He was just so happy she was back. She was officially a profiler now, and she did a damn good job.

But after he'd called Hotch and gotten the unofficial green light from him to set up surveillance cameras on Declan's house, he let JJ in on it. There was something a little off in her behavior when he told her they'd found Declan. If he was honest, there had been something off in her behavior since she came back to them at the beginning of July, a sadness and uncertainty that hadn't been there before. When he asked her if there was anything wrong, she'd shrugged and told him it was nothing, it was just going to take time to settle back in, and it was weird without Hotch around.

It _was_ strange without Hotch around, and his special assignment seemed to have no defined end date. Everything was a little precarious. No one had approached Derek about a job in a different department; no one had approached anyone on the team as far as he knew. It was like they'd shipped Hotch off on assignment and then promptly forgot the BAU existed. It was exactly how Derek liked it in a lot of ways, and like constantly walking on eggshells in many other ways.

He'd already been in the gym over an hour and his body was exhausted. He was doing squats and throwing the heaviest medicine ball up against the wall, tacking on his extra twenty-seven, grunting probably louder than he realized, when an young agent who worked on the BAU floor came over and stood next too him. "I think that's enough."

"I'll know when it's enough," Derek replied through clenched teeth.

"Sir," the agent addressed him, "I'm not sure you will. I've been watching you the past few weeks and you keep pushing yourself too much. I used to be a trainer."

Derek let the ball drop to the ground. He took in several heaving breaths and put his hands on his hips. "I'm fine. Don't ever interrupt me again," he said firmly before walking off to the locker room and getting in a shower.

Things had started getting better for him, but he was still moody. At the beginning of June, he started being able to sleep better at least, and then it became difficult again when his birthday rolled around.

_His first birthday after Emily started at the BAU, in 2007, he opened his front door and found a book, and a cupcake in a box. No note, but the book was the first in the "Outlander" series, a series Emily had talked to him about but he said he'd never read. He grinned, knowing it was from her. _

_When her birthday rolled around in October, he created a similar display outside her front door - a book he knew she hadn't read, and a cupcake. _

_The second birthday she was with them, he woke up to a similar package outside his front door. And their tradition began. _

_They never talked about it at work, never really acknowledged it at all except with a knowing smile when they first saw each other after they'd received or given the other a gift.  
_

_And then the end of June came in 2011, and there was no gift outside his front door. The sadness slammed him again, and he re-focused his energy on finding Declan.  
_

Derek sighed and turned off the water. He missed her every day, but he was glad that the involuntary tears had dried up in July and hadn't made a reappearance.

He got dressed and went back upstairs. There were still a few people milling around the bullpen, but he bypassed everyone and went straight to his office, closing the door behind him. Even after they'd found Declan, he couldn't stop looking at the evidence he had, trying to piece together the puzzle that was Emily Prentiss in his mind.

He sat at his desk and opened the middle drawer, pulling out and touching the picture in there. He had a few pictures of them all together, but this was the only one he had where he was standing in the middle of the pack next to Emily, one of his arms flung over her shoulder and her face not turned towards the camera, but up at him, laughing.

He put the picture aside and pulled out the file folder - the file folder he'd stolen from Hotch's office right after Hotch was sent on special assignment. It was the paperwork Hotch had been given when Emily had transferred to the BAU.

It was mostly all bullshit, one giant cover. Someone in the FBI must know the truth. Not Strauss. Strauss was in this for political gain and if she had known whatever the truth was, it would have come up at some point. Hotch probably had a clue that Emily's paperwork didn't really make sense when Emily first started, but he allowed her to prove herself and she did. Once she'd done that, he wasn't the type who would ask questions, investigate or share details with anyone. Hotch understood how the game was sometimes played - he likely looked at her paperwork and assumed undercover work.

The bookends of her career seemed pretty accurate. She'd gone through the FBI academy. Her training scores were in the top 1% ever for females at the academy, and in areas like shooting and simulations, she was in the top 5% male or female.

Next came Indiana, which made no sense. Someone with scores like hers would be kept at Quantico or put on special assignment, not sent to a field office in the mid-west. But it appeared she was there, based on information from an agent who had worked there at the same time. He'd never been able to contact her old supervisor, Tom Kohler. He had no apparent ties to the FBI aside from that assignment in Indiana. And now he was a consultant for the United Nations, often traveling in Europe, but frequently traveling to DC. Derek had tried to track him down, but he never returned Derek's calls, and he never seemed to stay anywhere when he was in DC - nothing rented or owned in his name, no credit card usage for hotels whatsoever.

Emily's last assignment before coming to the BAU was Ohio. And that also appeared to be true. From December 2005 to November 2006, Emily was in Ohio. According to the office coordinator, Helen Ramsey, who was still at that field office, Emily was a delight during that time, and a real life-saver. Helen had been pregnant at the time and Emily organized a baby shower for her, and then, after the baby was born, Emily spent about four months coming over at lunch time to hold the baby so Helen could shower or nap.

That didn't quite sound like the Emily he knew - Emily was good around babies, but she never seemed so wholly interested in them. He didn't quite know what to make of it. Helen told him that everything had seemed fine with Emily, then the end of October came. Emily came over to watch the baby so Helen could go out with her husband that Saturday night. And then the following Monday, Emily showed up at work and said she was being transferred to Quantico and it was her last week.

Sure, the bookends on her resume matched up - the academy and then Indiana, and Ohio at the end. And in the middle was a bunch of lies.

He pulled out a plastic bag out of his drawer. When they'd gone through the piles of the fake IDs, the pile that had ultimately let them find Declan, there were two ID's with Emily's face on them. One for a Helen Craig and one for a Carla Englen. Garcia had looked for credit histories and flight manifestos. There was no credit card history, but a Helen Craig showed up on several flights; however, it was a common name. Carla Englen showed up on fewer flights, being a less common name, and the only date that made sense was a flight in June of 2005 to Philadelphia, and a return flight in November of 2005. Derek couldn't be sure that was actually Emily, and didn't know what the hell she was doing if it was her. He also knew those couldn't be her only IDs because Emily had fled the BAU and gotten to Boston with neither of those names.

And it didn't matter; it had nothing to do with Declan. Declan was right in their backyard, and had been since the end of March 2005. Of all the places she could have gone with him, she'd ended up here, almost like she knew she'd eventually end up here, too.

Derek looked at the picture again and touched Emily's face. "Who were you?"

He was interrupted from his thoughts when Penelope burst into his office. "Doyle. I have him on surveillance," she said breathlessly.

* * *

JJ walked in her front door and was greeted by a happy Henry running towards her. "Mommy!"

JJ smiled and picked him up, squeezing him and kissing his cheek. Will walked into the room and also smiled. "Home for dinner on a Monday. Maybe we should go buy a lottery ticket."

JJ laughed at that. She'd been really trying with this transition back to the BAU. When they weren't away on a case, she made a commitment to leave early enough to make it home for dinner. Her and Will were doing okay.

She'd chosen the reset option - she hadn't told Will a thing about the miscarriage or what her assignment with the Pentagon really was about, even though Emily had encouraged her to do so before she left Madrid. She got home and the words stuck in her throat. Instead she ended up asking Will if he could take some vacation time, and they spent the last week in June as a family in the Bahamas. They regrouped.

And then JJ lowered the boom and told him she was returning to the BAU. He took it better than she thought he would. He still got tense when she had to leave for a case; it wasn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination. They argued more now than before when she was with the BAU, but they argued less than they did when she was with the Pentagon.

She stepped forward to kiss him. Then she gave Henry an extra squeeze and set him down. She'd been giving Henry a lot of extra hugs since she'd been home.

When she'd first woken up with Emily's arms around her that last morning in Madrid, she worried a bit that it was going to be difficult to not think about that night when she got home. That didn't happen. That night felt like a totally different universe in her mind, not okay by any stretch of the imagination, but not something she particularly regretted either. Even if Emily came home, it wasn't something either of them wanted to repeat. It was a one-time deal, two people reaching equal desperation levels at the same time. She didn't plan to reach that level again, and if Emily was able to come home, she wouldn't let herself get there either.

Emily had told her a story that last morning that almost completely obliterated that night from her mind anyway. Emily had gotten pregnant when she was with Doyle, Emily had carried that baby in secret under an assumed name in Pennsylvania, and then Emily had given that baby up for adoption. JJ didn't know where in Pennsylvania, and she didn't know the name Emily used.

The fact that Emily had a daughter out there somewhere was surreal. The fact that she'd managed to recover from the emotional upheaval that caused her completely blew JJ's mind.

Emily had told her the story as a way to show JJ that she could go home, tell the truth and live through it. But on that flight home, she let Emily's story do something else in her mind - it provided her with tangible proof that you could let something go in your mind, put it behind you, and move forward like it hadn't happened.

And that's what she'd been doing for the past three months. She wasn't quite as good at it as Emily was, she was sure. But she was managing. All she wanted was for Hotch to come back and for Emily to come home. They'd found Declan, and now it was a matter of waiting for Doyle to find him, too. A dangerous game for sure, but the only way.

She and Will cooked dinner together that night, they ate as a family. She was playing with Henry while he was in the bath when her phone rang.

JJ dried her hands and reached for it, seeing Derek on the caller ID.

"What's up, Morgan?"

"We've spotted Doyle," he said excitedly.

"I'm on my way." She wanted Doyle as badly as Derek did, she wanted Emily home. But she worried that she was going to have to hold Derek back from killing Doyle. She actually worried she might kill Doyle herself.

* * *

After her summer in Greece, Emily had made the bold step to return to London. She was wavering a bit in her resolve about letting Clyde know she was alive. She was lonely as hell. JJ was back at the BAU. They still played scrabble online, but they had to really watch their conversations.

She accepted that she could trust Clyde, but in terms of all the people she'd known in her life, he would be in the bottom percentile when it came to people who could comfort her. It wasn't that he didn't care; it was that he was more like a sarcastic, dirty joke and a punch on the shoulder when you really needed a hug. She was feeling far less fragile than she did when JJ had stayed with her, but she still desired comfort.

Emily ran through the London streets, in an area away from Interpol and away from Clyde's flat, in the late morning on that second Tuesday in September and contemplated again the idea of contacting Easter. She was staying away from the BAU not only to protect herself, but to protect them. She'd gladly take a bullet for any one of them. She felt almost callous when she thought about the fact that she didn't have that same level of protectiveness with Clyde. She should. He'd protected Declan for her. He'd never put it in a report that Declan was Doyle's. He'd gotten them out of London. He quite possibly even assumed that Tom had helped her after that, but he never brought it up. And when she'd asked him to get her back in the FBI, he'd done it.

She owed him a hell of a lot. She wanted a friend who knew her, but she wasn't quite sure she wanted that friend to be Clyde.

Emily ran and found herself avoiding looking at babies. That had started in Greece. It was like once she'd broken the seal on that particular secret, every infant she saw cut like a knife through her heart. It was strange. Her daughter would be six years old now, almost seven. And yet it was babies that caused her to avert her eyes and look away.

She shook her head and finished her run, ending up back at her hotel, and then in her room. She took a shower and was blow drying her hair when she thought she heard the phone ring. Her heart skipped a beat and she turned of the blow dryer. Who would be calling?

Her heart dropped to her knees when she opened the bathroom door and realized it wasn't the hotel phone, but her prepaid phone, the one only Tom Kohler knew about. She ran to it and answered.

"Hello?" she asked.

"Oh, thank God. Where are you?" Tom asked.

"London. What's wrong?"

"Declan called me. He left a message saying someone was in the house and he was scared. And then the message cut off. I was in a meeting, but received the message about thirty minutes after he left it. I can't get a hold of Louise."

"Damn it! Where are you?"

"Osaka. I'm trying to get a flight out right now."

"I'll beat you there by hours. Meet me at FBI headquarters."

Emily disconnected the phone and dialed Easter's number, the need for comfort over. Fuck comfort. She needed a plane.

She skipped the greetings. She threw her things in a suitcase as the phone rang. Clyde answered the phone and she rushed out, "It's Declan. I need the Interpol jet ready to go in thirty minutes."

Clyde chuckled. "The prodigal daughter returns."

"Clyde!"

"The jet will be ready, Emily," he said in a tone that was apologetic for him.

Emily threw on clothes and closed her suitcase. She gathered her smaller belongings and dumped them in her carry-on bag with her laptop. It wasn't the type of clean-up job she'd do when leaving a place while on the run. She'd scrubbed both the studio in Madrid and the room she'd rented in Greece down like crazy before she left. But it didn't matter now. If Declan was missing, it had to be Doyle.

In the cab on the way to the airport, the images were like an old-school slide projector in her mind, like everything from her past was coming back in one flashing images after the other. Tom was there, Declan was there, Doyle was there, her Interpol team, Easter, and the BAU. And interjected every few pictures was an additional one of Derek.

She called Hotch's cell phone.

"Do you know what the hell is going on?" she asked when he answered.

"Doyle's in custody. Declan's missing. Louise is dead. I'm landing at Turner in about seven hours."

More knives to her heart. She didn't know why Hotch wasn't with the team, but it didn't matter in the moment.

"I'm in London. I'll be in the air in twenty minutes and right behind you."

"Emily, you don't have to come in. Doyle's in custody and we'll find Declan."

She laughed out loud. "The fuck if I'm not facing that asshole."

Hotch was silent before he said, "The tone of your voice just scared me."

Emily managed a small smile at that. It was so damn good to hear his voice, even in the middle of this mess. "I'll see you soon," she said before hanging up the phone.

It was time to face her music.


	9. Chapter 9

It wasn't shock. Derek had felt shock before, and this wasn't it. He'd felt what he was currently feeling once before, when his father was shot. It wasn't shock, it was a dream-like state, a state filled with anger and sadness and disbelief. Except this time, there was hope, too. And an all-encompassing fear he couldn't quite internalize or process.

Because Emily Prentiss was standing right in front of him in the briefing room. She was wrapping her arms around him and he felt his arms raise to give her a disbelieving, half-hearted hug because his mind couldn't process fast enough.

The dream sequence lasted a long time. Days. It lasted while he watched her question Doyle. It lasted when she got out of the helicopter with Doyle so they could exchange him for Declan. It lasted when he watched her with her arms around Declan while Doyle died.

All thoughts of beating Doyle to a pulp, of torturing him, of impaling him with a piece of wood and watching him die left his mind. Because he was living in a dream that felt part like the dream of his life, and part like a nightmare. And he didn't know if he wanted to wake up because then he was going to have to face a reality that might be worse than thinking she was dead. All of her lies.

He'd spent months writing the story in his mind how he wanted it to go, because he'd never have the answers. And now she was there and he could have them, but he didn't know if he really wanted them.

The dream-like state continued when he followed Emily and Declan into the helicopter in Baltimore even though Hotch was calling him back, back to drive one of the SUV's. He ignored Hotch. He sat across from them in the helicopter, Emily's arm over Declan's shoulder, kissing the top of his head.

He watched as Declan, with tears in his eyes, asked her, "Louise?"

And Emily shook her head, tears falling down her own face. She hugged him tighter.

"Tom?" gasped Declan through is tears.

Emily kissed Declan's head again. "He's on his way."

JJ stepped into the helicopter and sat next to Derek. And his mind felt like it was going numb as he watched JJ reach a hand forward and grab Emily's free hand. A part of him felt like he should be doing that, but he couldn't make himself touch Emily, afraid that she'd disappear right before his eyes if he did, afraid of the awful, hurt words that might spill from his lips if she didn't disappear.

There was a man waiting in the bullpen of the BAU when they got back. He was several inches taller than Derek. He was distinguished and looked to be in his early fifties. Declan ran towards him. And then Derek watched Emily step forward, too. He watched Emily sink into the man's embrace, one arm around him and one arm around Declan. He watched the man squeeze Emily and murmur, "It's over, Em."

Tom Kohler, Derek learned. The man whose name he'd had for months and months. The man who never returned his calls. Emily's supervisor in Indiana when she first graduated from the FBI academy.

Derek stood next to Tom while Emily and Hotch sat on the other side of the glass, taking Declan's statement. Derek snapped out of his dreamlike state to take in Declan, the boy who seemed resilient far beyond his years, far beyond human capability. He could only imagine how Emily, and then Tom and Louise, had gotten him to this point, this surreal level of maturity and resolve.

He felt Tom's eyes on him and turned his head. Tom reached out his hand towards him. "I've heard a lot about you Agent Morgan. Thank you for what you did for Emily."

Derek stared curiously at Tom and didn't reach for his hand. "What do you mean?"

"She loved working here. She was genuinely happy. And she talked about you frequently."

Derek cleared his throat. "How often did you see her?"

"About once a month. She'd come by for dinner and to visit with Declan."

"And that's why you didn't return my phone calls?"

Tom shook his head. "I left Interpol because I was done with lying. I couldn't call you back. Every answer I would have given you would have been a lie, and I just don't have that in me anymore."

Derek looked away from Tom, back through the glass and at the back of Emily's head. _Does she? _he thought.

When Declan's statement was finished, they exited the interview room. Declan wrapped his arms around Emily.

"You can visit me more now," Declan said.

Emily smiled and hugged him. "I can and I will."

And then a boy who was too old and probably never would do such a thing in front of friends or anyone else turned and took Tom Kohler's hand. Tom smiled at that and then smiled at Emily. "The house needs to be cleaned. We're going to grab a hotel room tonight in DC. Do you want me to get you one, too?"

Derek became very interested in her answer. There was obviously a deep history between Emily and Tom.

She touched Declan's face and smiled at Tom. "No. But thank you. I'm actually going to go see my mother, and hopefully not give her a heart attack. I might stay there, or I might get my own hotel room."

Tom nodded. He bent forward and kissed her cheek.

"I'll be in touch," she said softly. "I'll help with the arrangements for Louise."

Both Tom and Declan nodded sadly at that.

And Derek watched Tom and Declan walk out of the room. He watched Emily brush tears off her cheeks.

Finally Derek reached out and risked it. He put his arm around her shoulder. He pulled her closer to him. He kissed her forehead. He whispered the words in her ear, "You're here."

He felt her shuddering breath, felt her body shaking, heard her whisper the words, "I am."

The next morning he woke up and still felt like it was a dream. And that state lasted throughout the Senate oversight investigation. He barely spoke to Emily and found himself nearly unable to look at her. She was wearing clothes she didn't normally wear, loose blouses and skirts. It didn't quite seem like her. And he felt her gaze on him often, but he couldn't bring himself to turn his head and catch her eye.

It was only when the investigation was over and she said she'd come back to the BAU that the dream-like state lifted and anger slammed him in the gut. He remembered glancing at JJ, unable to find anger towards her. He knew she hadn't made this decision; she was just another pawn in a political game.

His anger towards Hotch, however, felt genuine and justified. While the rest of the team decided to go out to lunch, his glare landed on Hotch. Hotch declined lunch and Derek followed him back to his office.

And then he exploded, before the door to Hotch's office even closed, not caring who heard.

"You asshole," he said through clenched teeth. "I sat here, right here and told you how I felt about her death. I told you how awful it was. I expressed myself to you more than I've ever expressed emotions to anyone and you sat there and looked me in the eye and lied to me!"

"I know," Hotch said softly. "I know and I'm sorry, but it was for Emily's safety. And ours."

"I dedicated seven months of my life to Doyle and she was alive the whole time."

"If you'd known she was alive and had to hide until Doyle was caught or dead would your dedication to finding Doyle have been any different?"

Derek paused at that question. "No. But I wouldn't have been so heartbroken."

That word slipped from his mouth before he thought about it and he glanced away from Hotch's stare.

Derek took several deep breaths. "Why JJ? Why couldn't you have told me? I was her partner. I could have covered for her. I would have."

"Because JJ wasn't here day in and day out. She didn't have to face the lies hours on end each week, especially at the beginning. You couldn't have done it. You would have wanted to, but you couldn't have handled Reid or Penelope falling apart all the time when you knew the truth. Come on, Morgan. You know that. It would have wrecked you more than this did."

Derek stared at him and finally nodded, conceding that point. He calmed himself and moved to walk out of the office.

"Morgan?" Hotch asked. "You've referred to Emily as 'her' and 'she.' This is real and she's back. When are you going to start saying her name?"

He glared at Hotch and walked out the door. He started calling her Emily after that, though.

When he saw her on the jet for that first case, it was almost like she'd never been gone. But she was back like she had been at the very beginning with the BAU, trying a little too hard, not quite sure where she fit in.

She asked him on that case if he was pissed off at her like Reid was, and he'd denied he was. It was the first, real direct question she'd thrown his way, and his instinct of protecting her, of not hurting her feelings kicked in before genuine thought did.

He told her he was just happy she was there, but he knew deep down that wasn't quite true.

There was anger there, not because she had left, but because of how she left. The distrust, not telling him what was going on, and that night she showed up at his office, the night that still swirled in his dreams pretty frequently.

She pulled in right behind him at Rossi's house, the night of the cooking lesson, in a new car. He got out of his car and she got out of hers. There was a part of of him that just wanted to turn and walk towards Rossi's house, but he stopped himself and waited for her.

"Nice wheels," he said.

She grinned. "I just bought it today. And I got a condo in DC. I've got a suitcase full of clothes and a couple of boxes of books from my mom's house and pretty much nothing else. I'm sleeping on an air mattress. I need to take care of that tomorrow."

He smiled at her. He couldn't help it. She was right there. When she was in front of him, it was easy to forget anything except the feeling of being in her presence again. "Were you in Paris the whole time?" He didn't know where the question came from. It was a start, something he wondered and a question without a lot of baggage.

She shook her head. "I was barely in Paris, only a few days. I was in Madrid, and then Greece and London for about a week."

He stared at her and she blinked those eyes at him, neither of them saying anything. Finally she whispered, "Anything you want to know, anything about my past, or Doyle or Declan or me, you just ask and I'll give you honest answers."

He wasn't sure he wanted those answers. He smiled at her for the offer. "I'll let you know."

She nodded at that, looking uncertain and sad. He put his hand on her arm. "It's okay, Emily."

He wasn't quite sure what he meant when he said that. He said it to make her feel better, but when as he walked with her towards Rossi's front door, he felt it, the anger, churning inside him.

* * *

She nearly did give her mother a heart attack. And then something so shocking happened that Emily couldn't quite believe it. Her mother cried. Her mother put her arms around Emily. And Emily cried, too. She'd never seen Elizabeth Prentiss cry, and the last time she remembered crying in front of her mom, she was a very little girl.

Emily told her what she could, the truth with many missing pieces about certain realities. But she told her about Interpol, she told her about Declan, she told her where she'd been the past several months.

That night, feeling so confused and insecure and like she had no footing in the world at all, she didn't go to a hotel. She stayed at her mother's house in the guest room. And when she woke up in the middle of the night crying about a dream - this time not a dream about Derek, but a dream about that moment she'd blocked out so long ago, about those brief seconds when she felt the baby slip out of her before she heard a cry - she heard the guest room door open. Her mother did the previously unthinkable, something Emily never thought she was capable of; she got in bed next to Emily and reached for her hand. Elizabeth Prentiss asked no questions, but she stayed there the rest of the night and held on.

Her mom had hired people to empty her condo back in March. There were a few boxes her mom kept, books mostly, and a few pieces of artwork, simple things that reminded her of her daughter. The next morning, she took Emily to the bank. Garcia had already made sure that Emily was no longer dead in terms of significant computer systems. Her mom sat next to Emily while Emily pulled out her real driver's license and social security card for the first time in seven months. Her mom transferred all of Emily's money back into new accounts Emily opened.

When the trial was over, when Emily had stood there with shaking legs and a thrumming heart and said she'd come back to the BAU, it was time to start putting the real pieces of her life back together.

Garcia was ecstatic and happy; she didn't have a bone in her body that held grudges when it came to the people she cared about. Hotch was fine. He implored her to talk and she declined. Rossi acted like she'd never been gone, like he knew she wasn't really dead the whole time. Reid was a mess, pissed off and hurt.

Her friendship with JJ went right back to normal, better than normal. They knew each other much better now. And it was like that one night in Madrid never happened, much to Emily's relief - if she felt she was coming between JJ and her family, Emily would be gone in an instant.

Then there was Derek. He seemed equal parts sad, happy and angry. She wasn't quite sure what she was going to get when she saw him at the beginning. She'd told him she'd answer any question he had, but so far he hadn't asked her a thing. Instead, he put her into a re-certification rotation, something she gladly agreed to. Whatever he wanted.

The first Saturday in October, she was out shopping with Garcia and JJ, starting from scratch. She had a condo now, but absolutely nothing else except a couple of boxes from her mother and a suitcase of clothing.

Garcia was off in a different part of the home goods store. Both JJ and Emily had carts full of necessary household items.

"How are things with Spencer?" asked Emily.

JJ smiled. "Much better. He came over last night to hang out and play with Henry. How are things with Morgan?" JJ asked.

Emily shrugged. "We're going to the shooting range tomorrow. I don't know. I'm letting him take the lead with this one. He seems very torn."

"You'll figure it out with time," JJ said.

"Probably. I'm not sure what that looks like, though. I've never been impatient, but I want everything back to how it was and resolution immediately and it's driving me crazy that I can't have that."

"I know, Em. But you were worried he'd hate you, and he obviously doesn't. It's a place to start."

Emily nodded. "You didn't tell Will, did you?" she asked quietly.

JJ hesitated before shaking her head. "I chose the reset option. It's working out, though."

She turned to look at JJ. "That's fine, until it's not working anymore."

"What makes you think it won't work? You've been doing fine for years for the most part with your secrets."

Emily laughed quietly and shook her head, "I was. And then shit hit the fan. And I also talked to you about…" she paused, struggling over the words. "about the baby, and now I dream about that all of the time."

JJ put her hand on Emily's shoulder. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Jayje. Really. I needed to process it at some point. But that's what I mean about shit hitting the fan. You can't control when or how that happens. Everything's only okay as long as that doesn't happen."

JJ was about to speak when Garcia came up with a cart full of fun, loud items that screamed Penelope Garcia.

"Shopping for yourself?" asked Emily with a smile on her face.

"No. We need to brighten up your home, Em."

Emily looked more closely in the cart and laughed. "Um. I am not having a shower curtain with unicorns on it."

"You were dead for months," Garcia said with a grin. "Time to live a little."

"Except that doesn't look like living. That looks like I'll wake up every morning wondering whose fucking condo I'm in because I wouldn't have a...glittery blue bath mat."

Garcia pouted and Emily and JJ both laughed.

"I'll tell you what, Pen. We'll go back to the bathroom section and pick out something I'd like, and then I'll get those things for you for helping me today."

* * *

"Well, you haven't lost your touch with a gun," said Derek with a smirk on his face.

"Apparently it's like riding a bicycle," Emily replied.

He'd been okay today. Smiling more. She tread very lightly around him, though. And she waited, waited for the questions to come that she promised him she would answer.

Emily took off her ear muffs and protective glasses. "Want to grab lunch?"

"I was going to go to the gym and work out."

"I could come with you."

He hesitated for a second. It was a hesitation that wouldn't have been there before and it made Emily's heart skip a beat. But finally he smiled. "Okay."

She kept up with him as best she could, but he'd obviously been seriously working out over the past several months when all she'd been doing was running. The gym was almost empty on a Sunday and when he asked if she wanted to try some take-down drills, she nodded and agreed. Anything he wanted.

She held her own for a bit, with the simpler drills. But there was no competing with his sheer strength in the end. He had her on the mat, arms pinned and body straddling hers. She laughed. "You win."

There was no laughter in his face when she looked at him, though. His eyes were serious. He was on top of her and his face was right there above hers, sweaty and breathing heavily. Being in this position made Emily feel vulnerable, her arms pinned made her her feel uncomfortable, but it was Derek. She took a deep breath and stared at him.

"Tom Kohler," her finally whispered.

_Question number one,_ she thought. She took a deep breath and relaxed her body and mind. This was Derek and she loved him, even if he didn't love her. "Tom was the head of the field office in Indiana where I was assigned after the academy. But he wasn't really an FBI agent. He worked for Interpol and was placed there by Clyde Easter to feel me out. I don't know who in the FBI was the backer of that plan. Tom and I had a very inappropriate personal relationship for about six months before he told me about Interpol. That ended the relationship, but a few years after that, we became friends again. He was the only person I had to call after Doyle, when I needed to get Declan somewhere safe."

Derek stared at her for several seconds before finally nodding and releasing her hands. She pushed him off her and stood, her heart beating quickly. It was one thing to tell JJ her secrets when she was pretending to be dead and didn't think she'd actually come back; it was another thing to be here in the present, as Emily, and be sharing her secrets with anyone.

She'd told Derek she would tell him anything, and she intended to stick to that, but it still sent her heart racing into a state of vulnerability she didn't do well with. She gave Derek a small smile to reassure him that he could ask her questions, and then quickly turned, scurrying to the locker room.

He followed her. The women's locker room was empty and he followed her right in, putting a hand on her waist and turning her around to face him. "I couldn't sleep when you were gone, not very well. One night I tried going out to a dance club, to find a woman, anyone, who could distract me so I could get some rest. In the end I couldn't follow through with it. I asked her to leave. I laid on my couch and fell asleep with memories of you laughing instead."

She blinked back tears. Was this how it was going to be? A secret for a secret? She wasn't sure she wanted his secrets, wanted to hear the truth about the devastation she caused for him. And she was scared about only one question she knew would be coming at some point - whether she was planning to go after Doyle before or after that night she'd shown up in Derek's office.

Emily shook those thoughts from her head. Derek had just told her something important, and she needed to focus on a heartfelt, honest response. She reached out to touch his arm. "I laughed more with you during those years in the BAU than I've ever laughed in my life."

He surprised her then. Stunned her to the point that speech was impossible. He stepped towards her and wrapped his arm around her waist, the other hand resting against her cheek. His lips on hers were not insistent. They were soft and almost chaste. But they were there. Her face felt flushed immediately and her knees were weak even though he didn't deepen the kiss at all.

He kissed her for ten seconds at most, and they felt like an entire chapter of her life wrapped up in a single sentence. He didn't hate her. He was confused and she was lost, but he didn't hate her. She had no delusion that this meant everything was going to be okay, none at all. But when he released her and smiled before walking out of the locker room, she knew for the first time that at least maybe it wouldn't be impossible, her and Derek.


	10. Chapter 10

Emily was hopeful that her and her mother could start having a better relationship, but it was almost like her mom didn't know what to do with the fact that she'd actually shown emotion or been compassionate. She called Emily, and in her usual stiff way, said she was going to Italy for awhile. It was like that night Emily stayed at her mom's house never happened.

Emily was naive to think that things would steadily improve with Derek. She was slammed with reality the day after the gym, when she went to work, coffee for Derek in hand, and brought it to his office. She walked in with a smile on her face, and he looked up from his desk like he barely knew her.

Her hands were shaking by the time she set the coffee on his desk and got out of there. Maybe this was how it was going to be, two steps forward and one step back, or two steps forward and a giant leap back, if she was being realistic.

She went to the bathroom and looked at herself in the mirror, trying to calm her nerves, trying to get her worry and sadness under control. JJ walked in and saw her standing there.

"What happened?" she asked softly. "You look like you've seen a ghost."

"Not quite. Derek just looked at me like he was seeing a ghost. Yesterday at the shooting range and the gym was fine; it was good. It was a starting point. And now when I just saw him, he was right back to how he was during the trial."

JJ stepped forward and wrapped Emily a hug. "Do you want me to talk to him?" she asked.

"No. It's going to take time. I want this to play out how he needs it to. At least for now. If you talk to him, he's going to feel like his behavior is under scrutiny, and I don't want that."

The door to the bathroom opened and Garcia stepped in, speaking before she really saw them, "Enough making out in the bathroom; we have a case."

It was said with a smile, delivered as a joke. But JJ and Emily released each other and both went to the same place in their minds, blushing slightly, blushing enough that Garcia looked at them both curiously. JJ stepped into a bathroom stall and Emily smiled at Penelope.

"You okay, Em?" asked Penelope.

Emily smiled. "I'm good. I just...I'm still getting my footing again around here." She squeezed Penelope's hand as she walked out.

_Jesus,_ she thought as she walked to the briefing room. Her head felt like it was going to explode.

Derek's surly mood was still there in the briefing room, and still there on the plane. It was there throughout the case and the remainder of the week. By the time Friday rolled around, Emily had taken a container of Tums off Reid's desk and was popping them like candy. Every time she tried to speak to Derek, he shut her out.

But then, on Friday evening, as she watched him leave his office and walk down to the bullpen, he came right up to her desk and stood next to it. "Shooting range on Sunday?" he asked her.

She stammered. Those were the most words he'd spoken to her not related to a case all week. "I...yes...yes. I was planning on it."

That time at the shooting range was far more tense, and she was surprised when he asked her if she was coming to the gym with him after. She nodded. When they practiced take-down drills that day, there was absolutely no playfulness to it. Derek was serious, physically letting his anger out, not as intensely as he could, but not gentle either. She didn't just let him; she gave as good as she got. Both of them would have a few bruises the next day.

When he finally got her down on the mat, both of them breathing heavily, she didn't laugh when he pinned her. She pulled on her wrists and clenched her teeth, "Let go of me."

He didn't and the look in his eyes was pure anger. She stared defiantly at him.

"How many fake IDs did you have?" he asked.

Emily took a deep breath and stopped tugging at her wrists. This was Derek. He was angry, he deserved to be angry, but he'd never hurt her. "In Europe? Three."

He shook his head. "No. Not there. We found Declan because of the copies of a few IDs in that forger's apartment. The one Doyle killed. There were a couple of yours in there, too. A Helen Ramsey and a Carla Englen. How many more did you have?"

Emily's heart didn't just skip a beat at the mention of Carla Englen; her heart rolled and knocked around in her chest so hard, she felt like it might bust right through and actually fall out of her body. She swore she'd never lie to him again, but she wanted to. She wanted to say she'd never seen or used the Carla Englen ID.

She swallowed past her fear. "Those two that I had made when I brought Declan here. And two others I had from Interpol."

He nodded and finally released her hands. He didn't get off her body, though he did raise himself slightly, enough so she could get out if she wanted to. She stayed put.

"How many times did you go undercover like you did with Doyle, where you had to fake a personal relationship with someone?"

"The situation with Doyle was unique, it went on for months. It was the first time I did anything like that."

He stared at her.

"That's not what you're really wondering. You're wondering how many times I screwed someone as part of the job," she said flatly.

He gritted his teeth and nodded.

"Three times, including Doyle."

"When was the first time?"

"About this time of the year, in 1995."

Derek shook his head. "You were twenty-five years old? Clyde Easter is a fucking bastard."

"He can be, but I knew what I was doing."

"That's bullshit, Emily. JJ wasn't that much older than that when she started working for the BAU. And neither was Ashley Seaver. You know what I think? JJ would never have done that. She would have told Clyde Easter to piss off. Ashley would have, though. She would have because she was already damaged and fighting her own demons and would have done whatever was asked of her to prove she was tough enough."

Anger flared in Emily. "That's what you think? That I'm damaged?" She moved to get up and Derek stood with her, grabbing her from behind and wrapping his arms around her.

"I don't think you're damaged. I think you have a lot of things you need to work on. You're one of the strongest people I know, but strength doesn't just come from blocking everything out and pretending it didn't happen; it comes from opening up."

Emily huffed out a laugh at that. She'd essentially told JJ the same thing back in Madrid. Except now Emily was actually having to live it, and she didn't feel strong. She felt weak and vulnerable, and she hated it. And Derek was being a hypocrite.

She spun to face him. "Because you're so good at that? Opening up? I had only been here for a few weeks, so I stayed out of it, but when we came back from that case in Chicago, when you had been arrested? It didn't take a genius to figure out what was going on. I watched Hotch and Gideon try to talk to you for weeks, and you completely shut down. There's not a whole lot of differences between you and me."

She watched him clench his jaw again, and then he surprised her by reaching forward and lifting her shirt until he could see the scar on her abdomen.

"How close did you come to actually dying?"

Emily watched his face as he stared at the scar, watched him blink rapidly. She couldn't figure out where he was going with this.

She reached her hand out to touch his arm. "I coded once in the ambulance, and twice on the operating table. It was close."

He reached his finger out and traced the scar. "You told me to let you go. Did you want to die?"

_Oh. That's where he was going. But she promised herself and him that she wouldn't lie. _

"Yes," she whispered, knowing what his response was going to be as soon as the word slipped past her lips.

"That's the difference, Em. No matter how shitty it got, I never wanted to die."

She stood there in shock and watched Derek release her shirt and walk away. He was in the locker room and out with his bag over his shoulder before she could move her feet.

They got called out on a case that night and flew to South Dakota. Hotch must have sensed the tension in the air because he paired Emily with JJ for most of that case and Emily was thankful for that because she didn't have to pretend with JJ. On Monday night, when they were given a six hour reprieve for some sleep, JJ sat next to Emily in the hotel room with her arm around her shoulder while Emily sat there, too raw to cry.

And then, Emily wasn't quite sure what happened, what shifted, or what it meant. They flew home on Tuesday evening and she drove home and fell into bed, emotionally exhausted. The next morning, on her birthday, when she opened her door to leave for work, there was a book and a cupcake in a box.

They never communicated with cards or notes when they gave each other these birthday gifts, but that time, Derek did. "I'm sorry," was written on the top of the cupcake box. Emily squatted and stared for several seconds before reaching for the box and the book and bringing them both inside. She went to her closet and grabbed a book that was sitting there.

She walked into his office that morning and he smiled at her for the first time in a week and a half.

"I was in Madrid until the second week in June. I bought this before I left, for your birthday, even though I couldn't deliver it to you." She set the book on his desk.

"What, no cupcake?" He said it with a smile, innocent and friendly sarcasm in his voice.

She huffed out a breath and laughed, and he laughed lightly, too.

"Are you glad you didn't?" he asked.

"Didn't what?"

"Die."

She paused and chose her words carefully. "I'm glad I'm alive, but I'm sorry I hurt all of you. I'm sorry I hurt you, Derek."

He nodded and stood, giving her a brief hug. "Happy Birthday, Emily."

_This is going to be exhausting, _she thought. But she found her resolve. She promised herself she would ride these waves for as long as she possibly could, hoping she could hang in there for as long as it took for them to get someplace normal and right with each other.

* * *

At first, he didn't know how he would feel every morning when he woke up. Sometimes elated and sometimes angry, sometimes numb and sometimes sad. It seem largely tied to whatever dream he'd had the night before. Kissing her in the locker room had been a huge mistake, a surge of emotion that rose to the surface; he wanted to scream at her, he wanted to grab her shoulders and shake her, and he couldn't imagine doing either. So, without thought, he wrapped his arm around her waist and pressed his lips against hers.

Which left him confused and angry, at her and himself, and feeling completely out of control. From a chaste ten second kiss. So he shut down and spent the next ten days being an asshole. He snapped out of that mood when he stopped by the grocery store on his way home from their case in South Dakota. His shopping cart went on autopilot to the bakery section, seemingly on its own. He found himself staring at the cupcakes in the display case in and knew the next day was her birthday.

He stood there for over ten minutes as he felt the anger fizzle in him, and he was left with a deep desire to just have his friend back.

He stopped asking her questions after her birthday. She was more open and honest about her feelings. But he didn't ask questions about her past, and she didn't offer anything up, seeming relieved that the onslaught of difficult conversations had stopped. She was alive and was sorry she'd hurt him. He told himself that was enough, but he knew he was playing roulette with his real emotions in a lot of ways. He'd had three difficult questions he really wanted answers to:

_Who was Tom Kohler? _

_Did she want to die?_

_Did she know she was leaving that night she showed up at his office?_

He'd only gotten answers to the first two, but he decided to let the other one go. He didn't want more time where he felt like he couldn't look at her because of her answers. And, if he was totally honest, he thought he knew the answer, and he didn't want it confirmed.

She was right - he was just as good at shutting down as she was.

So they pretended. They were better friends. They spent more time together. But it was still pretending, this acting like Emily had never been gone. They both pulled it off so well that with time, it seemed like what they were living was the truth. They pretended through the winter, and straight into March, when three things happened that month and the beginning of April that significantly shifted things.

The first didn't seem significant at all at first, and wouldn't for a long time. The opportunity for a special assignment came up, to work the Olympics in London the coming July. And Derek signed up without much thought, looking forward to a couple of weeks of something different.

The second was that Emily got shot because of a judgement call he made.

The third was that he bonded with a damaged, abused teenage boy that was found wandering in the desert.

* * *

"You guys need to stop looking at me like that. I'm absolutely fine." Emily faced JJ and Morgan in the bullpen, and both of them were looking at her like she had nearly slipped through their fingers, when it was nearly the anniversary of her supposed death the year before.

She'd joked with Morgan about the gunshot wound on the plane, she said it was nothing, but the truth was her shoulder throbbed like a mother fucker and she just wanted to go home and pop another Percocet. In all her years in the field, in all the dangerous situations she'd been in, she'd never been shot. It was something she very much hoped she never experienced again, and this had been a relatively minor shooting injury.

She looked at JJ first. JJ, whose friendship she relied on, whose bond had remained the same despite what had gone on in Madrid. Emily had at first endured, and then enjoyed Christmas at JJ's house a few months back. She was nervous at first, being around Will, but she saw JJ genuinely happy, and let the guilt go. Whatever they'd done, it hadn't seemed to damage JJ's relationship with Will. She still was worried that JJ's secrets would one day come back and haunt her, but as time passed and JJ seemed really okay, the less Emily thought about it.

She smiled at her friend who kept giving her concerned looks and glancing at her arm in the sling. "JJ, Henry's sick. Go home. I'll call you tomorrow. I'm really fine."

JJ finally nodded and patted Emily's good shoulder before walking towards the elevators. Morgan was still staring at her though. She smiled at him. Whatever they were doing, or however they were doing it, they were better friends than they had been before in a lot of ways. But it was a friendship filled with insecurities for Emily. He was pretending like she'd never been gone, and he never once brought up that night in his office. And she was letting him pretend, enjoying his company.

"I'm really okay, Derek."

"You shouldn't drive. You've only got one working arm and you're on pain medication. Let me drive you home."

The wound wasn't significant enough that she'd be off work for long, but Hotch had ordered her to take the rest of the week. "I'll need my car at some point."

Derek nodded. "I'll drive your car and take the Metro home and into work tomorrow morning."

Emily sighed and rolled her eyes, pretending she was exasperated, and then grinned at him. This was their new thing, sarcastic ribbing and letting each other in a little more. The old Emily would have told Derek to piss off and have a good night and gotten in her car to drive herself home.

This Emily let Derek drive her home, let him walk her to the door, let him order take-out, let him sit on the couch while she went into her bedroom to put on some pajamas, knowing as soon as she ate, she would take another pill and pass out. She only realized when it was too late how much the nurse in the hospital actually helped her get dressed earlier that morning.

She had her sling off and was trying to take off her sweater, pushing the limits of how much she could actually lift her injured shoulder, when she cried out in pain. Derek was in the room in an instant.

He smiled at her like it was no big deal at all, eyes only on her face. "Want some help?"

"No," she said firmly.

He stared at her.

"Yes," she conceded.

He laughed lightly and stepped towards her. He kept his eyes on her face and she felt him move her injured arm. "Just keep it like this, like it's in a sling even though it's not."

She nodded and avoided his gaze. She felt the him gently pull the sweater off her right arm and over her head, then down and off her injured arm. She could have done that herself, probably. Once she got over the initial pain, she would have figured it out. But this was nice. His hands on her skin were nice.

She stopped the thought process, knowing she was walking into dangerous territory in her mind. Just friends. They were great as friends, and they'd worked to get back to this point. Anything more than friends would open up the questions again, she was sure, and she just didn't want to go there.

She startled when she felt his arms go around her to unhook her bra. "Just leave it," she whispered.

"You want to sleep with a bra on? And tomorrow when you want to shower? It's going to be a bitch to get off."

She smiled at him. "I can do it one handed. Just leave it."

Somewhere in her sentences, she lost him. His eyes dropped and they caught the edge of the branding, just peeking out of this particular bra. She saw his eyes swimming with anger and sadness as he moved the material slightly and took in the scar of the clover on her chest. She watched his finger lightly trace that mark and inhaled deeply.

Finally, when she couldn't take it anymore, being exposed like that, having his eyes on her chest, watching him hold himself back from falling apart at the sight of that scar, she reached her right hand up and touched his cheek. She cleared her throat and smiled when his eyes found hers again. "Eyes up here, Buddy."

And like they were so good at now, he immediately snapped out of it. He huffed out a laugh and let it go, reaching for the pajama shirt on her bed, and helping her get it on.

"Can you manage the pants?" he asked.

"I think so. I managed to get these on on my own this morning. The nurse only helped with the top."

He kissed her forehead. "OK. Then I'll go pick up the food. Back in twenty minutes."

Emily used that time to calm her racing heart. By the time Derek got back, she was sitting on the couch, sling back on, TV on, safely back in the friend zone in her mind.

But that evening, after they ate and she took her pill, she must have dozed off against him. She didn't know how it happened exactly, only that she woke up in the middle of the night laying on her right side on the couch and felt Derek's chest against her back.

He could have helped her to her bed and left. He could have thrown a blanket over her on the couch and left. But he stayed. He stayed with is arm carefully over her waist, below her slinged arm, and his body pressed closely against her. It was a deep couch and she was plenty comfortable.

She should have moved when she woke up and left him to sleep the rest of the night on the couch, she started to. But then his arm squeezed just a little more firmly around her when she moved. She thought it was instinct, until he whispered, "Stay."

Heart hammering, she worried about the ramifications of something like this, something this simple and friendly, but not. It was more intimate in a lot of ways than she'd ever been with anyone, because it was him, and when she searched deeply within herself, she realized how completely comfortable she was being with him like this.

She closed her eyes and decided to save the internal dialogue for the morning. She stayed.

* * *

Three weeks later, it was JJ and Emily looking at Derek with concerned eyes. Something about the case in Arizona with the boy they found in the desert resonated with him, and they both knew what that was, and where his mind was at.

JJ didn't have anywhere close to the same type of friendship with Derek that Emily had, but she still cared deeply. Emily caught her eye when they were back at the BAU. JJ knew that Emily and Derek were flirting with a little more than friendship these days, doing a tentative two-step around each other trying to find a way in without bringing up the past. This mostly involved movie nights at one of their homes, where one of them would pretend to fall asleep so they could sleep wrapped in each other's arms and act like it wasn't deliberate.

"I got it," Emily said softly to JJ.

She went up to his office and she watched him adjusting the Challenge Coins on the display on his desk, grabbing a different one and putting it in his pocket, sliding the remaining ones over so they were evenly spaced.

His back was to her, and he didn't turn around when he spoke. "I'm okay, Emily."

"Are you?"

He turned, and his words were the last she was expecting. "It's the last Saturday of the month tomorrow. Are you seeing Declan?"

She blinked at him. "Yes. I don't know what we're doing, but I'm picking him up from school in the morning."

He smiled. "It's supposed to be a beautiful day. Maybe you could do something outside. Maybe I could come with you?"

Emily smiled at him. "Of course you can."

The next day was gorgeous, the first hints of spring in the air. They all laughed a lot. She and Declan tried to take on Morgan at basketball and they ate at an outside table at a restaurant for lunch. Declan and Derek got along well. But she couldn't quite figure out his angle or why he wanted to be there, or why it seemingly sent Derek completely out of his funk and into a very happy frame of mind.

What she did know was that afternoon, when they went to the movies, Derek reached out in the dark and held her hand.

That evening, after they dropped Declan back off at school, Derek asked if she wanted to grab take out for dinner, and she agreed. She was a little uncertain, feeling like there was a conversation coming and she wasn't quite sure what the topic would be. Maybe he just wanted to talk.

And talk he did, on his couch as they ate through some Chinese food. He talked about his dad, and skirted the edges of Carl Buford. He talked about how difficult it was for him to see kids who had been abused, like he felt like he was reliving a nightmare whenever there was a case like that.

She listened, patting his leg while he spoke, feeling sad for him. But when they were done eating, he turned to face her and took both of her hands in his. "I should have taken Ellie Spicer. I wanted to, but I knew I couldn't do it on my own. I think about her a lot, though. I think about the kids we leave behind a lot, and I want that. I liked watching you with Declan today. I want to give a child a good life, but I don't want to do it alone."

Forget a racing heart. What Emily felt in that moment was blind panic, a panic so great she couldn't see clearly. If he was saying what she knew he was saying, there was no way in hell she could do it. Not because she didn't care about him, but because in order to have any sort of honest relationship with Derek, she would have to tell him her past. Her real past, the pregnancy and the baby she gave up.

And she didn't think she could be a parent because of that, because no matter how good she was at blocking things out, any child she had would remind her of that time in her life. Declan was different; Declan was there and in her heart before she got pregnant. But that's where she felt like her ability to be any sort of emotionally healthy, maternal person completely ended. There had been that one case with the older teenage girl, Carrie, and she could have handled that, but not this. Not a young child, not a family.

It wasn't his fault. He couldn't have known how deeply cutting his words would be. They were both in their forties now, and time was running out. He was seeing where she was at, being honest about the idea that if they started down a road to a relationship, kids was where he wanted to end up. She felt herself on the brink of a shut-down so deep she wondered if she'd be able to climb out of it.

She realized in that moment that what she was doing to him was almost worse than pretending to be dead, because they were getting closer, and even though they were going almost painfully slow, she knew where they were heading. But Derek wanted a real life, a family. And she was not the person who could give that to him. Ever.

With tears in her eyes, she pulled her hands from his. She stood and bent to kiss him gently on the lips. "I can't, Derek. That's just not me. I'm so sorry. You deserve that and you should have that, but not with me."

She left him stunned and sad on his couch, and walked out the door.


	11. Chapter 11

Derek watched Emily try so hard to find her footing with him again after that, just as friends. There were no more movie nights at either of their houses, no nights where they pretended to fall asleep so they could end up in each other's arms on the couch together.

He had no idea what had made her react in such a way. She seemed to care as deeply about the children they encountered on their cases as he did. And he watched her with Declan, and she was great with him.

After a week of discomfort at work, where they were friendly, but uncertain with each other, Derek showed up at JJ's house on Saturday morning. He felt like he needed to talk with someone, and she seemed like the best option. He had a feeling that JJ knew a hell of a lot more than she ever let on.

JJ let him in. She made him coffee and then they went and sat on her front steps and watched Henry play in the yard.

"Did Emily talk to you about what happened last Saturday?"

JJ hesitated before nodding.

"I was stupid. I shouldn't have said that to her, about wanting kids."

"You weren't stupid. You were telling her how you felt. You were being honest." JJ leaned against his arm in a friendly gesture.

"Do you know why she reacted that way? It totally shocked me. I still can't understand it."

JJ was quiet for a long time. "I think Doyle impacted her in ways you don't understand. I can't even say I fully understand it. I can't put myself in her shoes because I've never had to live anything like that. But I will tell you this: You could have taken what happened to you as a teenager and gone either way, letting that impact you so that you didn't want children ever, or making what happened a reason to want children more, so you could provide that good life for him or her. You went one way with your inner demons, and she went the other way."

Derek understood what JJ as saying. He felt like there was a lot more there, but he understood why JJ was holding back. It was unfair of him to expect her to tell him Emily's secrets.

"I never really asked her about Doyle much. I wanted to pretend it didn't happen because that was easier," he responded.

"I know," she said softly. "And I understand."

"Do you think if I ask her, if she talks about it, it would help?"

JJ patted his back. "I don't know, Derek."

He didn't ask Emily. He thought about it frequently, but ultimately didn't say anything. The weeks passed and the discomfort around each other lessened. He wanted to wait until it felt completely gone before he talked to her.

There were clues he should have read better. All of a sudden there was talk about a brownstone in Dupont Circle. Had he been thinking clearly, he would have seen it for what it was - a half-hearted effort of hanging onto herself with all of them, a way to coerce herself into a permanency she didn't really feel.

Because any person, and most importantly Emily, would not walk away from his apartment that night like she did and then turn around and start looking to purchase a home of her own. She was trying to force herself to stick around, and he knew the moment he stood with her, after the inspection at that brownstone, that being there, being around him, was no longer what she wanted.

Before they could get totally back to a good place, before they could talk more, she told him she was leaving.

* * *

She struggled. It felt like she was living with two different personalities; the one forcing herself to stay and keep riding those waves and figure things out with Derek and herself, and the other personality looking to get away.

Emily felt JJ's eyes on her when she was on the phone with Easter, when Easter first proposed Interpol to her. She remembered shaking her head at JJ. And she remembered JJ's eyes, not totally believing her.

Several hours later, she sat there with Will as the seconds ticked down on that bomb, as he implored her to go, and she couldn't leave. She couldn't because she could never, ever face JJ if she walked away from Will in that moment. They were either both going to walk out of that train station, or neither of them were.

She cut the correct wire, and they lived, and in that moment she knew it was time for her to leave. She could never be what Derek wanted or needed, and sticking around was just going to end up being painful for both of them. They would become a ticking time bomb themselves, and she didn't want that explosion; she didn't want a terribly ugly end.

Emily told JJ first. On Sunday morning, when JJ was home with Will and Henry, she stopped by and asked JJ to take a quick walk. JJ had no clue that the gathering at Rossi's house that night was a surprise wedding, and Emily wasn't going to spoil that surprise.

She told JJ that day because JJ did not know that her mom was flying in and staying for the week with Henry. She didn't know that the team had all chipped in on a flight and hotel stay in North Carolina, on the beach for the week for them, as a wedding present. She didn't want JJ to find out she was leaving via a text message from someone else.

In the end, she didn't need to say much at all. JJ put her arm around Emily's waist and squeezed. "I don't know how to thank you. For Will. For not leaving him there. For saving him."

Emily nodded at that and then JJ squeezed her again. "You're leaving, aren't you? You're taking the Interpol job."

"I am."

JJ's tears came quickly and she wiped them away. "Why can't you just tell Derek the truth?"

Emily wanted to say it. She wanted to say, "For the same reason you're not telling Will the truth. Because it's easier." But she didn't, because she didn't want to spoil this day for JJ, and the circumstances were different.

She finally settled on words. "Because that would go one of two ways. Either we'd continue being friends and he'd meet someone else, and I don't want to watch that. Or, the more likely scenario - I would tell him and he would understand. Derek would be so understanding that he would try to love me at the expense of himself. He wouldn't push me and he'd give up on the idea of children and a family. And then, several years down the road, I wouldn't be enough for him anymore. I don't want him to live like that."

JJ conceded the likelihood of either of those outcomes. "I don't want you to go."

"You and I will be fine, Jayje. We'll talk all the time and you can visit me. I knew deep down the second I woke up in that hospital in Bethesda and you told me everyone thought I was dead that I wasn't going to get my old life back, no matter what happened. There are some things you just can't work your way back to, no matter how much you want to. I tried. Not as hard as I could have maybe, but I did try. And this is where I ended up."

"Derek's a mess," JJ said.

"He is. And I let him get that way as much as he allowed himself to get that way. When he stopped asking me questions, I let him pretend everything was fine. And even before that, I let him get so angry, passively waiting for questions instead of talking, that he became someone I didn't think he could be, and then let that go so easily. That's not totally on me, but in a lot of ways it is. I let him think that I completely handled everything thrown my way without major issue, when I didn't. I don't know how to backtrack from there, and I'm not sure it would matter in the end."

JJ nodded in understanding. She knew it all, Derek's mixed emotions, his anger, him being someone neither of them thought he could be, and then him swinging to the other side of the pendulum, a caring and loving and easy person.

He and Emily were both fucked up, and the onus was on Emily because she held the keys to all the secrets. She didn't know how to fix it in the right way. And maybe there was no right way.

"You are going to Rossi's tonight for the party, right?" asked JJ.

Emily smiled at her. "I wouldn't miss it for the world."

* * *

He tried to let Emily go as a friend would. He split himself in two immediately, the Derek who was in love with her was pushed down, while the Derek who was her friend surged to the surface.

He danced with her at JJ and Will's wedding. He laughed with her. He smiled while she danced with the team. He watched her smiling and thought to himself that he couldn't love her into being who she wasn't no matter how much he tried.

He hugged her when she left Rossi's that night. He was the best friend she needed through her last days at the BAU, through her packing. He tried to throw silent goodbyes her way without pressuring her into conversation.

They had a going away party for her at Rossi's a couple weeks later. She'd stay at Rossi's house that night, and then she was flying out the next morning. There were some tears that night from the team, and a lot of laughter, and, at least for Derek, way too much alcohol.

Emily spilled wine on herself and went up to the guest room to change. He excused himself to use the restroom, but really followed her, up the stairs and right to her doorway. He opened the door without knocking, just as she was pulling a new shirt over her head.

She spun when the door opened. "Jesus, Derek. You scared me."

He stepped towards her and kissed her and she let him. He tangled his fingers in her hair and deepened the kiss, and she let him. He released her after a few seconds. "You're leaving tomorrow. This is what we do, right? We get drunk and fuck each other goodbye."

Emily's eyes opened wide before the tears came, filling her eyes to impossible levels before finally falling down her cheeks.

"Derek," she whispered.

He shouted. It was something he didn't typically do, and something he'd never thought he'd do to Emily, but he shouted. "You knew you were going after Doyle! You knew you were going to die. You wanted to die! And you showed up at my office and acted like you had just had a bad date and wanted to screw!"

"Derek," she said more firmly. "Lower your voice, please. You're right. I did do that, and I felt guilty about it the entire time I was gone, and I never talked to you about it when I got back because I was afraid to. And I'm sorry."

The shouting continued. "Why me? Why not Hotch? Or Rossi? Tell me, Emily, if I hadn't been at the office that night, would you have fucked either of them if they were there and willing?"

Emily's voice raised then. "Screw you, Derek! You know I wouldn't have. You know it wasn't just about sex. You know that!"

He deflated at those words. He did know. And he knew what he was doing then, even though he was drunk; he wanted to get angry with her so it would be easier to let her go. He'd lived with the guilt of holding onto her wrists when she asked him to let go of her for months. And that wasn't him. And shouting at her wasn't him. He didn't want it to end like this.

He sank to the ground, leaning against the wall, and shook his head. "I did this all wrong."

She was there then, kneeling on either side of his legs, gentle lips on his face and arms around his back. "We both did."

He asked the questions then, not angry, but defeated. Spoken softly without accusation. "You knew you were going after Doyle and you came to my office to say goodbye, without actually saying it."

She looked him in the eye. "I did."

"Several days later, Garcia blew through the offices and we found cameras. Did you know about them? Did you tell JJ to have Hotch look? Did you know Doyle would be watching that night?"

She hesitated before nodding again. "Derek," she whispered again. "I planned on killing him and dying."

He saw it in her eyes, that she would have given him anything he wanted in that moment, at the expense of herself, whatever it was. And he realized through his alcohol-induced fog that this woman, the one who came back to him in September, and the one kneeling before him now, actually did love him. But he wasn't sure he wanted her love like this, the broken version of her that was too complacent, not the Emily he knew at all.

"I did this wrong. I did this wrong and now I've lost you," he breathed.

She shook her head and wiped her face. "It was beyond your control. All of the wrongs were already there, Derek. They were there long before Doyle resurfaced. I was at the BAU and getting closer to you without consideration of my past because Doyle was gone. And then he wasn't. I have mountains of things I need to deal with, and you can't walk me through them. You're a gentle man. You are a kind, loving and gentle man, and I took advantage of that in a lot of ways. I should have kept talking when you stopped asking questions and I didn't. I need to go. I need to get it right this time. I love you, but I can't get it right with you, because even in the end, I can't be what you want me to be."

He took in a shuddering breath. "But you can. I know you, and you can. Forget kids. I just need you to be yourself and I know what that looks like. I don't think you do right now."

Her hands were on his face. "I don't want you to change for me and I'm not who you think I am," she said sadly.

He clutched her then, and she held on. He cried until his energy was sapped and she stood. He felt her pulling on his hands, and he stood as well. She walked him to the bed and got him settled, pulling the blanket over him. He felt her feather-light kiss on his forehead. "You're going to be happy. You were destined to be happy, Derek Morgan. And I can't wait to hear about it. But I can't make you happy. You need to let me go this time."

He couldn't find words then, this version of her asking him to let her go. She wasn't dying. She was just choosing to live separately from all of them, from him. Her hands were on his face and he felt them there until he finally passed out.

* * *

Emily sat next to Derek for a few seconds while he slept. She took deep breaths and tried to calm herself, and then Rossi and JJ were in the doorway.

"We heard shouting," JJ said softly.

"It's fine," Emily replied. She sighed. "It's really okay."

"We can move your things to a different room," Rossi said.

"No. Just leave them. He's going to wake up at some point, and he's going to feel guilty when he does and sneak out. That's not how I want to leave things with him."

JJ nodded in understanding right away, but Rossi raised his eyebrow.

The party broke up on a low note, with sad looks and warm hugs goodbye. When everyone left, Rossi turned to look at her. "You okay, Emily?"

She smiled softly and patted Rossi's shoulder. "I am."

She laid next to Derek in that bed, watching him sleep for a couple of hours, a sadness inside her that was so all-encompassing she couldn't process; couldn't find tears or words. When he blinked his eyes open, she watched his moment of confusion, and then watched him turn and find her eyes in the faint light coming from the bathroom. The guilt was there and she reached her hand out and placed it on his chest, shaking her head at him.

"Don't feel guilty. Please. It's okay. I'm okay."

He kissed her forehead and pulled her against his chest. There were no more words. They had a tremendous amount of love for each other that had turned into a mess. She was leaving because she needed to, and he was letting her go.

* * *

He had mixed feelings about his special assignment at the Olympics in London. Garcia planned to travel with him, but she'd be staying at Emily's and he'd be staying in a hotel designated for security.

He almost backed out. He almost called Emily and said he wasn't coming. But his birthday came around and there was a package there from her. A book, and a card with a picture of a cupcake on it. There wasn't much written inside that card, just a "Happy Birthday. Love, Emily." But it was ultimately the decisive factor in him going to London. She still wanted to be his friend.

For eleven days in London, he only saw Emily and Garcia briefly, catching up for a quick dinner or lunch, and busy the rest of the time. But on his last night there, he stayed at Emily's flat. They had a nice dinner together, and Garcia, who had been out having a couple of beers with people she met at a sporting event, was ready for sleep by her second glass of wine. Emily and Derek helped walk her to the guest bedroom and got her settled.

Emily smiled at him a bit nervously and they put together his bed on the couch in the living room, seeming to not know what to say. They'd covered all the simple things during their lunches and dinners. He knew Interpol was going well for her.

He asked his questions delicately. "Why Interpol, Em? Why not just leave the BAU and stay more local. I know you like being near Declan."

Emily put a pillowcase on Derek's pillow and tossed it on the couch. "I do like being near him, but he's old enough to fly on his own. He's going to come out for a week at the end of August. I'll still see him, it will just be in different increments. As far as Interpol goes, I probably wouldn't have thought about it unless Easter made the offer, but once he did, I decided to take it because of something you said to me last October."

He raised his eyebrows at her.

"You were right," she said. "I was twenty-five years old and whether I could handle the assignments or not was besides the point. I was too young to be making that decision. Now I get to make sure no one else that young is put in that position."

Derek nodded and smiled at her. "You'll have to call or email me to let me know what books you're reading so I don't send you something for your birthday that you've already read."

She grinned. "I will. I should head to bed. It's a work day for me tomorrow."

Emily stepped forward to give him a hug and he held her tightly. This was it. He could visit, but this moment really felt like the end. He choked back the sob in his throat, not wanting her to feel badly. He kept his emotions in check, but she didn't.

The sob, and then the shaking that wracked her body was real. And so was the kiss he felt on his lips a second later, a kiss that was mixed with the saltiness of her tears.

He understood her in that moment for the first time. She'd started a relationship with Tom Kohler, and even if the story had been true about him working for the FBI, she went into that relationship knowing she wouldn't be in Indiana forever. He didn't know her story before or after that, but if he had to guess, there weren't any relationships that could in any way be permanent. Permanency scared her; she didn't deal with it well. They'd flirted around the edges of a relationship for years before Doyle resurfaced, and hadn't crossed a line. Maybe things would have ended differently if Doyle never came back, but in that moment, Derek didn't think so. She would have run away eventually.

He wasn't a pillar of relationship stability. There weren't many differences between the two of them, except one. He would have wanted permanence with her, and even if he'd never brought up the idea of kids, she probably couldn't have given it to him.

Emily Prentiss was content and felt safer with goodbyes.

He stopped thinking and kissed her back, hands in her hair and his body pressed tightly to hers. This was goodbye, but this time they both knew it. He pulled away from her lips and kissed the tears on her cheeks before finding her lips again.

They should have gone to her bedroom because Garcia was sleeping just down the hall. But she didn't move, and neither did he. If this was goodbye, he was in for the ride.

He didn't press her.

She removed her shirt, and only then did he remove his. She undid her bra, and only then did he help pull it from her arms. She kissed him again, her hands on his chest, and only then did he touch her. She got what he was doing. She pulled away and gave him a small smile, undoing her pants and pushing them down along with her underwear. She raised an eyebrow at him.

None of this was going to make tomorrow easier, but it wasn't going to make it worse either. He removed his pants and briefs and stood there, waiting for her to decide what to do. Her arms came around him then and she kissed his chest before finding his lips again.

She sat on the couch and pulled him down with her, until she was laying back and his body was over hers. This wasn't like the last time at all. There was no seductive smile, there were no words at all at the beginning.

He knew this was probably his only shot at this, doing this right. So he stopped being so passive and worshiped her like she deserved, kissing her again before moving his lips down her neck and chest. He wasn't fast or rough or teasing. He just felt in the moment, and he pressed open-mouthed kisses on her skin, over her breasts and nipples, over the two scars that were on her torso, and then down her body, over one hip and down her thigh before switching to the other leg and working his way back up.

The last time he'd had sex was with her nearly a year and a half ago, but the fact that he was barely containing himself became secondary. Because it wasn't fucking this time. This was making love, and he intended to do it right.

When he got back to her lips, there were fresh tears falling down the side of her face and he wiped them away before kissing her again, until the tears stopped and she was moving her hips and kissing him back.

She squirmed and tried to move her body into the right position, to get him where she wanted him to be.

"Emily," he whispered.

She opened her eyes and looked at him. He slid inside her then, slowly, and she raised her legs to accept him. "I love you, however or whoever you are," he said softly.

Her eyes opened wide and she looked like she was going to cry again, but instead reached her lips towards his to kiss him and hold on tightly as he started moving his hips. She fell into a rhythm with him. They were quiet, they moved slowly at first, and then they held on for each other. They waited until the pace quickened and their limbs were quivering, never saying a word but able to read each other, until finally they both came apart with muffled cries pressed against each other's necks.

When their breathing slowed, he thought she might run away from the couch and back to her bedroom, but she didn't. She stayed while he rolled to the side and pressed his back against the couch. She stayed while he gently pushed on her hip so she rolled on her side and her back was against his chest. She stayed while he adjusted the blanket and pulled it over both of them and settled his hand on her stomach.

They both caught their breath and there were no words for a very long time. He was almost drifting off to sleep when she finally spoke. He could feel her heart beating frantically while she whispered.

"My fifth month with Doyle, he took my birth control pills away. I was trapped with him because he kept me isolated. The first month, my period came and I cried in relief, but I told him it was because I was disappointed. The second month, my period didn't come. I cut myself so I could fake it, and I cried again. And that time he trusted me enough to leave for a day without me. I got out and contacted Easter and they extracted me the next day. I didn't tell anyone at all. The only person who knows is JJ and I only told her recently, when I was hiding in Europe and unsure if I was ever coming home."

Derek was in shock, but he squeezed her and kissed her shoulder. "What did you do?"

"The abortion I had when I was fifteen left me a huge mess. I almost went that route again, but I couldn't do it. After I got Declan settled, I went somewhere else for awhile, I gave birth and I put the baby up for adoption. I had to literally pretend to be someone else in my head during that pregnancy, and when I think about it, even a little, I get scared and panicked. I feel lost. And having a child, any child, would remind me every day. That's why, Derek."

Derek stared at the back of her head, massive amounts of sympathy rolling off him. He was at a loss for words.

He had objections at the tip of his tongue, a litany of "buts" and "what ifs" and "it's okay and kids don't matter, just come home," but he knew that wasn't why she was telling him. There was a reason why she waited until she was safely in London to say these words: because she couldn't face whatever reality he offered to her, no matter what it was.

And he knew it then. Carla Englen. A flight to Philadelphia in June of 2005, and then a flight to DC in November of that year, and somewhere in there she gave birth to a baby. A year in Ohio at a field office where she established a background, and spent time with the baby of the office coordinator there, not because she adored babies but because she wanted to desensitize herself and build up walls. When she reached that point, she was ready for her transfer to the BAU.

Emily had a whole story he didn't know, but he finally felt like he knew the important parts. He didn't pressure her or ask questions because nothing could change this. It was shocking and traumatizing, it happened, and this was who she was because of it. He wanted to leave her feeling loved, so he pressed several kisses to her shoulder and held on. "I'm so sorry, Emily. I understand," he whispered.

He drifted off to sleep at some point, but he wasn't sure if she ever did. All he knew was the next morning, when dawn was barely making an appearance, long before Garcia woke up, Emily turned in his arms. She pressed a kiss to his lips, and whispered, "Don't ever think for a second I didn't love you. I didn't even know what that was before you."

And then she was gone from his arms and down the hall in her bedroom. She left for work that morning before they left her flat. Garcia was up then and Emily hugged them and told them both goodbye like the night before never happened.

He didn't know what to do with his body the rest of the morning and on their flight. He was going back to DC, and Emily was staying in London.

All he knew how to do was to keep on living.


	12. Chapter 12

When Derek first came back from London, he tried to throw himself entirely into work, even staying late when he didn't have to, helping Hotch catch up on paperwork. That lasted a couple of months. He loved Emily and he missed her, but she was gone now.

He was torn, too, because there was a part of him that wanted to find out where Emily's daughter was. She was somewhere out there, but the only way he could get the information was with Garcia's help, and he couldn't do that, couldn't share Emily's secret like that. He wouldn't know what to do with the information if he had it anyway.

He had a long list of children he checked up on, Ellie Spicer at the top of that list. He checked up on the well-being of many, quietly calling social workers or parents. It was his secret. He mentally added Emily's daughter to that list, even if he couldn't find her at the moment.

He got upset as Emily's birthday neared, leaving work one night in a bad enough mood to snap at the people he cared about, even snapping at Penelope.

He drove recklessly to a bookstore and stood for what felt like hours staring at titles, trying to find something to send Emily for her birthday. He felt a presence next to him at a certain point and Garcia was there.

"Turn your cell phone off the next time you storm out of the building like that and you don't want me to find you," she said without turning her head.

He huffed out a soft laugh.

"What are we doing here?" she asked.

He debated before answering. "Emily and I exchange books on our birthdays. We have for years. I need to find something to send her."

"Ah," said Garcia without skipping a beat. "Come with me."

She lead him away from the books and to the stationary section. They stood in front of a wall of journals and diaries. "Emily Prentiss has probably read more books than Spencer in her life. At the very least, she's a close second. The girl needs to write."

Derek looked at the wall of journals for awhile before turning his head to look at Garcia.

"I needed a drink of water that last night at Emily's flat," she whispered. "I saw you two laying on the couch. I have no clue what it means or what it meant before that night. I don't know the back story and I don't need to. I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm fairly bursting with curiosity, but I don't expect you to tell me. I will tell you, I do know running away when I see it, and that's what Emily did."

"Was she asleep?"

"What?" asked Penelope.

"When you saw us, was she asleep?

"It looked like it."

He nodded. "I was never sure if she slept at all that night."

Penelope gave him a sympathetic look and reached forward to pick out a journal with a leather cover. "Here. This will work."

Derek took it in his hands and nodded at Garcia, and she reached forward to hug him.

* * *

_In August of 1995, Emily arrived in London. Most people didn't last long in Clyde's group, innocuously named Special Interest Operations. There were people who rotated in for a couple of years and then rotated back out to a regular position within Interpol, or onto something else entirely because the undercover work had been too much for them. There was no way to have a regular life while part of the group; there were some mornings Emily woke up and had to remind herself who she currently was, if she was herself or some fake person as part of an assignment. _

_By 2003, only three people remained from the original group in 1995 - Clyde Easter, Sean McCallister, and Emily. _

_Tsia came on board around then, Clyde moved up to head the London office, and Emily and Sean alternated running operations of the group. _

_Emily had learned well from Clyde. She was just as ruthless, just reckless enough with her plans to get results without someone getting killed. And then Ian Doyle landed on their desk, and they started the arduous planning process._

_Emily was never supposed to go in with Doyle; she was supposed to oversee the operation from the outside. It was always supposed to be Tsia. But the more they planned, the more the haunted, scared look in Tsia's eyes that she very much tried to hide became too much for Emily. _

_She went to Sean and Clyde early one morning. She said Tsia couldn't do the job and she would go in instead. Neither of them liked it much. They all pretended that they couldn't be wrecked by this job, but they all knew Ian Doyle might be the one that could eventually do them all in. But they finally agreed. Easter put Sean in charge of the operation, and Emily told Tsia she'd be going in with Doyle instead, and Tsia would infiltrate the weapon's group that they knew sold to Doyle. _

_Emily would never forget the look on Tsia's face, the look of pure relief and thankfulness that she never expressed in words. That look made the decision worth it at the beginning. _

The case plan from Special Interest Operations came across her desk in October 2012, the day after Derek's birthday gift arrived - not a book this time, but a journal. And a simple card that brought tears to her eyes: _For you to write your own story. I miss you every day._

She missed the BAU, she missed the team, but her heart physically hurt when she thought about Derek. Still, she felt like even if she couldn't get her own self right, she could do her job right. And she let that be her entire focus.

There was a new person in charge of Special Interest Operations now. The plan he presented Emily with included a female agent in the group becoming a high-class call girl in order to get to a drug dealer that frequently used a specific service.

The woman slated to go in was twenty-seven years old.

Reminding herself why she was there, Emily stood from her desk and stormed out of her office, down the hall, and into Special Interest Operations.

Steven Samuelson, the head of the group, stood when she entered his office. "Prentiss."

She put the folder containing the plan on his desk. "Samuelson, I don't approve of this plan. You're not doing it this way."

"Prentiss, it's the best way."

"No, it's Easter's way, and it's the fastest way, but it's not the only way. We're not operating like this anymore."

"How are we doing it, then?" asked Samuelson, tempering his anger.

"Sexual relations in order to get a profile or information are off the table. Operate under that assumption and see if you can find a different plan."

"And if we can't?" he asked.

"Then I'll find someone who will."

Not surprisingly, Easter showed up in her office later that afternoon.

"I got an interesting call from Samuelson," he said.

"Nice to know he'll jump right over my head when he doesn't like my decisions."

"What the hell are you doing, Emily? That group gets results."

"You put me in charge. If you don't like it, fire me. I can think of three different ways off the top of my head that they could get the information they need for the current case without sending an agent into a hotel room several times over with that slime ball."

"She agreed to the plan."

"She shouldn't have been asked to," said Emily sternly.

"It's the fastest way to get information, Emily."

"Well, we're going to work a little more slowly from now on at a far lower emotional price. Let me ask you this, Clyde. Would you let a man fuck you in order to get information for a profile or case?" Clyde held her gaze for a second before looking down and Emily smirked. "I didn't think so. I'm doing this my way now."

Clyde was quiet for awhile before clearing his throat. "At least now I have my answer as to why you came back. It was for this, wasn't it?"

"Not entirely, but yes, in many ways," she replied.

"I feel like somewhere in here, I owe you an apology."

"Clyde Easter doesn't say he's sorry. Don't start on my account. Just let me do this my way and trust me and we'll call it even."

Clyde nodded. "Okay then. Onto other matters. Are you ready for your meeting with Cheryl Reza this evening?"

Cheryl Reza, head of Cyber Terrorism for all of Interpol. "Of course I am," said Emily.

"Be sure. If you're not thorough, she will eat you alive. I'm not joking."

"I've got it, Clyde."

Cheryl Reza didn't bite, but she came close to it. Emily had never met a more no-nonsense woman in her life. Or person for that matter. She wasn't sure if the blonde sitting across the table from her actually could smile. But she did her job and did it well. Emily held her own while Cheryl went over the documentation from their Cyber Terrorism group, answering sharp questions as quickly as they came up.

When the meeting was over, Cheryl stood up and finally cracked a smile. It changed the severity of her face immensely. "I can't tell you how nice it is to not have to deal with Easter anymore, bastard that he is."

Emily managed a laugh at that, surprised by the change in attitude and demeanor.

Cheryl held out her hand to Emily. "It was a pleasure meeting you. I'm flying to Geneva tonight, but I'll be back through London next month. Perhaps we could grab dinner and you can tell me about the FBI."

* * *

After Strauss's funeral, JJ was relieved to be getting on a plane to London that last weekend in May for a four-day visit with Emily. It had been a hell of a year since Emily left, and she missed her friend. They talked on the phone frequently, but it wasn't the same.

Her plane landed at five o'clock on a Friday evening, and JJ took a cab to the Interpol office, where she was meeting up with Emily. She was excited to see Emily, but she didn't quite realize how much she missed her until she walked into Emily's office and Emily smiled at her.

After a quick hug, Emily started gathering her things. "I'm ready to get out of here. I almost came to the airport to get you, but something came up at the last minute. Are you hungry? We could grab dinner before we go to my place."

Before JJ could answer, a woman breezed into the office - stiff, professional, pretty in an intense way. She took one look at JJ and then looked back at Emily. The words were delivered in an icy tone. "I came to say goodbye before my flight. I'll see you in a few weeks, Emily."

Emily gave her a small smile. "See you then."

The woman nodded, the bare perception of something that might be a smile on her lips, and then turned around and left.

JJ raised her eyebrows at Emily and pretended to shiver. "Brrrr. Who was that?"

Emily looked at her and blushed slightly.

"Oh," said JJ quietly, understanding.

"She's really much warmer than what you just saw. Cheryl. She's head of cyber terrorism for Interpol. She keeps it pretty stiff at work. Very stiff, actually. But she's funny outside of work. It's not some huge relationship, believe me. She's in London about two or three days a month, which works for me. I'm busy with work, and it's really all I want."

_No it's not. It's what you've deluded yourself into thinking it's all you deserve,_ thought JJ. But she smiled at her friend. "OK. Well, what should we do this weekend?"

Emily smiled. "Whatever you want to do."

That night they ordered in and drank wine and talked. JJ caught Emily up on everything that had been happening in the BAU, which was mostly bad as of late. Emily told her about Interpol, about the rule changes she'd made that people didn't like at first, but were working out well, and people respected her now and trusted her judgement.

Emily also told her a little more about Cheryl which had started a few months back and was really nothing more than a couple of days of stress release a month between two women who wanted discretion and absolutely no commitment or anything that resembled a relationship.

"What?" Emily asked when she caught the look on JJ's face while she talked about Cheryl.

"Nothing, Emily. Whatever makes you happy, really."

"But?"

"But I...well, it doesn't sound all that different than when you were Maria in Madrid, or Dana in Greece, or any one of your other covers. It doesn't sound like what the real Emily I know would want out of life in the long run."

Emily looked like she was going to object, but then she sighed. "It's really a pain in my ass that you know me so well. It's working for me now, and since I've got no clue what I want out of life in the long run, I'm just going to work with the right now."

JJ let her off the hood. She patted Emily's leg. "OK, Emily."

"JJ, how's Derek? We talk sometimes, but I can't really read how he's doing over the phone."

JJ put her arm around Emily's shoulder. "Better now than he was in the fall. Other than that, I don't know. He's very tight-lipped about anything that doesn't have to do with work these days."

* * *

Derek jogged through the streets around his neighborhood the first Sunday in June. Emily had now been in London for a year. He missed her, not as acutely as he had in the fall, but still a lot. Alex Blake was good, but she was no Emily. There was a different energy at work now. He missed the calm resolve Emily brought to cases in a way no one else could, the attitude that everything would be okay.

He didn't blame Blake for anything, because none of it was her fault, but through the months that he'd tried to help Spencer through his depression at losing Maeve, he couldn't help but feel that things might have ended differently with that situation if Emily was there. Sometimes he thought the same thing about The Replicator and Strauss.

It's not that there hadn't been injuries or horrible situations that had happened with the BAU when Emily was there; but there was a different vibe to them when they did, a better sense of balance.

Maybe that was just him. He didn't talk about it with anyone.

He jogged his way back towards his building and was surprised to see a moving truck out front. A woman came down the ramp of the truck carrying a heavy box and looked like she was going to drop it. Derek stepped forward and took it from her.

"Thank you," she smiled gratefully.

Derek smiled back. She was very attractive. It had been a long time since he'd noticed an attractive woman. He carried the box up the walk and the woman opened the door for him. He followed her down the hall as she spoke, "My friends that are helping me went to grab some coffee, but I just want to get moved in."

She stopped at the apartment a few doors down from his. "This is me," she said.

Derek set the box down inside the living room and turned around to find the woman holding out her hand. "Savannah."

Derek grinned again and shook her hand. "Derek."

"Thanks again, Derek," she said as he moved past her and back out into the hallway.

"No problem." He walked to his door and stopped. He turned back around and she was still in her doorway staring at him. "I have some time if you want some more help moving in," he said.

A week passed and he ran into Savannah from time to time. They chatted, told each other what they did for work. And then one evening Savannah asked him if he wanted to go grab a drink.

Derek looked up at that, startled. "Um. I'm actually…" He trailed off when he met her eyes. What the hell? It's just a drink. And he didn't know what he was waiting for anyway. Emily was gone and had been for a year and he felt stuck and had to do something to propel himself out of it. "Sure," he finally smiled. "I could do that. Tomorrow night?"

"Tomorrow night," Savannah said with a smile.

It was so nice to be talking to a woman other than a colleague again and feel okay doing it. It was a relief feel like that part of him wasn't broken completely and forever. In the back of his mind, he knew he was moving way too fast with his emotions in his mind, but he couldn't seem to slow them down.

Savannah was nice, she was fun, and she liked his company as much as he liked hers.

The first night of going out for a drink turned into dinner out the next night. He kissed her goodnight that night.

A case that took him out of town for three days, and when he returned he knocked on her door.

"Hey. I'm back. I just wanted to see if you wanted to grab dinner," he smiled when she opened the door.

She grabbed him by the collar and pulled him inside. "Or take out," she said before kissing him.

Sex with Savannah was good. It was fantastic. But it wasn't the same. And he kicked himself for making comparisons in his mind that first time with her. He wished he could just dump his emotional baggage on the side of the road and forget about it, which was what he ended up trying to do from that point forward.

Derek left work a bit early on his birthday to go home and change. Savannah was taking him out to dinner that night. When he arrived home there was a package in Derek's mailbox. He grinned when he saw it postmarked London.

He let himself in his apartment and sat on the couch to open the package. The book was wrapped this time. He went for the card first.

_Derek,_

_I decided to send you something a little different this year, too. I'm writing, but you need to start from the beginning. Even if I'm here and you're there and we can only ever be friends, I want you to know my story because you deserve to. Because I should have told you about it a long time ago. So, here's book one. _

_I hope you're happy and finding some joy in life outside of work. Whenever I'm having a rough day, I think of your smile. I hope you're smiling. _

_Happy Birthday. _

_Love,  
Emily_

Curious, Derek opened the paper covering the book and found himself staring at a journal. It was simple, with a plain tan cover, but it had been decorated with with doodles and drawings and in the top right corner of the cover was her name. _Emily_.

He opened to the first page and found it dated September 3, 1985. The handwriting was loopier, but there was no mistaking it. This was Emily's journal from when she was just about to turn fifteen. He flipped through the pages. She didn't write every day, sometimes only once a month, and the time spanned until she graduated from high school.

Intrigued and surprised she'd sent this, he settled back on the couch and went back to the first page.

_My dad brought me this journal when he came to visit this week. I've never written in a journal before, but I decided to try. I have the perfect hiding space for this, under a loose floorboard in my closet. No one knows about it. I imagine I'm mostly going to write about Mother because she drives me crazy. _

_Matthew and John think it's hysterical how my mother behaves as I'm getting ready to leave for school in the mornings. They enjoy getting to my house early so they can watch from the foyer as mother inspects me, every hair in place, no wrinkles on my blouse and tucked in just right, mascara and lip gloss but no other make-up, not a mark or scuff on my shoes, uniform skirt falling just right with severe pleats. _

_They make faces when my mom's back is turned, and one time I made the mistake of laughing, but the stinging slap to my leg that stunned both Matthew and John put an end to that. Now we wait until we're walking to school before we make fun of her. _

_This morning we laughed because John found a piece of lint on my blouse that Mother missed. "Oh Emily," he said, "A piece of lint. Your mom is losing her touch." _

_As soon as I'm far enough away from our house, I push down my socks, untuck my blouse slightly, and run my fingers through my hair, letting some pieces get out of place. _

_John and Matthew are my only friends. I know I'm no better than anyone else, but Mother doesn't believe that. Because she walks around with that attitude with everyone she encounters, and she encounters most of the parents of the students at our small International school through work, all of the kids I know think I believe that as well. They call me a snob and they don't give me a chance. _

_Mother doesn't like me hanging around with Matthew at all. She's okay with John, but Matthew sometimes says or does unexpected things that are embarrassing to someone like my mother. She thinks there's something wrong with him, but I defend him. There's nothing wrong with Matthew. _

_I've been in Rome for three months now and things aren't getting any better. I'm tired of moving around. It was easier when I was younger because kids were more accepting. Not anymore, though. _

Derek was hooked. He wasn't surprised at how well she wrote for a fourteen year old. An army of tutors, small schools and a perfectionist for a mother would do that to you. He flipped to the next entry, but was interrupted by a knock at his door.

"Derek? You ready to go out?"

"Give me ten minutes to change and I will be," he said through the door.

How ridiculous it was that he was almost ready to tell Savannah he wasn't feeling well and wanted to stay in so he could keep reading Emily's journal. He was intrigued by Emily's life, but the stories there were way in her past, and she was in London, and Savannah was here in the present.

He reminded himself that he was trying to move forward. He didn't want to leave the journal laying around, though. It was precious and important and he felt honored to have it. But he couldn't live in the past with Emily and enjoy time with Savannah. It was too confusing in his head.

Derek picked up the journal and the card and opened the safe in his bedroom closet. He carefully placed both items inside, promising himself that he'd return to the journal when it felt like the right time.

He got dressed for dinner.

* * *

Emily was supposed to fly to DC for a week at the end of September and visit. It had been fourteen months since she'd moved to London, and she missed them all. A completely innocent letter from Spencer changed her plans, though. He talked about himself and the team. One little sentence in that letter made her heart break. "I had dinner with Morgan and his girlfriend, Savannah, a week ago…"

No matter how much she missed them, not matter how much she wanted Derek to be happy, she just wasn't up for potentially seeing that. Not yet. She cancelled her trip, stating she had issues at work that she couldn't get away from.

A call from Hotch several months later made her forget any reservations. She heard the words, "JJ's missing," and wanted to teleport herself to Virginia.

She remembered calling her pilot. "I need to be in the air on the way to Turner Field in fifteen minutes."

"I don't know if I can get a flight plan that fast, and you can't get to the airfield here that quickly."

"Make it happen and watch me," she snapped. She snagged a bewildered agent off the floor and said, "Grab your ready bag. I need some help with research while we're in flight."

"Where are we going, ma'am?" He asked as he slung his bag over his shoulder and raced after her.

"Quantico."

The eight hours between the time Emily landed in Quantico and they found JJ were a blur of panic for Emily. There was no time to focus on Derek or anyone else. She caught a glimpse of Will and Henry at the BAU and the mantra in her head of "Find JJ" completely consumed any other thoughts.

Her heart had started racing the second Hotch called her and only finally slowed down when she pulled JJ up from the edge of that roof and wrapped her in a hug. They knelt on the roof of that building and JJ sobbed. Emily was aware when Hotch approached them and Emily waved him off; he nodded at her and turned to walk away.

After several minutes, JJ took in a shuddering breath. "It happened."

"What did?" asked Emily.

"The shit hit the fan, like you said it would someday." JJ said. And then she laughed, more of a shock response than anything else.

She pulled away from JJ and stood, lending a hand to JJ so she could stand as well. She kept an arm around JJ as they made their way down the elevator and out of the building. She stood near as JJ hugged the team and said something to Cruz. JJ didn't want to go in an ambulance, didn't want to be checked out at the hospital, but Hotch insisted, and she finally agreed. Emily went with her in the ambulance.

She sat in the waiting room at the hospital, and was there when Will blew in and less than an hour later with a sleeping Henry in his arms. "Where is she?" he asked Emily.

Emily smiled and took Henry from his arms. "She's really, really okay, Will. They want to observe her for the night, but she's just down the hall. Room 106." Emily pointed and Will took off down the hall.

She sat down and Henry rested in her lap, quickly falling back asleep with his head against her chest. The team filtered into the waiting room and Derek sat next to her. She felt his eyes on her and she turned to face him, meeting his eyes and giving him a small smile. He looked between her face and Henry's and lightly shook his head, but he didn't bring up what Emily knew he was thinking. Instead he spoke softly, "Blake says JJ almost went over the edge of that building."

She nodded at him. "But she didn't."

"Because you were there to pull her up," said Derek.

"If it wasn't me, it would have been one of you," said Emily with a slightly raised eyebrow.

Derek smiled at her lightly and shook his head again. "Balance."

"What?" asked Emily.

"Nothing," said Derek softly. "I'll tell you later."

Will came down the hall an hour later, looking slightly pale and shocked, and said JJ was asking for her. Emily stood and passed Henry back to Will, putting her hand on Will's shoulder and squeezing as she walked past, down the hall and into JJ's room.

JJ smiled when she walked in. "Emily," she whispered.

"Hey. How are you feeling?" Emily walked in and sat on the edge of the bed, taking JJ's hand.

"I told him Emily. I told him about Afghanistan and all those trips that were lies. But I couldn't tell him about the baby, Em. I wanted to, but I couldn't," JJ said with tears in her eyes.

Emily reached forward and brushed a tear off JJ's cheek. "Shhh. You've been through so much the past couple of days. You might feel differently in a few days. And what you told him is a start, Jayje. You should rest."

JJ nodded. "Are you flying back to London right away?"

Emily shook her head. "I need to get the jet back to London, but we'll fly back late tomorrow night. You get some sleep and I'll see you again before I leave."

She left the room and walked back down the hall. Only Derek and Will were there.

"The others went home to get some sleep. Penelope took Henry. I told them I'd stay to drive you wherever you need to go," said Derek.

She came out of her fog at that point and felt slightly nervous about being alone with Derek. But she nodded. She turned to give Will a hug.

"Now I owe you both of our lives," whispered Will.

Emily stepped back and smiled at him. "You owe me nothing."

* * *

Derek watched Emily rub her tired eyes out of the corner of his eye as he drove.

"Where to?" he asked.

"The pilots checked me in at the Marriot near headquarters. My stuff should be there."

"Quantico it is," he replied. He was searching for words and wasn't quite sure what to say. _Are you happy? Do you want to come home? Has anything changed? I'm seeing someone but I could end that if you came back._ It shocked him, how easy that idea came to him, to just tell Savannah it was over if Emily came back.

Emily was quiet, looking out the window. "What did you mean by balance?" she asked.

"I've spent a lot of time thinking since you've been gone that something feels out of balance with the team. I've imagined different outcomes to things if you had been there," he said honestly.

"Blake seems like a good agent."

"She is, but that's not quite what I mean. It's hard to explain. Anyway, how are you doing, Emily?"

"I'm okay. I'm good. What about you?" she asked.

Derek hesitated and Emily reached her hand out to touch his arm. "I know about Savannah."

He nodded. This didn't surprise him; he knew JJ and other people on the team talked to Emily, sadly more frequently than he did as of late. "I'm good, too."

"Are you happy?" asked Emily quietly.

He didn't think before he spoke, just said the first thing that came to him. "I thought I was until I saw you walk into the BAU."

Emily sighed. "Derek. Don't. I'm staying in London, and you get to have your life."

The feeling of tears stinging his eyes surprised him; it wasn't something he'd felt in a very long time. "I know," he said softly. He stumbled over his next question, not sure if he wanted to know. "Are you seeing anyone?" he finally asked.

"Not really. Not in any classically defined way."

_What the hell does that mean? _

Emily turned her head back to look out the window and they lapsed into silence until they got to the hotel. He stopped the car by the lobby doors and turned to face her. He reached his hand out and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear before resting his hand on her cheek. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"JJ."

She shook her head. "I'd be here to help any one of you in a heartbeat."

Derek removed his hand from her cheek, already missing the feel of her skin. "They're hoping we can all get together tomorrow before you fly out."

Emily opened her mouth and then closed it, looking at him hesitating. "I'll be there. Just give me a call." She turned to open the car door.

He guessed the reason behind her hesitation; it pleased him and made him sad at the same time. "Hey, Em. Wherever we get together tomorrow, I won't be bringing Savannah."

She stared at him and blinked before softly nodding her head. "Goodnight, Derek. It's really good to see you."


	13. Chapter 13

_A/N - Thanks for all of the reviews. I love them! I'm finally working beyond the current timeline of the show with this chapter, and now they are all mine to do with as I please! :)_

* * *

_JJ talked to him on the plane after the case about trying harder and making things work with Savannah. He listened to her. And then he looked around and saw everyone otherwise occupied or asleep. _

"_How much do you know about what went on between me and Emily?" he asked. _

_She widened her eyes before blinking slowly, looking away for a few seconds before looking back. "I'm pretty sure I know everything." She sighed and reached forward, touching his leg gently. "There's a huge part of me that wants to tell you to fight for her, but Emily would retreat further if you pushed her, and I think that would only end in heartache for you." _

"_Because she's seeing someone else?" _

_JJ shook her head. "No. Not at all. She's seeing someone else, but it's like how I'm sure you can imagine, completely non-committal. She's just resolute and absolutely believes she's not destined for a real relationship or a family. Ever. And I don't think there's anything you can say to convince her of a different reality. I really wish you could. I love Emily. I owe her my life and Will's life and so much more. But I love you, too. She deserves way more than she's convinced herself she deserves, but I just think it's a losing battle. She's not going to see that, and you get to be happy. It's been well over two years since she left and you have to let her go, Derek." _

_Derek took a deep breath. He knew JJ was right. He couldn't imagine leaving Savannah, trying to go back to Emily and implore her to give a real life with him a shot, and then ending up with nothing. _

_As shitty as it was, he decided to move forward with Savannah. She felt like a consolation prize, and he hated that he thought that in the moment. Which was the reason why he went so far. He could have shown up at Savannah's work with a packed bag of hers and whisked her away on a vacation. Instead he presented her with the keys to a house so they could live together. _

"Come on, Mom. Let me take your things upstairs and show you the guest room."

Fran Morgan looked around the house. It was the day before Thanksgiving, and she'd flown out for the holiday to meet Savannah and see the house.

Derek took in his mom's face and knew what she was thinking, which was light years away from what he was thinking. It was a huge red flag that he ignored - the fact that a month previously he'd invited Savannah to live with him in the house he renovated, and had yet to have a single discussion with Savannah about kids. Yet he knew where Fran Morgan was going in her mind - that woman wanted her son happy, but she also would practically kill for grandchildren.

The inevitable question came when they got upstairs and his mom saw the master bedroom, the guest room and an office. "When are you going to fill this place up with something other than a guest bed and a computer?"

Derek laughed amicably at how well he knew his mom. But his answer was a non-committal, "Savannah is still very focused on her career."

When Thanksgiving was over, when he and Savannah had gotten through that first Christmas living together while her parents visited, Derek finally acknowledged the fact that he felt like he loved Savannah, but it still felt like he was just getting through.

* * *

It had been a year since she'd been abducted and tortured, and the dreams and visions that haunted her had become so frequent that she had a hard time blocking them out most days. Will knew something was wrong, but JJ was avoiding all conversation with him about it. Things were tense for her at work because of everything she was feeling and remembering, and just as tense at home, because of all she still wasn't saying.

JJ sat in her old office and slid the folder towards her, the folder of information on Tivon Askari that Spencer had gotten for her by requesting it from Emily. Spencer said he didn't tell Emily anything, but what Spencer didn't know and what JJ did was that his simple request to Emily wouldn't be simple at all.

JJ ignored the phone buzzing in her pocket off and on for almost an hour while she looked through the papers. Finally, she pulled it out of her pocket and saw seven missed calls from Emily, Emily who was calling when it was the middle of the night in London. With tears in her eyes, she called Emily back.

Emily answered before the first ring finished. "Jesus, Jayje. I'm freaking out here. What the hell is going on?"

JJ broke down at the sound of Emily's voice. "Can I come see you?" she gasped through tears.

"What's wrong? Of course. When?"

"I can't talk about it over the phone. I'll see if I can get a flight out tomorrow. Just for a couple of days. I'll tell Hotch I need some personal time. I'll tell Will...I don't know what I'll tell Will."

"Jayje, a last minute flight to London is going to cost a fortune and cause an avalanche of questions. Can you make it until Friday? If you can, I can make up some excuse to need to be at the Pentagon on Friday. I'll stay for the weekend. You can tell Will I'm in town and you want to visit."

JJ tried to control her breathing. Friday was two days away and felt like an eternity. "I can make it until Friday."

"I'll be there, JJ."

* * *

Emily barely arrived at her hotel room in DC before there was a knock on her door. The woman she saw on the other side of the door when she opened it was so different looking it caused her to inhale in shock; far worse than the version of JJ she found outside her studio in Madrid.

They didn't even make it out of the hallway in the hotel room. JJ stumbled forward as soon as the door was closed and collapsed into Emily's arms. Emily hugged her back and realized she wasn't going to get JJ into a different part of the room at that moment. She sank to the ground and took JJ with her and just held on and let JJ cry.

To say it went on for at least an hour was not an exaggeration. Whatever JJ was going through, she'd held onto it for a long time without saying anything, and Emily was the recipient of every reserved tear, so many that Emily found herself crying along with her friend even though she didn't fully understand what was going on.

When JJ finally was able to articulate words and told her about the visions and nightmares, Emily held on tighter and cried harder. She totally related, she'd just never let herself go this much with anyone to feel it at this level.

They finally got up and made it to the bed. This was a different type of broken; there was no pretending to be other people, nothing inappropriate given JJ's relationship. These were two best friends who held onto each other and let it all out together, in a hotel room that felt like a safe haven where they wouldn't be perceived as weak.

Emily wasn't sure who exhausted and fell asleep first, but she did know that she was the first to wake up the next morning. JJ was curled on her side, facing her. Her eyes were still puffy, her make up a mess. Emily knew she probably mirrored that look. They were both still in work clothes. Emily waited without moving, waited as dawn became a bright day and the hotel room filled with light. Finally, JJ blinked open her eyes.

"You stood in that bar a year ago, hugged Will and said, 'No more secrets,' but you've still held onto a couple. You have to tell him everything. The baby and even about Madrid. It's the only way out of this, JJ. I truly believe that. I completely understand why you don't want this to come out at work, but you can't hold that in and then go home and pretend and hold it in there, too. You need help, and you need an outlet. Will's going to be mad. He's going to be hurt. But not matter what he does with the information, you're going to be able to move forward. I really think it's the only way," Emily whispered softly.

JJ's blue eyes stared at her for a long time. "What if he leaves?"

"What if you don't tell him and he stays and you have to deal with what you've been feeling for years on end? You're not going to make it much longer like this, Jayje." Emily countered.

JJ considered that before finally nodding. "OK," she said softly.

They ordered room service and took turns showering. JJ tried to put herself back together as much as she could, but Emily watched her hands shaking slightly. She asked Emily if she'd come with her and Emily agreed. Emily watched from the passenger side of JJ's car as JJ went into the house. She watched JJ bring Henry over to the neighbor's house, and watched JJ walk back to her house. And then she waited for almost forty-five minutes, staring at the closed door of that house.

Emily watched as Will emerged, an angry expression on his face as he slammed the front door behind him. She watched Will stomp through the dusting of snow on the front walkway and hit the sidewalk. And Emily got out of the car with the intent of going into the house to comfort JJ, but at the last minute she changed her mind. She jogged and caught up to Will. He glanced at her once and the scowl on his face deepened, but she didn't stop keeping pace with him.

They walked for a long time in the cold, winter air and said nothing, and then Will's pace slowed, and his sweet, relaxed drawl spilled from his lips, "I don't know what to think. I want to talk, but you slept with my wife."

Emily closed her eyes for a second, a blush on her cheeks and shame in her heart. Her natural, defensive instinct was to say JJ and Will weren't married back then, but she knew that hardly mattered. She thanked the universe that Will was such as kind man. That first sentence could have been a hell of a lot worse.

"There's no excuse for what we did. I know that and JJ knows that. I thought my life as I knew it was over, and so did she. I was in Madrid and her job with the Pentagon was over and we actually thought we'd never see each other again. She was a mess, and I was a mess. I hope you can take some time and think about the absolute truth that I came back and we traveled on cases, she visited me in London, and she was with me last night figuring things out and nothing inappropriate has ever occurred since that one night in Madrid."

Will walked for a long time before speaking. "Do you love her?"

"More than you can possibly imagine as a friend. Will, I stuck in there with you when you were strapped to a bomb and refused to leave because I could never face JJ if I walked away. I did that because I knew how much she loved you."

Emily trudged next to Will while he contemplated that. "Was she happy? About the baby?"

"Very."

"When she came back and returned to the BAU, she went back on birth control. She said it was because she just wanted what we had and her career."

"I know," she responded softly.

"Do you think that's true?"

"Personally? No. But you'd have to ask her."

More walking and contemplation, and then, when they got to a corner, Will turned back in the direction of home.

"If I went back home now and told her I'd be willing to work on things if she never saw you again, she'd tell me to fuck off," he said quietly.

"I'm sure she would."

"That means I have to trust you," he said.

"No. You can trust me, but what that really means is that you have to trust her."

Will nodded at that. They walked in silence the rest of the way back. He didn't say anything when they arrived, but he turned to look at Emily. He gave her a nod. It was a nod of acceptance, a nod of wanting to understand.

Emily stood on the sidewalk and watched as the front door opened and JJ stood there. She watched JJ and Will stare at each other for awhile. And she watched Will finally step back in the house and wrap JJ in a hug.

It wasn't an instant fix by any stretch of the imagination, but it was a start. Emily felt confident that with time and work, Will and JJ could move forward from there. She started walking in the opposite direction, towards the Metro station, towards a train that would take her back to her hotel, a slight ache in her heart that had nothing to do with JJ, more about the lack of resolution or direction in her own life.

The next morning she answered the knock on her hotel room door and JJ stood there, looking much stronger - not great, but a lot better.

"What about you?" JJ asked.

"What about me?"

"When are you going to face the things you have to face so you can find the possibility of happiness?"

Emily shook her head. "It's a different situation, JJ. You were in a good space for a long time in your life, most of your adulthood. I never was. It's not something I have to face, it's just something I've accepted about me."

"I knew you'd say that. I'd hoped you wouldn't, but I knew you probably would. You're frustrating, but predictable, at least to me, and I know that makes me a pain in your ass. If you had to profile _you,_ you'd have a field day. And none of what you'd discover would be what you've told yourself in your head. I love you and I can't thank you enough for everything you've done for me and my family over the years, but your quiet, private self-deprecation is a pain in my ass, too, just so you know."

Emily stared at her, not quite sure what to say.

"You're dressed," JJ said. "Do you want to grab breakfast before your flight home?"

"That depends. Are you going to grill me?" asked Emily.

JJ smiled. "No. Though you're the reason why I've signed myself on for individual therapy and couple's counseling. I might kick your ass, but I've said what I wanted to say."

Emily grabbed her purse and closed the hotel room door. "You think you can kick my ass?"

"Don't tempt me, Prentiss."

Emily laughed. She needed to think about those words JJ said, but she laughed in that moment. It was hard not to, seeing that first piece of JJ fall back into place, the part that could manage a genuine smile. She didn't know how long JJ's smile had been missing, but if she had to guess, it had probably been a long time.

* * *

Derek tried with Savannah. He gave and he loved and it felt genuine in his heart most of the time. But by summer, after living with her for eight months, something was wrong; what he didn't know for sure was whether it was him or her. He blamed himself most of the time, but then, on rare occasions and for no reason he could pinpoint, he felt it was her.

August 2015 was a terrible month, one of those times that tended to happen about once a year or so with the BAU where there were several back-to-back cases that kept them all away from home for several long days at a time. Derek didn't bother explaining it to Savannah again, how he couldn't desert the team. JJ had told them a few weeks before that she was pregnant, and now JJ wasn't involved in a lot of their field work. He wouldn't leave the team that short-handed.

Those cases ended and he and Savannah seemed to regroup, but he felt like there was something off. He tried to mend it by planning a few date nights, but their first one was interrupted by a case as well. It felt like a cruel joke at first, but Derek eventually came to consider it fate.

Their case in Charleston, South Carolina was practically over before it started. He'd called Savannah that Friday morning and told her they were going to have to postpone their date night. They'd been living together over nine months at that point, and she'd stopped sounding disappointed by those phone calls about cases that interrupted their plans; she seemed almost numb to them.

They'd barely been in South Carolina for five hours before the case was over, though. And they flew back. He decided he'd surprise Savannah at work; her shift would be done in an hour and they could still go out to dinner.

He stopped on the way to the hospital and bought flowers. He smiled as he walked down the hall of the hospital towards her office. There was a light on, and he could hear muffled voices. He knocked.

The muffled sounds of scrambling and hissed whispers were the first thing that made his heart skip a beat.

The sound of a lock on the door unclicking several seconds later was the second.

The third skip of a beat came when a disheveled Savannah opened the office door, and there was a man in there with her. Another doctor by the looks of it. He looked equally as frazzled.

Derek looked between Savannah and the man. He saw the guilt in Savannah's eyes. He shoved the flowers at her and let go. She didn't reach for them, and they fell to the ground.

"Derek," she whispered sadly.

He didn't want to hear it. Not an apology, not an excuse about him being gone too much, not a lie. He turned on his heels. "Take the weekend to get out of my house."

"Derek," she called out again. He heard her footsteps coming up rapidly behind him, felt her reach for his arm and pull to stop him and turn him around.

He turned. "The funny thing is, if you had told me it wasn't working for you, this job and me being gone so much, I would have just let you go. I would have been sad, but I would have let you go. We could have at least been friends."

"Please, Derek," she pleaded with tears in her eyes.

He removed her hand from his arm and shook his head. "I'm changing the locks on Monday, Whatever of yours that's left in the house will be on the front lawn."

He turned again and walked down the hall. He heard her crying, but he didn't look back. And she didn't follow him.

It was only when he got in his car that he realized that beyond his hurt and anger, there was a sense of relief that it was over.

He didn't cry, and he didn't go home. He thought about going to Penelope's but didn't want to talk about it yet. He went to a hotel and he stayed the weekend. On Monday morning, he went back to the house, opening the front door and looking around. She'd taken her things. The house looked only partially decorated and lived in. She must have gotten people to help her. Anger surged in him at the idea that whomever that man was may have been in his house helping Savannah move out.

The locksmith arrived and changed the locks. Derek reprogrammed the garage door opener for good measure. He called Hotch and said he was taking a personal day, and asked to only call if there was a case.

He wandered through the house for a long time after the locks were changed, and then he found himself in the office staring at his safe. Derek had guiltily missed Emily's last birthday, but she never missed his. He opened the safe and sank to the floor in the office. He pulled out the first journal from when Emily was fourteen, almost fifteen. He'd never opened the package from over a year before, nor the one that had arrived a little over a month ago on his last birthday. He opened them now. He flipped through one journal and found it containing the years that Emily was college. And then next journal traversed the dates that Emily was at the FBI academy and Indiana, until she started at Interpol.

Derek leaned against the wall and picked up the first journal. He quickly glanced through the first entry that he still remembered, and then went onto the second.

_October 12, 1985_

_It's my fifteenth birthday and it didn't start out well, and I don't know what to think about how it ended. John showed up this morning to walk with me to school, but there was no Matthew. John said Matthew's mom told him he was sick._

_Sick usually means Matty's in one of his moods where he can't get out of bed and stares at the walls all day._

_John and I skipped school and instead waited in the bushes by Matthew's house until both of his parents left for the day. I climbed the trellis and knocked on Matty's window, but he wouldn't get out of bed no matter how much I knocked._

_I climbed down from the trellis and John shrugged, putting an arm over my shoulder. "He'll be better tomorrow, Emily."_

_He probably will be, but it made me sad, seeing Matthew like that. I like John, but I prefer Matthew's company. Matty is innocent and funny and kind. John's kind, too. But he's also daring and a little dangerous. It's funny that Mother thinks John is the better person for me to hang around with._

_I told John we should probably head to school, but he said it was my birthday and his house was empty. We ended up sharing a bottle of his mom's wine and listening to music in his room. And then John kissed me, which I wasn't expecting. We were all just friends. My head was spinning a little, but I didn't stop him. I kissed him back. And then I don't know what happened. My clothes were off and his clothes were off and he was on top of me. I told him I wasn't sure, and he was nice about it. He kissed me and laid down on his side next to me. He told me it was okay, that he'd never done it before either._

_And then I was curious. And it was John. I asked him if he had any condoms and he did. I'm not sure what it was supposed to feel like. There was pain and then it was over. I honestly didn't see what the fuss was about. But a couple of hours later we tried again and I understood a little better._

_But now I'm all shaky and nervous and I think it was a really big mistake. We decided not to tell Matty._

_December 21, 1985_

_Tonight was the Christmas party at the Embassy, and it was awful. Matty was in one of his moods. Not staring at the walls, but saying inappropriate things he shouldn't be saying, making comments about the adults there a little too loudly, enough to be overheard._

_John and I tried to take him outside to get him away from people, but then Matthew got angry. He ended up smashing a table full of glassware, and his parents took him home._

_Now Mother says I'm never to see him again, and that she'll be hiring a tutor after the holidays and I won't be returning to school._

Derek read and read, eventually moving to his desk. He forgot about food, he forgot the time, just completely absorbed himself in Emily's words. He sat in the chair in his office and read everything about how Emily got pregnant when she was fifteen, about her abortion, and about moving back to the United States, about high school and Jane. He moved onto the second journal and read about college. And then he moved onto the third journal and read right up to her first case with Interpol.

He had mixed feelings when he was done, equal parts shock and sadness. And something else that he couldn't quite name with a single word - he felt like he'd finally been a full participant in part of a journey with the woman he wanted to live a real journey with.

He grabbed a quick snack from the kitchen, noticing it was already dusk, realizing how long he'd read. He went straight to his laptop and started typing. He started with childhood memories he had before his father was shot. He knew it was going to take him weeks before he got through everything, but he intended to leave no stone unturned in his own past. He started bringing his laptop on flights, and when a case was over, he'd type. Every spare hour he had, he wrote.

JJ sat next to him on the plane after the second case where he brought his laptop. "Your fingers might fly off if you type any faster," she said softly.

He turned and looked at her. Something had shifted in JJ the past several months, a glow that he hadn't seen in a long time, a glow that came back to her face a few months before she got pregnant. He looked at her and knew he could trust her. For the first time, he said it out loud. "Savannah was having an affair. I don't know the details and I don't want to. She moved out."

JJ touched his arm and then leaned her head against his shoulder. "I'm sorry, Derek."

"It's okay. For my last three birthdays, Emily sent me one of her journals. They started when she was fourteen and went through her first weeks at Interpol. And now I'm writing to her about my life, so that on her birthday, I can send it to her. It's been interesting, typing it all out, saying things I've never told anyone. It's been good for me so far, but I haven't gotten to the really hard part yet."

JJ sat up straight so she could look at him, seemingly at a loss for words. "That must have been some interesting reading," she eventually said.

Derek smiled. "It was illuminating, that's for sure. And sad. Very sad a lot of the time. I understand her better now, though. She's been like this for a long time, with regards to relationships. It wasn't just because of her Interpol days. I don't know what I'm hoping to gain by sending this to her. It's just an equal sharing of our pasts, I guess."

JJ patted his hand. "She'll be happy to read it, I'm sure."

Derek took a breath and then asked quietly, "JJ, is the person Emily is seeing a man or a woman?"

"Does it matter?"

"Not at all, it's just not something I ever thought to consider or ask her before. I'm just curious."

JJ looked around the plane and found everyone absorbed or sleeping. "Female. and it's _was_ not _is._ Emily was seeing a woman for a long time, but they only saw each other a couple times a month because of their jobs…"

Derek's eyes opened at that news, and he saw JJ debating whether or not to say more. She leaned closer to him so she could whisper even more quietly. "I had kind of a breakdown last February. It's a long story I'll tell you a different time. But Emily flew to DC to see me because I was a mess and needed her. She did help me. A lot. And I sort of called her on her own shit a little bit before she left. She flew home after that and started seeing a therapist." JJ laughed. "I ended up in therapy, by myself and with Will as a result of Emily's visit and she texted me a picture of her therapist's business card a month later, with the message, 'I just want you to know if this doesn't go well, I'm blaming you.'"

Derek absorbed that information. "Is it going well?"

JJ patted his hand again, "That, my friend, you're going to have to ask her. I've said enough."

JJ picked up her book and started reading and Derek stared at his laptop. The journal he was writing seemed like a good first step to opening up some lines of communication again with Emily. He went back to his typing and saw JJ smile softly out of the corner of his eye.


	14. Chapter 14

"I think you're falling because your skates aren't tied tightly enough," said Derek.

Emily laughed and looked at his gloved hand that he held out to her. "No, I think I'm falling because I'm about as good at ice skating as I am at making at turkey."

It was Thanksgiving weekend, and Derek had flown to London. Ever since he'd sent Emily his life story on a ream of paper for her birthday, they'd been talking on the phone several times a week. At first, they both were emotional, talking about their pasts, and sharing their present. Then they started relearning each other. Ten days before Thanksgiving, when he said, "Maybe I could come and see you," the "OK" had fallen from her lips before she really processed it.

Emily reached for Derek's hand in that ice skating rink in London. This had been his idea, but she'd agreed. Her ass was cold, wet and bruised. And she was having a great time.

"The turkey wasn't that bad," said Derek with a smile when she was back up on her skates.

"Sure. It was fantastic. If you like choking on meat so dry it could be used for kindling." Emily grinned at him, grinned at the memory of the disaster that had gone on in her kitchen the a few nights before - how they'd both laughed themselves silly and ended up eating spaghetti and drinking wine, how they hadn't talked about a single serious thing, how he'd gently kissed her forehead before heading to bed in the guest room, and she'd lain awake for hours in her bed, thinking about him.

She hadn't been quite sure what to expect when he visited. She'd anticipated the possibility of awkward silences, she'd anticipated tears, she'd prepared herself for discomfort. She hadn't prepared herself for this - this warm, comfortable ease. He'd been there for three days and would be leaving tomorrow, and they were affectionate with each other in a way that bordered on just slightly more than friendly.

Reconnecting had been so easy it almost frightened her.

"Try it like this," he said to her. One arm went around her waist and the other held her hand. He started skating backwards and she found herself with a fluttering heart, looking in his eyes and gliding across the ice.

"How are you so good at this?" she asked.

"Ice skating? I grew up in Chicago. Ice hockey was a right of passage as a kid," he responded.

"Not skating," she said softly. "Living."

There were several stretched seconds of silence as he stared in her eyes and helped her move around the rink. "We're both good at it, Emily. We just have different ways of doing it. I'm like an amusement park and you're like a really deep piece of artwork. I'm right there in your face, and you're something that has to be analyzed."

She pondered those words. "Your way sounds more fun. I'm just not very good at it."

He smiled and held her more firmly against him. "You're doing a pretty good job of it right now."

Emily laughed. "If my bruised ass is any indication…"

They went back to her flat shortly after that. Emily went to change out of her wet clothing, pulling on comfortable, warm things, and realized this was the most relaxed she'd been in years. She made her way down the hall to the kitchen and found Derek warming up water for tea. In that moment, she acknowledged she liked it, more than she'd ever liked it before - someone being comfortable in her space.

"I'm really happy you came, Derek," she said softly.

He turned and stepped towards her. He placed his hand on her cheek and brushed a gentle kiss over her lips. She smiled and pulled back slightly. "I'm here in London and you're in Virginia, and I still don't think I can be the person you want me to be."

Derek's other hand moved to her other cheek, keeping her eyes on him. "If I had it to do over again, I would have never talked to you about kids like I did. I would have asked you what you wanted out of life. I would have let us grow into something naturally, no matter how slow we were going. I would have asked you more questions and really gotten to know you like I know you now, not through stories in your journals, but from things you told me. All I want is for you to be you, Emily. That's it."

"I'm still figuring out who that is."

Derek smiled, "I know. We all are in a lot of ways. I don't think it's something that just happens and then you're done. We evolve through life, our priorities change, our wants and needs and relationships change. With each change, we have to figure it out all over again. We could figure it out together, if you want."

Emily's head spun at those words; she didn't know what to think of them. It wasn't sustainable, being so far apart. And it didn't feel right, making Derek adjust what he wanted out of life for her. For the first time, though, another thought flitted through her mind - that if they could figure this out together, that if she didn't run away at the first uncomfortable situation, maybe what she wanted out of life would change, too. She couldn't be sure, but one thing she'd learned by going to therapy was that all the absolutes she used to feel were a rigid, integral part of her felt more malleable now.

"What does figuring it out together look like?" she asked softly.

"I really don't have a clue. We'll have to talk and be honest and just go with it."

Emily's heart was thudding in her chest, not about his physical proximity, but the emotional one. This wasn't something she had any experience with. She'd always sought out relationships that had no emotional strings attached, or relationships that had an end date. Even Tom Kohler; before Interpol came up she knew going into a personal relationship with him that it would end with her getting transferred eventually. What Derek was talking about, what she was thinking about, was something else. Over three years apart hadn't changed how they felt about each other, and this wasn't something with a definable end. She couldn't figure out if it felt like she was teetering on the edge of a cliff, or if it felt like flying. He was here telling her he wanted to give it a shot, even if they currently resided on two separate continents.

She looked into his eyes and she knew if she was going to take emotional risks she hadn't taken before, this was the man she could do that with. She smiled at him. "First ice skating and now just going with it? You are really pushing my boundaries today."

Derek laughed and kissed her again, and this time, her arms went around him and she didn't pull away. The tea kettle started whistling, and Derek stepped back towards the stove, a smile on his lips.

"I could come to DC for Christmas," she said quietly, and grinned as she watched his smile increase in size.

* * *

The case in Baltimore was brutal, and the absolute last thing the team wanted to be working two weeks before Christmas. Thomas Baley was a twenty-two year old who had been deserted by his adoptive parents when he was thirteen because the system wasn't helping them, and Thomas was very definitely disturbed. He'd been adopted out of the foster care system when he was two years old. Garcia dug up juvenile reports of him hurting his younger baby sister, a protective services case where the parents were originally accused of abuse, and they adamantly insisted it was Thomas. But no one seemed to believe them. Those parents had changed their names and disappeared with their daughter after driving nearly four hours from their home and pushing Thomas out of the car on the side of the road in Baltimore, just a few days before Christmas.

Thomas had spent the rest of his youth mostly in juvenile detention for smaller crimes, and then he turned eighteen and was in the wind for a long time.

A few days before the BAU got the call, entire families with foster children had been slain in their homes. The team was called in after the third case, the delay because all of the families had been discovered the same day. Autopsies and conversations with neighbors and friends lead them to the conclusion that each family had been murdered one after the other on consecutive nights.

It didn't take long for Garcia to find the connection between the families - they'd all attended a Christmas celebration as part of Our Hearts - a support group in Maryland for families with foster children. And it turned out Thomas was the photographer at that event, taking pictures with the families or children with Santa, collecting email addresses to send the families their pictures, using that information to find the families that fit his victim profile, families with a much older child and a much younger sibling.

They'd tracked Thomas down and arrested him. They'd gathered their things at the Baltimore field office and returned to headquarters.

And JJ was sitting in her old office staring at a picture. When Garcia first made the connection about the Our Hearts Christmas party, Hotch had assigned everyone else to go to crime scenes, but had asked JJ to stay and help Garcia. They'd gone to Our Hearts. They were granted access to the group's password-protected website. They flipped through pictures from the event that were posted, looking for clues, looking for families that fit the victim profile.

JJ had almost missed it. Almost. She flipped past the picture, her brain processing something faster than her eyes recognized it. Her heart skipped a beat. She flipped back. There, in the background of a picture, was a young girl.

JJ knew Henry looked like her, but in a lot of ways they had more generic features. Emily had some unique features, and the little girl in this picture had them all. From the raven hair, to the shape of the face, to the eyes, the nose and the smile, the girl in the picture looked exactly like a younger version of Emily. JJ had quietly printed that picture and put it in her bag.

She was curious. Emily's daughter had been born in Philadelphia, not Baltimore. But people moved. And it had been a private adoption; no reason why a couple from Maryland wouldn't make the drive to Philadelphia to adopt a baby. But then why would she be at an event for foster children? Maybe her parents had taken in another child from the foster care system? Or maybe the features of that young girl were just a coincidence, but JJ couldn't stop looking at her face.

A knock on the office door startled her from her thoughts. She quickly pulled the picture off the desk. "Come in."

"Hey," said Garcia with a smile. "What are you doing in here?"

JJ put her hand on her bulging stomach. "Just getting a few moments of quiet."

Garcia smiled at her. "Hotch told us to go home. We're talking about going out for lunch. You in?"

JJ shook her head. "No, thanks. I'm beat. I'm just going to head home."

"OK, mama. Get some rest. Can I bring Henry his Christmas gift this weekend?"

"Gift?" asked JJ with a smile.

"OK, gifts, plural."

JJ laughed. "Of course you can bring them."

Garcia nodded and left the office and JJ stood. She walked out of the building and to her car, telling herself she should leave well enough alone and just go home. But thirty minutes later, when the exit to her house was coming up, she bypassed it. She kept driving towards Baltimore.

Whoever she was, JJ just wanted to know this little girl was okay. And if she was okay, JJ vowed she'd let it go completely.

Elizabeth Ryan, the director of the program, was just coming out the door of the Our Hearts office when JJ pulled up.

"Agent Jareau," she said in surprise. "I'm just on my way to a vigil for one of the families."

JJ nodded sadly. "I'm sorry. I just had one quick question." JJ pulled the picture out and pointed. "Do you know this girl?"

Elizabeth looked and sighed. "Madeleine Bedford. Maddie. It's amazing someone caught a picture of her smiling."

JJ's heart skipped a beat. "What do you mean?"

"Maddie's been through the ringer the past couple of years. Her family moved here from Philadelphia when Maddie was six, I believe. Her father was a point guard for the University of Maryland back in college, and Maddie grew up with a basketball in her hand from what I understand. She was an all star on a junior travelling team, and after a tournament one weekend when Maddie was eight, they were all driving home and got in an accident involving a big rig truck. The parents died instantly, but Maddie, by some miracle, pulled through. There was no other family, except for a grandmother in a nursing home, so Maddie was put into our foster care system."

"Where is she now?" asked JJ as her heart knocked around in her chest.

"Why? Is she in some sort of danger?"

"No, she's not in danger. I'm just trying to help solidify the case against Thomas Baley, and in the pictures we saw from your event, Madeleine was around one of the families a lot that day. I just wanted to talk with her, if I could, to see if she saw or heard anything," JJ lied smoothly.

"Her social worker would be a more appropriate person to talk to. Come inside. I can grab her card for you and then I really must get going."

After Elizabeth left, JJ sat in her car and stared at the social worker's card for a long time. Then she looked at the picture again and tried to convince herself she was crazy. She started her engine and headed back towards DC.

* * *

After lunch, Derek went home and flopped on the couch. This case had been too much, one of those where they all tried to act normal when it was over, but they'd all quietly live with memories and emotional repercussions for awhile. Cases involving murdered families and children were always the most difficult.

He almost called Emily, but he didn't want to drag her down with the story of the case. They talked on the phone several times a week, and she'd be at his house in ten days. Derek smiled at the thought. He wasn't quite sure how it all was eventually going to settle between the two of them, but he was hopeful.

Derek turned on the TV for background noise and allowed his eyes to close. He was just falling into a deep sleep when he was roused by knocking on his front door. He stood and stumbled, slightly foggy.

"JJ," he said in surprise when he opened his front door. "What are you doing here? Garcia said you didn't come to lunch with us because you were exhausted and heading home."

"Can I come in?" she asked.

Perplexed by JJ's obvious nervousness, Derek nodded. "Of course."

JJ walked in and sat on his couch. "I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing here. You need to stay calm and rational. Actually, I'm hoping you're going to tell me it's impossible and I'm nuts."

Derek sat down next to JJ. "What are you talking about?"

"Calm and rational?" JJ asked.

"Got it. What the hell is going on?"

"I know Emily told you about the baby," she said softly.

He watched JJ reach into her bag and pull out a picture, which she handed to him. Instantly, he felt like someone had punched him in the chest and the wind was knocked out of him. It was hard to breathe.

"How?" he finally whispered, never taking his eyes off the picture.

"I saw the picture when we were investigating the case. What I really want is for that to be a random girl who happens to look a lot like Emily. I want Emily's biological daughter safe and happy with her adoptive family, and I want us to be able to pretend like we never had this conversation…"

"But?" asked Derek.

"But that little girl is Madeleine Bedford, her family was from Philadelphia originally, her parents were killed in a car crash two years ago, and according to the director of Our Hearts, the last two years have not been good to Maddie. She's currently in a group home. And I don't know what exactly is the right thing to do."

* * *

"Agent Morgan?"

"Ms. Zucchoni? Thank you for agreeing to meet with me." Derek shook the hand of Madeleine's social worker.

"Rose is fine," she said with a smile.

She looked like many social workers he'd seen over the years - warm, kind and exhausted. Derek waited for her to take a seat at the table in the coffee shop before he sat down.

"Would you like some coffee?" he asked.

"No, thank you. I've had my fair share today already. You were working the case here in Baltimore?" she asked.

Derek nodded. "I was. I'm very sorry."

"It's been terrible. I knew a couple of the kids, but none of them were on my caseload. From your message, I understand you wanted to talk about Maddie Bedford, who _is_ on my caseload. May I ask you why?"

Derek had thought up this story on the drive to Baltimore. He kept his face pleasant, his voice warm and sincere. "Two reasons. One is that I'd like your permission to see Maddie. She was around one of the victims a lot at the Our Hearts event, from the pictures we saw. She may have heard or seen something that could help solidify the case against Thomas Baley."

Derek paused and lowered his voice. "The second reason is because you have to understand that in my job, we encounter and leave behind a lot of kids who were either already part of or become part of the foster care system. I have a long list of kids I check up on every one or two months. When I came across Maddie's picture as part of the investigation, it reminded me a lot of a little girl we weren't able to help, and I was curious. It almost made me think there was a sibling out there we didn't know about. We were given the afternoon off, so I called you."

Rose nodded at him in understanding. "I imagine we've both seen our fair share of situations and images we can't get out of our head." She reached into her bag and pulled out a folder before continuing. "Madeleine Bedford, born October 28, 2005. I know Maddie was adopted as part of a private adoption when she was a newborn. She knows that, too. I never came across anything that would indicate there was a sibling out there, but I probably wouldn't have given the circumstances. You can talk to her if you'd like, but you should know what you're getting into. She doesn't really open up to adults much anymore."

Derek raised his eyebrow, sadness and dread filling him. "What happened to her?"

Rose opened her folder and picked up a picture of Madeleine, handing it to Derek. He had to get his emotions under control quickly, because this much closer and clearer picture of Maddie's face was enough to make him feel like he would fall right out of his chair. In the picture she was smiling brightly, her hair pulled back in a ponytail, a MVP basketball trophy in her hand.

"That picture was taken about a month before her parents were killed in a car accident." Rose reached in her folder and pulled out another picture. "And this is Maddie now, from this year's school picture."

There was no smile there. There was little expression at all. The features were slightly more mature, making her look even more like Emily, but this little girl looked like she hadn't seen happiness in a long time.

Derek looked at Rose and Rose continued speaking. "Madeleine barely made it after the car accident, but she pulled through in the end. Her only relative was a grandmother with advanced Parkinson's and a myriad of other health issues. We placed her in a temporary home for kids who are ill or injured. She did okay there, went to therapy. Then I found her a permanent placement, a family who was interested in adopting her. Maddie was still sad about her parents, but she was adjusting and seeming to do okay. Four months into the process with that family when she was just getting more stable and comfortable, before the adoption was finalized, the mom got pregnant. With twins. They'd tried for years to get pregnant and they felt like having Maddie along with twins would be too much. I tried to offer them extra support and counseling to keep Maddie there, but they ultimately relinquished her back to the system."

He stared at the pictures and shook his head. "And then?"

"Maddie shut down. She doesn't trust people anymore and won't let them get close. I've found her two other placements that she's essentially sabotaged by being difficult and defiant. She cuts school sometimes and sneaks out. I don't know where she goes and she won't tell me. She hasn't gotten in trouble with the law yet, but I'm worried that time is coming. Her last placement fell through a few months ago and she's been at the group home since then. She seems to like it there a little better because she knows the woman who runs the home isn't interested in adopting her. It's more like a teacher/student relationship instead of a parent/child relationship. She's still cutting school on occasion, though."

"Does she have an attachment disorder?"

Rose shook her head. "No, I don't believe so. She's smart, and I think she's read about them. She knows how to play to certain qualities of attachment issues in order to push adults away. But every once in awhile, you can catch her actually caring, especially about the younger kids in the group home. She's just got walls around her, and I can't get them to come down, nor can the numerous therapists we've tried."

* * *

Mrs. Murphy, the woman who ran the group home, seemed friendly, and the house was clean and warm. But when she pointed out the back door in the direction of where she said he could find Madeleine Bedford, she sighed. "Good luck. She's a tough one."

Derek went to the back door and opened it. He grinned as he watched Maddie using a snow shovel and finish scraping a patch of snow on the concrete. She'd cleared an area for herself under a basketball hoop. Derek watched as she picked up the ball and started dribbling.

He made his way down the path and stepped into the cleared area just as Maddie went up for a shot. He jumped and rebounded the ball.

"Hey!" she shouted.

"Hey, yourself," said Derek as he tossed the ball back to her.

Madeleine stared at him. This little girl was one hundred percent Emily Prentiss; he couldn't find Ian Doyle anywhere on her face. He found himself fighting back the urge to cry.

She started dribbling the ball again, watching him out of the corner of her eye. She went in for a layup and easily made the shot. "The younger kids are inside. They're the ones people are interested in," Maddie said harshly.

Derek stepped in front of her and started guarding her, seeing the challenge in Maddie's eyes. He laughed when she faked left and then spun, easily making her way around him and taking a jump shot that was nothing but net.

"I'm not interested in the other kids here. I'm actually an FBI agent. My name is Derek. I wanted to ask you some questions about the Our Hearts Christmas party you went to a couple weeks ago."

Maddie passed him the ball and moved to guard him. She was fast as lightening, smacking the ball from his hands when he started dribbling. "Nice," he said, and her lips curved into something that looked like a smile before she caught herself.

Madeleine retrieved the ball and held it against her side with one arm, contemplating him. "You mean you want to talk about that creepy elf with the camera who murdered my friend Jackie and her family. I stayed away from him."

"I'm sorry. I didn't know she was your friend," said Derek.

"Shit happens," said Maddie, but she turned away from him then and faced the basketball hoop instead, dribbling the ball. He watched her use her free hand to wipe her eyes with the sleeve of her jacket.

"But things like that shouldn't happen, and I'm sorry you lost a friend."

He watched Maddie shrug. "You're not going to tell me I shouldn't swear?"

"Did you swear? I didn't notice." he asked.

Madeleine turned and raised an eyebrow at him, then tossed him the ball again.

"How about a game of HORSE," Derek said. "Except instead of getting a letter for missed shot, you answer a question."

"Only if you answer a question when you miss a shot."

"Deal."

Derek took a shot and made it, then Maddie came and stood in the same spot, easily making the shot. When Maddie took her turn and made a shot from a different angle, Derek purposely put a little too much muscle behind his shot so it bounced off the rim.

"Darn. OK, Maddie. Go ahead. What's your question?"

She turned to stare at him. "Why did you purposely miss the shot?"

Derek laughed and shook his head. "That obvious, huh? I missed it so we could start talking."

"I told you I don't know anything. I didn't really hang out with Jackie or anyone that day. I kept to myself most of the time. I didn't want to be there anyway. Gingerbread houses and Christmas ornaments and Santa Clause," Maddie huffed out a disgusted laugh and shook her head.

She handed the ball back to Derek and he made a couple of spin moves and used his left hand to loft the ball in the hoop. When Maddie tried to mimic him, her shot almost went in before rimming out. She groaned.

"My turn. Do you play basketball in school?"

Maddie shook her head. "There's no team in elementary school. Next year, when I start sixth grade, I can try out."

"What about a club team?" asked Derek.

"That's two questions," said Maddie sternly.

Derek grinned. "True."

"No one is going to take the time to drive a foster kid to club team practices and tournaments," Maddie replied anyway.

She stepped up onto a pile of snow and made a long distance shot. That time, Derek didn't try to miss it, but the ball didn't go in.

"What do you do for the FBI?" asked Maddie.

"I'm what's called a profiler. I look at behavior and try to solve crimes."

Maddie stared at him before nodding.

They played a couple more rounds, both of them making their shots. Derek made a fade-away shot, and Maddie's bounced off the front of the rim.

"Your social worker says you ditch school a lot. Where do you go?" asked Derek.

She shook her head at him, like he blew it. "Profile this," said Maddie. She picked up her ball and started stalking back towards the house.

"Sorry, Maddie," he called out. "Come back. I'll ask an easier question."

"Game over," she shouted. She didn't stop, just kept walking. Derek watched the back door open and then slam shut as Maddie went inside.

He texted JJ and told her to hang tight and he'd meet her at the office around 9:30 the next day.

The next morning, after a night of almost no sleep, Derek headed out early, hoping that his question would prompt Maddie to ditch school. He wanted to see what kind of trouble she got into during the day and just how deep this girl was into an angry depression that led to poor decisions. All night, he'd tried to stay objective, tried to figure out if he was doing the right thing. The bottom line was that the idea of any child feeling unwanted made him sad, but the idea that this was likely Emily's biological daughter suffering like this cut him right down to his soul.

He went back to the group home and parked his car on the street a few doors down. He watched Madeleine emerge from the house bundled in a coat. He noticed her looking over her shoulder and acting put out and disgruntled about taking the younger kids in the home to school. But when she saw Mrs. Murphy go back into the house, Maddie put her arm around the shoulder of the littlest boy and gave him a brief hug. She smiled and talked to them.

Derek followed her on the walk to school and watched her walk the little kids safely to school doors before backing up. She melded into a busload of kids unloading in the front of the school, and Derek only barely caught her emerge from that crowd and turn the corner.

She got on a city bus a couple blocks away and Derek followed the bus. And then he watched Maddie get off a few miles later and parked his car, getting out to follow her on foot. They weren't in a particularly bad area of town, but he was worried about what Maddie was up to. He kept a safe distance and watched as Maddie made her way up the path to New Horizons Acute Care Center. It looked like a converted house. Derek hung back and watched as Maddie went to a drain pipe on the building and climbed her way up to the second floor. She walked along the roof and went to a window, kneeling in front of it and putting her gloved hand against the glass.

If he had to guess, Madeleine Bedford's grandmother was on the other side of that window. Derek blinked back tears; he'd been prepared for the worst and all he saw was a little girl who'd lost her parents, lost a potentially permanent foster family, and missed her ill grandmother, the only family she had left. She just didn't want anyone to know she had any feelings left.

Derek didn't want to startle her. While she was facing the window, Derek walked up to the building near the drain pipe and waited. And waited. He finally heard movement on the roof and jumped a little when a whispered voice said, "Yo, Creep-o FBI man. I'd tell you not to quit your day job, but I'm pretty sure this is your day job. Newsflash. Glass is reflective. I saw you walking up the driveway in the reflection of the window up here."

Derek laughed. "Maybe I wanted you to see me."

"Yeah, right. So I'm just going to stay up here until you leave. Even if I freeze to death. I'm not coming down to talk, if that's what you're after."

Derek moved away from the wall. He wanted to coax her down and get her back to school, but Maddie had been doing this for a long time, and right now he just wanted to get her to trust him, even a little. "OK, Maddie. I'll go. But I'm going to leave you one of my cards right here on the ground. The next time you want to visit your grandmother, give me a call. I travel a lot for work, but we can make a time. I can bring you and you can go inside and actually see her." He moved and started walking away.

"You're not going to tell anyone where I go, are you?" she asked in a worried voice.

"I wasn't planning on it," he called back without turning around. He waited until he was nearly to the end of the driveway before he risked a glance backward. Maddie was standing on the ground now, looking at his business card. He grinned.

* * *

JJ was watching out for Derek in the bullpen. When he finally came through the elevator doors, he saw her right away and moved his chin towards his office.

Once they were both inside and the camera was off, Derek started talking. He told JJ every detail, and by the end, JJ couldn't quite blink back the tears in her eyes.

"October 28, 2005?" asked JJ.

"That's what the social worker said," said Derek.

"That's the date Emily told me," JJ whispered.

Derek nodded. "And I'm pretty sure I know the alias Emily was using when she gave birth, but I decided on the drive over that we shouldn't ask Garcia. I need to go to London and talk to Emily, and if she wants more irrefutable proof, she can make the call to ask Penelope."

"What if she doesn't want any proof at all, Derek? What if she gets mad and tells you to leave? What if she refuses to come back? She's going to be here in nine days anyway. Should we wait?"

Derek shook his head. "That's why I need to go. Because I want her to know it's okay with me if she doesn't come back, that I'll respect whatever she chooses. But I can't wait for her to get here and hijack her with the information, that would be worse. Telling her at all is bad, but not telling her given the situation would be awful. I couldn't live with myself. Could you? Could you keep that secret from her forever?"

JJ stared at him and thought about that. He was right. This had happened. It was either a blessing or a curse that she'd seen that picture, but this was the result. Now that they had the information, neither of them could lie by omission to Emily about it. It would be terribly wrong, no matter how angry Emily got or how much it scared her.

"Maybe I should go, Derek," she said softly. "You and Emily are just getting back to someplace really good and this could ruin it."

"The fact that we're getting back to someplace good is exactly why I have to be the one who tells her, Jayje. I can do this the right way. I can make sure Emily knows that I love her no matter what she does with the information."

JJ watched as Derek pulled his laptop towards him, looking for flights.


	15. Chapter 15

Emily heard her phone ringing and woke up. Her neck was stiff. For the first time in years, she'd gotten a small Christmas tree and decorated it, even though she'd be in DC for Christmas. She'd wrapped the presents that she'd be packing in a suitcase in a week. She'd fallen asleep on her couch the night before looking at the tree lights and the presents underneath it, feeling content.

She sat up and groaned and looked at her phone. It was just after eight o'clock on Saturday morning, and Derek was calling. She smiled when she saw his name on the caller ID.

"Hey," she answered the phone softly.

"Did I wake you? I'm sorry," he responded.

"No. I mean, yes, but it's okay. I needed to get up anyway. How are you?" Emily became fully conscious. "Wait. Derek, it's three o'clock in the morning in Virginia. Are you okay?"

"I'm okay, Em. I'm just not in Virginia."

"Oh. Where are you?" she asked.

Emily startled at the soft knock at her door, and then suddenly felt nervous and a little faint. She didn't say anything on the phone, but stood and walked to her front door, looking through the peephole. Sure enough, Derek Morgan was standing there.

Her first thought as she quickly undid the lock on her door was that something terrible had happened to someone on the team, so terrible he didn't want to tell her over the phone. So terrible it couldn't wait eight days until she flew there. With a nervous heart she opened the door.

"Is everyone okay?" were the first words out of her mouth.

Derek smiled softly. "They're all fine, Emily. Everyone's good."

Emily breathed in relief, then looked at him perplexed. "Then what are you doing here, Derek?"

Derek stepped inside the flat, set down his bag and closed the door. He wrapped his arms around Emily and held on tightly and Emily, still so confused and worried and happy to see him all at the same time, slowly moved her arms and hugged him back.

"Come sit down, Em," he said softly.

She let him guide her to the couch and Derek put his bag on the floor and sat down right beside her. He put his arm around her and pulled her against him, kissing the top of her head. Her heart was beating wildly, the possibilities for this visit swirling in her head. He was going to tell her he was moving to London, or he was going to tell her he was giving Savannah another chance and Emily shouldn't come for Christmas.

"What is going on?" she whispered.

He moved his arm and took her hand in his, encouraging her to turn and face him on the couch, gathering her other hand in his when she did. And then she actually had the crazy, fleeting thought that Derek was going to ask her to marry him. She couldn't find any reasonable context as to why Derek would be there so early on a Saturday morning, had obviously flown all night to London, without telling her he was coming.

"Derek?"

"Emily. We had a case. When we were investigating, JJ came across a picture. She asked a few questions and we learned more about the little girl in the picture."

Her head knew instantly where Derek was going, even though her heart was having a hard time keeping up or believing it. She started shaking her head at him, not wanting him to continue.

"Her name is Madeleine Bedford. She was born at Mercy Hospital in Philadelphia on October 28, 2005."

Emily pulled away from him and stood then, her legs shaking and everything spinning. "I don't want to know another detail, Derek!" she hissed.

Her stomach rolled. She couldn't believe he would do this to her, couldn't believe JJ would tell him she'd found the picture, let alone let him come to London. She ran to her bathroom, thinking she was going to throw up, but was able to swallow it back. She splashed cold water on her face instead and took some deep breaths. Her hands were shaking and she couldn't get a grip on herself. He was opening Pandora's box, and she wanted it to stay firmly shut forever.

Emily looked at herself in the mirror and saw Derek's reflection as he stood just outside the doorway. "How could you do this to me?" she asked bitterly.

She turned and closed the bathroom door, shutting him out. She'd told JJ about the baby to give her something, some empathy JJ needed. She'd told Derek so he would understand that her resistance to the idea of kids wasn't because she didn't love him. She'd told them both how she'd gotten pregnant, and that she'd given the baby up for adoption, but she'd never, ever spoken about those months she was pregnant, and the horrible days right after she gave birth when she almost gave up on herself. She'd kept those locked down; when thoughts of that time occasionally entered her mind, she banished them quickly. And now they were all bubbling back up to the surface.

Her teeth were chattering. How could they do this to her?

Derek's voice reached her through the door, thick and sad and worried. "Her name is Madeleine Bedford and her adoptive parents died in a car accident two years ago. She's currently living in a group home. She looks exactly like you, Emily. Ian Doyle is nowhere on her face."

The only sound in the bathroom was her ragged breathing. That's why he'd come, and why JJ probably agreed to the plan, because Madeleine Bedford wasn't somewhere being cared for by her adoptive parents. Because JJ had discovered that and she and Derek both knew telling Emily might feel wrong, but they thought not telling her would be a worse wrongdoing.

She sank to the ground on the bathroom floor, pounding her fists on the bath mat. She'd survived all of this because she thought her daughter was being loved and cared for. And that wasn't the case anymore. A war waged inside her between letting Carla Englen, that pregnancy and the birth, come to the surface, or keeping her pushed down, kicking Derek out and emotionally running away and burying her head in the sand.

She heard a sound and it startled her, and then she realized it was coming from inside her, a deep cry that didn't sound like a cry at all, but a thousand shards of glass breaking around the walls she always thought were so sturdy and made of steel.

He was there then. The door opened and he was there on the bathroom floor next to her, his body surrounding hers, his strong arms holding her. "It would have been wrong not to tell you, Emily," he whispered, "I love you and respect you no matter what you do with the information. You have no obligation here at all. I didn't come here to tell you what you should do; I came here because it was a complete miracle that JJ came across her picture at all, and then when we learned about where Maddie was at, it would have been awful and impossible to keep it from you."

And she cried. She cried and let it all come back, all the frightening, sad, excruciating memories. She was kneeling on the bathroom floor and leaning forward, and the words spilled from her lips through gasps and cries.

"When JJ first took me to Paris, and then left, and I was alone, I got depressed for a few days. I was a slob and I cried all the time, and I was disgusted with myself because it reminded me of when I was fifteen. But that's not really the worst I've ever been Derek; I just blocked that time out. I completely let the person who gave birth to that baby girl go because I had to in order to live."

She took a few deep, shuddering breaths and she could feel Derek trying to pull her up in his arms, but she couldn't move, couldn't face him. "The first month in Philadelphia was okay, but then I really started showing and I started to feel her kicking. And she kicked all the time, almost like she knew I was just trying to get through the pregnancy and then forget her, and she didn't want to be forgotten. I forced myself to be completely disconnected from the pregnancy, from my body. I became an expert at going somewhere else in my mind. I didn't look at my body in mirrors. I kept my hair the same color it was when I was in with Doyle so I didn't really look like myself when I saw my face in any reflection."

She heard Derek gasping, felt his tears on the side of her face mixing with her own. "I"m sorry, Emily. You don't have to talk about this," he whispered. But she shook her head. She couldn't stop now.

"She was due on November sixth. On October twenty-seventh I ate lunch and went to take a nap. I got up around one o'clock in the afternoon to go to the bathroom and my water broke. I'd never been so scared in my life, but I pushed the fear aside. I was so practiced at being emotionally removed from the pregnancy at that point that I thought I could get through the delivery without fear; that I could even block out the pain. I managed the fear part pretty well, but not the pain."

Emily closed her eyes, thinking it would block out the images of what came next, but the story played out behind her eyelids in technicolor. "The hardest part, though, was not the delivery. The part I never thought about was what came next. I thought I'd leave the hospital and be done, but I bled for over a week, and it took forever for my milk to dry up. It was almost easier to pretend I had no attachment to her at all when she was inside me, but living with the post-pregnancy after effects with her gone was awful. I spent ten days in an apartment in Philadelphia crying constantly. The worst was the fourth day after I gave birth. I was sitting on the toilet my apartment, bleeding, and watching milk just drip and drip out of me. Giving her up was the right thing to do, but I thought it would be easier than having an abortion, and it was so much harder. Because I knew she was out there. I couldn't even contemplate a version of me that could possibly move on from that moment, but I got myself together a few days later. I flew back to DC. I threw away everything associated with Carla Englen, and I blocked it out until there came a point that I really didn't feel like it had happened to me at all."

She sobbed and, sapped of any energy, she finally let Derek gather her in his arms. He'd been in her flat thirty minutes at most, she'd had a decent night's sleep, but all she wanted to do was close her eyes. The emotional exhaustion overwhelmed her.

* * *

Emily could tell that a couple hours had passed by the way the light was filtering in her bedroom windows. At first she thought she'd dreamed the whole thing, but she felt Derek's body behind her on the bed and his arms holding her. She wasn't sure if she'd fallen asleep in the bathroom, or had passed out; she had no memory of how she got in bed. He must have carried her.

She acknowledged the truth in that moment, that his strong arms would keep holding her, no matter what she said, no matter what she thought, no matter what her past looked like, no matter what she did in this situation.

Her heart was beating loud enough that she could hear it, and her voice when she spoke cracked, like she'd been yelling for hours. "She looks like me?" she asked quietly.

His arms squeezed her and she felt his lips on the back of her head. "Exactly like you, Em."

She felt his arm move and then there was a picture in front of her, face down, held in his hand.

Her hand shook as she reached out towards the picture. Taking a deep breath, she grabbed the edge and took it from him. She closed her eyes and flipped the picture over so it was in front of her face. Then, very slowly, she opened her eyes. And found herself staring at...herself.

It was unreal, completely unbelievable how much Madeleine looked exactly like she did at the age of ten. Tears swam in her eyes. Derek was right, she couldn't find Ian Doyle on her face at all. She felt Derek kiss her shoulder and tighten his hold on her. "Everyone calls her Maddie," he whispered. She reached out and traced Maddie's face with her fingertip.

Picture clutched in one hand, she turned in his arms to face him. His gentle fingers brushed away the tears on her cheeks and then his lips were on her eyes and face. "I love you," he whispered over and over between kisses.

She felt his warmth filling her. She didn't think it was possible to feel so lost and so secure at the same time. She didn't think it was possible to feel this secure and safe at all, but with his arms around her, that's exactly how she felt.

"What now, Derek?" she whispered.

"That's up to you. No matter what you decide, I think for your own sake you have to stop pretending she never happened. She did. She came from you and she's a beautiful ten year old girl now. I think you have to tell yourself that no matter how awful that time in your life was, you fought for your child. You fought by carrying her and giving her up for her own safety and well-being at the time. And you have to stop thinking you aren't very good at living, because you are. You're the strongest person I know. And Maddie's a lot like you, Emily."

She'd felt herself get teary again while he was speaking, but that last sentence brought her up short. "You've seen her?"

Derek nodded.

Emily fought the urge that rose within her, to shut down and shut herself off from him, from this whole situation. She moved her hand to look at Maddie's face again before looking back at Derek. "Tell me."

Derek rolled onto his back and Emily rested her head on his chest. She listened to him tell her what he knew about Maddie, listened to every nuance of his voice, listened to the timbre of the vibrations of his words against her cheek. She cried on his chest and he held onto her. And the one word she couldn't quite accept, that scared her to the point that she knew her knees would buckle if she was standing, that kept rattling inside her head was _mine. _

When Derek was finished talking, he laid there silently, running his fingers through her hair. Emily took several deep breaths, trying to find any words at all. She shut her eyes and stopped thinking, and just let the words fall without trying to block them.

"As her biological mother who gave her up, do I even have a shot at taking her now?"

She felt Derek's hand still in her hair. "Maybe. I called a social worker I know, someone totally removed from this situation, and asked her the question hypothetically. It's not an automatic, Em. Not at all. You'd have to go through the process of becoming a foster parent first, but that could be rushed given your background with law enforcement. Still, given Maddie's age, she'd have some say in the matter. Maddie's barely hanging on as it is, and you could be good for her or bad for her. I think you'd be the best thing for her, but how she feels about it would play a part."

Emily thought she knew the answer to her next question, but she asked it anyway, squeezing her arm around Derek's waist as the words spilled from her lips. "If she doesn't want me, or if I decide I can't do this, are you going to try to take her in?"

"No."

The response was quick and absolute, and the opposite of what Emily expected to hear. She raised herself up to look at him.

Derek reached his other arm forward and ran his thumb over her eyebrow. "I'm going to make sure she's safe, I'm going to fight for her and be there for her as much as she wants me around, but if you can't do this, then I can't do this. I care about Maddie and it breaks my heart that she's suffering, but whatever happens next is your choice and Maddie's, if it comes to that. I'm here to love _you_, Em. Unconditionally, no exceptions."

Emily took in gulps of air. She'd told him over three years ago, on the couch in this very flat, that she didn't even know what love was before him. And she knew in that moment that she was wrong. She didn't know was love was at all, until just a few seconds before as Derek spoke.

She sank her head back down against his chest and thought. _Can I do this? Can I even try? _And she knew the answer. She could, with his love and support, if she just opened herself up to it.

"I'm so scared," she whispered, "but we need to book flights back to DC. I don't want to wait a week."

Both of Derek's arms came around her then and hugged her. She felt his kiss on her head, and heard the thickness of tears in his voice as he said, "When I booked my flight here, I booked two seats back for tomorrow morning at nine. Just in case."

She knew the road ahead of her would be frightening, but she stopped thinking about herself as a separate, lost entity in that moment. It was _them. _

Moving her head towards his and kissing him was easy; the avalanche of real emotions that cascaded around her and through her the second her lips touched his were unexpected. She closed her eyes and opened her mouth slightly, tilting her head and deepening the kiss.

She rolled her body so she was on top of him and kissed him again, her hands moving from his face, to his neck, to his chest, sighing as his tongue touched hers, as their mouths dueled in a soft and warm competition to show each other how much love there was between them.

She needed this, when she was completely open and emotionally vulnerable and still wanting him more than wanting to hide. When it wasn't about her leaving or being gone, but about her coming home, whatever the road looked like.

Their clothing came off slowly and clumsily, neither one of them willing to stop kissing each other to speed up the process. This time, it was Emily who slowly took the time to explore and kiss Derek's body, her love for him deepening, her excitement growing as he responded to her touches.

She'd done this with more people than she'd like to admit to, but this was the first time it ever felt real, where nearly every story that made up her life was an open book to this man, and he still loved her. Derek's eyes never left hers as she straddled him and slowly sank down on him.

The first time they'd done this, it was in his office, under harsh fluorescent lighting that cast a sad irony over the bleakness that Emily knew was coming. The second time was a quiet goodbye in the dark that she thought would be forever.

But this - with the sunlight filtering in her room and a goodbye nowhere on her horizon - this was something else entirely.

It felt like every person she'd ever pretended to be in her life was right there with her in that moment, whispering in her ear that this, that Derek, and whatever the unknown future held, was right. Those voices of people who weren't and were her at the same time urged her to not run away, to go after and fight for Maddie, to accept and trust Derek's love.

She had an absurd desire to fling her arms out wide as she moved her body up and down, and she laughed lightly at the thought.

He put his hands on her hips and stilled her. "What?" he asked breathlessly.

She grinned and shook her head. She planted her hands on either side of his head and rested her forehead against his. "I love you, Derek Morgan."


	16. Chapter 16

_A/N - Sorry for the delay. It's been a crazy few days! I'd normally do one more editing pass before publishing, but I'll let you have this now so you don't have to wait another day! :)  
_

* * *

"_I love you, Derek Morgan." _

Emily said it. She'd said it before, but not quite in such a direct manner. It made him want to stop thinking about what was happening, what tomorrow might bring, and just slow everything down.

He clamped down on his desire, he put a stop to rushing anything even though it had been months since he'd slept with anyone, and over three years since he'd been with Emily. He focused everything on her - how after she'd whispered that she loved him, she straightened herself on top of him again, and he took her in as the morning light filtered into her bedroom.

He looked at her above him, looked at her perfect body and her scars that only lent to that perfection in his mind. "I've never seen anything more beautiful" he whispered, and then embarrassed slightly, worried that his words might spook her.

But Emily smiled softly and kept moving. And kept moving. His hands were on her breasts, were teasing her nipples, and he trailed his right hand down between her legs, but she stopped him.

"Don't," she whispered. And then smiled again at his confused expression. "I don't need it and I've never…"

Emily trailed off and gasped and kept moving and he knew what she meant. She didn't need him to touch her, she'd never been so close in this position without it. He contented himself to keep one hand fluttering between each of her breasts, to keep the other on her hip, and to move himself in rhythm with her until she finally arched back, hands behind her on his thighs, and screamed out before arching forward again and crumbling on top of him.

His arms wrapped around her, but he wasn't anywhere near done. He rolled Emily over and pulled out of her. This had all started so quickly and was so unexpected. When he flew to London, he expected tears, he expected anger and devastating sadness, he even contemplated for a moment that Emily might pull her gun on him and order him out of her flat, but he didn't expect _this _with such a fast turnaround.

He'd barely slept in days, but that became secondary. They had time, and he intended to make it last. Not as a goodbye this time. Finally, there was the chance that this wasn't a goodbye.

Emily barely caught her breath before she was on her back, gasping and quivering around him, and he tamped back on the desire to drive into her and let himself go. He linked his fingers with hers and drew both hands above her head, twisting them loosely together and keeping the fingers of his left hand twined with both of her hands.

Words came back to her soon after, as his right hand palmed her left breast while his mouth went to work on her right. "I love you," she husked. "I've never felt like this with anyone besides you."

He felt himself harden impossibly further at those words, but he kept himself in check. He breathed and held back and released her hands as his mouth lowered further down her body, settling his body between her thighs. He had a brief moment of insecurity as his mouth hovered over her. She'd been with other women. It was the first time he'd ever really contemplated that in this context; though he'd never had any complaints in this department, surely other women were better at this than he was.

But all of those thoughts were lost, lost in the raise of her hips towards his mouth, lost at her whimpered, "Please."

He became aware of sensations and glimpses then - how she tasted and felt against his mouth and tongue, how she sounded and how she moved against him. A hand on his head, not pressing him, but holding him gently, and with a glance he saw her other hand tightly fisted in the bedding. She started moaning, whispering expletives, one leg over his shoulder while the other bent and anchored her to the bed. And the whole time he thought he just didn't want this to be over, but it was. All too soon, it was. Emily was a quivering mess around his face and he couldn't help smiling as he kissed her thigh before moving back up her body.

He waited one beat, two beats. He waited until her breaths were still heavy, but not gasping, and then he pushed inside her again.

And he smiled again, against her neck this time, even though he wanted to moan and just let himself go; he smiled when she breathlessly whispered, "You're going to kill me before you even get me back home."

_Home._ it was a word that took on new meaning for him, a word he clung to and hoped was the absolute truth. He believed it was. It was the word that allowed him to continue to hold back, to lift his head and watch her. And he became hypnotized for a good several minutes, at the beads of sweat collecting themselves on her forehead, and lashes that rested on her cheeks as her eyes stayed closed firmly, overcome by sensation.

Her head tossed and turned and alternated between flinging backward and coming forward to face him even if she couldn't meet his eyes. He was barely holding onto any control and he could feel her fingers digging more firmly into his back and knew she was close again.

"I didn't really know what love was, either, before you," he whispered.

And that was all it took. Her eyes slammed open and found his and stayed on his for a few seconds before disbelief was washed away by pure happiness and trust, before her eyes slammed shut again and she screamed and moaned and squeezed her body around him, arms around his torso and legs up around his waist.

He was lost. Lost in that moment where coherent thought would have been impossible. And he realized he didn't have to be quiet or hide anything. He let her see just how he felt, moaning and whispering nonsensical things in her ear, grabbing onto whatever flesh he could reach with his mouth and lips, until he could go no further. Her hands moved from his back to his ass, pressing him as deeply inside her as he could possibly go, and it was her turn to whisper, "I love you," in his ear when he fell apart. But it was a falling apart in an entirely different way, a way that made him feel whole.

* * *

Derek woke up in Emily's bed and she wasn't beside him. Turning to his side he looked at the clock and saw he'd been asleep for almost five hours; it was late afternoon, almost evening in London. The case in Baltimore, a sleepless night thinking about Maddie, and then the red-eye to London where he'd been too nervous to rest much had taken its toll.

He sat up in bed and stretched, and that was when he noticed his bag on the bedroom floor, a clean towel folded on top of it, and a note on top of that. He stood and walked towards his bag, bending to pick up the short note.

_Derek,  
I went to talk to Clyde. Back soon. I love you. _

He smiled at those words and pulled on his briefs. He wanted to shower, but his stomach was growling, so he went in search of food first. Emily's fridge didn't yield much - a few pieces of fruit, some take-out containers and a carton of milk. It looked pretty much like his fridge at home, and the thought slammed into him that how they lived was going to change in a huge way.

That set his mind whirling with exactly what they were considering, and then he wondered if it was really a _they_ thing. Emily hadn't said in bed, he realized. It was unfair of him to automatically presume that he was going to get Emily and Maddie out of all of this, and he didn't quite know how to approach her or start a conversation about what came next.

If Maddie wasn't a certainty, if Emily couldn't have her, would she just come back to London? No, he didn't think so, not based on a few things she'd said earlier. But that was in the moment, right after a huge emotional upheaval for Emily.

Derek thought while he ate a quick bowl of cereal, and he thought through a long, hot shower. He was still lost in thought after he dressed and went back into the hallway and noticed a light on in the living room where it had been dark before.

He found Emily on the cushioned window seat, dressed comfortably in jeans and a sweater, staring out at her amazing view as early winter darkness settled over London. She turned when she heard him walk towards her, and smiled. But he noticed her Interpol badge in her hand and his heart sank a little. Obviously she hadn't turned that into Clyde Easter.

She moved her legs to make space for him on the seat and he sank down, turning to face her and pulling her feet on his lap.

Emily grinned, and that felt a little better to him.

"He wouldn't take it," she told him softly. "I went to turn in my badge and gun, and Clyde wouldn't take them. I told him the whole story, and something I never thought was possible occurred. Clyde cried. It was quick, and then it was over. He handed me back my gun and badge and told me there were Interpol jobs in DC, or he could keep me on as a contract employee for cases where they might need help with the planning. He said he thought it would be easier to get Maddie if I was employed and had a badge."

The enormity of what Emily was actually doing, had made a decision to do in a matter of hours - to turn her life upside down for him and a chance at Maddie, a child she'd given up - rushed over him and doubt crept in again. He moved his body slightly and cupped Emily's cheeks in his hands, bringing her eyes up to look at him. "A month ago we stood right in this kitchen and told each other we'd alternate monthly visits and see where we ended up in six months or so. We said we'd take things slowly. I'm worried you're forcing yourself into something too quickly that you haven't really had time to think through."

She shook her head. "While I was waiting for you to get out of the shower, I thought about the fact that the only time this place ever really felt like a comfortable home to me was during those few days you were here at Thanksgiving. I'm scared as hell, Derek. But hopeful, too. At my weakest and most vulnerable, I still feel strong when I'm with you. I'm going to let myself trust in the reality of that for once."

Derek's heart filled at those words, better than any "I love you," when coming from Emily. He stood up and kissed her gently.

"It doesn't bother you that she's biologically Doyle's?" asked Emily.

"All that matters to me is that she's biologically yours, Emily. Does it concern you?"

Emily shook her head again. "I never thought I'd get over that, but then I saw her picture and heard you tell me what she's been through, and I didn't even think about him." She leaned from her seated position, resting her head against his stomach. "We do need to talk about how we're going to approach Maddie and her social worker about this, and the logistics of our living situation, but come see what I found," Emily said.

She stood and took his hand and pulled him to the couch. That was when he noticed for the first time that she'd already started packing. He saw a suitcase open and full of wrapped gifts that used to be under her tree, along with what looked like a few photo albums. Emily noticed him looking and said, "My childhood albums, so she can see."

Derek smiled and bent to pick one up out of the suitcase. He flipped through the pictures and found one of Emily around the age of ten. Here he could see some subtle differences between her and Maddie, but not much. They could easily pass for identical twins at that age. He felt his eyes get a little misty, which was happening a lot lately. He couldn't let himself get too far ahead here, but the very real possibility of him and Emily and Maddie together, a family, made him emotional in a way he'd never felt before.

He grinned at Emily and brought the photo album to the couch, sitting closely next to her. She leaned forward and woke up her laptop. He saw the youtube screen and noticed the title of the video. "Girls 10U Championship Game February 8, 2014."

"That's the day of the car accident," said Derek softly.

"I know. I looked that up, too. But watch. This is a parent's video, so it's not great quality, but there was a closeup during a timeout, and Maddie's number eleven."

Emily hit play on the video and Derek watched the last five minutes of the game in fascination. He knew Maddie was good, but she was an absolute phenom on the court. She played point guard, she was eight at the time, probably one of the youngest on the ten and under team. The game was tied in the last minute, and he watched Maddie steal the ball from the other team and zoom down the court, making an easy layup. And then he watched her do it again when the other team inbounded the ball. She stole the ball and made an excellent pass to her teammate, who scored. The other team had to start fouling then, and he watched Maddie cooly sink her free throws. There was pandemonium at the end of the game as the little girls celebrated their win, and Maddie was right in the middle of it.

The video ended and Derek looked over at Emily, who had a tear sliding down her cheek. She brushed it away and smiled at him. "I've watched that about twenty times, and I cry every time. I can't believe she came from me. I can't believe just a few hours after that video, her world was torn so completely apart in that car accident."

Derek put his arm around Emily's shoulder and squeezed. "Let's go home and help put her world back together, Em."

* * *

JJ drove to headquarters on Sunday afternoon with butterflies knocking around in her stomach, and the baby, probably picking up on her nerves, was kicking and keeping time with those butterflies. She and Derek had talked about this on Friday before he left for the airport, that he was leaving the country for the weekend without telling Hotch he'd be unavailable if a case came up. They'd both just hoped there wouldn't be a case, but Hotch's call came just before noon on Sunday, when Derek and Emily's plane was still in the air.

She'd spoken with Emily on the phone the evening before, a smile on her face the whole time. Emily was coming home. Emily wanted Maddie, and she wanted to do this with Derek. It felt like 2015 had been the year where everything had come to a head for her, Derek and Emily, but things were clicking back into place now, and JJ hoped life would be better than ever for all of them with time.

With the knowledge that Emily was coming back and Maddie would no longer be a secret, JJ knew she was going to have to walk into headquarters that afternoon and talk to the team about a unexplained, missing Derek. Emily had told her on the phone that JJ could do this, if it came up before she was able to talk to the team herself. JJ almost told Hotch on the phone, but he'd gotten off quickly, needing to take care of Jack before he could go to the office himself.

This was ultimately a happy secret, something JJ was excited to share. But secrets in general anymore made her nervous. And Derek, technically, was insubordinate, though she was sure Hotch would never report that.

She arrived and made her way upstairs in the elevator and to the briefing room, walking right into Penelope stating worriedly, "His phone's off, Hotch. I don't know where he is."

"He's fine, Pen," JJ said immediately, trying to calm her friend. "He's really okay. He's on a plane right now."

All eyes in the room turned towards her and JJ took a deep breath and sat in one of the chairs. "He flew to London on Friday night, and he's on his way home now."

"London?" asked Hotch.

JJ opened her mouth to speak, but Penelope was already expressing her inner thoughts out loud. "He was just there at Thanksgiving. Emily's supposed to be here in a week. Why would he fly out for a weekend? Is Emily okay? Oh my God, is she pregnant? She's pregnant, isn't she?"

Now every eye in the room was on Penelope. That Rossi, Hotch and even Reid had probably figured out that there was something more personal going on between Emily and Derek given his trip at Thanksgiving and Emily's trip to Virginia that they knew was coming up was a given. But having it confirmed in such a manner was still eye-popping for them.

JJ shook her head, "No. She's good and she's not pregnant. She's flying back with Derek right now though, and she's not planning to go back to London. Because a little over ten years ago, she was pregnant."

The eyes were back on her, shocked expressions on their faces. Rossi got it first. "Doyle," he said quietly.

JJ nodded and blinked back tears, remembering how Emily told her Doyle had forced her into a situation where she essentially gave into sex with him to avoid living with the memories of him forcing himself on her. She blinked a couple of times. "Emily's daughter's name is Madeleine Bedford. Emily gave her up for adoption under an assumed name, and I came across her picture on our last case. She looks just like Emily, but she was at an event for foster kids. So I dug a little bit and found out her adoptive parents were killed in a car accident almost two years ago. Derek met with her social worker and also met Maddie. The birthdates matched, the hospital where she was born matched, and she could be Emily's twin."

Penelope had tears rolling down her cheeks and everyone else just stared at JJ. You could hear a pin drop in the room.

"So Emily's coming back for her?" asked Hotch.

"She's going to try. It's not an automatic that she'll get Maddie. And it's not just Emily. _They're _going to try and get Maddie, she and Derek together."

"Holy shit," breathed Penelope, and then she wiped her eyes and smiled. They all grinned lightly at each other, shocked, but happy.

"Why didn't he tell me he was going?" asked Hotch.

"Because there was a chance Emily wouldn't come back. This really could have gone either way, Hotch. Maddie looks just like Emily, but she's still Doyle's, too. If that happened, neither of us would ever have mentioned it to anyone."

Hotch nodded at that and turned to Penelope. "Fix the paperwork, Garcia. Make it look like Derek put in for this time away and I approved it. We need to focus on this case right now."

JJ sighed in relief, even though she'd counted on Hotch doing that for Derek. But Hotch's expression was one she recognized; the same expression he had on his face when Will had shown up in the hotel in New York and Hotch found out JJ was pregnant with Henry. The expression she'd seen many times on his face over the years. The hurt look of a man who was, in essence, the head of their BAU family, who cared deeply for the entire team, but was slammed with the reality that he was the boss and therefore not privy to their personal lives a lot of the time. And she also knew that Hotch took a lot of responsibility for Emily taking the Interpol job, that her fake death that he made the call on created a rift for Emily within the team that she couldn't get back.

He went through the details of the case in Florida and dismissed everyone with his usual, "Wheels up in thirty."

JJ hung back. Her relationship with Hotch had never quite been the same since he'd asked her to be the mouthpiece who lied to the team about Emily's death. She still cared about him, and knew he cared about her, but there was something that had felt broken or off there for a long time inside her.

She knew now that the biggest issue was that Hotch had gotten lumped in with everything else shitty going on in her life during that time, and she'd spent nearly a year now going to therapy, working through things, and letting go, but she'd still never really made things right with him in her mind, even if she faked it at work.

JJ reached out and put a hand on his arm, and gave him what he needed. She confided in him. "Emily told me about the pregnancy because when she was hiding from Doyle and everyone thought she was dead and no one was supposed to know where she was, I knew. I visited her twice on stop-overs from Afghanistan. The first time was just one day, and I told her that I was pregnant. The second time, I stayed with her for a week because I was healing from my injuries before I could go home, and I told her I'd miscarried during the ambush in Afghanistan."

Hotch looked at her empathetically and JJ gave him a small smile.

"You did the right thing, Hotch. You protected Emily from Doyle by making the call to fake her death. I have every belief if you'd had my back in Afghanistan, the last few years probably would have been very different for me. But I'm far better than just okay now, and Emily's coming home and she's doing pretty good, too. It was just a longer healing process than anyone could have anticipated."

Hotch nodded at her and she turned to walk out of the room.

"JJ," he said. She turned back to face him and was graced with one of his rare, genuine smiles. "Thank you," he said softly.

* * *

Rose Zucchoni sat at Derek's kitchen table late on Sunday afternoon, looking through one of Emily's photo albums. "It's unbelievable how much she looks like you," said Rose.

"It is," said Emily quietly. For the second time in twenty-four hours she'd told the whole story - first to Clyde and then to Maddie's social worker, who had been open enough to meet them at Derek's shortly after their plane landed and they'd arrived at Derek's house.

Rose closed the album and looked at Emily, giving her a gentle smile. "Whether she's biologically yours or not doesn't play a huge role in the court system in these cases. You gave her up, signed the paperwork, and you technically have no claim to her that's stronger than any other potential foster parent's. The circumstances and reason you gave her up would come into play if I thought it would be an issue for you in the future, but I'm not worried about that. Right now what matters is your stability, your willingness to try this, and what Maddie thinks."

Derek squeezed Emily's hand. He'd been holding it pretty much since they got on the plane in London and he hadn't really let go.

"We've talked about that," said Derek. "We think it would be best if I talked to Maddie first, since I have a little connection with her, and then see how it goes from there. She needs to know the truth at an age-appropriate level."

"I agree," replied Rose. "But I can't just let you go into the group home. This isn't you wanting to talk to her about a case at work, Mr. Morgan. I need to be there as a mediator, and be there for Madeleine if she needs me."

Emily sank at those words. Now that she was there, she just wanted to see Maddie. "Can we arrange a time this week to do that?" she asked.

Rose smiled and patted Emily's free hand where it rested on the table. "All I had planned to do this evening was laundry, which I hate. We can go now, if you'd like."

* * *

Maddie eyed Derek warily when he came into the living room of the group home with Rose. Her eyes narrowed at him, and Derek knew what she was thinking, that he'd told Rose about where she went when she cut school.

He quickly and subtly shook his head at Maddie so she wouldn't say anything, so she'd understand that he hadn't said anything about that.

And Madeleine did understand. She visibly relaxed at least, and then she eyed the photo album in Derek's hand and raised her eyebrows curiously before catching herself and letting her face settle back into impassivity.

Derek sat on the couch. "Maddie, I need to talk with you."

She rolled her eyes at him and sat in the chair opposite him, arms folded over her chest. "More about the Christmas party and that creepy elf?" she asked.

Derek shook his head. "No. I came here to tell you that I lied to you."

He watched Maddie's hands go up in the air and she delivered a sarcastic, breathy reply. "What a surprise. An adult lying to me."

Derek glanced at Rose, who was trying to give them privacy while being in the same room, before looking back towards Maddie. "It's probably a different type of lie than you're used to, Maddie. My very good friend at the FBI came across your picture when we were investigating the creepy elf. And you reminded her of someone. So she brought your picture to me and you reminded me of the same person. That's why I really came to meet you - to see you in person and make sure."

He had her interest, he could tell. "What do you mean?" she asked him.

"The person you reminded us of is named Emily. She's my girlfriend," Derek stuttered over that last word a bit. It seemed so trite for what Emily actually meant to him, but they'd talked about this and knew it was a word Maddie would relate to on some level. "Ten years ago, Emily was pregnant and she gave birth to a baby girl at Mercy Hospital in Philadelphia on October 28, 2005. She gave that baby up for adoption."

Maddie's eyes opened wide. He could see instant understanding, and a mixture of anger and sadness in her eyes. She glanced harshly at Rose and then back at him. She blinked several times, she took several breaths. And then she settled back into her usual posture and facial expression. "Who cares?" she said.

"Emily does," replied Derek. He put the photo album down on the coffee table and opened it to the page with pictures of Emily when she was ten years old. "She cares so much that I flew to London on Friday night to tell her about you, and she got back on a plane this morning because she wants to meet you."

Maddie glared at him, nibbling on her fingernails. "She's here?" she finally asked.

Derek nodded. "In the car. We wanted to make sure it was okay with you before she came in."

Madeleine stood from her chair and walked to the coffee table. She knelt on the floor and pulled the photo album towards her. Her face betrayed no emotion, but she looked at the pictures for several minutes before she whispered, "Fine, she can come in."

Derek nodded and stood. He walked to the front door and sent every good thought and wish in his heart out to the universe before pulling it open and waving Emily into the house.

* * *

She was smaller than Emily thought she would be. Or maybe it was just because she was kneeling on the ground flipping through the photo album. She was wearing jeans and a long sleeve t-shirt, and over that shirt was a basketball jersey that swam on her. Red. University of Maryland. The number 11 on the back and Bedford spelled out. It had probably belonged to her father.

Her hair hung loose but it was tucked behind her ear, and Emily knew that profile. She'd seen it her whole life.

Emily wasn't aware her heart could beat so fast, and she just wanted to will Maddie to turn and look at her, but though Emily felt that Maddie knew she was in the room, she didn't look up from the photo album.

On shaking legs, she walked and sat on the couch, facing Madeleine. Emily wanted to reach out and hug the little girl. She wanted to whisper "I'm sorry" a million times and beg for trust, but she knew that wasn't reality. Trust was going to have to be earned by Maddie, and it probably would not be easy.

So Emily sat silently and watched Maddie flip through the photo album a few times and then finally the little girl looked up at her face.

Never before had Emily seen so many emotions cross the eyes of a person in such a short amount of time - anger, confusion, longing, hurt, sadness, hope. They were there for the briefest moment, and then Maddie settled on anger. She slammed the photo album shut and walked out of the room. Emily heard feet stomp up the stairs and a door slam.

She stood. "Let me," she whispered to Derek and Rose. And thought she knew she'd have an audience nearby, she walked up the stairs alone. There was only one bedroom door shut up there, and Emily didn't try to knock, didn't dream about opening that door. She sat down in the carpeted hallway and leaned her back against the door.

Sighing, she searched for the bluntest truth she could muster given Maddie's age. This little girl didn't want sugar coating. Emily's best chance of drawing Maddie out would be with a story that was real. There could be no lies here.

"There are many reasons why I felt I couldn't raise you and give you the life I wanted you to have when you were born. I'll tell you about those reasons if you want to know. You just have to ask. I gave you up so you could have a good and happy life and I was content knowing that's how you were living. It was only on Saturday morning when Derek showed up at my place that I learned that wasn't the case. And I came back as soon as I could to see you. I'd like us to get to know each other."

Emily heard the faint sounds of sniffling on the other side of the door and teared up herself. "I'll leave the photo album here and you can think about it. I'll come back tomorrow to check in. Rose says she's going to go to the county tomorrow to get me some emergency paperwork I need, not to take you, but so that we visit with each other. I want you, Maddie. Derek and I both do. But that is your choice. I think getting to know each other a little better first is a nice place to start. What do you think about that?"

More sniffling, but no words. Emily waited for several minutes and was about to give up when she nearly jumped out of her skin at the feel of someone touching her hand. She looked down and saw fingers stretched out from under the bedroom door, fingers that were shaped just like hers. They touched Emily's hand where it rested on the carpet. And then Emily heard a few deep breaths before Maddie whispered her first word to her through the closed door. "OK."


	17. Chapter 17

They went back to Derek's after they left the group home, and Emily finally took a moment to look around his house, trying to distract herself from the raw emotions she felt upon finally seeing Maddie.

The living room furniture was different than she remembered him having in his apartment, but that had been several years ago, and he'd lived here with Savannah. It made her uncomfortable for her to think that this might have been furniture they'd picked out together.

Derek did a good job guessing what she was thinking. "This is all new. When she left, she took things that were hers, and I just wanted to start over. I almost sold the place and moved, but I decided I liked this house. I put months into renovating it and I didn't want to give it up. So I repainted and got new furniture instead."

Emily nodded at that, finding some comfort in his statement. They'd talked a long time on the plane from London about her moving in with him, and it was ridiculously fast, but she knew if she was going to try and raise Maddie, she wanted to do it with him. She'd have to move the rest of her things at some point, and figure out what to do with her flat in London, but that could wait.

Derek took her silence for hesitation. "We could move. We could pick out a place together if you want," he said softly.

She turned and touched his arm. "No. I like this house, too. It's just, yesterday morning I woke up thinking about an upcoming trip to see you for a week, and now I'm talking about staying here forever. It's a lot to take in. I've never really shared a personal space with anyone, not like this. I didn't even have a roommate in college. But I'm looking forward to sharing a space with you."

She said it and she was. She just had no fucking clue what that looked like or what it would feel like. She'd shared a space with Doyle, but she didn't really count that forced situation. She was forty-five years old and the idea of permanence was completely foreign to her.

Emily saw Derek look at his watch. They were both tired, she was jet-lagged, but he grinned and took her hand. "Come on."

She looked at the smile on his face and followed him, back out of the house and into his car. They spent an hour at the mall picking out new sheets and towels for the house, then washed them back at his house while enjoying take out.

They talked about Maddie some, but it seemed strange to plan for something that was on such shaky ground at the moment. Emily really couldn't find the words to express her feelings in the moment anyway. She'd made it through the evening, but she still felt like a part of her was stuck back at that group home, looking Maddie full in the face for the first time.

Tomorrow, they'd go back to spend time with her together. And they agreed that Emily should spend time with Maddie alone, too. Derek would go back to work on Tuesday and they'd see how the week went.

That night they put the clean, new sheets on Derek's bed. They were both exhausted, but while Derek fell right to sleep, Emily couldn't relax. She lay awake for over an hour after Derek fell asleep, unable to slow down the restlessness and nervousness in her heart. Last night they'd been in London in her bed, and now, tonight, and for the foreseeable future, she would be here, sleeping next to him.

To go from someone who never intended to permanently share her life with anyone, never thought it was something she could handle, to making a commitment to this arrangement because she loved him and trusted him completely, and for the sake of Madeleine, had her laying there with her heart racing. She'd rarely opened herself up to emotions like this before, and never so many at once.

She also didn't do limbo very well. She was good at making decisions, even if those decisions were running away. But she always ran towards a guarantee, namely in the form of a job. So there was that, too. Despite what Clyde said, she was essentially unemployed at the moment, and that left her feeling directionless. And she couldn't pick a direction until they saw how things went with Maddie.

And then there was Madeleine herself.

When Maddie touched her hand earlier that afternoon, from under the doorframe, the same word echoed in her head that did when Derek first told Emily about the little girl. _Mine._ It was shocking then, and it was shocking now. The fierce protectiveness she felt for Maddie, and the love - love for the little girl she'd convinced herself she couldn't raise, didn't want, and tried successfully to forget for years - overwhelmed her heart.

She'd had a difficult time leaving the group home earlier that day, but Maddie didn't want to come out of her room, though she agreed to see Emily and Derek the next day. And now all she wanted to do was drive Derek's car and park in front of that house, just to be in closer proximity to the little girl who stole her heart the second she saw her face in person. Her daughter.

Blinking back tears, Emily shifted restlessly in Derek's bed and turned to face him. She found his eyes open and on hers. She watched his hand reach out to her face and felt his fingers lightly brush over her forehead and cheek, concern etched on his face.

She smiled gently at him and shook her head, but even when she was trying to reassure him that she was okay, the tears fell. He shifted forward and wrapped his arms around her, and she willingly accepted his embrace, some of the restlessness and nervousness dissipating. She reminded herself that she could do this with him, and it wouldn't be so frightening or overwhelming forever. Alone with her thoughts she felt like she was tumbling into an unknown abyss. But like this, with him, she realized she was anchored.

"It's just a lot," she murmured against the skin of his chest.

"I know, Em." he replied.

Emily felt his hands on her back, rubbing gently up and down and she concentrated on that and the rhythm of his relaxed breathing. She took deep breaths and let go of her jumbled thoughts, sinking deeper into his arms and letting sleep find her.

* * *

Waking up next to Emily for the second morning in a row was amazing. It was also slightly unsettling. Derek was not a man who put himself in situations where he felt like he had to walk on eggshells, and now he was right smack dab in the middle of something that felt very much like that. Deciding that equal parts comfort and space might be what Emily needed, he gave her a brief kiss on her forehead, climbed out of bed and went downstairs to start coffee and make breakfast.

But after her shower, she came downstairs and stood behind him in the kitchen, wrapping her arms around him and pressing a kiss to his back. "You don't have to run off so fast," she said softly.

And he was honest. "I don't want to overwhelm you."

He could feel her lips smile against the skin of his back, and then heard her soft laugh. "There's no escaping that at the moment, but I promise to let you know the second I don't feel like I can handle it. And I promise to work through it with you instead of shutting down or running away. I don't want to do that anymore, not with you."

He didn't quite know what to do with the emotions that surged through him at those words. In Emily language, what she'd just said was the equivalent to "I do." He turned in her arms and she kept her head bent, leaning her forehead against his chest where it had previously been resting against his back. He had no clue where they would have ended up had JJ never seen Maddie's picture, but they were here now. It was a very strange combination of certainty and uncertainty at the same time.

Derek searched for words and finally settled on, "We can do this, Emily," delivered softly with a kiss on her head.

Her head raised and she met his eyes. "I know we can," she said quietly but absolutely.

He kissed her then, his fingers running through her hair that was still slightly damp from the shower, the kitchen in this house finally feeling like a home for the first time.

They ate the eggs he made and drank coffee. He showered. Emily put her wrapped Christmas gifts under the tree in his living room; he'd gotten it the week before to prepare for her visit. She hung her clothes in the closet and folded other items and placed them in the few empty drawers in the dresser. He thought that they were going to need another dresser eventually, when all of her things from London were shipped, but he stopped that thought process and vowed to take all of this unexpectedness one day at a time until it didn't feel so strange or unexpected anymore.

Maddie's social worker called late that morning telling them that though their situation was unique, she'd obtained the necessary paperwork and both he and Emily were free to visit with Maddie and take her from the group home, provided they told Mrs. Murphy where they were going. Rose said she'd be checking in with Maddie daily.

"What about Christmas?" Derek impulsively asked. "Could we bring her here for a few days over Christmas?"

He could hear Rose's hesitation over the phone. "Let's just see how the next several days go, Derek," she responded in a friendly, but reserved voice.

Maddie was on Christmas break at school, so they drove back to the group home a little before lunch on Monday, hands clasped together, neither quite sure what to expect. Maddie surprised them. She wasn't off in a quiet area waiting for their arrival; she was right in the thick of things with the younger kids in the group home, helping them make crafts. She didn't smile or give anything away with her face when they arrived, but she looked, and eventually inclined her head to the empty chairs at the table.

Derek and Emily both sat and dove into the Christmas-themed paper chain project with Maddie and the three other kids in the group home. Mrs. Murphy kept smiling at them encouragingly. There wasn't a lot of conversation, but there were a lot of looks exchanged, and while Derek and Emily smiled at Maddie frequently, she never smiled back.

She asked a few questions about London and Emily's job. She asked a few simple questions about the FBI, and Derek launched into a description of everyone on the team, which she seemed interested in. When lunchtime rolled around, Emily offered to take Maddie out to lunch, but she declined with a shake of her head.

They ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches at the group home with all of the kids instead. Neither he or Emily pressed. They just stayed, they joined in, they were present and answered simple question honestly. For her part, Maddie didn't reject them; she was just very, very cautious.

At around three o'clock in the afternoon, Maddie said she had other things to do. They didn't question it.

"Derek has to go to work tomorrow, but I'll be here," Emily told her.

Maddie blinked at that before nodding. Then, at the doorway, while he and Emily stood on the front porch, Maddie ventured a question. "Can you come in the morning?"

Emily smiled at her and nodded. "I'd love to. What time?"

"Nine?" asked Maddie.

"I'll see you then," said Emily with a nod.

It was only when they got back into Derek's car that Emily leaned her head against his shoulder and allowed a few tears to fall.

* * *

Emily dropped Derek at the metro station on Tuesday morning so he could go to work, and then drove his car to the group home. She was there right at nine o'clock, and Maddie was waiting for her. Dressed in track pants and a Maryland sweatshirt that engulfed her, Maddie didn't even let Emily get in the door.

"Can you take me to a store?" asked Maddie.

"Sure," responded Emily, surprised.

Maddie nodded and followed Emily to the car.

"Where are we going?" Emily asked as she started the engine.

Maddie was quiet for a long time before saying, "You remember Devon?"

Yes, Emily did. He was the little African American boy she'd sat next to the day before, helping his squirming body get the glue to stick on the paper that made the paper chain. He was young, maybe five years old, and stuttered when he could get words out at all. Emily nodded at Madeleine that she did, indeed, remember Devon.

"Do you know what the Giving Tree is?" was Maddie's next question.

Again Emily nodded. She knew. Less fortunate kids could put requests on a card where others could choose them and buy the kids Christmas gifts.

"OK," said Maddie with a breath. "I need to go to a Target or something like that."

Emily stared at her, not quite sure where Maddie was going in her mind, but as the little girl turned her head to look out the passenger window, she decided not to press. "OK, Target it is."

Emily watched Maddie pull crumpled bills out of the pocket of the front of her sweatshirt and smooth them out, making a pile of dollar bills in her lap.

"It looks like you've been saving," she said neutrally.

She felt, rather than saw Maddie's glare. They drove in silence for several minutes and then Maddie asked, "So, where's my biological father?"

Emily heart started beating quickly. She knew these questions were coming, she'd thought through answers in her head and talked about them with Derek, but she still stumbled slightly.

"He died a few years ago," Emily responded quietly, her eyes still on the road.

"Did he want to give me up?" asked Maddie.

Emily pulled the car off the exit ramp on the freeway and waited until she was stopped at a red light before answering. "No. His name was Ian and he didn't even know about you. He was a dangerous man, Maddie. I met him when I was doing my job. One of the main reasons I gave you up was because I wanted you to be safe, and I never wanted him to know about you."

Maddie was quiet for awhile and Emily pulled into the parking lot at Target. Even early in the morning, the store was a madhouse the week before Christmas. She drove slowly looking for a parking space, trying to stay calm.

"He was a creep?" asked Maddie.

Emily smiled slightly at that word; Derek had told her that Maddie was quite fond of it. "He was. He wasn't always, from what I know about him when he was younger, but he made a lot of bad choices when he was an adult and he wasn't safe for me or you or anyone to be around really."

More silence. Emily put her blinker on waiting for someone to pull out of a parking space.

"Do you have any other kids?" asked Maddie.

Emily shook her head as she pulled into the parking space. She put the car in park and turned to look at the little girl, her heart lurching; the desire to reach out and hug Maddie was overwhelming. "I don't. But, Maddie, you have a half brother. Your biological father had a son. His name is Declan and he's sixteen years old."

Maddie's eyes opened wide at that piece of news and then she gathered herself. She picked up the stack of bills in her hand. "I get an allowance at the group home for helping out. Devon has a baby sister that was placed with a family right away when his mom went to jail, but they didn't want Devon, too. When the Giving Tree people came to fill out our cards, Devon was too nervous to talk, and too embarrassed to ask for what he really wanted. So they put a football on the card, but what he really wants is a doll, I think to remind him of his baby sister. He's still embarrassed, but I told him he could keep the doll in my room. So I'm going to buy him a doll for Christmas."

Emily stared at Maddie and watched the little girl blink back tears. Emily was fighting her own. She didn't think Maddie was crying about Devon as much as she was about actually sharing something personal with Emily. How on earth was it possible for this young girl to have such a compassionate heart after everything she went through? Yet, there it was. And Emily also understood in that moment - if she was honest with Maddie, Maddie would give something back. Emily also knew that the second Maddie sensed any sort of deception, this would all be over.

She cleared her throat and smiled at Maddie. "Then let's go get him his doll," she said.

She saw what might have been the faintest hint of a smile on Maddie's lips.

They were quiet in the store. Emily observed Maddie and watched her eyes catch on different things in the store - the books, the girl's clothing and the sporting goods section - but she came to a stop at the Legos that were on the end cap in the toy section. Her hand reached out and touched a box. "My dad liked building the big Lego sets," she said softly. And then immediately snapped out of it, her face hardening and turning away from Emily.

They found the dolls and Maddie picked out a black baby doll. There wasn't a huge selection to choose from in that department, so they didn't linger. When they were standing in the long check-out line, Emily risked a question. "What did you ask for on your Giving Tree card?"

Maddie shrugged, "Books. I need new basketball shoes, but Mrs. Murphy says she'll take me shopping after Christmas for them. I wasn't going to put them on my card. Last year I asked for a jacket, in red. I ended up with a sparkly, hot pink thing. I know people are trying to be nice, but they buy what they think a kid would want rather than what they actually do want a lot of the time."

"Hot pink and sparkly basketball shoes would be a disaster," said Emily seriously.

And for the first time, Maddie looked at her and gave her a genuine smile. "Pretty much."

Once the purchase was complete and the bag containing the doll was stowed in the trunk of Derek's car, Emily asked Maddie what else she wanted to do.

"Can we go see the FBI building and say hi to Derek?"

Emily grinned at that. "Sounds like a great idea."

Maddie looked down at her clothes. "Should I go home first and change into something nicer?"

Emily's hand reached out to touch Maddie's shoulder, but she thought better of it and held her hand back. "You look great just the way you are. Besides, there's a basketball court in the gym there."

Another genuine smile graced the little girl's mouth. "Cool."

* * *

Derek spent the morning at work answering Penelope's careful questions - about Emily, about Maddie, about what was next. The team had wrapped up the case in Florida and they were flying back.

Later that morning, he was in the bullpen talking to JJ, taking as much paperwork off the team's hands as he could so they could go home and rest, when Emily's call came in. The second the team learned that Emily would be coming there with Maddie, all ideas of going home and taking the rest of the day off left their minds. They settled at their desks and waited.

JJ followed Derek to his office. "How's Emily doing really? We've exchanged a couple of texts, but I haven't had a chance to actually talk to her since you flew back from London."

Derek smiled warmly. "She's good, Jayje. Overwhelmed and nervous, but good. We're good. It's all just a little…"

He searched for a word and JJ smiled at him and finished his sentence, "Unexpected? Fast? Crazy?"

Derek laughed, and JJ continued, "And right, and perfect and amazing."

"That, too."

JJ looked at her watch. "They won't be here for another forty-five minutes at least. Do you mind?" She gestured to the couch in Derek's office. It was his old couch from his apartment that he couldn't part with, and it had come in handy on several occasions since he'd moved it to his office, for much-needed sleep.

"Not at all," Derek said softly.

JJ went to lay down and Derek opened the bottom drawer of his file cabinet, pulling out a pillow and blanket he had stuffed in there. He handed them both to JJ and she smiled gratefully. And then she was out like a light, one hand resting over her stomach. With the baby due at the end of February, she probably only had another month before she would have to stop traveling with the team. Maybe less.

Derek brushed away the slight pangs of guilt he had for missing the case in Florida. Ever since JJ had confided in him in the fall about her miscarriage and the PTSD she experienced the previous year, he'd been extra protective of JJ. Not overtly, but he made sure she got rest when they were on cases, often sacrificing sleep himself to take on the extra load so she could get some sleep. When she'd let him.

He sat at his desk and focused on paperwork while he had the time, looking at his watch on occasion. He was so happy that Emily and Maddie were coming there, but more that Emily sounded relaxed on the phone, like things were going well.

Eventually Hotch came into his office. He put a finger to his lips and pointed at JJ, then stood and went into the hallway, closing his office door behind him.

Derek spoke before Hotch could get a word out. "Thanks for covering for me. We didn't know if Emily would come back, but you would have been the first person I called when we landed back in DC on Sunday when she did."

That seemed to take the wind out of Hotch's sails, because whatever he wanted to say sort of died on his lips. And instead, he smiled at Derek. "I'm glad she's back. I'm happy for you both. How are things going?"

He and Hotch wandered down to the bullpen and to the break area where Derek caught him up on the situation and poured them each a cup of coffee. Emily and Maddie emerged from the elevators not long after that, each with visitor badges clipped to them.

"Damn," Hotch whispered. "She looks just like Emily."

Derek grinned and said, "Told you," as he made his way towards them. Emily smiled when she saw him and he reached out to touch her back gently. Maddie gave him what might have been a small grin. Her eyes were huge as she looked around the bullpen. Reid, Rossi and Hotch were right there pretty quickly. They greeted Emily with quiet hugs and Derek introduced them to Maddie. Maddie, for her part, was polite without any of her usual briskness. She shook their hands and even smiled a little.

Derek saw Penelope out of the corner of his eye and watched her turn around, her hands going to her face, and then she taking several deep breaths, composing herself before she turned back around and headed their way. If Maddie's eyes were huge before, they were nothing compared to how she looked when Penelope approached her. To be fair, Penelope's outfit was extra loud that day.

But then she smiled at Maddie, and Maddie gave a genuine smile back to her, somehow finding instant comfort in Penelope's very friendly and non-intimidating face.

"Where's JJ?" asked Emily.

"Asleep in my office. I should go wake her or she's probably going to kill me."

Emily smiled and squeezed a hand on his shoulder. "I'll go. Maddie, I'll be right back."

Maddie nodded, but she was still looking at Penelope. "You're an FBI agent?"

"Technical analyst, which sounds very boring. I prefer computer goddess. Come on, I'll show you," said Penelope with a grin. And doing something neither Emily nor Derek had dared do yet, Pen reached out and grabbed Maddie's hand, which Maddie took, walking with her to Penelope's office.

Derek followed, and he realized Rossi, Hotch and Reid were following him, none of them willing to depart from this astounding spectacle of a little girl they didn't even know existed until a couple of days ago. A little girl who looked exactly like Emily.

Madeleine was fascinated with Penelope's office and all the electronic equipment. Penelope showed her different things, and Maddie listened. A few minutes later, JJ and Emily stepped in and JJ introduced herself. Maddie's eyes fluttered between JJ's kind face and her bulging belly, but she eventually took JJ's offered hand and shook it.

"I was telling Maddie in the car about the basketball court here," Emily said.

Derek grinned. "Let me change into my gym clothes and we can head down."

The team remained an entourage, following them down to the gym. Maddie didn't seem to mind or even notice, especially once they got into the court. "Whoa," she gasped when she saw it.

It was just a little after eleven and the court was empty for the moment, but Derek knew it wouldn't be that way for long as the lunch hour approached. Maddie took off her sweatshirt and placed it in Emily's outstretched hand. The rest of the team settled onto the small bleachers, and Maddie went right to the rack of basketballs and grabbed two. Crouching low, she dribbled both balls with ease up and down the court.

"It's been a long time since I've been in a regular basketball court," she said to Derek. Her cheeks tinged slightly at that admission. Derek watched her as she continued to do dribbling drills and he was fascinated by her talent.

He heard voices coming from the hallway that lead to the gym and Derek called out. "Maddie, stop." She stopped dribbling and held the balls, looking at him as he winked at her.

Four agents came into the gym, and Derek recognized them. He'd played with them before.

"Jackson," he said in greeting to the tallest man. The agent looked at Derek and nodded in greeting. Derek introduced Maddie to the agents, and then said, "How about a little three on three? Me, Maddie and Jackson against you three."

Derek watched Maddie's slow grin spread across her face. The men were amicable, smiling at the situation. One of the men handed the ball to Maddie and said, "You can take the ball first."

It took approximately ten seconds for them to realize that this wasn't some pity game where they needed to take it easy because a kid was playing. Maddie zoomed up the court with the ball, wove around the men and went to the hoop. Realizing she was going up against someone much taller, she kicked the ball out to Jackson, who made an easy three pointer.

"Yes!" exclaimed Maddie, pumping her fist in the air. Derek laughed.

The other team brought the ball up the court, and an Agent Carter was handling the ball. Maddie got right up on him and seemed to read his mind. She reached like she was going to try and steal the ball and he quickly switched hands, but she anticipated it, like she knew he was going to do that. The ball was in her hands and she was down the court for an easy layup before anyone on the opposing team really knew what was happening.

Carter looked at Derek, who laughed again and shrugged his shoulders. They settled in for a tough competition, no longer holding back at all because of Maddie's age and size. Once they tightened up, Maddie could hold her own when considering the size differences, but she was no longer able to blow them out of the water.

Derek watched her playing, focused, but smiling a lot. She was a tough competitor, but also a good sport, congratulating the other team when they made a nice shot or move. It was the most relaxed he'd ever seen her and he realized this girl needed to get on a team, and fast. Basketball was her outlet, the one place where she didn't think about other aspects of her life.

He shared a lot of looks and smiles with Emily during that game, both of them thinking the same thing.

* * *

They all ate lunch together, and the euphoria from playing basketball stayed with the little girl. She was a chatterbox, about the game they'd played, but also telling them about her old basketball team.

On the drive home the energy drained from Maddie, though, and Emily could see her fidgeting, uncomfortable. Emily thought it was because Maddie realized she'd shared a lot of herself that day, not just in words, but in smiles and body language.

Emily let her go quiet as they drove back to Baltimore, and Maddie abruptly exited the car and ran to the front porch of the group home, but then turned back around and walked towards the driver's seat. Emily rolled down the window and smiled at her.

"Thank you for today, Emily."

Shocked, Emily grinned wider. "You are most welcome. I had a great time. You almost forgot Devon's present."

Emily got out of the car and opened the trunk, handing the bag to Madeleine.

Maddie took the bag and looked up at Emily's face. "Same time tomorrow?" she asked quietly.

Emily took a chance and placed a gentle hand on Maddie's shoulder for a brief second. "I'll be here."

* * *

The next morning, Emily still didn't know quite what to expect, but she was much more relaxed in general. She and Derek had had a nice evening together the night before, and she'd slept better.

Maddie was waiting for her on the porch this time. The temperature had dropped dramatically and she grinned when she saw Maddie on the porch in the very pink jacket she'd told Emily about. She was dressed in a sweater underneath that, and jeans and snow boots. Her hair was in a headband. Emily figured there was something up about her appearance, a reason behind it. She saw Maddie open the front door and yell out to Mrs. Murphy that she was leaving, then she grabbed a backpack off the porch and walked towards the car.

"Hi, Maddie," Emily greeted her with a smile when she got into the car.

"Hi."

Maddie's cheeks were red from the cold and she clutched the backpack in her lap once she got her seat belt on.

"Can we go back to the FBI?" asked Maddie.

Emily was surprised. Given the clothing, basketball was clearly not on the agenda. The backpack wasn't filled enough to carry a change of clothes and shoes.

"Of course. Derek will be happy to see you. Do you want to see more of the building?"

Maddie shook her head. "No. I want to see Penelope."

Emily raised her eyebrows but didn't ask why. "Penelope it is," she said as she backed out of the driveway.

The drive was similar to the morning before. Maddie started in with questions, Emily answered honestly, and then Maddie gave her something back.

"Does Declan know about me?" she asked.

"No, sweetie," Emily replied softly. "I was going to go see him this week sometime and tell him, though."

"He lives close by?"

Emily nodded. "About forty minutes or so from your house."

"How close does he live to your house?"

"Hmmm. Maybe fifteen minutes," Emily said.

"He got to see you, but I never did," said Maddie quietly, hurt evident in her voice.

"Maddie, you're right. He did. But not very often. I helped hide him from his father, so I only rarely saw him. He lived with a friend of mine. I never wanted your biological father to find either of you. Me not knowing where you were was the safest thing for you."

Maddie looked out the window and contemplated that for awhile. Without looking back towards Emily, she started talking. "Joe and Clara were the names of the foster family that took me after I got better from the car accident. They were going to adopt me. And then they didn't want me anymore. I got so mad when they told me that Rose was coming to pick me up, that I threw my dad's laptop on the ground."

Emily saw Maddie clutch the backpack in her lap while she continued. "It doesn't work anymore. It has all of the movies and pictures on it from when I was little."

Emily heard the crack in Maddie's voice, but she never turned her head towards Emily. Emily fought back the tears, and kept her voice soft. "If anyone can fix it, Penelope can."

When they arrived at headquarters, Maddie seemed unable to find the words she needed, so Emily explained the situation to Penelope. Penelope took the laptop in one hand and gently touched Maddie's cheek with the other. "Let's see what we can do."

Derek brought Emily a coffee and Maddie a hot chocolate and they waited quietly and watched Penelope work. She took the hard drive from the computer and tried to recover the files.

"I think I got them, Maddie," she said softly after several long minutes.

Madeleine set her hot chocolate down on the desk. "Really?" she asked with a quivering lip.

Pen nodded and suddenly a movie filled one of her large computer screens. Emily held back the gasp she felt when she saw Maddie, around the age of three, playing on the green grass in a yard. There was a golden retriever puppy chasing her and she was laughing at the puppy she kept calling "Sammy." A man, her dad, would grab her and swing her around and she would giggle and giggle. "Daddy! Spin me faster!"

Emily felt Derek's hand on the back of her neck as she watched Maddie stand and stare at the screen. The little girl's shoulders started shaking and her crying became audible. The movie ended and Maddie reached forward to select another one with the mouse. This one started and a slightly older Maddie was sitting on a sled with a woman sitting behind her. "You ready, Maddie?" the woman asked. And Maddie nodded and they went off down the hill in the snow.

Maddie turned to look at Emily, and saw that Emily was crying, too. "That was my mommy," she said brokenly.

"I know, honey," said Emily. And she reached forward and wrapped Maddie in a hug. After a second, Maddie's arms wrapped around her and hugged her back. Madeleine was unable to control her crying and Emily eventually sat down in a chair, dragging Maddie onto her lap. The little girl cried with her head on Emily's shoulder and her arms around her neck. Derek was right there, one hand on Emily's back and one hand gently resting on Maddie's head.

They didn't shush Maddie or tell her it would be okay. They both knew this was probably the first time Maddie had allowed herself any tears in well over a year. They just held on and let her cry.

It was beautiful and strange for Emily, holding the little girl while she cried about the father and mother she'd lost, while Emily felt like a mother for the first time in her life.


	18. Chapter 18

The drive between Quantico and Baltimore was absent of any words. The first fifteen minutes were filled occasionally with Maddie's gasps as she tried to control her emotions, but after that she just sat there, her arms clasped around the borrowed iPad from Penelope which contained all of her family movies and pictures.

Emily tried speaking a couple of times but every time she inhaled to say something, she caught the glare and almost imperceptible shake of Maddie's head out of the corner of her eye. She knew this well - this stance of sharing what felt like too much and then shutting herself off. Madeleine Bedford was definitely her daughter.

They made the trek to Baltimore in silence, and only when they were a few blocks away from the group home did Emily push things slightly; not with words this time, but with a gentle reach over the middle console between the seats, resting her hand on top of Maddie's.

The little girl didn't pull away, but she didn't take Emily's hand either. Emily pulled into the driveway of the group home and Maddie stayed in her seat for a few moments, seeming frozen.

"I understand you," Emily finally risked with a quiet whisper.

Maddie inhaled at those words, but didn't respond. She grabbed her backpack and the iPad in one hand and used the other to open the car door. Once it was opened and she stepped outside, she turned to look at Emily. "If you hadn't given me up, I'd never have to feel any of this!" The voice was almost a yell, but there was so much sadness there that it kept the words from being vehement.

Taking a deep, shaky breath, Emily nodded and responded. "You were a happy little girl because your parents loved you and made you feel safe. I don't think you'd want to give up those memories, even if it hurts to have lost them. I couldn't have done that for you back then, Maddie."

Maddie slammed the car door and stomped towards the front steps of the house. But then she turned. "Can you now?" she shouted, loud enough to be heard through the car window.

Emily rolled it down. "I can. Derek and I can together, if you want us to."

Madeleine stared and stared, and finally Emily asked, "Same time tomorrow?"

The nod was barely noticeable, but after a few seconds of a stare-down, it was there.

Emily pulled out of the driveway and headed straight to Declan's school, with shaking breaths and shaky hands. She'd been avoiding it, but the time had come. She anticipated shock. She anticipated sadness. What she didn't anticipate from the sixteen-year-old who looked so much like his father was such deep understanding and empathy.

She found Declan in the rec room at his school since it was Christmas vacation. Emily had originally planned to talk to Declan over the weekend, when Tom was home. Declan was playing ping pong when Emily came in the room and he immediately set down the paddle when he saw her, a smile spreading across his face. "I thought you wouldn't be here until Saturday!" he exclaimed.

Declan was one of those unique human beings who could actually give a fuck about what anyone else thought. The paddle was down, the game forgotten, and he was hugging Emily in front of his friends before she could get a word out. She'd had no clue on that day in London when she'd made a call to Tom Kohler because he was literally the only person she had in her life at the moment that she could moderately trust that he would be so good for Declan, such a good father, such a good sounding board. She was looking for safety for the little boy, and what she'd gotten, and Declan had gotten, was a truly good man.

Emily laughed when Declan released her. "You're taller than me!"

"Finally! I was close in the summer when I visited you," he responded.

"You were. It's so good to see you, and I'm staying local from now on. London is done. We'll have a lot of time to visit, but I need to talk to you," Emily whispered.

Declan looked at her seriously and her heart sank when the question from his lips was, "Am I in danger?"

She put her hand on his shoulder. "No. Nothing like that, Declan. That's over."

He nodded and walked with her out into the hallway, finding an empty, open classroom and leading her in. "What's going on?" he asked.

This was the little boy who'd grown up being told to pretend Louise was his single mother and not let on that Ian was his father, and he'd never let it slip until Ian told her himself. This was the little boy she'd taken away from everything he knew, had explained to why she had to fake his death and who had understood. He was the little boy she'd stayed with for a few months, before her pregnancy became evident, who she'd read to nightly and whispered words of love and hope for an amazing future in his ear while he fell asleep every night.

She told him about leaving Interpol and leaving London. She told him she was now living just a few minutes from his school with Derek, whom Declan remembered from several years back. And then she told him the reason for her seemingly hasty decisions.

"You have a half sister. Her name is Madeleine. She's ten years old," Emily said while squeezing Declan's hand.

"What?" he whispered quietly.

Declan was unlike Maddie. He was sixteen. He understood sex, reproduction and birth control in a way Maddie couldn't at her age. He also understood Ian Doyle in a way most sixteen year olds shouldn't have to. So Emily was honest with him to an extent. Honest enough that Declan got the picture about how she'd gotten pregnant, and why she'd given Maddie up.

When Emily was finished talking, she sat next to Declan while he took deep breaths. "I have a sister?" he finally asked while blinking back tears.

Emily smiled at him and felt her eyes burning. "You do."

There was nothing about Emily keeping this from him for so many years, nothing that made Emily feel guilty. Declan put his arm around her shoulder and whispered, "I understand. When can I see her, Emily? I have to see her."

* * *

"What's going on?" asked Derek. He'd been in his office for awhile after Emily and Maddie left, trying to gather his emotions, but eventually wandered out to see where the rest of the team was, and he couldn't find them. He finally located Rossi, Reid and JJ in Penelope's office.

"Nothing. We're just wondering why Hotch has been in with the Section Chief since Emily and Madeleine left," said Rossi.

Derek looked out and down the hall and up the stairs and saw Hotch's office with the door standing open. "Has he been in there for an hour?"

"Just about," said JJ.

At that point, Hotch emerged in the hallway with a thick stack of folders in his hand. Derek groaned, thinking there was a case. He couldn't go, not now. But he couldn't really not go either.

Hotch caught his eye and motioned him to the briefing room, along with the rest of the team. They all moved slowly, all of them thinking this was the worst time for a case. When they gathered around the table, Hotch surveyed them.

"Morgan, I've convinced the powers that be that what is going on with you constitutes a family emergency. Between you and JJ, that leaves us two field agents down and not really in a safe or reliable position to take on any new cases." Hotch paused and gestured to the stack of folders. "This is the paperwork we're behind on. I figure we can plow through it together in about four hours. And then, for the first time in as long as I can remember, we are all officially off duty except in the case of local emergencies for the next week."

The team all looked at the relatively small stack of folders and back at Hotch, not quite believing the situation. Penelope was the first to laugh happily. She leaned her shoulder against Derek's and mumbled, "Way to go Casanova."

Rossi stood with a smile on his face and reached for a folder. "My daughter and her family will be here for Christmas. Dinner at my house on Christmas Eve."

Everyone grinned at that and dug into the paperwork. Being motivated like they hadn't been in awhile, it took them just over three hours to finish everything. Though he could have easily gotten a ride from anyone on the team, Derek didn't say a word. He just wanted to go home where Emily was and not have any lingering visitors. He took the metro home and then walked the ten blocks from the station to their house. He'd stopped thinking about it as only his the second the plane from London landed in Dulles.

He walked down the sidewalk and smiled to see the house lit up. He almost felt like he was part of one of those speed dating gatherings, but it was different because there was absolutely nothing superficial between him and Emily. It was just that their mutual goal was to have Maddie with them very soon, and they were trying to condense months of a real relationship into a number of days. When Derek had mentioned that idea to Emily on Monday morning, before work and after marathon morning sex, she'd smiled at him. _We've had a very real, very non-traditional relationship off and on for years, Derek._

And that was true, too.

Still, it was unlike anything he'd ever come close to experiencing before. Not that a relationship ever boiled down to sex, but Saturday night in London had been better than Saturday morning in London, and he didn't think that morning could be topped. Sunday, they'd been exhausted, but Monday night, and Tuesday night...and Tuesday morning and that morning just twelve hours before - wow. They were both together on this warp-speed trajectory, where they were trying to talk about everything, build a relationship with Maddie, and be together emotionally and physically in a small window they'd given themselves until hopefully a little girl would be living with them in their house.

Derek was practically jogging the last few yards to the front door and he smiled again when he stepped inside and smelled food cooking and heard TV sounds. Emily was on the couch watching a basketball game. She glanced over when he opened the door and her face lit up. "You're early."

"Get used to me. I'm officially off for the next week unless everything in the DC area goes to shit, which it won't. What smells so good?"

Emily grinned and stood from the couch. "Lasagne. I've been cooking all afternoon."

Derek raised his eyebrow and she laughed. "OK, it's a frozen one from the store. But I did make a salad."

"So this afternoon with Maddie was okay?" he asked concerned.

Emily hesitated. "Yes and no. It wasn't all love and sunshine, but it was honest. It's strange; it was probably our most negative interaction, but it made me feel good. Like she trusts me to let it all out there in the open. I'm glad you'll be around though, so you can go back with me tomorrow."

He pushed down his disappointment that there hadn't been a major breakthrough with Maddie after they left Quantico. And then he reminded himself that maybe this was a major breakthrough - that they'd had the morning with her crying about her family movies, and Maddie wasn't totally pushing them away.

He put his arms around Emily and kissed her. He reveled in the feeling of her arms around him and her lips pliant under his, kissing him back. When Derek paused to take a breath, Emily leaned her forehead against his. "I saw Declan today."

Derek squeezed Emily tighter. "How did that go?"

He listened while Emily told him everything. He loved every word, and was happy, but there was a little thought in the back of his mind that now Emily would be just minutes away from Tom Kohler much of the time. He knew that was probably ridiculous, though. He knew how that relationship had started and ended and it was nothing like his relationship with Emily. He focused on the important things. He kissed Emily again. "I'm so happy things went well with Declan."

She smiled and nodded. "Me, too. He's amazing."

"You're watching basketball?" he asked.

"My knowledge of the game is rudimentary at best. I'm just trying learn more."

Derek led her back to the couch and they sat down together. "Hotch gave you the week off?" she asked while she leaned against him.

"Not just me. All of us," Derek responded.

Emily turned and stared, shocked. "What kind of drugs are you people slipping that man?"

He laughed and shook his head. "We need it. Rossi wants us all to come for dinner on Christmas Eve. I suppose that's going to depend on whether or not Maddie's here, though she seems to like the team so a gathering might be a good thing."

He felt Emily tense slightly next to him before relaxing again. "Everyone's going?"

Derek pulled his body away from hers and turned to look at her. "It sounds like it. What's wrong?"

Emily shook her head. "Nothing really. I just probably should tell you something, even though I'm sure it's going to be fine."

He looked at her face and saw her bite her bottom lip slightly and her cheeks flush with a bit of embarrassment. Concerned, he squeezed her hands. "What is it?"

"I flew out here for a weekend last February because JJ was quite literally falling apart."

Derek nodded. "She told me about that, about the miscarriage she didn't tell Will about and the flashbacks she was having."

Emily inhaled. "I know. What she didn't tell you was that after she had that miscarriage, she didn't recover from that or her injuries in Afghanistan; she recovered from them in Madrid, with me. I was living under a different name, but she knew where I was. Her time with the Pentagon was over, because of what happened, and she was talking about returning to the BAU. I knew she wouldn't be able to come see me again, and I was starting to think I'd never be able to come home. We were both very broken and desperate that last night she was there. I've done a lot of things in my life that I feel slightly ashamed about now, but that was one of the worst, because of Will."

He could only stare at Emily, absorbing those words and what she was saying without actually saying it. "Will knows?"

"Yes. I told JJ last February that she needed to tell him about the miscarriage and about that night, that if she wanted to move forward she needed to truly have no more secrets from him. Though I'm not sure that night was weighing on her mind much. It was definitely a one-time thing and neither of us really talked about it again, not when I was back with the BAU, not when she visited me in London, not when I came here."

"So you're worried about Will being there on Christmas Eve and it being awkward?" Derek asked.

"No, not really. I don't think it will be. We talked last February, and things are much different and better for him and JJ now. But on the off chance that things are a little off, I wanted to tell you in advance. We were just so far removed from our lives at that point, Derek; she'd spent six months constantly lying to Will about her job and where she was going when she traveled, and I was so alone and scared."

Derek pulled Emily towards him and hugged her. His mind wandered back to discovering Savannah with that other man in her office, and maybe he should have been a little more concerned that Emily didn't value commitment the same way he did, but he wasn't. It was years ago, and not something that continued at all, even though there had been opportunity.

He honestly couldn't put himself in either JJ's or Emily's shoes back then, but he could imagine the high level of desperation for both of them.

"Thank you for telling me," he whispered.

"Of course. I don't want secrets between us."

He pulled back and kissed her. "Me either."

She smiled gently at him. "I love you." Then she laughed.

"What?"

"It's just strange. A happy strange. I went my whole life barely saying that phrase, and never in the context of a romantic relationship. I think I've said it about twenty times to you in the past five days."

Derek grinned. "I'll never get tired of hearing it. And it's twenty-two times, actually. Not that I'm counting."

Emily laughed. "Sure you're not. Do you want to hear something totally cheesy? I was at the grocery store today and looking at cards, because I thought about getting you one. One of them had a quote on the cover that said, 'When you fall in love with the person that makes you question why you were ever afraid of falling in love…'" Emily paused and kissed him again. "That's you, Derek."

Every doubt left him in that moment. They both had their pasts, their impossibly imperfect pasts that were harrowing in so many ways, but beautiful in others, because they'd lead them to this moment, together.

* * *

They drove slowly to Baltimore the next morning; it had snowed the night before and the roads were slick. They pulled up at the group home and Emily was slightly surprised Maddie wasn't on the porch waiting. They walked to the front door together and Emily saw Devon peeking through the front curtains. She smiled at him, and he grinned back. Derek knocked, and Emily was surprised again when Mrs. Murphy answered the door instead of Maddie.

"Oh, hello," said Mrs. Murphy with a smile. "Did Maddie forget something?"

Confused, Emily responded, "No. Where is she?"

Now it was Mrs. Murphy who looked confused. "She was waiting on the porch."

Heart sinking, knowing that Maddie had probably run off somewhere because of what happened the day before, Emily looked at Derek. They went inside with Mrs. Murphy to look through the house and in the backyard, just in case, but there was no sign of her.

Emily thought Maddie was probably on her way to her grandmother's nursing home, and she and Derek were about to go to the car and drive there when Emily felt a tug on her jacket. Looking down she saw Devon. Emily bent down on one knee so she was eye level with him. "Do you know where Maddie is, Devon?"

He nodded and opened his mouth but no words came out for awhile and Emily could see his lips twitching beyond his control. Emily put one hand on his shoulder. "It's okay. She won't be mad at you. We just want to make sure she's safe."

"Sh...sh...she t...t...took the sled."

Mrs. Murphy sighed, part relief and part exasperation. "Patterson Park. It's got a lot of sledding hills. It's about six blocks away."

Emily stood and patted Devon's head. "We'll go find her and make sure she's okay. Thanks, Devon."

Emily and Derek drove to the park and surveyed the area. There was a huge crowd of children and adults sledding. "How will we ever find her?" asked Derek.

"She'll be the one in the ghastly pink jacket not sledding."

Derek looked at her. "How do you know?"

"Because if she wanted to go sledding, there would be no reason to sneak off." Emily scanned the bottom of the hill and finally located Maddie, sitting off to the side away from the action on the hills. She was on the ground, on the sled and looking in her lap. Emily pointed and Derek followed her arm.

"Should we leave her alone?" asked Derek.

Emily shook her head. "No. If she wanted to be left alone, she wouldn't have let anyone see her take the sled."

Derek laughed lightly. "You're kind of freaking me out."

Emily returned the laugh and shrugged. "I get her. I've learned a lot about nature versus nurture the past couple of days, believe me. She more than just looks like me." She took Derek's hand and started walking down the hill towards Maddie.

She didn't look up when they reached her, but she did glance with her eyes. She was looking in her lap because the iPad was there, which is what Emily had suspected. And Maddie was watching the video of her sledding with her mom.

It was cold and Emily and Derek were both wearing jeans, but Emily gathered her jacket as much as possible over her backside and sat in the snow next to Maddie. Derek did the same on the other side of her.

Maddie sniffled and wiped her face with her gloved hand. "Did you cry when you thought about me?" asked Maddie.

Emily felt tears come to her eyes at that question and chose her words carefully. "I cried for days after I had you, and then I decided I couldn't keep crying forever. I kind of did what you did, Maddie - I tried not to think about you so I wouldn't cry. I know now that wasn't the right choice because I wasn't really being me while keeping you a secret, but that's the best I could do at the time. I told JJ about you, and you would have been six years old. And I cried then. I told Derek about you, and you would have been seven at the time, and I cried then, too. When Derek flew to London last weekend to tell me he and JJ had found you, and I learned you weren't happy and living with your parents anymore, I cried harder than I ever have in my life. And then I got on a plane to come see you."

The tears in Emily's eyes ran quietly down her cheeks, and Maddie's audible breathing was the only thing that broke up the silence - a silence that stretched to several, long, uncomfortable minutes.

"If Ian had died before I was born, would you have kept me?" was the question Maddie finally asked.

Emily's heart landed somewhere around her knees. She looked at Derek who gave her an encouraging nod over Maddie's head. It was the question she hoped wouldn't come up, but with Maddie, it was ridiculous to expect she wouldn't be thorough. Emily fisted her hands in her lap, her knuckles going white, nervous that the truth here could ruin everything. "No, Maddie. Not back then. It's not because I didn't care about you. I cared about you and I just wanted you to have a happy life, and I didn't think I could give that to you because I was all alone and not very happy myself."

More silence and then, "You're happy now?"

Emily smiled. "Now I think happiness is a choice, Maddie. In the past six days, I've left my job and left my home and moved in with Derek and I'm trying to get to know you and everything feels like a lot. It's all a little scary, to be honest, but it also feels like the best thing I've ever done in my life. And, yes, I'm happy. I'm happy because I love Derek and I love you, and I have this chance to show you that love."

Emily watched Maddie smile slightly at those words, but more silence followed. Derek spoke up then. "Did you know Emily told Declan about you yesterday?"

Maddie looked over at Derek before turning her head to look at Emily full in the face for the first time that day. "You did?" she asked.

"I did. And he can't wait to meet you. There's some great sledding hills at his school, too. Do you know I've never been sledding?"

Maddie laughed. "What? You've never been sledding?"

Emily shook her head and grinned. "Nope. When I was young I didn't live in places that had a lot of snow."

Maddie stood up and looked like a real, relaxed and happy ten-year-old girl for the first time. She laughed and grinned at Emily and Derek. "You've been sledding, right?" she asked Derek.

Derek laughed and stood. "You might be able to own me on the basketball court, Maddie, but never on a sledding hill. I'll beat you every time."

Emily smiled and moved to stand and Maddie reached for her hand, pulling on her to help her get upright. What surprised Emily the most was that Maddie never let go of her hand. She had the iPad in one hand and Emily's in the other and watched as Derek picked up the sled.

And then Maddie handed the iPad to Emily to hold in her free hand and reached out to hold Derek's free hand. Together they trudged up the hill. Emily's heart had felt like it was bursting the second Derek had shown up in London and she'd accepted Derek's love and decided to try this out. Her heart had been expanding exponentially since that moment. But this...this was something else. It felt like the start of a family, a family she never thought she'd have and didn't believe she really deserved. And here it was - so close - in three-dimensional, technicolor.

"Do you think he'll like me?" asked Maddie quietly.

"Declan? I think he's going to adore you as much as we do."

Overcome with something - love, joy, hope, trust - Emily didn't know - Maddie stopped walking halfway on the journey up the hill and towards Derek's car, when they were all sinking in fresh snow. Maddie let go of Derek's hand and wrapped her arms around Emily, hugging her tight. "OK," Maddie whispered with her cheek against Emily's torso.

Emily didn't know what to think about that. She was overcome with emotions that came so fast and so hard that it felt like a sledgehammer was driving into her. What she knew was that just a fraction of a moment later, when she thought she might fall over from everything she was feeling and everything she was afraid of, Derek's arm was around her, sandwiching Maddie between the two of them. His lips were on her cheek and so quietly that Maddie couldn't hear, he whispered in her ear, "I think you did it, and I can't wait to live this with you."


	19. Chapter 19

_A/N - I am so, so sorry! I hated waiting so long to write this, and it's still not as long as I thought it would be, but that just means more chapters to come. Major work project from hell...DONE! School volunteer job...DONE! Get my twins off to science camp...DONE! Find my writing mojo again...DONE! Enjoy. I promise I won't make you wait two weeks for the next update! :) Cheers! _

* * *

They drove Maddie back to the group home so she could check in with Mrs. Murphy and change out of her snow boots and slightly damp jeans. Devon looked at Maddie nervously when she walked in the house, and Maddie noticed. Before heading upstairs, she smiled at Devon and gave him a one-armed hug. "It's okay," she whispered to him.

Derek and Emily sat on the couch in the living room to wait for Maddie, and Devon shyly crept towards them and sat between them, leaning slightly against Emily. "Sh...she wasn't m...m...mad," he said quietly.

Emily put an arm around him. "No, Devon. She wasn't mad that you told us where she was. I think she wanted us to find her."

Devon looked up and smiled at her, and the smile changed his face dramatically. He'd always been so reserved and quiet on the few occasions Emily had seen him, and he'd never smiled. His eyes practically lit up with his grin.

He was a cute little boy, small for his age. Emily didn't know his whole story at all, but she imagined it was entirely unpleasant, or at least it had been. And she knew he had a baby sister that he missed. But he hadn't lost his ability to care, or to smile.

She found herself frantically trying to blink back tears for reasons she couldn't really analyze in the moment. She glanced at Derek and found him smiling softly at her, looking emotional as well. There was something there, something that was causing the lump in her throat she couldn't swallow past - the resilience of the human spirit, perhaps. The three people on that couch and Maddie upstairs - they'd all had their personal hells they'd lived through, but they were all still there, and doing okay.

Emily was doing better than okay. She acknowledged that; she was better than she'd ever been in her life. She was comfortable with Derek, and in love, and she loved Maddie though she hardly knew her. Madeleine was her daughter and Emily knew she and Derek were _this close_ to taking her home and loving her and putting the pieces of the little girl's life back together.

She moved her arm from around Devon and reached out to touch Derek's shoulder. "Thank you."

He raised his eyebrow. "For what?"

"For flying to London and bringing me home."

* * *

Maddie was relatively quiet on the ride to Declan's school, looking out the the side window in the back seat and taking in the snow-covered scenery. Neither Derek or Emily talked much either. Derek could tell Emily was nervous about Maddie meeting Declan, and still barely hanging onto her emotions.

He reached over and squeezed Emily's hand, and she smiled at him. It wasn't the first time he'd acknowledged that he was getting everything he wanted, wrapped up in a bow and at a rapid pace. And every part of this wild ride was scary for her. He held onto her hand, not wanting to say anything in front of Maddie.

When they entered Virginia, Maddie asked quietly, "Does he know we're coming?"

Emily turned in the seat to smile at her. "I texted him. He says he can't wait and he'll be waiting for us out front."

Derek glanced in the rear view mirror and saw Maddie's nervous nod. "He's a nice kid, Maddie. He's going to think you're great."

Maddie gave him her patented small smile and turned to look out the window again. Twenty quiet minutes later, they pulled up at the school and Declan was there, standing out front, a grin on his face.

While Emily and Derek may have been reserved around Maddie, as well as the other adults on the team except for Penelope, Declan was having none of that. He jogged to the car when he saw them pull in. He didn't give Maddie a moment to feel insecure or hesitant. She stepped out of the car, and Declan's arms were around her, laughing and smiling. "I can't believe I have a sister!"

Maddie was shocked for a second. She was unsure for a second. Her face was a mask of mixed emotions for a second. But then she smiled and hugged Declan back. After a few seconds, he let Maddie go. He reached his hand out to shake Derek's hand, and then put an arm on Emily's shoulder, smiling. He turned his body after that and placed a hand on Maddie's head affectionately. "Emily tells me you are a crazy good basketball player. I have something to show you."

Declan and Maddie started walking towards the school, Maddie with a glance back at Emily and a grin on her face. They followed behind, far enough to not hear the conversation, but close enough to hear that Declan was talking. They both watched, their eyes on Declan and Maddie - complete opposites physically, but linked by a bond that can only come from thinking you didn't have a sibling only to find out you did. Maddie seemed torn between listening to Declan and looking around at the expansive school grounds.

Derek found himself with so many things he wanted to say to Emily, to whisper quietly. Words of encouragement and hope were there, and wanting to check in. He desperately wanted to know that she was okay, that this wasn't all too much for her.

He didn't need to saying anything at all. In the few seconds he spent pondering his words, she linked her arm with his and leaned her head on his shoulder. "I love you, Derek. I think this is going to work," she said softly.

"I think so, too," he responded. He wanted to say more, but then Declan lead Maddie into the gym and they followed. It was Christmas break, but there were still kids on campus since there were a few days until the actual holidays arrived. And inside the gym it appeared there was basketball practice going on. More specifically, girl's basketball practice, and the girls seemed to be middle school age.

Maddie froze in her tracks and took in the scene. At that point Derek and Emily were right behind her and Declan.

"I told the coach about you, Maddie," said Declan. "He said you could practice with them if you want. They have one of the best middle school teams in Virginia. It's almost all seventh and eighth graders, but there a couple sixth graders, girls closer to your own age."

They watched Maddie look down. She was in tennis shoes, not snow boots, but she had on jeans and a sweater, plus her jacket. Declan grinned at her. "There are extra gym shorts in the locker room. I'll point you in the right direction."

Maddie hesitated. "I'm not sure."

Derek was surprised. She seemed fine at the FBI. But maybe this was different to her. Not fun and games, but an actual possibility, and a team. Something she hadn't experienced at all in a couple of years.

Emily put her hand on Maddie's shoulder. "Go on if you want to. If not, it's no big deal. We can go find something else to do. I love watching you play, but only if you want to."

Those words seemed to do the trick because Madeleine grinned at Emily and nodded. They watched her walk off with Declan.

Derek and Emily took a seat on the bleachers and sat quietly. "Who pays for this?" asked Derek as he looked around.

"For Declan? I did the first few years, but Tom does now. He could have and would have from the beginning, but I felt like it was my responsibility."

Derek whistled. "I guess Interpol pays far better than the FBI."

Emily smiled at him, and then laughed quietly. "Not really. I have family money, and I've made smart investments over the years."

Instinctively Derek knew something like this was probably the reality. Single FBI agents don't typically purchase brownstones on Dupont Circle. He squeezed Emily's hand and smiled at her. "That's good. It gives you time to figure things out."

"Us," she said softly, but firmly. "It gives _us_ time to figure things out."

Derek felt his emotions swell at those words and was trying to come up with an appropriate response when Emily nudged his shoulder and pointed. Declan was introducing Maddie to the coach. The coach called the team over and apparently made some introductions and Declan jogged over to them with a grin on his face.

"She looks just like you, Emily!" he said enthusiastically before sitting down.

Emily smiled. "She does. What were you two talking about on the walk to the gym?"

Declan cleared his throat. "She asked if Ian was really a bad guy. I told her he was. And I told her that if there was anyone in the world she could trust it was you. She said she thinks she knows that. And the rest? Well, siblings get to have some secrets, Emily," he said with a smile.

Once again, Derek found himself completely awed by this young man and how he'd managed to become who he was.

"Let's watch," said Declan. They turned towards the court and watched the scrimmage, and Maddie playing point guard for one of the teams.

* * *

After the scrimmage, they had lunch with Declan, and the topics of conversation had been light. Maddie was overjoyed after playing basketball, and the fact that she'd managed to hold her own during the scrimmage. More than hold her own. The coach had come up to her after practice and shook her hand and said that he hoped one day he'd have the honor of coaching her.

Maddie had looked at Emily with a raised eyebrow at that and then smiled at the coach, but she let the matter drop.

Declan had talked about the ski trip to Denver he was taking with Tom over Christmas, but explained he'd be back a couple days after Christmas, and they could get together again.

Maddie had smiled at that. Maddie had hugged Declan goodbye.

And then, on the drive back to Baltimore, Maddie started asking questions that made Emily's heart pound in her chest in hope and excitement.

"_What's your house like?" _

"_Where would I go to school?" _

"_Do you have friends who have kids my age?" _

Emily answered as best she could, and when she was overcome with emotion, Derek sensed it and answered for her. The school question was up in the air. Could she go to school with Declan? Yes, she could. Only about half the students boarded there and it was close to Derek's house, but there were many options.

When they pulled up at the group home, Emily turned in the seat to face Maddie. "You could come stay with us for Christmas, for a few days, to try it out if you want."

Maddie looked down in her lap and shook her head, and Emily's heart sank. And then Maddie spoke, "I want to, but I promised Devon I'd be here for Christmas. I can't just leave him all alone. Not at Christmas. Lily and Marina, the other two little girls in the home are getting placed in foster homes this week. Devon's never really had a Christmas, and I'm going to put the doll under the tree and say it's from Santa." She paused and looked at Emily, "Maybe after Christmas?"

It was right on the tip of Emily's tongue to say Devon could come, too, but she knew that was hasty. She needed to talk to Derek, and she needed to talk to Rose, or Devon's social worker if it wasn't Rose, and see if it was even a possibility. What she knew for certain was that if they got Maddie in their house, she wouldn't be leaving. There would be ups and downs for certain, but it truly was just a matter of getting her there. On her terms. Emily knew that was important, too. Maddie's life had been entirely out of her control for almost two years, and none of it was her fault. Giving her control here was something Emily could do.

She nodded at Maddie, who looked relieved. "After Christmas works, too," Emily said with a smile.

Maddie grinned and moved to get out of the car. Both Derek and Emily got out as well. And they both received hugs goodbye from Maddie for the first time.

Once back in the car, Emily looked at Derek.

"Devon?" they both asked each other at the same time. And then they laughed nervously.

Derek leaned forward and brushed his lips gently against hers. "Whatever feels right to you, Em," he whispered.

Emily thought she should probably think about it. And then she decided to do the thing she'd been doing for the past several days when it came to her personal life and emotions, which was working out better for her than anything else in her life. She listened to her gut instinct, the instinct that would have had her running miles away from all of this days ago, and went with the opposite.

She ran her fingers gently across Derek's cheek. She smiled at him. She whispered she loved him. She picked up her cell phone and called Rose.

* * *

"So not only are you getting Maddie for Christmas, you're getting Devon, too?"

Emily grinned at JJ while butterflies knocked around in her stomach, part nerves and part excitement. "Yep. Tomorrow around ten o'clock in the morning," she said with a small chuckle.

"And Derek's home getting things ready while you shop?" JJ asked.

"He said he had some Christmas preparations to take care of. I have no idea what that means."

JJ stared at her for a few seconds. "I've never seen you this happy. I'm excited for you and nervous, too. Devon sounds like he has a lot of challenges."

Emily nodded and walked beside JJ at the mall, her arms full of bags from her pre-Christmas shopping spree. "He does. He suffered terrible neglect the past couple years of his life, since his grandfather died, apparently. His mom is in jail and she has no rights. His sister has a myriad of health problems because the mom did drugs while she was pregnant. It's why it was difficult to place the baby and Devon together. And Devon..." Emily shook her head, sadness filling her. "He was severely malnourished and underweight when they found him. And he was trying to take care of his newborn sister because the mom had left them home alone. He has learning disabilities, but nothing too severe. He wets the bed often, and has nightmares often. But he's a sweet little boy, and Maddie is happy he's coming, too."

JJ walked beside her, quiet, one hand on her bulging stomach, a small, concerned smile on her lips. "Is this what you want?" she finally asked quietly.

Emily opened her mouth but couldn't immediately come up with a response. She closed her lips and guided JJ into the shoe store. "Just basketball shoes left for Maddie."

She felt, rather than saw, the lift of JJ's eyebrows. Emily set down her bags in the store and and looked at the shoes. And finally she answered. "If you'd told me two weeks ago that I would be living with Derek, Christmas shopping for two children, one of them my biological daughter, and both of them would probably living with us forever, I would have laughed your ass out of my door."

She felt JJ's hand on her arm. "And now?"

Emily smiled and shook her head, "You don't know you want what you don't let yourself experience until you do. It all just feels exactly right. Scary as fuck, but exactly right."

JJ laughed at that and gave Emily's shoulders a squeeze. She picked up a pair of basketball shoes and looked at Emily. "How about these."

Emily took in the white shoes with the pink accents and chuckled. "Only if you want Maddie to hate you forever."

They finished shopping and JJ drove her back to Derek's house.

"I'm really surprised Penelope didn't join us," Emily said.

"Apparently she's on her own Christmas mission. I'm not sure what that is - she wouldn't say. But if it meant missing out on the mall with the both of us, it must have been important. You'll see her at Rossi's on Christmas Eve."

Emily hesitated at that. "And Will's okay with that?"

JJ reached her hand out to touch Emily's. "He's fine, Em. Really. We're better than we ever have been, and it's going to be fine. Better than fine."

They pulled onto the street and Emily was surprised to see the front of the house lit up with Christmas lights. She was more surprised to see the basketball hoop set up in the driveway. It hadn't been there when she left with JJ earlier in the day. There were lights on in the house - she could see the Christmas tree lights, but everything else was a soft glow. Emily raised her eyebrows.

JJ got out of the car and helped Emily carry all of the bags to the front door. When Emily opened it, she was overwhelmed by candlelight. Not a single lamp or overhead light was on in the house.

JJ laughed. She set the bags she was holding down by the front door and said, "I think this is probably where I should make my exit. Have fun on your last night not having kids in the house. That certainly seems to be Derek's plan."

Emily blushed and JJ laughed harder. She turned to walk down the porch.

"Jayje," Emily finally managed to call out.

JJ stopped and turned on the walkway.

"Thank you. I've told Derek thank you for coming to London to get me, but thank you for finding her. For looking even when you didn't think you were."

JJ smiled. "I've done a lot of pretty great things in my life, Em. But finding Maddie? That was the coolest."

Emily smiled and shook her head. "It was pretty awesome. But the coolest thing was calling me on my shit last February so I would even be in the emotional mindset to be here."

JJ flung her arms out to the side. "We had to go where we went to get where we are."

It was Emily's turn to laugh, though there were tears right there under the surface, too. "You sound like Dr. Suess."

"Watch it, Prentiss. Even seven months pregnant, I could still take you out."

Emily laughed again. "Drive safely, JJ. I'll call you tomorrow." She moved to close the door and lock it. She turned and called out, "Derek?"

"Upstairs," he called back.

Emily kicked off her shoes and took off her coat and hung it on one of the hooks by the front door. She made her way upstairs and into their bedroom. There were candles all around, but the brightest glow seemed to be coming from the bathroom. She headed towards to the door and found Derek in the large jacuzzi tub, covered in bubbles.

"About time," he said with a smile.

"Do you take bubble baths often?" she asked him with a smirk.

"Actually, I was thinking about that. I think this is my first one since I was really little."

Emily gave him what she hoped was a mischievous grin. "Well, I'll let you enjoy it," she said and turned back around towards the door.

"Hey!" he exclaimed.

She laughed and turned back towards him. Before he could say anything she started stripping off her clothes. She felt his eyes burning into her as she did so, but she didn't meet them until all of her clothes were a puddle on the floor.

And then when she raised her head, the smoldering look he was giving her instantly made her knees feel like they could barely hold her up. She made her way to the tub and moved her body so she could sink into the water. At first she was facing him, but as she squatted down, his hands reached out and grabbed her waist, turning her and settling her so she was leaning against his chest.

"How was shopping?" he asked.

"Good. I got everything. How were things here?" she asked, slightly breathless. Contact with his skin had been plentiful the past handful of days, but it was still so new.

She shivered when she felt his lips on her shoulder and the back of her neck. "Good," he responded. "I got outdoor lights up. I bought a basketball hoop and got it up. I moved the desk in the den down to the living room and got a twin bed set up in the den for Devon. And I bought a whole lot of candles."

Emily laughed. "In five hours? How did you manage all of that in your small car?"

Derek was quiet. He ran his fingers up and down her arms. "Will helped. With his truck. I wanted to check in with him before Christmas Eve. Whatever happened, however he's doing, I'd respect it. But I want that night at Rossi's to be comfortable for Maddie and Devon and I wanted to make sure. And it will be. He's happy for us and he's really over it. But once I called him, I thought I should have asked you first. I'm sorry I didn't."

Emily pushed away from him and turned to face him in the tub, her legs falling over his. She was actually relieved and thankful, but she wanted to see his face. JJ said it would be fine, but now it seemed more certain. "You don't have to be sorry. I trust your judgement. I'm glad you talked to him."

Derek gave her a relieved smile and nodded. She felt his hands running up and down her legs. "I have no freaking clue how we got here, Em, but I'm glad we're here now."

Emily sank back so her shoulders were resting against the opposite side of the tub. She closed her eyes, relaxing under the touch of his hands. "Me, too," she said.

She heard the water wave around her body and felt his body move slightly. His hands traveled up her thighs under the water. "I am so in love with you," he whispered as his hands trailed over her hips bones.

Emily snapped her eyes open to look at him. The reverence in his eyes took her breath away. This was everything in a lot of ways. This was them, the joined entity she was willing to trust with her heart in a way she never thought she was capable of trusting.

"I put on a vest," she whispered.

Derek raised his eyebrow at her. His completely unique eyebrow. "Huh?" he asked with a small smile while trailing his hands up her ribs.

"You asked me if I was glad I was alive. Years ago. I was and I am, but I put on a vest because when I was buying a gun to go after Doyle, I rested my hips on the counter and felt the bruises from that night on your desk in your office and I thought maybe I didn't absolutely have to die. I bought a vest. It's really why I'm still here." She didn't want to cry this night, but the tears came anyway. "I'm more happy I'm alive right now than I ever have been, Derek," she whispered.

He stared for a brief second before settling into the smile she found such comfort in. With the flicker of flames illuminating his face, she felt his hand move to wipe her face. "No more tears, Em," he whispered.

She didn't know what tomorrow would bring. Not at all. But with his hands on her, with the way he was looking at her, she trusted that it would be okay. She nodded into the palm of his hands and felt him shift his body fully so he was covering her. His lips brushed over her forehead, her eyes, her cheeks. Then landed under each ear and on her neck. Her body pulled him closer and finally, right before his lips touched hers, he whispered, "We are both going to get so good at living, Emily. Believe me."

His lips were on hers and she was responding to his touch, but the second they came up for air, she said the strongest truth she'd ever felt in her life. "I believe you."


	20. Chapter 20

His skin was not something she'd ever given herself the freedom to think about or explore. Not that time in his office at the BAU so many years ago, and not in her flat that July he came to visit with Penelope. That had been her giving only on the surface level of her emotions. But in the past six days, she'd allowed herself the openness to really consider Derek, his body and soul, and she couldn't get enough of it.

The past several days had been a unique dance - evenly matched, but an exchange of who took the lead. For her, it was the feel of his skin under her hands, before they'd barely gotten started: The rigid planes of his muscles that gave way to the pressure of her fingers, his eyes that watched her face as she watched his body shiver and react to her. And when he couldn't stand it anymore, when the staccato of her fingers and hands and lips had driven him crazy with desire, he'd take over and she'd yield control. Easily. She didn't know before this that she could give up her inner control that easily.

She'd watched him for years, off and on, on the dance floor when the team had gone out. At first, when they barely knew each other, she watched him with mirth. And then she'd started watching him with interest, but she'd tried to hide it and she barely let herself acknowledge it. And then, the summer before she found out Doyle escaped, she realized she was jealous, jealous of the other women dancing with him. She really didn't let herself contemplate that for too long; in fact, she'd gotten angry with herself about those emotions.

But it didn't matter now. What mattered was that she'd never seen his eyes look at any woman like they looked at her. What mattered was that finesse and coordination on the dance floor translated crazily well into a horizontal position. What mattered was that when he got excited to the point that he could no longer stand her slow and easy touches, he took over and then drove her absolutely insane.

What mattered was that she let him.

She'd enjoyed sex before, on many occasions. And she'd pretended to enjoy sex before on many others, mostly when she was on an assignment. But to be completely surrounded and overwhelmed by someone she trusted completely, and to let herself go and let someone in, when there was nothing but possibility and a beautiful future in front of her with no end date, was something else entirely.

She'd never been this free before with anyone. She was almost embarrassed about how vocal, how responsive and how open she was. He didn't just crawl over or push down her walls, he annihilated them in those moments and made her forget she even had such walls around her emotions to begin with.

In the days she'd been back in Virginia and in that house, she'd cried several times while he made love with her. She didn't mean to, and she tried to hold it back, but she was overcome with emotions she couldn't grasp onto. They weren't sobs or a torrent of tears, but rather an involuntary trickle that seemed to come without warning whenever she met his eyes. And when he saw it, he'd clasp her fingers or touch her face or kiss her, and it was like a salve to the open wound that was her heart.

But that last night, the night before they got Maddie and Devon, she didn't cry. She knew instinctively that that night was not about talking about tomorrow, but just about him and her; the end-cap to a rapid-fire journey from being single to being a family.

She met his gaze, she gave back every emotion he'd given her the past several days and held on for what seemed like forever. Because if there was one thing Derek had, it was stamina, and that was only second to his control. Every time she moaned or whimpered or screamed through an orgasm, it only seemed to bolster his restraint. And on that last night before the kids came to the house, she started wondering if she as even going to be able to walk the next day.

What started in the bathtub had moved quickly to the bed, and then they'd stopped and ate dinner, and everything had picked up and continued from there - right in the kitchen, on the stairs, and back upstairs to the bed. When they were a breathless, sweaty, sated tangle of limbs on the bed again, Derek stared at her and ran his fingers across her forehead and down her face, brushing his thumb over her lips.

"I think this is my favorite part," he whispered.

Emily opened her eyes and managed a weak lift of one eyebrow and a soft chuckle. "Sure it is."

She felt his breath huff out in humor and wash over her face. "OK, it's maybe a tie. But seeing you this happy and relaxed is just about as good as how we got to this point."

Emily reached her fingers out and touched his face. "I didn't even know I could be like this."

He stared at her for seconds that seemed like minutes, his fingers lightly tracing over her skin, his mouth opening and then closing, like nothing he was thinking of saying was the right thing.

Emily tried to let him off the hook. "I wish I never ran away from you. I didn't need to, not ever. I just didn't know how to let myself trust like this."

She watched him swallow and blink his eyes rapidly.

"What changed?" he asked.

She smiled softly and kissed him gently. "You came after me. After everything, you didn't let me go. And I realized being without you was the last thing I wanted."

His eyes shifted down, not able to meet hers. "If we hadn't found Maddie, do you think you would have come back?"

Emily slid her hand down his face and lifted his chin so his eyes met hers again. "I think after your visit at Thanksgiving, I would have ended up back here soon, or I would have stolen your passport and locked you in my flat the next time you visited. I knew when you left after Thanksgiving, I wasn't going to let you go either. I mean that."

He surprised her then, smiling slightly before using his strength to flip her onto her back. His mouth and tongue blazed a trail from her face, down her neck and over her breasts and torso. Maybe the reality that this was last night for this kind of absolute freedom, at least for awhile, made him more virile and her more excited, but it still surprised her when she groaned under his ministrations and arched her body closer to his mouth. It surprised her more when he linked his fingers with hers and drew her hands over her head, and she felt the hard length of him pressed against her stomach. The turn-around time had been scant minutes.

Derek's movement were slow and easy as he entered her and he kept his hands loosely linked with hers, their arms above her head, his eyes on her, his hips and her counter-thrusts a gentle rocking more than anything else. She didn't think she had anything more to give that night, so it was a shock a few minutes later when a gently, rolling orgasm waved through her body, but Derek still kept moving.

She didn't want to tire out, she didn't want to say she couldn't take it anymore. She tried to lift her legs, to speed him up, to do anything to help him out, but several long minutes later, he was still moving inside her. She pulled her hands away from his and pulled him down for a kiss. "I'm inside your walls, too. We're so perfect together, Derek, and I wouldn't want it any other way," she whispered against his lips.

Emily felt his moan against her lips and throughout her body. She felt him shudder around her. She realized she didn't own the market on being closed off and then being overwhelmed when opening up to unconditional love and possibilities.

She wrapped her arms around him, pulling his body firmly against hers while their heartbeats slowed and he gasped for breath. "We're infinite," she whispered in his ear.

* * *

Derek woke up and glanced over Emily's head at the clock. It was five o'clock in the morning and he was wide awake, eagerly anticipating what was to come in just a handful of hours. He squeezed his arm more firmly around her and kissed her shoulder. She stirred slightly, and he released her. "Keep sleeping," he whispered in her ear, then watched her as he moved away from her, waiting for her to settle into sleep again.

He rinsed off quickly in the shower and made his way downstairs, to the bags Emily had brought home from the mall the day before. He knew exactly which gifts were to be from them, which things were stocking stuffers, which things were going to be labeled from "Santa" for Devon's sake.

Then, in one of the bags, Derek found four Santa hats and his heart melted and he blinked back tears. He pulled out the wrapping paper and looked at the colorful rolls, only one with pictures of Santa on it, for the Santa gifts. Knowing what else he'd probably find, he kept looking through the bags until he located the four closely-matching sets of pajamas.

He heard Emily on the stairs and looked over to see her wearing his bath robe. She smiled warmly at him. "Everything essential for a traditional Morgan Family Christmas," she whispered.

He'd written about this in the journal he sent her on her birthday in October, about how Christmas was his family's best time before his father was murdered - about the traditions of opening new pajamas on Christmas Eve, and wearing Santa hats and drinking hot chocolate when they unwrapped the rest of their gifts on Christmas morning. And Emily had remembered, right down to the box of hot cocoa mix.

Overcome with emotion and love for her, but with a smile and giddiness about Christmas he hadn't felt since before his father was murdered, he walked towards Emily and wrapped her in a hug. "This is going to be the first of many merry Christmases, Em. Thank you."

She kissed him and smiled. "Of course. Why don't you start wrapping and I'll start a pot of coffee."

Derek was sitting on the floor wrapping Maddie's new jacket when Emily walked back into the living room. He'd waited a long time for this, to have a family at Christmas, to give back to a child what he'd experienced as a young boy at Christmas, before his father was gone and everything always felt ruined and sad.

He didn't know he was crying as he cut the wrapping paper. He became aware of it when he felt Emily's hand on his neck, and then felt her body sink down behind him, her arms around his waist and her chin on his shoulder. These touches from her always surprised him. He'd loved her for years because he knew she was warm and caring; the physical expression of that still shocked him.

"You should call your mom. Even if we don't know exactly how this is going to work out, I think you'd feel better if you told your mom what was happening," she whispered.

The fact that she knew what he'd been thinking about wasn't surprising. Almost from the first moment they'd met, Emily could read him pretty easily and knew just what to say to him. She was right. The fact that all of the past week or so had been going on without telling his mom was weighing on him. This was huge. This was the most significant thing he'd ever undertaken in his life, the most real. And Fran Morgan needed to know.

"Are you going to tell your mom?" he asked.

He felt her shaking her head before she spoke, "Not yet. There's a huge difference here, Derek. I don't want my mother anywhere near Maddie, or Devon for that matter, before they are feeling secure and settled, because she'd likely make them feel insecure and uncomfortable. But that's not true of your mom. She'd make them feel more welcomed and loved from the minute she saw them. That I know just from what you've told me about her."

He nodded his head and stood. He bent to kiss Emily's forehead before he walked to retrieve his phone. He watched Emily take over the wrapping while he sank onto the couch and called his mom.

"Ma?" he said when she answered. And then, with a glance at Emily, he found himself overwhelmed with emotion again. He took in a deep breath and tried to speak. "Mom, I have something to tell you." He smiled at Emily and continued, "Are you sitting down?"

* * *

It was either too fast and insane or too fast and completely perfect, what she and Derek were doing. She tended to lean towards the latter. It was insane only in that most people wouldn't understand how something that happened so quickly could ever work in the long run; it was perfect because it was them.

Emily listened to Derek on the phone with his mom. There was a moment of longing there, a moment of reflection where she wished she had that kind of real relationship with her own mother.

She listened to Derek tell his mom about how much he loved Emily, the truth about Maddie, and how Devon fit into the equation, and Emily wrapped presents and listened, getting more excited by the minute. She watched Derek from the corner of her eye when he moved from the couch, still on the phone, and knelt next to her. She felt his arm move around her waist as he whispered into the phone, "Yes, I'm happy."

Emily watched Derek disconnect the call a few minutes later. She felt his lips on her cheek and neck. She watched him stand and gather the Santa gifts and stocking stuffers and walk up the stairs, probably to put them in their closet. Emily started gathering the scraps of wrapping paper to throw them away. A few seconds later, Derek returned and they both put the other presents under the tree.

When he guided her upstairs and to the shower after that, she wasn't sure what to expect. She was open to anything, but what she got was just as perfect as everything else, without him having to ask, suggest or say a word. After he'd washed her hair and body and let the soap rinse away from her, he wrapped her in a hug, one hand around her waist and the other gently rubbing her shoulders. "Nervous?" he asked.

They had about thirty minutes until Rose would show up with Maddie and Devon. "Terrified and ecstatic all at the same time," she responded.

"It's a strange combination of feelings, isn't it?" he said with a light laugh.

"Indeed."

They dried off and got dressed. They looked at each other and smiled frequently, and Derek never let his body get too far away from hers. They were nibbling on toast and drinking coffee thirty minutes later, sitting closely next to each other at the kitchen table, when the doorbell rang.

What Emily would always remember in that moment with absolute clarity was Derek immediately standing, a grin on his face, his hand outstretched to take hers and pull her to a standing position as well. He whispered the words, "We're going to be the best family ever," and then he pulled her towards to door.

He looked back at her before he turned the door knob and seemed elated to see her smiling, too. His lips lingered on her forehead for the briefest moment before pulling back. "Ready?" he asked.

His excitement was catching. She remembered herself in his apartment several years back, too afraid to trust or to love or to let him in, running away the second he mentioned kids or the idea of a permanent relationship with her. She felt like an entirely different person now. She nodded at him and smiled. She was ready. She loved him and as crazy and precarious as this all seemed, she was certain it was sure thing. A sure, wonderful, thing, even if the start was strange and fast and it might not be easy. "I love you," she whispered as she watched his hand turn the nob.

Rose had a suitcase in each hand. Devon was grinning from ear to ear, but Maddie's emotions were a blank mask, except for her eyes which betrayed her. She looked beyond Emily and Derek into the house, but when her eyes caught either of theirs for a fraction of a moment, there was happiness there. She just was trying not to show it.

Rose stepped inside and set down the bags. Maddie and Devon followed together, each carrying a couple of smaller bags as well. They stared at each other. Rose broke the silence, "Why doesn't Derek show me around the house while Emily gives you two your own tour?" she asked.

Small nods from both of the kids. Derek lead Rose upstairs to show her the evidence of the last check-box she needed to fill in on her form, that Derek's gun was safely locked away.

Emily realized her entire body was trembling, but she hoped it didn't show. "Want to start with the kitchen and downstairs, or do you want to see your rooms first?"

"We're already here," said Maddie, looking around the kitchen.

Emily was slightly taken aback by the sarcasm and flat tone. Maddie had almost completely done away with that when talking to her the past few days, but it was back now. She realized Maddie was probably just as nervous, if not more, as she was.

"That we are," said Emily with a smile. Her heart fluttered when she felt Devon's small hand touch and then grab onto hers. Emily watched Maddie glance at Devon's hand and then she looked back at Emily.

"Sorry," Maddie said softly. She took a breath and smiled slightly at Emily. "Why don't you show us around downstairs first?"

Emily grinned at her daughter, _her daughter, _and started leading the kids through the downstairs. Derek and Rose joined them. They ended in the living room and she felt Devon pull away from her. He knelt by the Christmas tree and looked at the wrapped gifts there. He reached out one uncertain finger and touched the label on the gift nearest him. "D...D...Devon?" he asked quietly and looked at Emily.

Emily blinked back tears and smiled at the little boy. "Yep. That one says Devon, and that one you get to open tomorrow night on Christmas Eve. The rest we'll open the next day, on Christmas morning."

Devon's eyes popped open bigger when he heard Emily say, "The rest." He glanced under the tree again and then turned to smile at Maddie. He pointed to a gift and stuttered only slightly. "That's yours Maddie!"

Emily felt Maddie lean her head softly against her side. It was brief and slight and could have been brushed off as accidental, but Emily knew it was deliberate. Derek scooped Devon up from the floor and Devon laughed.

"It's exciting, isn't it, buddy?" Derek asked the little boy.

Devon nodded and smiled again. Derek kept hold of Devon and lead the way upstairs. They showed the kids their rooms. They were plain and sparsely furnished, but roomy and nice. Emily and Derek thought the kids might like to decorate them on their own. Devon seemed thrilled with just the simple bed and dresser, and the superhero bedding Derek had picked out the day before. "Iron Man!" he shouted.

Rose left them shortly after that, and Emily stayed with Maddie in her room and helped her unpack her things while Derek unpacked with Devon. Maddie was quiet, but seemed content, at least about unpacking. Rose had told Emily and Derek that Maddie had refused to unpack at her last placement, telling the foster parents right away that she didn't count on being there long.

Emily was pleased to see that Maddie hadn't just brought clothes with her. She'd brought books and pictures of her and her parents and other decorative items that told Emily she was planning to stay.

"I have more things," Maddie said softly. "In the basement at Mrs. Murphy's house. Just little things from my old house and bedroom. Mrs. Murphy said we could go back after Christmas and get them."

"Absolutely," Emily responded.

"Maybe when we go do that we can also go visit my grandmother?" Maddie asked softly.

"Of course. We'll take you to visit her any time you want, Maddie."

Maddie nodded and started unpacking clothes and putting them in the dresser. "We're going to Mr. Rossi's house tomorrow for Christmas Eve?"

Emily grinned. "Yes. But you don't have to call him Mr. Rossi. JJ's son and Hotch's son just call him 'Dave.'"

"And you call Mr. Hotchner, 'Hotch'?"

"Most of the time, yes."

Maddie shook her head. "Weird. But okay. What will people be wearing tomorrow night?"

Emily handed Maddie a stack of t-shirts to put in the drawer and shrugged. "Whatever they're comfortable with. Jeans and a sweater is fine, Maddie. Perfectly fine."

Madeleine eyed her. "Will the other kids there be dressed up, though?"

Emily hesitated. She'd been to Rossi's on Christmas Eve, once, years ago. Henry had been a toddler then and Jack was just five years old, and yes, people had dressed nicely, even the kids. "They might be."

Maddie blinked and nodded but didn't say anything else. Emily watched the clothes come out of the suitcase. There were jeans and track pants and sweats and shorts. Everything was very casual and comfortable.

"Would you like to get something to wear tomorrow night?" Emily asked. "We could go shopping, just you and me, if you want. And if you don't want to, we can all wear jeans and sweaters tomorrow."

Maddie's shoulders stiffened for a moment, and then she quietly put clothes in her dresser for several more minutes, not saying anything. When the suitcase and bags were empty and stowed away in her closet, Maddie turned to survey the space. "It's a nice room," she volunteered quietly.

Emily smiled. "I'm glad you like it."

The little girl turned to fully meet Emily's eyes. She stared and blinked slowly. "Foster parents don't usually offer to take you shopping the first day; they're usually waiting for that first check." The tone was a challenge, Maddie's way of saying she didn't quite trust or believe all of this.

"Maddie," Emily breathed out and sank down on the edge of the bed. She knew the little girl was jaded and cautious and didn't trust easily, and it was understandable. She knew Maddie had a very negative perspective of the entire foster care system, the most negative stories being her truth when the most positive ones past her by, even though she'd played a part in that negativity in her last two placements. Her daughter had lived the negative for the past two years. Emily wasn't quite sure what to say. She gambled. "We're not taking those checks, Maddie. For you or Devon. Technically we are because we have to, but we're donating them back to Mrs. Murphy's group home. It seems like a good place. We want you here because we want to take care of you, and you and Devon will never, ever be just foster kids to me and Derek. We can't wait to take care of you and let us love you."

Maddie blinked rapidly and then turned to sit next to Emily on the bed. She leaned her body against Emily's and Emily put her arm around her and kissed the silky black hair on her head. "We can go shopping if you want," Maddie whispered.

* * *

The next three days were full of surprises, and they started with the shopping trip. Maddie gravitated right towards the Christmas dresses. She didn't pick out anything too fancy, but she looked cute in the skirt and sweater set she chose. Maddie grinned brightly at herself in the dressing room mirror, and grinned even more when Emily suggested they go to boy's section and pick out something for Devon.

Emily had only seen snow boots and sneakers for shoes, so she offered to get Maddie some other shoes as well, and Maddie had not only accepted, she held Emily's hand as they walked through the crowded department store. Emily barely felt like her legs would carry her through the walk with that simple touch; she wanted to sink to her knees and wrap her arms around Madeleine and promise the little girl she'd never let her go until Maddie believed it. Instead she settled for a deep breath and a slight squeeze of the small hand in hers.

When they arrived home from the mall that afternoon, Emily was surprised to see Derek out front playing in the snow with not only Devon, but Henry as well. Emily turned off the engine and stood from the car, looking at the three, breathless, happy faces staring back at her. Maddie was quickly by her side.

"What's going on?" Emily asked with a smile.

Derek grinned. "Devon was curious about who he'd meet tomorrow, so JJ dropped Henry by to play for a couple of hours."

Emily smiled at Henry, whom she hadn't seen in years. Henry returned a smile that looked every bit like JJ's. Then she glanced at Devon, and everything happened quickly. Devon had a snowball in his hand. "S...s...snowball f...fight," he said enthusiastically, and then he threw it.

There was no aim and no intention, but before Emily could react, that snowball landed right on the side of her face and neck. There was a beat of stunned silence, and Emily heard Devon gasp. Emily did something she'd never really done before - she acted completely spontaneously and joyfully. She smiled at Devon's scared face. "Snowball fight?" she asked.

Devon nodded nervously.

"Boys against girls," Emily called out. "Get them, Maddie!"

Shrieks of laughter filled the yard as Maddie whooped and jumped into the game, gathering snow and flinging it at the boys.

Emily was forty-five years old and had never really played in the snow; she didn't even know she could have fun like this. She and Maddie chased the boys from the front of the house to the back, and then, with their backs pressed against the trunk of a tree to provide them a moment to catch their breath, as snowballs flew past on either side of them, their eyes met and they smiled at a each other - the first genuine smile they'd shared without any heavy emotional backdrop.

* * *

Derek and Emily had spoken at length with Rose about how to approach things with the kids. The fact that it was Christmas was good. The holiday provided a honeymoon of sorts, but neither Emily or Derek wanted Christmas to end before they established some ground rules, particularly with Maddie. They talked together at dinner that first night, after JJ came to pick up Henry.

Rule number one - no taking off. If Maddie needed space, she was more than welcome to take it, but she needed to let them know. Maddie nodded her head slowly at that, but she agreed.

Other than that, they kept things light - pitch in around the house and talk through problems as they came up. The pitching in was easy and natural for both Maddie and Devon as they had similar rules at Mrs. Murphy's house. When dinner was over, both the kids naturally stood to help clear the plates. Derek stayed with Maddie in the kitchen, doing the dishes, while Emily spent a little one-on-one time with Devon.

"How do you feel about today?" Derek asked her as he rinsed off a plate and handed it to her to put in the dishwasher.

Maddie rolled her eyes but smiled at the same time, "You sound like one of the many therapists I've seen."

Derek laughed. "OK, let me rephrase that. You're about as good at a snowball fight as you are at basketball. You kicked my butt today."

Maddie laughed. "It was fun. This place is different."

"How do you mean?"

"Well, for one thing, when I said I didn't want to spend Christmas without Devon, you both just jumped in and took him, too. And, also, I'm pretty sure I could be mean and bratty and you'd keep me no matter what. So it's nice to not have to pretend to be mean, you know?"

Derek did know. He understood what she was saying. "It was probably pretty exhausting to pretend to be mean," he responded neutrally.

Maddie didn't reach for the plate he handed her; she stared at him instead. He could see her fighting the urge to bolt, and see when she made the decision to stay put. She sighed and took the plate. "I'm trying to remember to be how I used to be. I promised myself I'd do that on the drive here this morning. For me and for Devon. This is a good place for him, too."

Derek dried his hands and bent down so he was eye level with Maddie. "Emily loved you the second she gave birth to you, Maddie, she just couldn't take care of you then and keep you safe. When I showed her your picture last Saturday in London, all she wanted to do was get back here as fast as possible and get to you. And I cared about you the second I met you on that driveway at Mrs. Murphy's, because I love Emily and I knew you were hers. We're not letting you go, no matter what you say or do or feel. Just be your real self, Maddie, and I think before long you're going to start remembering that life can be good, and you can feel secure and happy."

Maddie nodded and blinked back tears. "I knew you weren't a creep, even though you did follow me to my grandmother's nursing home."

Derek grinned at that and straightened. He rubbed Maddie's head affectionately. "Good to know I pass Madeleine Bedford's creep-o-meter."

They got back to the business of dishes and Maddie laughed after a few seconds. "Creep-o-meter. That's good."

* * *

The scream shattered through the house and blasted Emily and Derek from deep sleep to wakefulness. It took them both a second to remember where they were and what was going on.

"Devon," Emily sighed and jumped up from the bed.

Either because her bedroom was closer, or because she was so attune to Devon's nightmares and heard the telltale signs before the loud scream, Maddie was already in Devon's room by the time they got there, laying next to him on his bed and rubbing his back, assuring him it was okay.

Emily squeezed herself in on the other side of the bed and put her hand on Devon's back. "It's okay, Maddie. We've got this. You can go back to bed."

Maddie didn't budge until Emily saw Derek's hand gently touch her head. "Come on, Maddie. I'll tuck you back in."

Emily watched as Maddie stood and both she and Derek disappeared from her view. She turned her attention to Devon, who was alert now and staring at her with wide eyes, tears streaming down his face. Rose had told them that either Devon really didn't remember his nightmares, or he wasn't willing to share what they were about. Emily rubbed his back. "It's okay, Devon. You're safe here," she whispered.

Devon moved his little body and clasped onto the front of Emily's pajama top with each hand. He moved until he could burrow his head under her chin, and Emily felt her heart shatter into a million pieces. She'd felt this before - with Declan when he was little - but it was different. With Declan, she'd never been in a position where she could give him the love and security he needed, so she'd held back a lot. But with Devon, not only could she and Derek do this, they would. They'd signed onto for this and Emily realized in that moment she really wanted it, all of it, not just with Maddie, but with Devon, too. She may not have a strong relationship with her own mother, but she could forge that motherly bond with Maddie and Devon over time.

She laid there, wide awake, and held onto the little boy in her arms until his breathing evened out and she knew he was asleep again. She carefully stood up so she didn't disturb him and was surprised when she turned and found Derek in the doorway. Emily gave him a watery smile and stepped towards him.

"You're good at this," Derek whispered. It wasn't said in surprise, or as reassurance. It was a quietly stated fact.

Emily tilted her head so her forehead rested against Derek's chest. She felt his hand raise to the back of her neck and his lips on her hair. "You're shaking," he whispered.

She was trembling again, but not because she was scared. She was trembling because she didn't quite know herself in that moment, but she liked herself better than she ever had. "I was laying there thinking that it was about seven o'clock in the morning in London, and the original plan was for me to be getting on a plane right about now to come visit you for five days," she whispered back.

She felt the quiet huff of a laugh on her head and put her arms around him and continued, "I was thinking that this is much, much better."

* * *

_A/N - I couldn't just launch them right into Christmas. You'll get at least one more chapter, probably two, maybe more. I'm not sure. :) _


	21. Chapter 21

_A/N - This one is all Emily POV. I started alternating and it got messy. So then I went back and re-did it and I'm much happier with the results. Because as much as this story involved Derek and even JJ, it was really Emily's journey. And, no, it's not over yet! :) _

_XXXXXXXXXXXX_

Emily startled awake again on Christmas Eve morning, but this time it wasn't from Devon screaming with a nightmare - it was the sound of his giggling that woke her up, and the sound of what sounded like Maddie shushing him.

Derek's chest was comforting and solid against her back, his hand under her pajama shirt and laying flat against her stomach. When she tried to move, he gripped her tighter and she smiled. "I should check on them."

"I think they're playing in Maddie's room. Just stay a second," Derek mumbled against the skin on the back of her neck. "Just listen."

Emily settled her head back on the pillow and listened to the muffled sounds coming from down the hall. And then she heard it, though she couldn't quite hear all the words. Devon was talking to Maddie without a single stutter.

She turned in Derek's arms to face him, her eyes wide. "It must only be bad when he's nervous, and he's not nervous around her. Rose never mentioned that, though. Maybe she and Mrs. Murphy didn't know."

Derek smiled at her and nodded. "We'll know more when we get their records next week. I just was enjoying laying here listening to them. They adore each other."

Emily returned his smile and whispered, "And I adore you."

She realized she'd never said that word before out loud to anyone, but it was the truth. He'd been so warm and wonderful this week and at some point a few days back she'd realized that this wasn't only about everything that was going on; it was just Derek Morgan. Loving him was easy; the shocking part was how easy it was for her to let him love her. Adoration seemed an appropriate descriptor.

She shifted her body lower on the bed so she could rest her cheek against his chest and sank into his embrace, sighing when his hand moved to her back and started rubbing gently against her skin. "We don't have to be at Rossi's until five o'clock. What do you want to do all day?" she asked.

"Already planned," he said. She could hear the mirth and excitement in his voice.

"Well, are you going to tell me the plan?" she asked.

"I think it's time that you, Emily Prentiss, finally tried sledding."

Emily smiled against his chest. "I'm going to be happy when it's spring and summer, when your idea of 'living' doesn't involve me freezing my ass off."

Derek laughed and hugged her tighter. They stayed like that, listening to the happy sounds of Maddie and Devon from down the hall. After several minutes they got up to check on them. Emily knocked on Maddie's door.

Maddie opened it a crack, enough so just her face was showing. "Good morning," she said.

"Good morning to you. Is everything okay?"

"We're fine. We just need a few more minutes," the little girl said with her small grin.

Devon's face appeared down by Maddie's knees where he could find a space to squeeze through the small opening in the door. "It's a s...s...surprise!" he exclaimed with twinkling eyes.

Emily grinned at the obvious joy on his face. "Okay. Derek and I will go downstairs and start breakfast. Just come on down when you're ready."

Emily followed Derek down the stairs and they headed to the kitchen. He started coffee while she pulled out eggs. She was going to have to do something about this cooking thing. She knew how to make enough to keep herself alive between orders of take-out, but not enough to cook for a family with any sort of variety. To be fair, she'd never had time to really experiment or try before; she had ample time now.

"What are you thinking about, Em?" Derek asked.

Emily looked at him and realized she'd been standing there holding a carton of eggs and staring off into space. She grinned. "I'm thinking about doing the previously unthinkable and taking a cooking class, and feeling oddly domestic at the thought."

"You do domesticity well."

"At least for the past twenty hours or so," she responded with a laugh.

They both looked up when they heard footsteps on the stairs, but the kids didn't appear in the kitchen at first. When they walked in a few seconds later, Devon was fairly bursting with excitement.

"C...c...come l..l..look," he said and grabbed Emily's hand.

He guided her to the Christmas tree in the living room and tugged on her until she knelt down by the tree next to him. He pointed out one of two rolled up pieces of paper. "E...Emily," he whispered.

Emily smiled. "Is that for me?"

Devon nodded at her and grinned.

"I can't wait to open it, Devon!"

The little boy stood and put his arms around Emily's neck, resting his head on her shoulder. "T...tomorrow?" he whispered.

Emily squeezed him gently, "Tomorrow, Devon. We'll open presents tomorrow morning. Should we go get some breakfast?"

He nodded against her shoulder but made no move to let her go. Emily stood and took him with her, carrying his little pajama-clad body and again being slammed with that surreal desire of longing to be a mother. Her eyes landed on Maddie, who was smiling. Emily reached out placed a hand on her head, and Maddie surprised her by leaning in and giving her a quick hug.

Emily's eyes were watery when they found Derek's. So were his.

* * *

It took forever in the shower for her to warm up after Derek's sledding adventure, but she couldn't deny that several hours outside with him and the kids, whipping down hillsides on sleds, hadn't been exhilarating. They'd all had fun and laughed a lot.

She was standing at the mirror in the master bathroom, finishing with her make up, when there was a soft knock on the partially opened door.

Emily turned and found Maddie standing there in her Christmas outfit. She looked precious.

"Can you help me?" she asked shyly.

Emily smiled warmly. "Of course, Maddie. What do you need?"

Maddie held out one hand, which contained a handful of small hair clips. In the other hand was a picture torn out of a magazine. "I like this hair, but I can't get it right."

Emily glanced at the picture. For some reason her heart was beating wildly again. It felt like every moment she had to bond with Maddie was a test, and she was afraid of failing. She breathed and took the clips from Maddie's hand. "I think I can manage that. Do you want the back wavy like it is in the picture?"

Maddie glanced at the picture and then at Emily before nodding slowly. Emily turned to plug in her curling iron. She moved Maddie so she was facing the mirror and then stood behind her, picking up her brush and running it through the girl's silky black hair.

She glanced at Maddie's reflection in the mirror and was surprised to find the girl's eyes welling with tears. Maddie raised her fingers to her eyes, taking a deep breath and trying to stop the flow of tears that seemed uncontrollable, leaking around her fingers and running down her face.

Emily stopped brushing and bent to kiss the top of Maddie's head. "What is it?"

Maddie shook her head and tried to control herself. Emily waited patiently. Eventually she picked up the brush again and started working, letting Maddie just be quiet.

"I like you," Maddie finally whispered.

Emily's heart felt like it was melting and her knees felt weak, but her mind fought hard to focus. She looked at Maddie like she would anyone she was trying to profile and went with her instincts. "It's scary to trust people again after spending so long not trusting anyone."

Maddie's eyes opened wide and she stared at Emily's reflection in the mirror. She slowly nodded.

"It's not the same circumstance at all, Maddie, but I do understand how you're feeling." Emily paused and chose her words carefully. She needed to leave Doyle and her pregnancy out of this one. She pulled a section of Maddie's hair back and clipped it. "I've always had a hard time trusting people. I had some things happen to me when I was younger and it made me very scared to open up to people. Not trusting people kind of became part of who I was. And then I started working with this group of people who were able to crack through a lot of that distrust, and it was scary. Very scary. Even though I didn't let them see it. I would go home at night a lot of the time and be afraid, though."

"The FBI?" asked Maddie.

Emily smiled and clipped another section of Maddie's hair. "Yep. All the people you met there and who you'll see tonight. But mostly Derek. I knew he loved me and I could trust him the most, and that's what scared me the most."

"What did you do?" asked Maddie.

Emily clipped the last section of Maddie's hair and turned to pick up the curling iron. She sighed, "Eventually, I ran away to London so I didn't have to face it. I've regretted it more times than I can count. But then I came back, and now I'm here with Derek and you and Devon and it's still scary, but also happy. I'm happier than I've ever been."

Maddie was quiet. Her eyes in the mirror watched the curling iron instead of Emily's face for awhile. "The last time someone did my hair was two Christmases ago. My mom did my hair. Last Christmas I was in a temporary placement. I wore sweats and we had fast food for dinner."

Emily picked up another section of Maddie's hair and curled it around the hot iron. "Hmmm...last Christmas I worked until around ten o'clock on Christmas Eve. And then I came home, changed into sweats, ate leftover take out food and watched anything but Christmas movies on TV."

She put the curling iron down on the counter and felt Maddie's eyes on hers. She ran her fingers through the curls in Maddie's hair and let them fall into waves down her back. Emily finally met Maddie's eyes in the mirror. "What do you think?"

Maddie glanced at her own reflection for a second and clearly knew Emily was talking about her hair. But the little girl turned and put her arms around Emily's waist. She rested her head against Emily and squeezed tight. "I think I'm scared and happy, too."

Several times with Derek and with Maddie the past week, and with Devon the past day, Emily was overcome with raw emotion, where she felt herself fighting between trembling and going numb. It was nothing compared to this moment, though. It was perhaps foolish. It was maybe too fast. But it felt right in the moment. Emily squeezed Maddie and whispered, "I love you. I always have, even when I couldn't take care of you."

Maddie didn't say anything back, and Emily didn't expect her to. But the little girl did squeeze her slightly tighter instead of pulling away. They stayed like that, clinging to each other, for several rapid heartbeats. And then Emily felt Maddie laugh quietly.

"What?" asked Emily.

Maddie turned her head so she was looking up at Emily's face. "I'm just remembering how your face looked the first time you went down the hill on your sled."

Emily smiled and then touched Maddie's face. Though Maddie, with her outfit and her hair, looked lovely, Emily never wanted the little girl to judge herself on her looks. "When I watch you with Devon, or watch what a good sport you are on the basketball court, or listen to you when you're being your real self, I think you're one of the best people I've ever known, Maddie. You let the real you shine, and soon it won't be scary anymore, only happy, I promise."

Maddie stared at her and nodded. The bathroom door opened slightly with a light knock. Derek stepped in and grinned. Emily wasn't certain how much of the conversation he'd listened to, but if his eyes were any indication, he'd been outside the door for most of it.

"Sorry to interrupt, but it's almost time to leave and I still need to get ready. Maddie The Magnificent, Devon is downstairs watching a Christmas cartoon. Can you keep him company?"

Maddie grinned and nodded, heading out of the bathroom and their bedroom. Derek kicked the bathroom door closed and grabbed Emily by the waist pushing her against the wall and looking her in the eye. "I've always thought you were one of the best people I've ever known, Em. But when I watch you with them, when I feel your arms around me, when you tell me you love me or smile when I tell you you're beautiful, when you trust me and you're open, I think you're breathtaking. Soon it won't be scary anymore, only happy, I promise."

* * *

The atmosphere at Rossi's was pure joy and wonder. It was the first time the team had spent any real time with Rossi's daughter and grandchild. It was the first time any of them had spent any significant time with Maddie, and the first time anyone but JJ had seen Devon. It was the first time any of them had seen Emily and Derek there together, as a couple, with Derek's hand resting comfortably on her back or hip.

It was the first time Emily had spent any truly carefree time with the group of them since the fall of 2010, over five years before, before she knew Doyle had escaped.

There was a lot of conversation and laughter; a blur of it mixed with pinpoints of clarity.

Maddie hit it off with Jack right away. The two of them spent a long time playing Foosball in Rossi's basement. Maddie also spent a lot of her time talking with Penelope.

There was Will, who saw Emily and hugged her and welcomed her home, like there was nothing awkward at all in their shared pasts. The look in his eyes when he released her from the hug said it all. _I've let it go. Let's move on. _

Devon was clingy, shy and almost mute at first, but then Henry arrived and he warmed up. Having Henry over to play the day before had been the right call. Devon also seemed fascinated with JJ's stomach, knowing that there was a baby in there and asking stuttered, excited questions about when the baby would come and if it would be a boy or girl.

What Emily noticed aside from Maddie and Devon was Penelope, who was over-excited, even for her. And Rossi, who seemed to know what Penelope was up to. And Derek, who Emily caught spending one conspiratory moment in the hallway with Pen, both of them smiling.

When they'd all gorged themselves on a crazy amount of delicious food and everyone was lounging lazily in the living room, Rossi appeared in the doorway with a massive red sack slung over one shoulder and started handing out gifts. Derek and Emily glanced at each other with worried looks. They hadn't thought about this: Rossi was frugal with his money three hundred sixty-four days out of the year, but then Christmas rolled around and he tended to overdo it. Which was generous, but neither of them had thought to prepare Maddie and Devon for that.

When Rossi reached in his bag and took out a present, looked at the tag and handed it to Maddie, Maddie wasn't sure what to think. "But you hardly even know me," she said softly.

Rossi bent his head down so it was inches away from Maddie's forehead. "If you're with Emily and Derek, you're family. That's all there is to know. Besides, I have it on good authority that you need one of these of your own."

Maddie gave him a small, closed-lipped smile and carefully started removing the wrapping paper. Inside was what Emily guessed it would be; an iPad. Maddie's eyes were wide and she turned to look at Emily, gently pushing the box towards her, blinking back tears. "It's too much," she whispered.

Emily smiled and pushed the box back towards Maddie. "Not for Rossi. It's just how he is at Christmas. Look, Maddie."

Maddie glanced around the room and saw Jack and Henry opening equally as expensive gifts. Then she glanced at Devon who was sitting on the floor with a large box by his feet, seeming unable to move and open it.

"It's o...o...o...kay?" Emily heard him ask Derek.

"Of course, buddy. Go ahead and open it," said Derek with a smile.

"I...it's m...m...mine?" he asked with teary eyes.

Maddie who was taking all of this in, squeezed Emily's hand and moved away from her, kneeling on the floor next to Devon. "It's okay and it's yours, Devon. Some people are just super generous, and Dave is one of those people. Do you want help opening it?"

Devon looked at her and nodded, but still didn't move. Maddie started carefully removing the wrapping paper and Emily glanced up to see all eyes in the room focused on the display, everyone emotional. She should have thought about this. She should have talked to Rossi about this. With so much going on, it hadn't crossed her radar.

When the silence in the room registered with Maddie, Maddie glanced back and then looked at Derek, rolling her eyes. "Nothing like being the center of attention."

The group laughed, and Jack Hotchner, truly his father's son, stepped forward, his own gift forgotten. He knelt down next to Maddie and helped her rip open the box, which contained more super hero action figures than Emily could count at first glance.

"Whoa!" said Jack. "Batman! And Spiderman! Thor!"

A slow smile spread across Devon's face. He knelt up to look in the box.

"Can we take them out of the packages and play with them together, Devon?" Jack asked.

Devon looked at Jack with huge eyes and nodded. Henry jumped up to get in on the game. While the kids were happily occupied, Emily cleared her throat and stood quietly, hoping to escape to the bathroom for a few seconds and compose herself before she totally lost it. Derek caught her eye, but it was JJ who reached her first.

"You have a family, Em. It's Derek and Maddie and Devon and all of us. You deserve this," she said quietly.

Emily patted JJ's hand and kept walking to the bathroom, closing the door behind her. _Family_. It was a word that held mixed emotions for her. The family in which she grew up was everything she ever wanted to escape from, making monumentally poor choices along the way; the family a few yards away from her outside the bathroom door was everything she ever wanted and never thought she'd have.

She looked at herself in the mirror and took in a few deep breaths before opening the door. Rossi was leaning against the wall in the hallway. "I didn't think about the gifts," he said softly.

Emily opened her mouth to say it was okay when Jack, Devon, Maddie and Henry zoomed by with action figures in their hands. "There doesn't seem to be any lifelong psychological trauma," she said with a smile.

Rossi stepped forward and put his hands on her cheeks, pressing a gentle kiss on her forehead. "You're home, Emily, where you belong, and your children are beautiful and wonderful. It's a better gift than any amount of money could buy."

* * *

She was hot. That was the first thought that registered with her as she made the slow journey from sleep to alertness. She was in flannel Christmas pajamas and she was hot because Derek, also in flannel that almost exactly matched hers, was pressed up against her side with an arm flung over her.

Emily became more alert and realized it was morning. The night before both Maddie and Devon had sleepily opened their pajamas, thanked them both, changed, and fell into an exhausted sleep in their beds only minutes later. It was morning, and Devon hadn't had a nightmare that woke them.

She didn't want to disturb Derek's slumber, but she felt like she was suffocating. She carefully moved her legs and kicked the covers off the lower half of her body, sighing when the cool air hit her feet.

"Flannel is great unless you're sleeping next to someone who is also wearing flannel," mumbled Derek.

Emily laughed. She hadn't known he was awake. "You could move," she said lightly.

"Not a chance. It's Christmas and we're in matching flannel pajamas."

Emily laughed again and moved more covers off her body before placing her hand on Derek's arm. She was almost falling back into a light sleep when she heard footsteps in the hallway, and then those footsteps slowly made their way downstairs.

A second later, and those same feet were pounding quickly up the stairs and Devon appeared in their doorway. "S...s...santa!" he exclaimed.

Derek immediately moved to a sitting position. "No way! Santa came?"

Devon smiled and nodded.

"Go tell Maddie and then we can go downstairs and see!" Derek said excitedly.

He moved to get out of bed and Emily grabbed the collar of his pajamas, pulling him back towards her. "I'm not the greatest with words, but I just want you to know," she whispered, "that sometime before the next Christmas, when the kids are settled, we are going to go someplace together. There will be no pajamas at all. We won't even pack them. And then I'm going to show you exactly how I've felt about you the past couple of days."

His lips touched her forehead first, before gracing each cheek and finally landing on her lips. "I'll look forward to that and hold you to it. But just so you know, no words are necessary. Now come on. Santa came!"

Emily laughed and got out of bed.

* * *

They wore their Santa hats and there was no rush. They passed out gifts one at a time, and everyone watched to see what the other was opening. Devon was free with his emotions, but she and Derek, and even Maddie, tried to keep it together.

Maddie was fine when she opened her new red jacket. She stumbled emotionally a bit when she got basketball shoes, too.

Maddie and Devon had made them both pictures for Christmas. Happy pictures with all four of them standing by a tree.

They made their way through small gifts of slippers and notebooks and pens and books. And then the kicker, or what they thought as the kicker, happened when the last gift remained under the tree, obviously wrapped by a child.

"I think there's one more for you, Devon," whispered Maddie.

Devon crawled his way toward the package and carefully removed the wrapping paper. When he saw the doll, his eyebrows raised and he grinned. "S...santa kn..n...new," he whispered in awe.

Emily felt like she was going to choke before she got past the lump in her throat and she could see Derek wasn't far behind her. Maddie helped Devon get the doll out of the box and then placed it in his arms. Devon glanced at Derek, like he was embarrassed.

And Derek - wonderful, amazing, Derek Morgan - moved off the couch and got on his knees next to Devon and whispered, "Buddy, I think you forgot the baby's booties." Then he reached in the box and put the booties on the doll's feet, and Devon grinned wider than Emily had seen before.

Devon cradled that baby doll, and Maddie stood up and put her arms around Derek's neck from behind. "Definitely not anywhere near my creep-o-meter," Maddie whispered.

Emily started to wonder when she might next go twenty-four hours without having to frantically blink back tears, and then decided she didn't want to. These were happy tears, and they could keep coming until they'd played out.

The contentment in the living room was interrupted thirty minutes later by a loud, beeping car horn. Derek stood first and went to the front window. "It's Garcia," he said.

"Is this what you two were whispering about last night?" asked Emily.

Derek glanced quickly at her and then shook his head. "No. I didn't know you saw that, but I can assure you I have no clue why she's here right now."

They moved to the door, Maddie and Devon at their heels, and opened it. Penelope Garcia was standing in the driveway wearing the most wonderful, outlandish, spectacular Christmas outfit Emily had ever seen. She gazed at the four of them while they stood on the front porch and smiled a smile that was so uniquely Penelope, you just knew something amazing was going to happen. And it did.

Without taking her eyes off the four of them, Garcia stepped back in the driveway and opened the back door of her behemoth car. It didn't quite register with Emily at first when she saw the leaping body and golden fur. It registered with Maddie, though, in an instant.

"Sammy!" Maddie screamed.

And the dog barked and whined and bounded towards Maddie as Maddie ran down the front steps. They met somewhere in the middle and Sammy couldn't decide if he wanted to play or whine at Maddie's feet in sheer joy. He knocked Maddie into the snow and then laid next to her on his side with his face in her neck making joyful noises Emily had never heard come from a dog.

Maddie was sobbing and laughing and Devon ran down the steps to be part of the action just as Penelope came up the steps. It didn't matter that the kids were in pajamas with only socks on. None of them bothered to blink past or swallow back tears as they watched the kids play in the snow with the dog. At one point Maddie ran up the steps and flung her arms around Penelope and shook her head like she couldn't believe it. There were tears frozen on her cheeks and under her nose and Emily thought Maddie in that moment was the most beautiful she'd ever seen her, the most carefree.

"Please tell me you didn't steal that dog," Emily finally managed to whisper.

"No," Garcia said with a laugh. "We found the person who adopted Sammy last Tuesday, after Maddie came with her laptop. But she didn't call me back until yesterday evening because she was at a cabin with friends for the week and there was no reception up there. When she heard the story, she was heartbroken, but she knew she couldn't keep Sammy."

"So she just gave him up?" asked Derek.

"She knew it was the right thing to do," said Garcia, slightly hesitating. "Rossi may or may not have offered to pay off her student loans."

"As a bribe?" asked Emily.

"As a thank you," replied Pen.

Derek laughed and Emily joined him.

And Maddie ran around the front yard with her dog and cried happy tears for all of them. And Sammy barked joyfully enough for all of them, too.


	22. Chapter 22

"Emily?" Maddie asked softly.

Emily stopped her hand from reaching towards the light switch on Maddie's wall as she was making her way out the bedroom door and turned back towards Maddie's bed. Maddie had her arm slung over a sleeping Sammy; the dog hadn't left her side all day. Emily smiled softly at Maddie. "What is it, sweetie?"

Maddie looked at Emily and propped herself up on one elbow to raise herself slightly in the bed. She grinned. "Devon didn't have a nightmare last night. And he hasn't wet his bed since he's been here. He barely stuttered at all tonight at dinner."

Something had shifted that Christmas morning, right after Madeleine had shyly inquired to make sure it was okay to keep Sammy at the house and Emily and Derek had both assured her that they would love to have Sammy there. The shift was subtle, but it was something Emily had felt several times during the day - that it was no longer about her and Derek reassuring Maddie that the little girl could trust them and it was going to be okay. Now Maddie was doing her own share of reassurance for Emily's sake, seeming to want to remind Emily frequently that she and Devon were happy there.

Emily thought of the little boy she and Derek had tucked in thirty minutes before. They both imagined that when the euphoria of Christmas had died down, some issues would come up with Devon. They were told by Rose that this wouldn't be smooth sailing, and they believed that. Still, so far everything was going well. Devon was exhausted that night and had fallen asleep clutching his doll before Derek had finished reading him a story. She grinned at Maddie. "He's doing really well here."

Maddie sighed happily and laid her head back down on the pillow. "Goodnight, Emily."

Emily stepped forward until she reached the edge of the bed. She reached over the dog and touched Maddie's face gently. "Goodnight."

Maddie closed her eyes and Emily turned back towards the bedroom door. The soft whisper of Maddie's voice stopped her again. "Thank you for a good Christmas, and I don't mean the presents."

Emily blinked rapidly before turning back towards the bed. "It was the best Christmas I've ever had."

Maddie smiled one more time. "Goodnight."

* * *

Derek grinned at Emily when he emerged from the bathroom. She was sitting up in bed reading a book he'd bought her for Christmas, her hair pulled back in a sloppy pony tail, free of make-up, and wearing pajama pants and one of his t-shirts. She took his breath away - she was gorgeous no matter what she was wearing, but the fact that she was comfortable in this house with Maddie, Devon and him brought his love for her to an entirely new level he'd never experienced before.

She didn't look up from her book, not that he could see, but he saw her smirk slightly and she asked, "What are you smiling at?"

"You're wearing my clothes," he replied. "Besides, it's been a crazy, fantastic couple of days. I'm having a hard time not smiling. The muscles in my face hurt."

Emily placed the book in her lap and returned his smile. "It has been crazy and fantastic. Today was perfect."

Derek went to the dresser and grabbed a pair of sweats, pulling them on over his boxer briefs. This sleeping in clothing that would be suitable should one of the kids wake up in the middle of the night was taking some getting used to. He was used to sleeping in his underwear or, since Emily had come back from London and before the kids got there, nothing at all. He felt Emily's eyes on his back and pulled a t-shirt over his head.

The question he knew was coming spilled from Emily's lips before he made it to his side of the bed. "If you didn't know about Sammy, what were you and Penelope whispering about last night at Rossi's?"

Derek sighed and crawled into bed, laying on his side and facing her. One hand reached out to rest gently on her hip. "It's been a happy few days, Em, but they've been emotionally heavy, too. Let's just leave it for awhile, okay? It can wait."

Emily's eyebrows raised up and she put her book on the nightstand. "What can wait? Something else that's emotionally heavy? Now you're kind of freaking me out."

Derek smiled and sat up against the headboard, reaching for her hand. "It's not bad, Em. Not at all. Penelope helped me with something that I wouldn't have time for while I was trying to get Devon's room ready and do everything else before the kids got here. I was planning to talk to you about it today or tonight, but now it doesn't feel like the right time." Derek paused and cringed at the hitches in his voice during his little monologue.

"You're nervous," Emily whispered.

"No," he denied. And then softly added, "Yes. But that's not why I'm avoiding this. I want to talk to you about it. It was a decision I made and asked Pen to help me with before Maddie and Devon got here because it seemed right, and then they were here and it's been a lot of emotions, and now it feels like too much."

He was prattling along at a rapid pace and he knew it. He looked down in his lap and felt the bed shift and then Emily came into his vision. She moved her body so she was facing him, her bottom settled between his legs and her legs slung over his thighs on either side of his hips. He felt her fingers on his face and saw her head duck down so she could catch his eyes. "If it's too emotionally heavy for you, we can wait. But if you're not telling me because you're worried about me, don't be. I've been a little overwhelmed here and there, but when that happens, I'm able to gather myself quickly. I'm good, Derek. Better than good. You can tell me anything."

Derek took a deep breath and lifted his head. He wasn't sure where to start, or if he should start at all. Just her being here like this, with him, and their house with two kids in it was perfect. He didn't need anything else from life, ever. And yet, he felt like this might end up being perfect, too. Why was this harder for him than telling her about Maddie? He couldn't figure it out. His eyes glanced at their open bedroom door and Emily immediately stood and closed it, turning the lock, and then settling down in her previous position facing him. She lifted one eyebrow.

Searching for a starting point, Derek finally came up up with, "Do you remember what I wrote about my father's parents in the journal I sent you?"

"I remember every word of that journal, Derek," she said softly.

Derek closed his eyes briefly, wishing he could take back some of the words about his teenage years that were probably vivid details in Emily's mind now. Her hand was on his face and he opened his eyes.

"Your Grandfather and Grandmother Morgan lived in Michigan. Your father was their only child. They met when they were twenty-nine years old, in Detroit. Your grandfather had been a janitor at a high school, but wanted to be a teacher. He saved and saved, and finally saved up enough to go to college. He graduated and got a teaching job in Detroit. On his first day in his new apartment, he went to a diner just down the street, and the waitress was your grandmother. It was love at first sight."

Derek smiled and leaned forward to kiss her softly before speaking. "Before my grandfather had finished his first year teaching, my grandmother was pregnant with my father. They got married right away, but my grandfather didn't have the money for an engagement ring. He worked nights at a diner during that pregnancy to buy one for my grandmother before my father was born. It was very simple, barely a fleck of a diamond, but it meant everything to her. They never had much, but they had a lot of love, and my father was who he was because of them. My grandfather was frugal to say the least. He pinched pennies wherever he could. But on their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary, he pulled a tremendous amount out of their savings, stole my grandmother's engagement ring while she was in the shower, and left like he was going to work, but instead went straight to a jewelers. He had the very small diamond removed from that ring and had it set into the side of a much larger engagement ring. My grandmother went crazy for a week, thinking she'd lost her engagement ring, until he gave it back to her without the diamond, and then presented her with the new ring. I grew up only ever knowing her with that larger ring, but she told me the story about it many times."

He looked up at Emily, whose eyes were wide, like she knew where he was maybe headed, but not sure. He could see the pulse in her neck thumping rapidly, but she licked her lips delicately and smiled, nodding at him and encouraging him to go on.

"My Granny Morgan was perceptive and insightful and didn't take crap from anyone. I loved every moment I ever spent with her. She was funny as hell. She fell apart after my father was murdered, so did my grandfather. But she bounced back and my grandfather didn't. He died of a heart attack about a year after my dad died. My grandmother moved to Chicago and I spent a lot more time with her than I used to. She knew something awful was going on with me when I was teenager and she tried to talk to me and get me to open up, but I just couldn't, and eventually, when I went away to college, she dropped it."

Derek cleared his throat and leaned his forehead against Emily's shoulder, his arms hanging loosely around her hips. "She was diagnosed with brain cancer when I was twenty-eight years old and she declined quickly. But before she was too sick to articulate, she took that ring off her finger and placed it in my hand. She said that she knew something awful had happened to me when I was younger, even if I wouldn't talk about it. She said that when terrible things happen, a lot of times people make poor choices about who they love and who they let love them, and that only leads to more turmoil. She told me to hold onto that ring, because she knew I'd never treat it casually. She told me that when I found the person I could give it to without a second thought, I'd know I'd found what she and my grandfather had."

He could feel Emily slightly trembling in his arms again, but felt her press a kiss to the side of his head. He didn't lift his head from her shoulder; he was more nervous than he'd ever been. He squeezed Emily more firmly in his arms and continued. "When my grandmother died, I found the setting for her original engagement ring in her house. I had the small diamond removed from the new ring and had it put back in the old setting. I buried it with her. When I left Chicago to join the FBI, I put my grandmother's larger ring in a safety deposit box at a bank in Virginia and really didn't think much about it for a long time. I wasn't anywhere near ready to settle down."

Derek took a deep breath and leaned to the side slightly to open his nightstand drawer and reach inside.

"Derek," Emily whispered. He heard the fear and the shock and the love in her voice, all intermingled in one breathy whisper of his name.

He finally turned to face her, the ring held loosely in his fist. Her eyes were damp, but she wasn't crying. She was breathing quickly, but she wasn't bolting. She was looking him right in the eye. "On Thursday, while you and JJ were Christmas shopping, and I was with Will buying a basketball hoop and a bed for Devon, I had Garcia go to my safety deposit box, take the ring out and find a jeweler who could replace the missing diamond quickly. She gave me the ring back last night at Rossi's and that's what we were whispering about."

Derek opened the palm of Emily's hand and placed the ring in it, and then closed her fingers over it before she could look at it. He kept his hands over hers. "This isn't a proposal, or it doesn't have to be. Hell, Em, I'd marry you tomorrow if you wanted to, but giving you this isn't even about marriage. You don't have to wear this on your left hand, you don't have to wear it on your hand at all. You could put in on a necklace, or we could put it in the safe until you're ready for it. I just want you to know it's yours now."

* * *

_I might faint_. Emily could feel the ring in the palm of her hand and could see Derek's face right in front of her, but her brain felt like it wasn't getting enough oxygen.

"Breathe, Em," she heard Derek say softly.

Emily took in a shuddering breath and felt a little better. She blinked at Derek and then she heard him say, "I only ever thought about getting that ring out of the safety deposit box three times since I've had it."

She closed her eyes slowly. If this was time number three, she wasn't sure she was up for hearing about times number one and two. She figured one of those times had been with Savannah. She opened her eyes and found Derek smiling at her.

"The first time was in the fall of 2010," he said.

Emily felt confused. The fall of 2010? They'd hung out frequently around that time, before she found out about Doyle escaping and her world fell apart. She wasn't aware at all that he was seeing anybody then.

"We went out for beer and dinner after work," Derek continued.

The tears rushed up inside her and she blinked quickly and fought them back. She knew what he was going to say and it elated her and broke her heart at the same time. "I remember," she whispered softly. "We came out of the pub and were standing on the sidewalk. I don't remember what we said, or why we started laughing, but I remember your face was right there in front of mine and we both stopped laughing at the same moment, and we almost kissed, but then our phones rang and there was a case for work."

Derek nodded and touched her cheek. "I was leaning forward to kiss you and I thought about that ring for the first time in over a decade. The image of it just flashed in front of my eyes."

God, the hurt she must have caused this man when she wouldn't tell him about Doyle, when she showed up in his office that night with a bottle of tequila and wasn't honest with him about why she was there, when she faked her death, when she came back and then left again. And yet, here they were.

"And the second time?" she breathed out while looking down.

Derek smiled. "That night after you were shot, when I stayed with you and we slept together on the couch and I woke up in the morning thinking I never wanted to wake up next to anyone else, ever again."

She was stunned. She knew he was being honest. But that meant for five years, from the fall of 2010 until now, even when he was with Savannah, the only person he ever saw himself being with permanently was her, and for the life of her she really couldn't understand why.

"Derek," she whispered again. "Why?"

"Why now?" he asked.

Emily shook her head. She knew why now. _Now_ was easy to understand. _Now_ was two kids and a dog sleeping down the hall and a house in the suburbs. "Why then, all the way back in 2010?"

Derek let out a heavy breath. "Because you looked at me on the sidewalk in front of that pub and I knew in an instant that it wasn't just the beer, and it wasn't just lust. I knew you loved me deeper than most people can love someone, even though neither of us ever brought it up again. I'd never in my life had any woman look at me like that up until that point, or ever again. And I knew I'd never felt anything like that before that moment either. "

Emily sniffled and laughed lightly. "Love at first sight," she sighed.

Derek kissed her forehead and murmured, "Something like that."

She could get angry at herself about all that lost time, about hurting him because she was ridiculously afraid of the feelings she had for the one person in her life she knew she had absolutely nothing to be afraid of. But she also knew that on the painful, long and seemingly screwed up journey to this point, there were certain things she had to do and work through to even be able to be there with him right now.

Emily opened her mouth and closed it several times, trying to be good with words when she normally failed with them when her emotions were running this wild. Nothing came out. Just that morning, though, he'd said to her, "Words aren't necessary." And maybe they weren't. This started because of the way she looked at him on one random evening over five years before when her guard was down for a just a breath of a moment, when she hadn't even realized her feelings were even capable of being that transparent.

She looked down and opened the palm of her hand. The ring was truly beautiful, a classic emerald cut with two small diamonds on either side. She picked it up with the fingers of her right hand and slipped it on her left ring finger. It was a little big, but they could fix that later. It felt like it belonged on her hand.

Emily looked up and found Derek's eyes staring at her, brimming with tears. She still couldn't find words, but she didn't blink. She kept her eyes locked with his and let every emotional reservation within her go, let everything she felt for the man sitting in front of her show on her face and in her eyes. She wasn't trembling now, she realized. But he was.

She reached for his t-shirt that she was wearing and pulled up and over her head, letting it land with a whisper somewhere on the floor. She reached for him and removed his shirt. Except for the seconds when their shirts pulled over their faces, she never stopped looking at his eyes. Her fingertips trailed over his shoulders and chest and she felt before she heard him take in a deep breath.

"Because, Emily, I never thought anyone could know about my past and still look at me like you do."

Before her heart could shatter into a million pieces at those words, she placed both hands on his cheeks and kissed him. Their love wasn't a Hallmark card or a formulaic romance novel. Their love was built on fear and insecurity and even hurt. But it was also built on resiliency and hope and their strength to forgive; Derek to forgive her and her to forgive herself. Their love was words, hundreds of pages of words, mailed across the Atlantic until there wasn't a secret left about their pasts.

She wanted to stay like this, eye to eye. After much touching and kissing, when their pants and underwear were discarded, she moved a few pillows so Derek was more comfortably sitting up against the headboard before placing a knee on either side of him. She couldn't imagine a time in her future where the feel of him sliding inside her would feel like anything less than a miracle.

When her arms were around his neck and his hands were firmly grasping her hips, while their eyes were still locked, she finally managed to say the thing she thought he needed to hear the most. "I promise you, Derek, with everything I am, I'm not going anywhere without you ever again."

* * *

_A/N - The next chapter is already about half way done, so hopefully I'll be able to post tomorrow or Wednesday. I'm not sure how many more are left. I kind of love this and am having a hard time thinking about ending it. :)_


	23. Chapter 23

_A/N - Did I say Wednesday at the latest for this update? I meant Thursday. ;-)_

* * *

Derek had always needed space when he slept. He enjoyed sharing a bed with a woman, but he'd always move away and settle onto his own side before being able to drift off to sleep. That rule didn't seem to apply when he was sleeping next to Emily, though. All those frustrating and beautiful nights on his couch or hers so many years ago, where they'd fall asleep fully clothed, Derek held onto her and gave no thought of letting go. And in the past week, sleeping with his arms around Emily had become like a drug to him. He was sleeping better than he had since he was a young child; hours upon hours of solid sleep with her warmth and scent enveloping him like a cocoon.

On Christmas night, he laid on his side facing her, watching her, with one hand on her hip. They were back in their pajamas, their bedroom door was unlocked and cracked open again, the dimmed light in the hallway setting off her face in a warm glow. She was sleeping peacefully, her left hand with the ring on it resting gently against his chest.

His need to touch her all night had a lot to do with the fact that he often worried that he was going to wake up and realize this had all been one unbelievable, amazing dream, that he was going to slam his hand on the alarm clock the next morning and wake up devastated and alone. But it wasn't a dream. She was there, and the kids were down the hall and both their lives had been changed in what felt in part like a blink of an eye and in part like an eternity.

He had absolutely no context for the feelings that were swelling inside him, threatening to overwhelm him, indescribable feelings that had taken root in his heart since the moment she looked at him in her flat in London and said she wanted to come home as soon as possible. He'd imagined when he left her at Thanksgiving that they might be heading someplace good with each other. He'd imagined several months of visiting each other and allowed himself the hope that maybe they'd end up living together on the same continent at some point. And that's as far as he let his fantasies take him, right up to the moment JJ had reached in her bag and handed him the picture of Maddie.

On the flight to London, he'd allowed himself to think of the possibility of Emily coming home right away when she learned about Maddie. But this - the past eight days - he hadn't even let himself entertain the possibility, so afraid that it would be too much and she would bolt, leave, disappear from his life again. But she'd promised him the one thing he needed to hear just about an hour before, that she wouldn't leave him. And he believed her.

He remembered when Emily was leaving for London and thinking that he couldn't love her into someone she wasn't. He still believed that was true. But maybe he'd loved her long enough and deeply enough that she'd become someone she didn't even know she could be, a version of herself she was so afraid of she didn't even know it existed within her.

She seemed so happy and comfortable. And oddly, she seemed stronger than she ever was before, back when he thought she was the strongest woman he knew. She'd found strength in vulnerability, in letting him love her, in trusting her ability to love and care for Maddie and then Devon; she'd grown stronger as the features on her face and the set of her shoulders relaxed exponentially in the days she'd been home with him.

Home. He'd lived in this house for fourteen months, ten of them with Savannah, but it had only felt like a home since the moment Emily told him she liked the house and wanted to stay.

Derek reached out and gently ran his thumb over the delicate arch of Emily's eyebrow and smiled when she sighed contently in her sleep. Then he was startled from his reverie when she whispered and mumbled, one foot in dreamland and one foot awake, "Everything I ever needed was right under my nose for years, I was just too afraid."

Even in sleep, her thoughts were keeping pace with his.

He rubbed her back gently and watched as her breathing evened out again. Tomorrow morning they'd go car shopping for her, and then take the kids back to Baltimore so Maddie could get the rest of her things from the group home. The following day Rose was expected for a home visit in the morning, and then they'd decided to bring both kids to Declan's school to meet with administration about both of them attending there. Derek had been nervous about that from a financial standpoint, but Emily had shown him her bank accounts and proved to him it wasn't even an issue. The day after that, he was supposed to go back to work and he couldn't even imagine it.

The BAU was a part of him, an integral part, but even as well as things had been going, the idea of going back to work, of potentially traveling on a case before they all were more settled, felt wrong. The idea of going back to work at all, like his career was a given and Emily's was an afterthought, bothered him as well. They needed more time.

Derek brushed his lips against Emily's forehead and then kissed her right over the ring on her hand. He moved carefully from the bed so as not to disturb her. He went downstairs to email Hotch.

* * *

The Toyota Highlander she decided on screamed, "Carpool!" and whispered, "Happiness."

Who knew a car could metaphorically talk to her psyche?

Who would have ever imagined that she would be at a car dealership with a diamond ring on her left hand, two kids, and Derek, considering things like carpools and playdates?

The row upon row of cars with their reflective windows had assured her that it was indeed her, Emily Prentiss, who was living that moment. Still, when she saw her reflection she wasn't quite sure. It was the set of her mouth that startled her the most; the mouth where seriousness was the default and laughter was a happy surprise had turned itself into something softer and more pliant in barely more than a handful of days.

Who would have thought she'd be holding onto one of Devon's hands and Derek would be holding onto the other, while they swung his giggling little body up in the air as they walked to sign the paperwork? All with Maddie pressed against her side, happily wearing her new red jacket, a smile on her own face.

Emily half wanted this to all to start feeling like normal, just so her heart could stop racing every minute of the day. The other half wanted the surprise of her new self to never end, like she was getting a gift she didn't know she wanted multiple times a day and her emotions were holding out for the thrill of it all.

The kids were patient while everything was signed, and when the keys were in Emily's hand, her little family parted ways. She and Maddie were headed to Baltimore, and Derek was taking Devon home. They'd originally planned to go to Baltimore together, but just that morning when Emily was collecting dirty clothes to put in the laundry, the reality of Devon and his past had crept up on them.

They knew the gist of the story from Rose about what Devon was like when he first arrived at the group home back in September. He'd spent the last two weeks in August in a hospital eating, stabilizing his little body that was in starvation mode, before being placed in Mrs. Murphy's care. At the beginning of October, right about the time Maddie got there, they decided to enroll him in Kindergarten even though he wasn't quite academically ready; the school provided a good speech therapy program and that's what he needed at the time. The nightmares and the bed wetting and the stuttering were the least of his problems at first. Food was the main issue, and food hoarding. For the little boy who had never had enough, whose mother the authorities assumed had sold food stamps for drugs, who was found cowering in a closet with his infant sister, looking the size and weight of a child at least a year younger, food became his obsession. The hoarding had ceased to be a problem at the group home after about six weeks, but that morning Emily had found the food Devon had been pilfering from their kitchen in the little boy's closet, most of it perishables that would make him sick at this point.

She and Derek had whispered out a plan together in the bathroom and Derek was off with Devon to set that plan in motion while she took Maddie to Baltimore to get the rest of her things and visit her grandmother. And to talk to Maddie about an issue that both Emily and Derek felt was developing with the little girl.

"Maddie?" Emily asked when they pulled onto the freeway.

"Hmmm?"

"Derek took Devon home today because we found some food he'd hidden in his closet."

Maddie was incredulous and her voice was laced with fear. "But he was supposed to stop doing that! He hasn't done it in a long time. I'll talk to him."

Emily reached over and patted Maddie's hand. "It's okay. It's a new place and he doesn't know us very well yet. Derek's going to talk with him while we're in Baltimore today. I'm telling you this because I want you to know that we don't expect either of you to be perfect. Devon's going to have things that come up with him, and you get to be sad or angry or scared when you feel that way; you don't always have to be happy with us, Madeleine. You don't have to feel responsible for Devon's behavior at all. And you don't have to reassure us that you and Devon like being at our house. We know that."

Maddie sat quietly and didn't respond for a long time. "You won't leave and go back to London?" she finally whispered. "You said you did that before when you were scared, and you said this was all a little scary for you."

Emily shook her head. "I'm not going anywhere, no matter what. And tomorrow when Rose comes we're going to talk to her to see if there's a way we can speed up the process and legally adopt both of you faster. I think you'll both feel more secure and able to just be yourselves when that happens. What do you think?"

Emily settled in for more quiet reflection from Maddie. Then she felt Maddie's hand reach over and grab onto hers. "I think it's totally weird that you're my biological mom and you have to adopt me."

Emily laughed, squeezed Maddie's hand and glanced at her smiling face. "It is a little weird. But that's the way it works."

"Are you and Derek ever going to have a baby?" Maddie suddenly asked.

The question surprised Emily, even though she knew exactly why Maddie was asking. It also filled her with sadness, thinking about what she could have potentially had with Derek had she not been so fucking stubborn with him years ago. Thinking about the idea, for the first time in her life, of actually being pregnant and wanting to be and enjoying it caused an involuntary lump to form in her throat. "No," Emily said softly. "I'm a little too old for that, Maddie. But even if that wasn't true, Derek and I could have ten kids together and we wouldn't give you and Devon up. I promise you."

"Okay," Maddie whispered. She kept her hand in Emily's for the rest of the drive to Baltimore.

When the boxes from the group home were loaded in the back of the car and Maddie had surprised Mrs. Murphy by throwing her arms around the kind woman's waist and promising to visit, Emily took Maddie to see her grandmother. Madeleine was very clear that she wanted to be alone with her grandmother; she stepped through the threshold of the room and quietly closed the door behind her, shutting Emily out.

Emily found a small, empty lounge in sight of the hallway and took out her phone. Even if the adoption process could be sped up, it would still likely take a few months. She couldn't see leaving to take care of her flat in London before that happened, nor could she see waiting months to take care of it. There was nothing particularly private in her flat; Derek had her old journals and those were the only things she cared about anyone potentially seeing. There was a drawer-full of underwear and bras, but the reality was that via surveillance tapes on various cases in the past, Clyde Easter had seen her in far more revealing undergarments than she actually owned in real life.

She dialed Clyde and had to smile at his contrite and nervous "Emily? How are you?" when he answered his phone. She'd really blown his mind and his ego right out of the water when she told him about Maddie.

"Hi, Clyde. Merry Christmas. I'm good. I'm great. Everything's really...unbelievable." She spent a few minutes getting him up to speed with what had happened in the past week and then got to the reason behind her call. "I need a favor. You can oversee it, or hire people and I'll pay for it. I need to get the things in my flat packed up and shipped here, everything that can fit in boxes except the things in the kitchen. The kitchen things and the furniture, it can all be donated. I'll find a place that will come and get those things."

Without sarcastic comment or his usual sharpness, Clyde gave her a breathy, "Of course. I'll take care of it. In all the many ways I thought you'd eventually head back to the states, I can tell you this never entered my mind. But you sound happy, Em. I'm so happy for you, and I'm so sorry. Ian Doyle should have never happened, not like it did."

Emily blinked quickly and glanced down the hallway towards the room where Maddie was. "I spent over a decade regretting every decision I made before going in with him, and the decisions I made while I was in there, but right now, now that I have Maddie with me, I'm thankful Doyle happened. It's a very strange feeling, believe me."

"I imagine so. I'll take care of your flat and keep you posted, and you keep in touch. Let me know if you want any contract work or what you're going to do. I can keep you on the books for three months, make sure you have insurance and things."

They ended their conversation shortly after that and she stared at her phone, marveling at how changed a man like Clyde Easter seemed after Emily revealed her secret to him. And knowing she needed to reach out to one more person.

Before Emily had gone to see Declan to tell him about Maddie, she'd emailed Tom to let him know. And Tom had emailed her back a sad, apologetic reply. There had been hurt there, too. Hurt that she'd handed Declan off to him, she'd stayed in that house for a few months before she started showing and took some much-needed comfort in Tom's friendship, and never said a word about being pregnant. On an intellectual level, Tom understood. Or at least he said he did. But Emily imagined the conversation she needed to have with him, and should probably have in person, wasn't going to be easy. He'd called twice since he'd sent the email and she'd let it go to voicemail both times.

Emily sighed. She wasn't avoiding him exactly, she just didn't have the space to deal with his feelings about the whole thing when she was trying to wrap her head and heart around Derek and Maddie and Devon and an entirely new life.

She settled for texting Tom, telling him that she appreciated his email and they could meet for coffee this week and talk, once he got home from his ski trip with Declan.

When she looked up after sending the text, she was startled by Maddie standing right there. She hadn't heard the girl approach. Maddie's cheeks were tear stained and her eyes were puffy. Emily put her phone aside and Maddie didn't hesitate sit next to Emily and put her arms around her. "She's been sick a long time, Emily," Maddie whispered.

Emily stroked Maddie's hair. "I know."

"I can't understand her when she tries to talk now, and she hardly ever opens her eyes. But I told her about you and Derek, and that I was okay, and that I was going to have a real home again and I think she tried to smile. Or maybe I imagined it."

Emily kissed Maddie's head and squeezed her arms around the girl's slight frame. "I think whether you imagined it or not, your grandmother was smiling on the inside."

* * *

"Come on, Devon. I want to show you something." Derek said with a relaxed smile.

Devon looked up from his snack and slid off the kitchen chair. He walked over to Derek and followed him to the basement door. Derek flipped on the light and held Devon's hands as they made their way down the steep stairs, Sammy following closely behind.

The basement was one area in the house he'd never touched. With just him and Savannah, it was unnecessary. But there was a lot of space down there, good space that could be made into a guest room for his mom to visit with tons of space left over.

"There's not much down here. Just the laundry room and some storage. But there's a lot of space. Maybe we can make it a play room someday. The thing I want to show you is right over here, though."

Derek came to a stop in front of a large shelf and looked at Devon who was looking right back at Derek, his eyes wide and curious. "This is our emergency shelf. There are flashlights and extra blankets and bottled water. And in this box right here there's a bunch of food that doesn't go bad, just in case there's a blizzard and we get snowed in and can't get to the store for awhile. I should add more to it now that you and Maddie are living here."

Derek pulled down the box and let Devon look inside. The little boy still wasn't saying anything; he hadn't quite made the connection yet. Derek stood again and grabbed an empty, smaller plastic tub off the shelf. "Emily and I were thinking that maybe you'd like to have your own emergency supply of food, for up in your room. We could put things in it that don't go bad, and then, just in case, you'd have what you needed."

Derek could see Devon's breathing pick up and his bottom lip tremble. Now he was getting it, and Derek knew he was probably thinking about the food that he thought was still stashed up in his closet.

"No big deal, buddy," Derek said softly as he bent down on one knee to reach eye level. "You can have your own emergency stash of food, but it has to be food like the stuff in this emergency supply; things that don't go bad. Emily cleaned up what was in your closet because a lot of that food has to stay in the refrigerator or it can make you feel sick. But she and I talked and we thought you might like it if I took you to the grocery store and helped you pick out things that you could keep in your room, in this box, just in case you ever need them."

Fat tears rolled down Devon's cheeks and Derek was doing everything he could not to cry, too, just at the mere idea of what this sweet boy's life had been like for at least a couple of years, and the miracle that he still seemed open and able to form real connections with people.

Derek brushed the tears off Devon's cheeks and gave the little boy a hug.

"Is E...E...Emily m...m...mad?" Devon hiccuped and stuttered through the three words.

Derek smiled in reassurance. "I promise you she's not mad at all. In fact, getting you your own emergency box of food for your room was her idea. She's pretty smart. How about it? Should we go to the grocery store?"

Devon still looked a little uncertain, but he nodded and took hold of Derek's hand again when Derek reached for him.

* * *

It was after the trip to the grocery store, when Devon and Derek were up in Devon's room, putting his food box in his closet that the doorbell rang unexpectedly. Sammy barked and lead the way downstairs.

Derek peeped through the hole in the door and smiled, opening the door to JJ and Henry.

"Devon!" Henry exclaimed.

Devon smiled nervously at Henry while Henry patted the dog that was wagging his tail like it might fly off. "S...S...Sammy," Devon said.

"What's up Jayje?" Derek asked as he ushered her in out of the cold and closed the door. JJ didn't seem at all surprised by Sammy, but news travels fast in the BAU so he wasn't surprised.

"Will got called in today and Henry and I were out running a few errands. I thought we'd swing by and see if you guys were around. Henry wanted to see Devon. And Hotch called me this morning about your email. He took Jack to New York for a couple of days and asked me to make a few inquiries."

Derek raised his eyebrows at JJ as Henry and Devon took off with Sammy to Devon's room upstairs. "What inquiries?" he asked.

JJ walked into the living room and sat on the couch before speaking. "I'm planning to take a real maternity leave this time. None of this working until I go into labor. I was planning to go out at the end of January and take a full four months after the baby comes. I've been talking to Ashley Seaver about taking a leave from her unit and coming back to the BAU to cover for me. After a lot of talking, she agreed. She's grown up a lot and her fieldwork is impeccable."

Derek sat down next to JJ and waited. The idea of Seaver coming back to the BAU while JJ was out was appealing; far better than a new agent who didn't know the team.

JJ smiled at Derek and patted his knee. "I called her today and explained your situation, and then I called her unit chief. In two days she's going to report to the BAU, and you, my friend, are to stay home and get settled with your little motley crew here. You are not to think of the FBI for the next three weeks. And then, no traveling for the next two weeks, just office duty and helping along with the transition before I go out, if you're open to that. You can take the whole time off if you need it, though. That's up to you, and Hotch says he'll make whatever you want work."

Derek didn't quite know what to say. The words spilled from his lips without any thought. "You'll get rest on the cases without me there, right? No pushing yourself too much?"

JJ laughed her unique, wonderful laugh, a laugh he hadn't heard enough in the past few years since she'd been back with the BAU, until recently. "I'll take care of myself, Derek."

And then, with a smile on his face and tears he couldn't control brimming in his eyes, he whispered, "Jayje, she's wearing my grandmother's engagement ring. She promised me she wouldn't leave."

The tears welled in JJ's eyes at those words. She laughed again over the sob in her throat and reached forward awkwardly around her stomach to hug him. "It's been a long road," she whispered.

Derek nodded against her shoulder and hugged her back. Penelope was great, his best friend. But there was something comforting about JJ that Pen couldn't really provide without a litany of back story that Derek didn't feel comfortable sharing without Emily's permission. It didn't matter to him what had transpired between Emily and JJ on one single night in Madrid; JJ knew Emily's whole story and the fact that he could, in two sentences, describe the enormity of what had taken place between him and Emily in their bedroom the night before was what he needed in that moment.

"Two kids, a dog and an engagement ring in the span of three days. Do you want to go pick up the supplies to build a white picket fence out front tomorrow, or should I?" JJ whispered from where her head rested against his shoulder.

Derek laughed. He could hear the thumps of Devon and Henry running around upstairs interspersed with Sammy's barks of delight. He could feel the baby in JJ's stomach kicking against his abdomen, the baby that had been a long time coming after the hell she'd lived through. And he knew Maddie and Emily would be on their way home soon.

It had been a long road where they'd all been shaped by circumstances outside of their control. Derek was finally starting to believe that the journey was worth it.


	24. Chapter 24

_A/N - I feel like I should give a shout out to my very best friend in the world, who is a social worker, got her MSW at University of Maryland, and worked in both Maryland and Virginia before moving to the San Francisco Bay Area and I was graced with her presence in my life. She doesn't read fanfiction and she doesn't watch Criminal Minds (I love her anyway), but when I text her with questions like, "What happens if a biological mother gives up her child for adoption and then that kid gets placed in foster care because the adoptive parents die and the biological mom wants her back?" she texts me back right away. She asks what chapter I'm on and what gut-wrenching storyline I'm trying to cook up. _

_And when I say something like, "I want to go to LA for my birthday weekend and see Paget Brewster in Thrilling Adventure Hour," she says, "I'll buy the plane tickets." She is the bomb. :) _

* * *

Emily surveyed the basement after she put a load of laundry into the washer. There was a huge amount of space down there. No cracks in the foundation, either, she noted with a smile. She made her way back upstairs. Devon had had a bath and Maddie had taken a shower and both kids were drawing in the living room and waiting for Derek to make popcorn so they could all watch a movie together.

Emily had been happy and relieved when she walked in the door with Maddie and the first thing Devon did was take her up to his bedroom to show her his emergency food supply. Hurdle number one crossed and conquered.

She'd been thrilled when Derek told her he'd be staying put and not working for several weeks while they all got settled.

They'd eaten dinner together and it had been pleasant, if quiet. Maddie wasn't trying to overcompensate with happiness. Her visit with her grandmother had made her sad, and it made Emily and Derek feel relieved to see Maddie displaying her feelings rather than faking it for their benefit.

Emily turned at the top of the basement stairs and looked into the kitchen where Derek was making popcorn and humming a tune she'd never heard before.

"What are you singing?"

Derek stopped and smiled shyly. "Do You Want to Build a Snowman? It's in Frozen. The movie we're going to watch tonight."

Emily raised her eyebrow and grinned. "Do you typically keep up with the soundtracks of Disney movies?"

Derek laughed. "It's a catchy tune. Penelope took Henry a couple years ago when it was in theaters and I tagged along. It's a good movie."

And then, much to Emily's surprise and delight, Derek turned towards her dramatically and started belting out a tune, complete with arm gestures and swaying hips. She'd heard this one before on the radio. Let it Go.

She giggled, which she'd done probably never in her life before. But that's what it was, a full-blown giggle. Derek stopped singing and laughed, wrapping her in a hug.

She wanted to stay in that moment, but instead she heard involuntary words slip past her lips. "I texted Tom. He and Declan are flying back tonight and Declan is going back to his dorm at the school for a couple of days. Tom has to go to New York for work. But he'll be back Thursday night and wants to meet me for coffee on Friday."

Derek released her and stepped back to look at her face. "OK," he said quietly. Then he turned around to turn off the heat on the stove. He started scooping popcorn into bowls.

Emily was a little surprised, only because she'd never really dealt with him quite like this. Jealous and worried. She'd caught a glimpse of it once before, in the BAU, after Ian was dead and Tom and Declan were there, but she'd been absorbed in her own shit that night and not able to consider him.

"I don't have to go," she said quietly to his back.

"Of course you do, Em. I can understand why he wants to talk. You gave him Declan and then left while you were pregnant and he had no idea. I get it."

His words are soft and firm at the same time, a combination of acknowledging the right thing to do while wishing she didn't have to do it at all.

Emily ran through dialogue in her head. She ran through their pasts. She let herself acknowledge that Tom, who had been persistent to the point of exasperation after Doyle was dead about Emily giving him another chance, had probably not gotten over her. At least not several years ago, and maybe not even now.

Derek's back was still facing her and he was tense. The kids were in the other room and this conversation might need to wait until after they were in bed, but she took the chance that she could end it and sooth his concern with a few words. "I told you in my flat in London back when you visited with Penelope that I never even knew what love was before you. I meant that then, and I mean it now."

Much to her relief, she saw his shoulders relax. She watched him turn and face her with a small smile. She watched him step towards her and felt his left arm wrap around her waist and his right hand land gently on her hair. His fingers traveled down her hair and neck, down her shoulder and over her ribs. Her knees felt weak; her body's response to his touch, even at the most inopportune moments, was always immediate.

He kissed her, far too briefly and softly for her liking in that moment, and smiled again. "OK," he whispered. Then he turned and handed her two bowls of popcorn, grabbing the other two for him to carry. "Let's go introduce you to Elsa and Anna and Olaf."

"I might need you to repeat that singing and dancing thing in the bedroom tonight," she responded with a smirk.

Derek laughed and turned towards the living room. She started following and grinned again when he started swaying his hips slightly. "I love you, Derek Morgan," she breathed out.

His smile when he turned his head over his shoulder to look at her was like a mega-watt light bulb.

_This, this life with him, is so good,_ she thought.

* * *

Emily splashed cold water on her face and looked at herself in the bathroom mirror. Rose had just left their house and Emily was trying to scrub the mental images of Devon's life with his mother out of her eyes. She wasn't succeeding.

Devon's mother, one Alicia Wilson, gave birth to Devon when she was just seventeen years old. She moved back in with her father in a house outside Baltimore. She either didn't know or never told anyone who Devon's father was. Alicia had kept it together during Devon's first couple of years, if the pictures that were found in Devon's home were any indication - lots of smiling pictures with a young Devon, his mom and his grandfather. Then Devon's grandfather had died, and Alicia started doing drugs, and for a little over two years it was just Devon and his drug-addict mom in the small house on a lot of land with no neighbors around.

Devon's grandfather probably thought he was doing Devon and Alicia a favor, setting up an account that would pay the property taxes on the house after he died. But, in reality, it just kept Devon isolated, and probably home alone a lot even as a toddler, with no one the wiser.

On August 13, 2015, Alicia had been found by a police officer in an alley, overdosed on heroin. She was alive, and when she was being treated at the hospital, the doctor discovered she'd very recently given birth. The police called child protective services, and Rose got the call in the middle of the night to accompany the police to Alicia's home.

"I told you, Derek, that there are things I'm sure we both wish we could unsee. Walking into that house is probably at the top of my list," Rose had told them sadly while sitting at their kitchen table, as Maddie and Devon played upstairs. They hadn't gotten all of these details before taking Devon in because they had been in a rush to just get the kids there before Christmas. It wouldn't have made a difference; it probably would have only strengthened their resolve to take Devon with Maddie.

Emily was thankful she didn't have the very vivid details until Christmas was over.

Though Devon wouldn't talk about it, it was likely that he'd been right there when Alicia had given birth to a baby girl. If the blood stains on the mattress were any indication, the whole thing had gone down amongst heaps of trash and filth. There was no birth certificate for the baby because there hadn't been a doctor or midwife or even a neighbor there. There had been Alicia, and a dirty, hungry Devon.

By some miracle, and perhaps a burst of empathy for her unborn child, Alicia hadn't been using heroin much during her pregnancy because the baby was not born totally addicted, though many of the baby's health issues indicated that Alicia had been doing some drugs during her pregnancy. But the baby wasn't born fully detoxing, or else that baby would have likely died before the police officer ever found Alicia passed out in an alley in Baltimore. That baby, and Devon, would have likely died anyway very soon though, because when Rose walked into that house, there was no food or formula to be found. There was an emaciated Devon, hiding in a closet and holding his naked baby sister, who was still breathing, but barely.

Alicia was alive, but the overdose had damaged her brain and she was either unwilling or unable to give details from her hospital bed in a correctional facility. And Devon was unwilling or unable to as well. He went to play therapy twice a week, and he'd talk about the present, but he wouldn't talk about his past. Rose had taken him to visit his baby sister once or twice a month since September, but the only person he'd ever really talked to about the baby was Maddie.

Again, there was no idea who the baby's father was. Though Devon's skin was a shade or two darker than Derek's, his baby sister, who the foster family had named Gabriella, was a shade lighter than Derek, hinting that the baby's father was likely Caucasian. She was a cute little baby, very little. They weren't sure of Alicia's original due date, but the doctor estimated that little Ella was likely six weeks premature when she was born. She had seizures, though medicine seemed to be controlling those. She had horrible reflux and difficulty keeping food down and was behind in her motor skills, but starting to catch up, if you considered her prematurity. The foster family received respite care from social services several times a week.

Emily splashed more cold water on her face and sighed, stepping away from the sink and closing the lid to the toilet, sinking down on weary legs. The whole thing was too devastating to illicit tears. Sadly, she and Derek had both seen worse in their careers. She'd just never lived day in and day out with the reality of it. She felt shaky and numb and a little tired, but determined.

After Rose had given them the news that speeding up the typical six-month process before they could finalize an adoption wasn't likely, but she'd see what she could do, and after they'd made arrangements for Rose to contact the foster parents who had Devon's sister to schedule a visit, Emily had excused herself to the bathroom to emotionally get herself together.

Derek had said it twice in the past twenty-four hours - the fact that Devon was seemingly open and able to make human connections was a miracle. Emily agreed. They'd only had him a few days and there were minor issues, but certainly nothing yet that indicated that Devon didn't crave both giving and receiving affection in an age-appropriate manner.

Emily sighed again and looked around. She was distracted from Devon's back story when her eyes caught a few details in the small space - years of profiling and surveying crime scenes had sharpened her senses to the point that even a contemplative trip to the master bathroom in this home she was now sharing with Derek became something she analyzed.

The first day she was there and really looked around the house, including this bathroom, she took in how Derek lived alone. His home was neat and organized, but there were things her profiler eyes had noticed. Insignificant, silly details. The towels had been hung up, but they were a haphazard mess on the towel rack. The cap was off the toothpaste tube that was unceremoniously squeezed in the middle. The toilet seat was up. There was some dirty laundry in the corner on the floor.

He'd left for work one morning and ended up leaving that evening for London. He hadn't been expecting her, and she was glad for that glimpse into his life when her presence was unplanned.

She wouldn't call herself anal or compulsive about tidiness, at least she liked to think so, but she had habits. Habits that had started for her as a small child, when her mother's rules about decorum and neatness went well beyond how she looked in her school uniform; they extended to strict rules about how she kept her room and bathroom. It was probably part of the reason anyplace she'd ever lived never looked particularly lived in.

Though she had no real recollection of doing it, she probably had straightened the towels in Derek's bathroom after the first shower she took there. Without thinking about it, she likely pushed the toothpaste tube back into a respectable shape and put the cap back on and put it in the vanity drawer automatically. She knew she'd picked up his dirty clothes and put them in the hamper.

Derek was a profiler as well, and he'd obviously taken notice. Because he'd taken his shower after her that morning and she could see the towels neatly and precisely hung up. She hadn't seen the toilet seat up since that first day there. His dirty clothes were in the hamper. Emily reached over and opened the vanity drawer. There was his tube of toothpaste next to hers, cap on and neatly rolled from the bottom.

She knew Derek noticing these details and making some minor adjustments to how he lived was in large part because he was a considerate person, but she didn't like it. Putting the toilet seat down and remembering the brand of coffee she liked best and picking it up at the store was considerate. But changing how he lived down to such details like rolling a tube of toothpaste instead of squeezing from the middle felt a lot like him trying to please her in a way that made her a little uneasy. She didn't need Derek to be perfect for her anymore than she needed Devon and Maddie to be. Perfect was way overrated.

With stunning clarity, on the wings of Devon's devastating history, Emily realized that all those years she spent thinking she hadn't figured herself out and she wasn't getting her life quite right boiled down to that moment, right there while she sat on the toilet lid. She knew what she wanted and what she didn't want.

She wanted Derek, Maddie and Devon and that house. She wanted Sammy despite the dog fur he'd left all over their floors in little more than forty-eight hours. She wanted to watch cartoons in her pajamas on Saturday mornings with Devon curled in her lap and Maddie by her side. She wanted simple arguments about whose turn it was to fold the laundry that ended in smiles at the ridiculousness of it all. She wanted Devon and Maddie and Derek for better or for worse. They all had their scars, but they were there and open to love.

She didn't want to live slovenly, but she wanted to live real. She wanted this house to feel lived in, a comfortable home where everyone was cared for and protected and respected for who they were. And she didn't want a single pretense of perfection, in ways large or small, that masked any of their realities or who they were.

Emily stood and went to the towel rack, slightly upsetting the towels there so they hung a little crooked and rumpled. She turned back around, pulled Derek's toothpaste from the drawer, unrolled the bottom of the tube and slightly squeezed the middle. Then, for good measure, she did the same to her tube of toothpaste. She left both on the bathroom counter, along with their toothbrushes. She reached into the hamper, grabbed his t-shirt that was sitting on top and tossed it in the corner as an exclamation point on the statement she was trying to make.

He'd notice. He'd get the message without them needing to have a conversation at all.

_I love you just the way you are, Derek, and I want to be steeped in the comfortable evidence of all of us around this house, sharing a happy life together, warts and all. _

* * *

"Let's talk about Maddie first," Robert Mason boomed in his friendly baritone from behind his desk at Winston School.

He was a bear of a man, but with kind features that put both kids and adults at ease. He'd been the director of the school for a little over twelve years. Emily had spoken with the man at length twice in the past. The first time was when she and Tom had brought Declan there the spring before he was to start first grade. But he wasn't Declan then. He was Lucas, and Emily had done most of the talking. Enough talking so Robert Mason likely assumed that Lucas was part of some sort of witness protection program, which he unofficially was, at least in Emily's mind.

The second time was after Doyle was dead, when she went back to the school with Tom and explained that the boy everyone called "Luke" was actually Declan, and now that he was safe, Declan wanted to go back to that name. Robert was notably surprised, a little angry about the fact that because of Declan, a woman had come to the school bearing poisoned cupcakes that had made many children sick. But Declan was a good student, an upstanding part of the school community. Declan went back to Winston School the following Monday, after Louise's funeral, with paperwork that listed his name as Declan Kohler, and a story for his classmates that would appease their curiosity about the name change.

When Emily had called Robert the day before Maddie and Devon came to their house to inquire about spaces at the school, Robert was a little uneasy. Emily had assured the man that Maddie and Devon were actually Maddie and Devon and there was no secret story she was hiding from him. She told Robert all the details over the phone.

So that afternoon, after the emotionally difficult home visit from Rose, after a few minutes in the bathroom composing herself and tossing toothpaste tubes out on the bathroom counter, after regrouping with Maddie, Devon and Derek over a pleasant lunch, they headed to Winston School. Emily had stayed with Devon while he stumbled and bumbled his way through the questions a very nice woman asked him about shapes and letters and numbers and sight words. He got a little less than a quarter of the questions correct.

Maddie was on her own for her entrance test, but Derek had stayed outside the door. Now Maddie and Devon were off with Declan, who'd returned home the night before, looking around the school, and she and Derek were talking to Robert.

"I can tell you that I don't think Maddie's less-than-exemplary attendance record at school the past couple years was totally emotionally driven," Robert continued.

Emily raised her eyebrows, not sure what he meant, and Robert smiled. "I think that young lady was likely bored out of her mind in a standard fifth grade classroom, particularly in language arts. She's reading and comprehending at about an eighth grade level. She's slightly above her grade-level in math. She'll do well here with the option to take more robust classes. Plus Coach Barnes is practically salivating to get her on his basketball team."

Emily grinned and Derek squeezed her hand.

"As far as Devon goes, simply put, he is just not ready for Kindergarten. It's unfair to him and it's probably been frustrating for him these past several months. I understand he was put there for access to a good speech therapy program. I was the principal at a lower income school in Richmond before I came here, and I know how it goes. Devon was in the foster care system but without a foster family to advocate for him, so the standard, least expensive option was default. He was the right age for Kindergarten, so he went to Kindergarten. But he was barely the right age, only turning five in September. If you'd brought him to me back then, I would have advised that you put him in our Junior Kindergarten program, and it's what I advise now. We have excellent counselors and speech therapists and we'll be able to help him. He'll also get to be a little boy who enjoys school instead of being frustrated by it."

Emily and Derek and even Rose knew this was probably coming, and they agreed with Robert. Devon had completely missed out on a childhood the past couple of years, and they wanted him to have one. They wanted him to wake up excited about school.

"Do you think his stuttering will be a problem?" asked Derek.

"With the other kids or with us? It won't be a problem for his teachers, I assure you. And you said it improves when he's more comfortable. Our junior kindergarten classes are small, two teacher and sixteen kids, and separated from the rest of the school. It's a nice space. As far as the other kids go, we're not all about high-achieving, flawless, wealthy kids. We're a lot more diverse than we were when Declan first started here, and we teach compassion as much as we teach academics. I think he'll do well here."

With that, it was all decided except signing some paperwork and writing the initial tuition check. The kids would start back to school on January fifth, when the break was over, but Maddie could start joining the middle school team for practices, and there was one the next day.

Robert handed them the school manual with all the rules, and a flyer with information about where to purchase the school uniform and they set off to find the kids.

"I didn't think about the uniforms," Emily moaned in mock horror.

Derek smiled and twined his fingers with hers as they walked down the path at the school. "It won't be like when you went to school and wore a uniform, Em. We can rumple the kids up before they leave the house in the morning, untuck shirts, mess up Maddie's hair and let them wear mismatched socks if they want. Then we can go upstairs, squeeze the toothpaste tubes in the middle and toss towels around the bathrooms."

Emily grinned and then laughed. It was a different sort of laugh than she'd ever heard come out of her mouth before; it was an easy, completely relaxed laugh, a laugh that sparkled with fierce love and tittered with possibility.

She leaned her head against Derek's shoulder and squeezed his fingers as they walked. She remembered what she wrote in her journal when she was fourteen, and so did he.

He'd gone to the bathroom before they left the house and received her message loud and clear.


	25. Chapter 25

_A/N - I'm hoping to get another update done before Sunday, but this weekend, parental duties abound and I'm flying solo with the kidlets due to some geeky, math-type conference for my one and only, so...I shall try, but I can't make promises. ::smooch::_

* * *

Emily nervously flicked the edge the cardboard sleeve that surrounded her coffee cup and waited for Tom to arrive. That morning in the house with Derek had been slightly tense, though Derek had tried valiantly to make things easy and normal. He hadn't said anything, but she watched his eyes. She went upstairs to shower and came back and his eyes landed on the ring on her finger, like he was surprised she hadn't taken it off for her meeting with Tom, like he was worried she would. She went upstairs after breakfast to put on her boots, and she came back down and his eyes had looked for the ring again. Finally, when she was putting on her coat and getting ready to walk out the door, after hugging Maddie and Devon goodbye, she kissed Derek on the cheek and whispered in his ear, "I'm not taking it off. Ever."

The ten minutes she'd sat at the table in the coffee shop, she'd alternated between tearing bits of cardboard off the sleeve on her cup and staring at that ring. She wasn't taking it off. The old her would have. The old her would have hidden it away to make the conversation with Tom easier, but there was no escaping the reality she knew: Tom was hurt, Tom might be angry. Though she'd kindly declined, Tom had tried to convince her to to stay with him several times, both in those months when she first brought Declan and Louise to DC, and again in the months following Doyle's death.

Maybe he was over it now, but she doubted it. And the fact was that she was setting up house and a life with Derek, Maddie and Devon essentially in Tom's own backyard, which made it all more crucial that she handled this honestly. She went back to picking at the corner of the cardboard and saw Tom striding down the sidewalk through the window.

Suddenly she didn't know what to do with her left hand. Should she keep it tucked in her lap and let him just sit at the table, without any greeting at all? Should she hug him first and then try to hide it? _No,_ her subconscious yelled at her. _Live real. Be kind, but be real. _

Emily stood when Tom approached the table. She reached out to give him a warm, but quick, hug. He saw the ring in a fraction of a second. She saw a brief flash of moisture in his eyes, and then it was gone. He smiled warmly at her and sat down.

"I got you a coffee," she mumbled nervously.

Tom reached for the cup and cleared his throat. "Tell me," he implored. "Declan told me what you told him, but I know there's more."

And so, what was once Emily's biggest secret, the secret that caused her nightmares and heartburn and heart palpitations, was told again. All of it. And it was almost easy that time because she knew there was no loss at the end of the story, that she could get through this conversation and then head home where her daughter waited for her. She ended the narrative with, "Please don't say you're sorry that it all happened. First of all, it's not your fault; I made my choices, too. Secondly, I'm really not sorry about Interpol or Doyle at all anymore. I can't be when I have her with me."

Tom nodded and sat quietly for several long breaths. "I always hoped, at the end, it would be you and me," he finally admitted out loud.

Emily's heart broke in feeling and empathy, but not in love. Perhaps at one time she could have loved Tom Kohler, back when she was twenty-four years old, had there not been any secrets or Interpol. But she couldn't even tell him that. She was twenty-four years old back then, and he was thirty-six, and she couldn't even claim to know herself at all. It had taken her decades to figure that out, and she had only started understanding who she could be, the version of herself she wanted to be, in the past couple of weeks.

She wanted to tell him that at the end, she had trusted him with something precious to her, she had trusted him with Declan, but she knew it wouldn't make any difference, and it wasn't what he needed to hear in that moment.

While she looked at him and fumbled for words, he asked in a cracked voice, "You're not going to try and take Declan from me, are you?"

The question literally knocked the wind from her chest, it was so far outside the realm of the words she'd been trying to formulate. _He's sixteen, Tom, and you've had him for over a decade. He's happy, Tom, just where his is. _

Neither statement seemed quite right. "You're his father, Tom. You have been for a long time. Declan calls you by your first name, but you're the man who made him who he is. I'd never think of taking him from you, and I doubt Declan would come with me if I asked him to. I know he wouldn't."

Tom smiled at that, and Emily felt relief, like this conversation might be coming to an end and she could just go home. But then Tom drew things back again. He reached out and touched the ring on her finger. "You look happy. Your face looks like I wish I could have made it for you for years."

Had she misled him? No, not ever. From the moment she let him back into her life after she started at Interpol, it had only been friendly, never more - comforting, especially in those first few months after Doyle, but platonic. She'd made sure of that. Perhaps he felt when he'd taken Declan, and paid his debt he felt he owed her, that there was something else out there waiting for him with her.

"Tom," she said quietly.

"Would it have been different, if you told me about Maddie, and I had found her? Could it have been me?" he asked sadly.

This time there was no hesitation, only a sick feeling in her gut at potentially hurting him, and the absolute need to end this line of thinking of his, to speak the truth. "No," she replied. "No, Tom. If I didn't think underneath everything that you were trustworthy and kind, I would have never left Declan with you. But, I was lost for a long time, and there was only one person I could ever let find me, and that's Derek."

Tom looked down in his lap and cleared his throat. Emily waited a long time for him to look up, and kept her tears in check. When he finally did, he smiled softly at her. "Can I just ask you one more thing?" he said with a grin.

Emily nodded and strengthened herself for another difficult question.

"Can you tell me how the hell it is that you and Ian Doyle made a kid who kills it on the basketball court?"

Emily blinked at the unexpectedness of the question. Then she laughed and patted his arm gently and briefly. "I have absolutely no clue."

The conversation was lighter after that, with Tom asking her questions she couldn't answer about what she was going to do for work now, but they were cursory questions, things he threw out so as not to abruptly end their meeting. They parted shortly after with another brief hug and the casual words of getting together for coffee again sometime, but Emily knew it would probably be a long time before Tom instigated something like that, if he ever did.

Emily sat in her car outside the coffee shop and took a few deep breaths. It had gone okay. Tom would be okay. She looked at the clock on her dashboard. She hadn't any idea how long her meeting with Tom would take. She'd left the house with the promise of being home by lunch, but it was only ten-thirty.

She had a deep desire to finish cleaning house, so to speak. She'd talked to and been around the team. She'd told Declan about Maddie. She'd now talked to Tom. There was only one other person she needed to talk to.

Christmas had come and gone without a phone call from Elizabeth Prentiss. This wasn't unusual; their communication with each other was infrequent and sporadic with no specific emotions tied to things like holidays and birthdays. Still, it probably wouldn't be long until Elizabeth, by way of connections and acquaintances, found out Emily had left Interpol. One of Emily's senior agents was the son of a diplomat who was actually on friendly terms with Elizabeth. It wouldn't surprise Emily if her mom already knew that she'd left London and was just waiting for Emily to contact her.

She wouldn't let herself hope that this meeting with her mom would be loving and happy, but she felt like she wanted to get it over with and just be with Derek and the kids were a clear conscience. And, if she was honest with herself, having Maddie and Devon had set off a longing she'd blocked herself from feeling before; the feeling of wanting a real relationship with her own mother, however improbable or impossible. Her mind still sometimes went back to that one night when she'd shown up at her mother's door when her mother believed her dead, and how her mother had been warm and receptive. A part of Emily really wanted that strange version of mother in her life.

Instead of turning her car around and heading home, she pulled away from the curb and headed to Georgetown.

* * *

Elizabeth's house was the same as it always was - precise, rigid and neat. So was Elizabeth. Though Emily's mother's active political days were essentially over, she was, at ten-thirty in the morning, dressed in a suit, hair neatly done, make-up on, as if at any moment someone was going to call her in for an important meeting.

Emily knew the reality was likely that her mom would quietly move around her house in her designer suit for the day, pretending to make herself busy with different things, until evening, when she'd go quietly to bed. Tomorrow morning she'd wake up and don a similar outfit and repeat it all. It made Emily feel sad.

She waited patiently in the living room full of furniture that looked like it had never been sat on while her mother heated water for tea. When her mother returned with the tray and sat down stiffly in the chair opposite Emily, she questioned, "So you've quit your job with Interpol?"

Emily smiled slightly. "I knew you'd probably heard that. I haven't officially quit anything yet, but I'm not going back."

Elizabeth sipped her tea and eyed her daughter, pursing her lips slightly at the casual boots, faded jeans and comfortable sweater Emily was wearing. Emily held back from rolling her eyes. Conversation with Elizabeth Prentiss was always difficult because Emily knew she was being judged and analyzed, from her clothes to her hair to her words.

Suddenly, being there felt like a very bad idea. She didn't want this around Maddie or Devon, ever. Still, she couldn't hide her life from her mother, and her mother finding out about Derek and the kids in other ways would end up being worse.

Emily cleared her throat. "I'm living with Derek Morgan. Agent Morgan? You've met him before."

Elizabeth raised her eyebrows and Emily almost smiled. She'd surprised her mother. _Just you wait, Mom._

"I remember him. How long have you two been seeing each other?" Elizabeth finally asked in a detached voice.

"A little more than five years or a little less than two weeks, depending on what timeline or reality you want to use," Emily said softly, and then she did smile genuinely at the look of confusion on her mother's face. How badly could she possibly shock this woman? Emily had come back from the dead; certainly this wouldn't be more of an assault on her mom's system. How badly could her mother actually hurt her with her reaction? That was the big unknown.

"Mom," Emily continued, just wanting to get it out, "almost eleven years ago, I got pregnant when I was on an assignment for work. I gave the baby up for adoption. I can tell you the whole story if you want, but the important thing is that I have her back now. Her name is Madeleine. Maddie. Derek and I are going to raise her, along with another foster child named Devon. He's five."

Elizabeth stared, and then her cool exterior cracked a bit. Emily could see her hands shaking as she put her cup of tea down on the table. "I have a granddaughter?"

Emily nodded. "And a grandson," she said softly, but firmly. "I have a picture of them here on my phone." Emily fumbled with her phone and found a picture from Christmas morning and handed the phone over to her mom.

Elizabeth took the phone and riveted her eyes on the picture for a long time. "She looks just like you, Emily."

"I know. She's ten and she's very smart and funny and kind. She plays basketball. And Devon, he's so sweet. He had a rough life, but he's so loving and open. They're starting at Winston School next week and...I can't believe this is my life. I've loved every minute of it so far." It was by far the most honest declaration Emily had ever made in front of her mother and she knew she was open and vulnerable in the moment, looking at her mom with hope and beseeching eyes for understanding and acceptance.

Elizabeth looked up and handed the phone back to Emily, finally noticing for the first time the ring on Emily's hand. Her eyes flickered there and then she placed her hands in her lap and seemed to be waiting for Emily to say something else, but before Emily could find any words, Elizabeth interjected. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't tell anyone, Mom."

"Not back then, Emily. Why didn't you tell me when you first came back to the states?"

Elizabeth almost sounded hurt, which wasn't an emotion she'd ever heard in her mom's voice before. "Because we didn't know how things were going to end up at first, and then we wanted to get them settled." Emily paused. "Because, Mom, I need you to understand that they are both emotionally fragile and insecure right now in a lot of ways. Visiting them while wearing a suit and making them squirm under your scrutiny isn't something I'm comfortable with. I don't want that for them."

At first Elizabeth bristled at those words. Emily could see the flash of red on her cheeks and her eyes narrowing in anger, could see her back stiffen. But then her mom released the breath she was holding and relaxed her posture. Elizabeth looked over Emily's head, around the living room, blinking and breathing for a few seconds, before her eyes landed back on Emily's.

"You know, Emily, I do own other clothing."

It was an unexpected statement, a gift, a surprise. Emily started to smile and then her mother continued, "I'd like to meet my granddaughter."

The smile fell off Emily's face. "And grandson."

Elizabeth waved her hand and made a face, like Devon was of little significance, and Emily felt that wave of her hand like it was a slap across her face. Emily stood, the need to get out of that stiff, cold brownstone immediate and overwhelming. She'd known this likely wasn't going to be easy or be a situation where she walked out feeling happy or comforted. But she hadn't expected to feel this level of anger, hadn't considered that her mom would be so immediately and obviously dismissive of Devon.

Emily breathed in and out, slowly, not wanting to let her anger get the best of her. "I know this is a huge shock to you and it's going to take some time to get used to. But Maddie and Devon, they're a package deal. Maddie may biologically be mine, but they belong to me and Derek, both of them. When you can come to our home and be okay with dog fur and children who are allowed to play and laugh and make noise in the house, when you want to meet my family and accept them just as they are - and by that I mean all of them - and you can treat them equally and kindly, you let me know. I'll let myself out."

Emily walked quickly, though she wanted to run.

"Emily," Elizabeth called out as Emily was going through the front door. .

Emily paused and turned around; she couldn't help the feeling of hope that fluttered in her heart. She met her mother's eyes as the frigid air blew into the house. Her mom opened and closed her mouth several times, like she was trying to say words she couldn't quite get past her lips. Then, "Drive safely," finally came out of her mom's mouth.

Emily shook her head and slammed the door behind her.

She cried the first half of the drive home, and then calmed herself with the knowledge that her life before her visit with her mom was no different than her life after the visit. She still had what was important to her, and now she didn't have to worry about her mother finding out from someone else. She also felt a surge of strength inside her that she had stood up to her mother and actually said what was on her mind for the first time in her life. Emily laughed quietly to herself that at forty-five years old she felt proud of herself for standing up to Elizabeth Prentiss.

When she pulled in the driveway, all thoughts of her mom disappeared at first. There, in the front yard, were four snowmen. Derek and the kids had been busy that morning. The snowmen were them, the four of them, with branches for arms angled so it looked like they were all holding hands.

Emily grinned at the sight, her residual sadness and anger melting away, and let herself in the front door. Sammy barked and trotted over to greet her, reaching her a second before Devon did. "Emily!" he said happily and then jumped in her arms for a hug.

Maddie smiled and hugged her briefly around the waist. And then Derek was there, curious, but obviously happy to see her.

"I like the snowmen," Emily said.

"Snow _family_," said Maddie softly.

Emily set Devon on the ground and gently ran her hand over Maddie's head. "Even better."

She reached forward to hug Derek. "How did it go?" he whispered in her ear.

"Okay."

Emily had spent the last part of her drive home thinking about family in general again, and making herself okay with the idea that her mother may never play a part in her life with the kids and Derek any more than she did before they came along.

She squeezed her arms more firmly around Derek, finding warmth and strength there. "I think we should have your mom come for a visit."

* * *

The previous New Year's Eve, Rossi had had a party. Derek had gone with Savannah, not particularly happy with his life, but thinking if he just kept trying he'd find that feeling of contentment that was eluding him. JJ wasn't really happy last year either, and things seemed a little tense between her and Will. For a New Year's Eve party, it had been a relatively quiet night; they all kept it pleasant but there wasn't a lot of laughter.

Despite the fact that he'd just had everyone over for Christmas Eve, Rossi invited everyone back again to ring in the new year together this year. Derek observed the scene in Rossi's house and was awestruck by what a difference a year made.

Christmas Eve had been different, wonderful, but cautious and quiet with Maddie and Devon there, no one quite knowing how to act. But the second time around, at New Year's, there was less caution and more joy. Maddie and Devon were happy to be there and see everyone again, and that took an emotional edge off the night.

Early in the evening, the kids were in Rossi's living room, watching movies and playing cards, Devon sitting in the V of Maddie's legs while she helped him play with Jack and Henry. This was sweet enough, but it was the action at Rossi's dining room table, where the adults were sitting and playing poker, that first started the waterfall of surprise and happiness and even a desire for time's past. No, that wasn't quite right. Derek knew none of them wanted to go backwards, because this present was damned good. Maybe it was a longing for the missing time they couldn't get back.

Spencer had just laid down a straight and was smiling, reaching for the mound of chips in the middle of the table when Emily slyly said, "Not so fast, Dr. Reid."

Spencer paused, but not just because of the full house Emily laid on the table before him. They all paused. The tone, the half-smirk on Emily's face and her glittering eyes - it was like she'd never been gone. And by gone, Derek felt, and he knew the rest of the team felt the same, they weren't going back in their memories to the last year Emily was with them before she left for London. They were going back, back before Doyle, back to the Emily that was quick with the sarcasm and a laugh and was an absolutely integral part of them all.

Their jobs, their focus on human reactions, helped most of them let the moment pass. There was laughter and ribbing and cheers at Emily's hand. But Spencer didn't let it pass. Spencer, who was smarter than them all, who struggled in some part with socially-expected empathy, but at the same time was more empathetic than most people, wasn't quite so quick to let the moment pass.

He blinked. He blinked quickly and tried to smile, but it didn't quite hide the tears in his eyes. Emily stood from the table to reach for the pile of chips, but stopped midway and instead reached to the side to place a hand on Spencer's. She leaned her body over and hugged him quickly. Then she took half the chips on the table and pushed them back towards Spencer. With an understanding smile on her face, she looked at him and said, "I don't want to deny myself the pleasure of kicking your ass at another hand."

Reid laughed, as did the rest of them, and they all moved on and continued playing.

Penelope leaned into Derek as the cards were being dealt and whispered. "There's a balance in The Force."

"What?" asked Derek in amusement.

"It was never quite right when she was gone," Penelope whispered back.

Derek remembered it then, that feeling a couple years back, that Emily provided them with a balance that was needed and missing. It wasn't about work anymore, they'd moved beyond that. But that feeling that they were a cohesive family hadn't quite been there since the day that Emily got on a plane to London; it was back now. Derek could feel it and couldn't stop smiling.

Later than night, as midnight approached, Derek was standing at the kitchen island with an unobstructed view of Emily in the living room. While Maddie, Jack and Henry just seemed to get more amped up as it got later, Devon had finally petered out and crawled into Emily's lap. Derek stood quietly and watched Emily as she talked to Penelope and JJ, with her arms wrapped around Devon, who was asleep with head on her shoulder. She laughed at something JJ said and then brushed her lips softly on Devon's forehead.

"It's something to see, isn't it?" Hotch asked.

Derek jumped, not hearing Hotch approach. Then he laughed and took the beer Hotch was holding out to him. "It is," he replied. "Thank you for the time off."

"Absolutely. Ashley's been fine with us; it's been good the past few days."

Derek nodded. "You know, Hotch, I was thinking about all of us getting a life."

"What do you mean?"

"Did you know that the objectives and mission for the BAU hasn't changed on the books since Rossi and Gideon first wrote it, when they were looking to build the team?"

Hotch shook his head and looked curiously at Derek. "You haven't read it, I'm guessing. You just took over and followed in their footsteps. I never really looked before a couple of days ago. Their idea was a team that would go out and spend 48-72 hours once a week on a case that needed their expertise. The other two or three days a week would be for paperwork and helping from afar. There's nothing in the objectives of the BAU that states or orders we have to take every case that's valid that comes our way. That's just what we do, because it's what Gideon and Rossi did before, and you kept that going. But even if we only solved one case a week, our solve rate would still be higher than all other similar departments in the FBI."

Hotch looked at him. "That's true, but it's hard to say no when we can help people."

Derek shrugged. "I know. But maybe not think about it as saying no to other people and instead saying yes to being humans with more in their lives besides work." Derek tipped the neck of his beer bottle and nodded his head towards Jack, where he was sitting and laughing with Maddie about something. "Life goes fast, Hotch. I already feel like Emily and Maddie and Devon have been with me for an eternity. You'll regret all you missed when he's grown and gone."

Hotch looked at Jack and then back at Derek. "Is this your subtle way of telling me you're ultimately going to end up quitting?"

Derek shook his head. "Emily and I haven't talked about work yet. I can't really tell you what's ultimately going to happen, but I will say I can't really imagine my life without the BAU. I want my life to be more than that, though. You're the boss, you know. Just because it's always been done one way doesn't mean our jobs can't be done a different way. Just giving you something to think about."

Hotch stared at him and then looked back at Jack. Just then Rossie announced, "Two minutes until midnight!"

Derek smiled at Hotch and walked towards the living room. He remembered his focus becoming singular in that moment, when he zeroed in on Emily as she stood from her chair with Devon still in her arms. He remembered the slope of her neck, where Devon's sleeping face nestled against it, chocolate brown against ivory. He remembered before he got to Emily, he felt a small hand slip into his and looked down to see Maddie there, smiling at him.

As the seconds wound down, he placed one hand over Maddie's shoulders and one arm around Emily's back. He didn't watch the ball drop on the television, and he had very little recollection of anyone else in the room in that moment. There was Devon, fast asleep, and Maddie with her arms around both him and Emily, and then there was Emily, with her eyes looking at him.

He counted down the numbers, with his mouth moving but no sound coming out, and the final seconds ticked by on the year.

Before they got to ten second mark on the countdown, he remembered staring into Emily's eyes and smiling. "I'm trying to think of something really profound to say right now. Something poetic that will make you fall in love with me all over again."

And Emily smiled. With one arm around Devon, and her other hand on Maddie's head, she leaned against him and whispered, "I do that every day."


	26. Chapter 26

Emily woke up laying on her side, staring at the morning light just beginning to make its way through the bedroom curtains. She felt a little lost; it was the first time in over two weeks that she'd woken up without Derek's arms around her. She did sense a presence in the bed, though. Reaching her arm back, she made contact with fur.

Emily rolled over and came face to face with Sammy, the dog looking at her almost sheepishly.

"We'll need to have a discussion about this arrangement, Sammy," she said in a sleep-laden voice.

The dog thumped his tail on the bed and tried to burrow closer to her. Emily laughed and scratched him behind the ears before moving to stand. She could hear the sounds of conversation and laughter floating gently up the stairs. Smiling again, she threw one of Derek's sweatshirts on over her tank top and headed downstairs to find her family, Sammy following at her heels.

It was January fifth, and after days of more sledding and ice skating and board games and movies by the fireplace in the living room, it was time for the kids to head back to school. Maddie would be fine: She'd had several practices with the basketball team, and while there were no other fifth graders on the team, she was making friends. She'd be taking math with two of the sixth graders on the team, and a literature class with a couple of the seventh and eighth graders.

They'd both been a bit worried about Devon, until the day before. Maddie had been at basketball practice and they were walking around the school grounds with Devon when they came upon his classroom door slightly propped open. Inside they found one of his teachers, Ms. Clarke, getting the room ready for the new semester. As soon as Devon nervously peered in the door, Ms. Clarke spotted him. She hopped off the step stool she was standing on and smiled warmly. "You must be Devon," she'd exclaimed brightly.

Devon had nodded slowly.

"I am so lucky! I didn't think I was going to get to meet you until tomorrow. Come on in and I'll show you around!"

This had prompted a grin from Devon, and clutching firmly to Emily's hand, he'd walked fully into the classroom. They'd ended up staying an hour, and by the end, as Ms. Clarke sat on the floor and helped Devon hold the classroom's bunny in his lap, Devon was talking to her freely, still stuttering slightly, but clearly feeling pretty comfortable.

He'd gone to bed the night before excited about school.

As Emily came down the stairs that morning, she could hear the kids more clearly, both of them laughing, and Derek doing what she thought was a Julia Child's impression while making pancakes, though he was adorably awful at it so she wasn't completely sure. She stood at the landing and listened for a second.

"You take the egg and crack it on the side of the bowl," mimicked Derek in a high, sing-song voice, followed by more giggling from the kids.

Emily grinned and rounded the corner to find Maddie and Devon perched on the stools at the kitchen counter, both already in their uniforms. Derek smiled when he saw her and that prompted Maddie to turn in her stool. She hopped down and walked towards Emily. "What do you think?" she asked, gesturing to her uniform.

What Emily thought was that she was having a flashback to herself as a young child. She remembered seeing her reflection in the mirror of her bathroom at the age of ten looking almost exactly like that. Though they'd bought Maddie the uniform tan and navy blue pants, along with sweaters and sweatshirts and blouses, Maddie had elected to wear the navy blue pleated skirt that morning. The collar of her white blouse rested crisply against the tan and blue sweater she was wearing with the school crest embroidered on it. She'd pulled on the white wool tights they'd purchased and was wearing the shoes Emily bought her at Christmas. Her hair was shiny, brushed neatly, and held away from her face with a headband.

Emily's heart thudded and dropped in her stomach, and then rose again to beat rapidly. She thought she might cry and swallowed past the lump in her throat. "It looks fantastic and you look happy and excited," she managed with a genuine smile. "What do _you _think?"

Maddie smiled at Emily. "I like it. I don't really like tights, but it's better than freezing."

Emily reached forward to place a hand on Maddie's shoulder. "You could wear the pants," she said softly.

"I know, but Lila said she was wearing her skirt today, so I decided to do that, too."

Emily nodded. Lila was on the basketball team, a sixth grader and a seemingly pleasant and kind girl. It was natural for Maddie to feel nervous and want to be dressed similarly to someone she knew.

"I always used to wear my uniform shorts under my skirt to help keep my tights up," Emily said with a grin.

Maddie rolled her eyes in a friendly way and returned the grin. "We must be related," she said, lifting her skirt to reveal the navy blue shorts underneath.

Emily smiled and swallowed past that lump in her throat again.

Devon slipped up beside Emily and she looked down to find him dressed in navy blue pants and his school sweater. He smiled up at her and she crouched down to his eye level. "I like it," she whispered. He smiled wider and reached forward to give her a hug.

"I found these two on the couch watching cartoons, all ready for school, about an hour ago. It seems they were both excited for the first day of school and got up before dawn. We decided to let you sleep a bit more," Derek chimed in in his regular voice.

Emily looked at him and could see he sensed her emotions were riding close to the surface. He winked at her and went back to his impressionist voice. "Next you take the milk and pour it in the bowl," he said.

The prompted Maddie and Devon to laugh and refocus their attention on him. Emily was grateful. She stepped into the kitchen to start making coffee and gather herself a bit. At one point Derek stood closely behind her and whispered, "You okay?"

She nodded. "I'm happy for them and worried about them, and I think I'm going to really miss them when they're at school all day," she whispered back.

His chin landed on her shoulder and she could feel his smile. "They're going to be great, and I'm going to miss them, too. But, just think, Em...you and me, seven or so hours in this house...what on earth shall we do all day?"

Emily laughed quietly and playfully slapped his cheek. "Cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping," she listed off.

He groaned and laughed and went back to the pan on the stove to flip the pancakes. She turned to look at him. In a teasing voice she whispered, "That should take maybe three hours at most. I have absolutely no idea what we'll do with the other four. Any ideas?"

With his back to the kids, he gave her grin and waggled his eyebrows.

* * *

There had been the cloudy morning light in London that barely filtered into Emily's bedroom. There had been those few mornings when she was back in Virginia, when it was still dark out, before he left for work. There had been candlelight and the soft glow of the bedside lamps; there had been dark and dusk and one brief, unexpected burst of fluorescent brightness in his office where Derek was too stunned to take notice of all the details of the wondrous expanse of her body.

But late that morning in their bedroom, after the kids had happily been dropped off at school and they'd done the grocery shopping and started some laundry, there was only sunlight. The curtains were open and the sun reflected off the snow on the ground and roof and bounced back upstairs, through the window, creating an almost blinding clarity of Emily's form on the bed; hair a mess on the pillows, eyes squeezed shut, fingers still clutching the sheets in a white-knuckled grip, and her flushed skin moving on her chest as it expanded and contracted rapidly while she tried to catch her breath. Derek kissed her inner thigh and then knelt up, momentarily ignoring the obviousness of desire between his own legs, to look his fill.

There was the branding and the scar on her abdomen, but they were not what he was interested in. He wanted to investigate something he'd caught a glimpse of as his lips trailed down her body before settling between her legs several minutes before. Delicately, he traced the few, faint stretch marks that laced her hips and spread slightly inward towards her stomach. He'd never noticed them before; they were slight and subtle against her skin and for the most part the lighting had never been bright enough.

He felt her eyes were open and on him and he met her stare, trailing one finger over her hip bone. "Are these from Maddie?" he whispered.

She blinked quickly and nodded.

He curved his body forward to kiss first her left hip bone and then her right, before sliding his body up over hers to look her in the eye. "They're beautiful. You're beautiful," he said reverently.

Though he was reticent to pause the forward motion of the activity in their bed that morning, he heard more words slip past his lips, seemingly on their own. "What did you tell other...people about them when they asked?" He'd almost said men, but realized that was the wrong noun at the last minute.

He felt her arms go around his body and her fingers press into his back. She reached her head up to kiss his chin. "No one ever asked, but there weren't very many who were privy to the view."

He lifted his eyebrows, not really knowing what question he was trying to ask, but she assumed.

"A few one-night stands in my first few years with the BAU and then nothing until that night in your office."

She didn't continue; he knew what came after that - One night with JJ and then the woman she saw sporadically in London. He didn't ask if the people in her early days with the BAU were men or women, because it didn't matter. What he was thinking about was the fact that five years ago she was on his desk, completely open to him under the harsh glare of the lighting in his office, and while he could recall every facial expression she made that night, and he could recount with artist's detail how her shoulders sloped, how her face looked with her eyes closed and her head arched back, how her perfect breasts stood proudly on her chest, he'd never looked at her hips. All the answers to the mystery that was Emily Prentiss escaped him for years because he hadn't paid enough attention.

Seeming to keep up with his thoughts without any words at all, she reached one hand to touch his cheek, "I wish I could go back and undo all the things I never told you, but I can't. If you had asked me about the stretch marks that night in your office, I would have lied. We can't go back, Derek, only forward." She smiled softly at him, "Besides, you would have been too much a gentleman to ask back then anyway."

Mollified and more in love with than he'd been just a few minutes before, for her honesty and openness, he felt his lips lift in a small grin. "Are you saying I'm not a gentleman now?"

"Hmmm, most of the time you are, not all of the time, though. The colorful words and obscenities you can string together and whisper in my ear at certain times are very ungentlemanly. And I love it."

He laughed quietly and kissed her languidly. "I aim to please," he said. "You're not too shabby in the colorful language department at certain times either."

He adjusted his body and pushed inside her in one sure, fluid movement that never ceased to take his breath away. She gasped and arched her head back and he took advantage of the expanse of soft skin on her neck, kissing her. "Let's see how many times I can get you to the 'colorful language' point before you hear mine," he whispered in her ear, a smile on his lips and in his voice.

Emily laughed and squeezed her legs tightly around his waist. "Game on, Agent Morgan."

* * *

Emily wasn't asleep, but her eyes were closed and she was enjoying the feel of Derek's fingertips as they lightly trailed over her cooling skin. Her legs felt like rubber and they were never going to get most of the cleaning done before the school day was over. She didn't care anymore; there was always tomorrow.

"Em?" Derek asked.

She kept her eyes closed and murmured a quiet, "Hmmm?"

"It's entirely unfair when you use a different language when we're having sex. How would I know whether or not it was appropriately colorful?"

The laugh bubbled from her lips. "Trust me, it was plenty colorful."

Derek lapsed into silence again and she felt his fingertips slide from her neck, between her breasts and down to rest on her stomach.

"Em?" he asked again a few seconds later. "You called me Agent Morgan earlier. Is that how you still see me?"

This time she opened her eyes and rolled on her side to face him. She raised her eyebrows, not sure what he meant.

"I mean," he continued, "I know we both can't have demanding careers that require travel, but that doesn't mean you're the one who has to give up your career. I could do something different."

Emily was a loss for words. She'd really not been thinking about her career at all the past couple of weeks, figuring that when things felt really settled with Devon and Maddie, she'd see what was out there. It had never occurred to her that Derek would want to or be willing to give up the BAU. "Do you want to do something different?" she asked him.

"I'm not sure. I talked to Hotch on New Year's Eve a bit about slowing the team down. If he considers that, I could see myself staying with the BAU. But I can't imagine a life where I just get home from a case and think I'm going to get time with you and the kids only to be called back out immediately on another one. I think I'd be miserable and resentful very quickly. I feel like I need to stay through JJ's maternity leave, because I'd feel terrible about leaving the team while she was out. But I don't want you to feel like you have to give up something you love just so I can keep my job. I can give, too."

Emily smiled at him. "See? Pure gentleman." She reached her head forward to kiss him and whispered, "Yes, I still see you as Agent Morgan, my ass-kicking profiler with the heart of gold. But only as long as it makes you happy. I understand what you mean about the travel, and if that doesn't feel right for you, then you can choose to do something else. As for me? I feel like I missed out on ten years of Maddie's life, and I don't want to miss a moment now, with her or Devon. Getting a job with Interpol here isn't something I can even imagine, nor going back to the FBI. I've considered putting in an application to be a contract interpreter with the State Department. I'd get to set my own hours. Beyond that, I really don't know. It doesn't seem important to me just now, but I might feel differently in a few months."

Derek searched her face and nodded. "Maybe we could see how we're feeling and revisit this in six months?"

Emily smiled. "That works."

Derek placed his arm around her waist and pulled her closer to him. "Ass-kicking profiler with the heart of gold? Think I could put that on my business cards?"

"Sure," she replied with a laugh. "It's true, you know," she said more softly.

Derek's arms squeezed her more tightly. "I love you, Emily. Can I ask you something else?"

She pulled back from him slightly. "I love you, too, and of course."

"How do you feel about construction?"

Emily stared at him for a second, thinking of an answer to his unexpected question. "I'm not quite sure I've ever analyzed my feelings about construction. Why do you ask?"

Derek's fingers landed on her knee and slowly slid their way up her thigh. "As much fun as this morning was, I was thinking that I'm home right now, we're down one guest room, there's plenty of space in the basement, and my mother is going to be here in ten days."

"Can we build a guest room in ten days?"

"I think so. If we use the far wall with all the windows as one side and just build one straight wall across maybe fifteen or so feet out, it would be a good space; enough for a bed and a little sitting area, like a studio apartment. It would be a bit unfinished for her first visit, but we could fill in the details over time, maybe even put a bathroom down there."

"Sounds fun," Emily replied. And strangely, it did. She'd never really ever so much as picked up a hammer to do more than put small nails in the wall to hang pictures, but she could learn.

* * *

The sun continued to shine brightly and the snow was melting all around the school grounds when they went to pick up Devon. It was early in January, so winter had barely started, but the warmer air felt like a reprieve. They walked down the path that lead to the middle school classrooms first. Maddie had basketball practice after school, but her last period actually ended ten minutes before Devon was done for the day and they wanted to check in with her.

Maddie spotted them immediately when she emerged from the building, backpack on and gym bag slung over her shoulder. She smiled and ran down the path towards them. "It was great!" she said exuberantly. "All the kids were so nice. I sat with a lot of the basketball team at lunch, but some kids in fifth grade, too. My classes were interesting. I have so much homework, but that's okay. None of it is boring. I checked in with Devon on my break, and guess what? Declan was already there, checking on him, too. He likes his teachers and his classroom."

Emily felt that lump in her throat again. Maddie was radiantly happy. Emily reached out to place her hand on Maddie's cheek. "I'm so glad you had a great first day."

Just then, another young girl approached Maddie. She smiled at Emily and Derek and then looked at Maddie, a slip of paper in her hand. "My email address. If you want to facetime tonight and go over math homework or you have any questions, let me know."

Maddie smiled at her and took the piece of paper. "This is Ashley," she said to Emily and Derek. Then she paused for just a second, looking first at Derek, and then meeting Emily's eyes. "Ashley, this is my mom and dad."

Forget a lump in her throat, Emily literally thought she was going to fall to her knees right there on the dripping wet pavement. She felt Derek's hand land on her lower back to steady her. "It's nice to meet you, Ashley," he said. Emily could only nod and manage a faint smile.

Ashley nodded at both of them. "Nice to meet you, too. I'm sorry, but I need to go. I have science club. See you tomorrow Maddie! Or tonight on the computer."

Maddie, ever perceptive but clearly not knowing quite what to say, looked at Emily. She stepped forward and gave her a quick hug. "I have to get to basketball practice. I'll see you in a couple of hours?"

Emily took a deep breath, and gave her a squeeze and a smile. "Five o'clock. One of us will be here."

Maddie sprinted away from them and they turned towards Devon's building. "You okay there, Em?" Derek asked quietly.

The noise the came from her mouth was somewhere between a laugh and sob. "She probably just said that so it wasn't weird with her new friend."

Derek reached out and grabbed her hand. "Maybe, but I have a feeling that pretty soon she'll be saying it because it's what she really feels."

Emily reached up and batted an involuntary tear from her cheek. "You're always asking me how I feel. How do you feel?" she asked.

Derek squeezed her hand. "Well, my ass-kicking Emily with the heart of gold, I keep thinking I'm going to wake up and this is all going to be one big dream, but it's not. It's real. I feel like I'm on the right path for the first time in my life, and I'm more in love than I ever thought it was humanly possible to feel."

They were right by Devon's classroom, and Emily stopped walking to look at him. She blinked quickly to hold the tears at bay because there were tons of parents around, and she made that noise again that was part sob and part laugh. "Me too. Exactly."

The door to Devon's classroom opened and he was one of the first kids out the door. He ran towards them and jumped up when Derek bent down to gather him in his arms. Devon had a smile on his face. "I like it here," he said softly but clearly.

Emily glanced over at the classroom door where Ms. Clarke was standing giving her a thumbs up sign.

* * *

Maddie's first basketball game took place the first Friday afternoon she was at the school. She only had six practices under her belt, she was the youngest one on the team, and neither Derek nor Emily were sure how much playing time she'd see. Maddie hadn't said much about it and they hadn't pressed.

They gathered Devon after school and headed over to the gym, intending to cheer the team on. Devon was incredibly excited and stuttering like mad; he was looking forward to the game and the planned visit with his baby sister, which was scheduled for the following morning.

The gym was pretty crowded, but given the fact that about half the middle school student body lived at the school, this didn't surprise Emily. Declan found them immediately and sat on the bleachers near them. It wasn't long after that Derek nudged her ribs. "Em," he said. She looked at him and he nodded his head towards the entrance. Emily looked and saw something entirely unexpected. Penelope, Rossi, Reid and JJ, holding Henry's hand, entered the gym and came towards them.

"What are you doing here?" Emily incredulously asked, her question directed at JJ.

JJ shrugged and smiled. "Hotch said Derek told him it was about time we all got a life and there was someplace much better to be this afternoon."

"Is he coming?" asked Derek.

JJ nodded. "He went to pick up Jack. He'll be here in about fifteen minutes. He said pizza was on him after the game."

Both Derek and Emily laughed unbelievably and made room for them on the bleachers.

Maddie was as surprised as Emily and Derek when she caught sight of the team on the bleachers. As the warm-ups ended and the start of the game grew near, after Hotch arrived with Jack and squeezed onto the bleachers with them, Emily focused her attention on Maddie's jersey. They were getting ready to announce the starting line-ups and Emily had now watched enough basketball to know that the fact that Maddie was one of the five players still sitting while the others stood meant she was starting the game. Maddie caught her eye and winked, like she'd known this in advance but wanted to surprise Emily and Derek.

The first couple of minutes of the game were shaky for Maddie. She turned the ball over and made an errant pass. Emily felt like her heart was going to spill out of her chest and she was nervously shaking her legs.

"She'll settle down," Derek said quietly.

And settle down she did. Three minutes into the first half, Maddie sank a three point shot, and after that she was right back to the little girl Emily had seen on that old video that she'd found on the internet. Maddie made one great pass after the other, nailed her shots and seemed to steal the ball from the other team at will.

With four minutes to go in the second half and her team up by twenty points, Maddie left the game to a standing ovation. It was like nothing Emily had ever seen or participated in before, even on the periphery. Though she knew it was ridiculous, she wanted to stand up and shout, "She's mine!" Because there was a little part of her that still really couldn't believe it, and only a handful of people in that gym knew the monumental hurdles she and Maddie had both overcome to get to that point.

And then that evening, after the game, when Hotch was providing them all with the promised pizza and Will had joined them at the restaurant, Devon rested his weary head on Emily's shoulder and whispered, "I'm tired, Mommy."

She wasn't sure her ears were her own, or that she'd actually heard it. It felt unreal and perfect at the same time. Derek was in the bathroom and didn't hear him say it that first time, but Maddie did. Maddie reached under the table and put her hand in Emily's, giving it a squeeze and smiling up at Emily's face like this life, with the four of them and Declan and their beautifully eccentric BAU family was exactly right.


	27. Chapter 27

Ella squawked and cried and screamed an ear-splitting scream, arching her back as much as her small body would allow her, to communicate her obvious discomfort.

Derek and Emily had arrived at Mrs. Murphy's group home to meet on neutral territory with Ella's foster parents, Lynn and Grant, in hopes of developing a bond that would allow them to easily keep Devon in Ella's life, and instead they watched Rose arrive with Ella on her own. "Lynn and Grant needed a break," she had said breathlessly while holding a screaming Ella in her infant carrier.

The disappointment was palpable for both him and Emily, though they tried to hide it. This wasn't about them in most ways; it was about the little boy they both now loved who was eyeing his baby sister with a mixture of concern and adoration. On the other hand, Ella was just about two months away from from her adoption date, and without any contact with her foster parents, they didn't know how they could build a relationship to keep Devon in easy contact with his sister.

Derek became solely focused on Devon at first, helping him hold his baby sister and watching the little boy's tears as they dripped down his cheeks when Ella couldn't get comfortable in his arms. "She doesn't like me," he cried. Then Derek became aware of Emily's helpless nerves reverberating beside him, seemingly not knowing what to do. He became aware of Maddie, holding onto Mrs. Murphy's hand and looking desperately at the situation.

Taking a deep breath, feeling like it was within his power to fix this, Derek gently grabbed hold of Ella and whispered to Devon, "Ella loves you; you're her big brother. Babies just sometimes cry. Let me try to calm her down first, Buddy."

He let go of every fear, every ounce of tension within him, even though it was difficult, and let instinct take over. He rested Ella on her stomach over his expansive chest, rubbing her back and soothing her with quiet shushes and relaxed breathing.

Miraculously, after a couple of minutes of continued crying, Ella settled down. Her infantile frame relaxed against Derek's chest, and her screams tapered off to shuddering gasps. Devon crept closer to Derek on the couch, wiped his eyes on the sleeve of his sweatshirt and reached his hand out tentatively to touch his sister's back. When she didn't start crying at that touch, the little boy became bolder, stroking her back and whispering, "I'm here, Ella."

And then, "Daddy, you did it. She stopped crying."

Devon had said, "Goodnight, Daddy," the night before, but this was only the second time he'd uttered the title, switching back to calling him Derek just that morning.

Derek touched Devon's face and smiled at him, and then slowly moved his head to look at Emily; they were mirror images of barely contained tears. Their very new lives were such a strange combination of easy fluidity and wild emotions and this was a prime example: Devon with his head against Derek's shoulder and his hand on Ella's back, Emily with her hand on Derek's leg, gripping it for dear life, Maddie watching on with a reassuring smile on her face, and a little baby relaxed, finally, against his chest.

Devon distracted them all from their individual emotions when he started talking with few stutters, "Ella, I go to a new school now. I have two teachers. Ms. Clarke is my favorite. She's so nice. There's a bunny in my classroom. His name is Felix, and he's so nice and soft. I have a new house and my own room and lots of food. Derek and Emily are my knew Daddy and Mommy. And Maddie lives with us, too. We laugh everyday and I get lots of hugs."

Derek took a deep breath and tried to keep calm. Maddie, stepped forward and put her hand next to Devon's on Ella's back. "That's right. We laugh everyday, and you're going to have a life like that, too, Ella."

Derek wasn't quite sure what type of picture they presented to Mrs. Murphy and Rose. Maddie shifted to the side and settled on Emily's lap, her hand still on Ella's back, and Devon was pressed against his other side looking at his sister, and both he and Emily were blinking back tears while Mrs. Murphy and Rose looked on. Devon was oblivious to it all, his eyes only for his sister that he'd probably, in ways either great or small, helped bring into this world, even though he wouldn't talk about it.

* * *

That night was like nothing they'd ever experienced with Devon. His nightmares were fierce, emotional and frequent. They started about an hour after he went to bed and Emily or Derek would just get him calmed down and back to sleep and creep away when it felt like they started all over again.

Finally, at around one in the morning, Derek picked Devon up and carried him to their bed. Emily looked at Derek with slight apprehension when he laid Devon in the middle of the bed. He smiled at her, "Didn't you ever crawl into bed with your parents?" he asked in a whisper.

Emily instinctively settled an arm around Devon's sleeping body, snuggling close to him. "The only time I remember sleeping next to my mother was when I was forty years old and I'd just come back from the dead," she whispered to Derek. And then she paused when a memory surfaced for her. "Mina. She was my nanny when we lived in Afghanistan. I was almost five years old. I crawled into bed with her sometimes when I was scared."

Derek reached over Devon's small body and stroked Emily's hair away from her face. "I crawled into bed with my parents many times when I was little and scared and I turned out okay. We all need sleep, Em."

Emily nodded.

It worked; they all slept soundly the rest of the night, but Emily woke up with her pants wet, laying in a puddle of Devon's urine. It was the first time he'd wet the bed since he'd been with them.

Things didn't improve quickly after that night. On the third morning of washing sheets after a night interrupted by Devon's nightmares that he couldn't remember or wouldn't talk about the next day, Emily guiltily wondered if a relationship with his baby sister would be worth the obvious uphill battle. She banished that thought as quickly as it came. Devon had woken up every morning after his visit with Ella asking when he could see her again, despite his nightmares. Devon wanted to see his sister, so Devon would see his sister, and that was that. They would deal with the aftermath.

Emily tried to remain focused on the positive: Devon was doing well at school, he was making friends, he was comfortable there. He wasn't hoarding food. He was calling them both Mommy and Daddy more often than not now, which still sent Emily's heart fluttering in joy. That was what was important.

Despite being concerned about Devon, Maddie shined in her second basketball game just as much as her first. She grew closer to both Emily and Derek, but she was less obvious about it than Devon was; there were subtle things, though - more hugs, less pondering and analyzing of new situations, more frequent and easier smiles, and trust that she and Devon were staying put. The look of trust grew more plain on her face each morning when she knew it had been a rough night with Devon, and Emily and Derek were still there loving him, reassuring him and acting like always.

In the middle of all that, Emily worked alongside Derek to build a guest room in the basement, which was therapeutic in its own strange way, just like Derek described it to her so very many years before on the jet on a way home from a case.

They kept in regular contact with Rose, who suggested that a steady, reliable contact agreement between Devon and Ella would be the best thing in this situation.

"There's one in place," she told them over the phone, "But since Devon didn't have a placement, it was my responsibility to make sure he saw Ella. Unfortunately, because of Lynn and Grant's schedules, my schedule and Devon's schooling, there wasn't a regular time that Devon could count on. I think that will help him."

Derek and Emily agreed. They asked Rose to suggest a visitation schedule with twice-monthly visits to Lynn and Grant, and told Rose they were open weekend mornings or any weekday afternoon.

And then they got the frustrating run-around from Ella's foster parents, which Rose was trying to mediate. They waited. They waited to tell Devon that he'd see his sister every other week, to be able to mark the days on the calendar so he had something tangible and visible to count on.

Finally, Rose called them and told them that she would be bringing Ella to them every other Tuesday afternoon, beginning the following week. There was something about her voice that seemed off. She sounded exasperated, frustrated and a little uncertain.

"Is there a problem?" asked Emily.

"No," said Rose. Too quickly. But she didn't offer up any more information.

"You don't have to drive all the way here. I know you're busy and that's a long drive in afternoon and evening traffic, especially with a crying baby. We can bring Devon to Baltimore, to Mrs. Murphy's instead."

Rose paused. "That would be helpful. Thank you," she said sincerely.

"What happens if Ella's parents won't continue with the visitation plan after they adopt her?"

Rose sighed on the phone. "It would be better and safer to get Lynn and Grant to come around before the adoption date. We make a concerted effort to keep siblings together, but Devon and Ella were difficult to place together given the fact that they both had so many issues at the beginning. When sibling placement isn't an option, contact agreements and visitation are the rights of the siblings, not up to the foster parents, even post-adoption. They are a condition and expected. Ella's parents would have to prove that it's detrimental to Ella to visit with her brother, and I would have to agree that it was in Ella's best interest to not see Devon, as would my supervisor. And that's not going to happen, Emily."

Rose sounded determined and absolute in her statement, and Emily realized that the problem here was not them, it was not Ella and it was not Devon. It was Ella's parents, Lynn and Grant.

"Why don't they want Ella to see Devon?"

"I can't reveal our conversation but let's just say that Devon remembers his homelife and Ella doesn't."

_Ah,_ thought Emily. _They didn't want Ella to have any connection to her homelife, any reminder of it, or any information about how she came into the world. They wanted to erase her difficult start in life and the reality of where she came from. Newsflash, Lynn and Grant: hiding from your past doesn't end well in the long run. _

"Don't worry, Emily. We'll work this out."

Emily was rather infuriated with Ella's parents, but trusted Rose. Then she thought about Ella and Tuesday afternoon visits and wondered how the hell she was going to be able to calm that little baby down so Devon could visit with her after Derek returned to work.

Still, when Emily and Derek showed Devon the calendar in his bedroom, with the assigned Tuesdays circled and presented him with a pen to mark the days between visits off if he wanted, Devon gave them a genuine, huge smile for the first time in several days. He still had a nightmare that night, but it was only one, and he managed to stay in his room. He woke up to a dry bed.

* * *

Fran Morgan arrived just in time, at least that's how Emily saw it when she looked back on it. Things were better with Devon, but after their unexpectedly smooth start together, the past six days since the visit with Ella had set everyone's nerves and emotions a bit on edge.

And Fran was what they all needed.

She was a whirlwind of energy with a never ending smile who treated their partially finished basement room like it was a grand palace, who treated Devon and Maddie with unconditional love pouring out of her with every breath and word, and who acted like Emily had always been part of Derek's life and family.

At first it felt to Emily like this must all be, at least in some ways, an act; that no person could feel that much obvious and immediate love for children she'd never met and weren't related to her by blood, or that much love for Emily, who Fran had only ever had one conversation with under horrible circumstances. But it didn't take long to realize it wasn't an act at all. Fran Morgan loved her son, and therefore, she loved completely and totally, with ease and warmth, whomever her son loved. It was that simple.

Emily was envious of the simplicity with which Fran Morgan loved. But when she mentioned that to Derek, he looked at her like she had three heads, and then he laughed quietly and wrapped her in a hug. "You are a piece of work, Emily Prentiss."

"What do you mean?" she asked, confused.

"I understand it might be hard for you to see it in yourself after years convincing yourself that being a parent wasn't for you, but you have nothing to be envious of. Ever since we brought Maddie and Devon home, you remind me of my mother every day."

As far as compliments went, it was the best one Emily had ever received in her life. Maybe the problem was that she'd never been that open with affection, never considered herself particularly warm or maternal, so the fact that she was able to be all those things was escaping her even while she was actually living it.

Fran Morgan brought gifts with her: For Devon, a dreamcatcher that Derek had made at summer camp when he was eight years old and she'd held onto all these years, something to help Devon catch at least some of his bad dreams. For Maddie, a necklace that had belonged to Fran when she was little girl.

And for Emily, the intangible gift of realizing if she was in any way similar to Fran, she was a different and more loving person than she always convinced herself she was; she was a mother, and a good one.

The first few days Fran was with them, the nightmares for Devon ceased and easy laughter filled their home again. Devon called her, "Nana," but Maddie called her "Fran." However, much like Maddie still called them "Emily" and "Derek" at home but introduced them as her parents at school, she introduced Fran as her grandmother when Fran went with them to pick up the kids at school.

On the Tuesday afternoon they were first scheduled to meet Rose and Ella at Mrs. Murphy's group home, Maddie stayed at school for basketball practice, but Fran came along. Being faced with a screaming Ella fazed Fran about as much as anything else, which was not at all.

"My nephew didn't like his car seat when he was a baby. It seemed to take him a long time to get comfortable after he was taken out of it, but I discovered this trick. Let's see if it works for your sister, Devon."

With that Fran took Ella from her seat, laid Ella's chest against her forearm, and turned the baby onto her stomach, supporting her face and neck with her kind, gentle hand. Fran's head bent forward and with a slight bounce of her arm, she pressed her lips to Ella's head and made a shushing noise, rubbing Ella's back with her free hand.

Ella quieted immediately and Devon looked at Fran like she was part magician and part superhero, which Emily was starting to believe she was.

"Say what you want about me being like your mom, I could never do that," Emily whispered very softly to Derek.

He put his arm around her and whispered back, "I bet you could."

Maybe she could, but she had huge doubts. She was distracted from her thoughts when she watched Fran encourage Devon onto her lap and then, keeping Ella in the same position on her arm, she rested the side of her little body against Devon's torso, her head facing Devon, and Devon was able to wrap both of his arms gently around and over his sister's body.

Devon grinned and it was quiet enough to hear a pin drop, quiet enough to hear Fran's soft whisper, "What did you call her before she got the name Ella?"

Emily, Derek and even Rose watched on, expecting Fran to be ignored much like they were whenever they asked Devon a question about his nightmares or his life before he came to Mrs. Murphy's.

From the other side of the room, Emily could see Devon's chest rising and falling a little faster, and then he turned his head back to look at Fran's face. "I just called her Baby."

Fran kissed his cheek, like Devon sharing that tidbit was just conversation instead of something as huge as it was. "We didn't know what to name Derek at first. He was just Baby Morgan for two days."

Devon nodded, looked back at Ella and lifted one hand to touch her cheek gently. "I...I...I was supposed to stay in the closet. It was just Spiderman time and I thought Mama had a big boo-boo and she kept screaming. I asked her if she was okay and she yelled at me to get in the closet and stay there." Devon paused and lowered his voice to a barely audible whisper. "But I peeked."

Emily felt shocked that he was actually talking about this, and her legs felt stuck in place, but she unlocked them and went to sit next to Devon on the couch, Derek following her and sitting down on the other side of her. Devon's eyes tracked hers. His words came out in a rush, faster than Emily had ever heard him talk, too fast for stuttering, and more articulate than he'd ever been. "Mama screamed and screamed and then there was no more screaming. So I got out to see. Mama was asleep and so was the baby. There was a lot of blood, and the baby looked cold. Her lips were like when it was too cold outside. Blue. But it was hot so I didn't know why. I rubbed her to try and warm her up and she felt wet. She started crying and Mama moved so I ran back to the closet."

In an effort not to cry, Emily channeled her emotions into a death grip on Derek's leg and smiled softly at Devon. Inadvertently, because he was an innate and deeply caring boy despite his circumstances, it sounded it like he had saved Ella's life by rubbing her skin until she took that first breath. It also sounded like Alicia, when she was home, was talking to her son even if she wasn't feeding him regularly, because his ability to describe this horrifying scenario didn't come from a house full of silence.

"You were very brave, Devon," Emily said softly.

He nodded again and turned back to looking at Ella. "It was a long time in the closet. The baby was crying and Mama was crying and yelling at the baby. I was scared, but I got out of the closet and said I could help. She put me back in the closet and gave me the baby. She said to stay there until she came back with food. But she didn't come. The baby cried and it scared me, but then she stopped sometimes. It was so hot but her lips were like she was cold, so I had to shake her just a little so I didn't hurt her and rub her chest and tummy, and then she would cry again, and then Rose and the police man came instead of Mama. It was dark then."

Devon's little body slumped, one hand still held on Ella, his back against Fran, his head leaning against Emily. And he started sobbing.

Emily could piece together this story. Spiderman time...that was seven-thirty in the morning she knew from the weeks Devon had lived with them, and Alicia was already screaming in labor pains. Rose and the police officers didn't show up until around three o'clock the next morning.

And somewhere in there, Devon had saved his baby sister's life several times even though he didn't know it, coaxing her back to breathing and crying whenever he saw her lips turn blue.

Something deep rumbled inside Emily, an almost animalistic protectiveness she'd never felt before, not even with Declan. She could feel Derek's arm around her back, reaching around her and rubbing Devon's head, and she could feel her own arms around her little boy. Fran's body was close.

Emily raised her eyes to look at Rose. She didn't speak out loud, but she hoped her eyes conveyed the message: _If Lynn and Grant think they're going to keep Devon from seeing his sister, they'd better be prepared for the fight of their lives._

She must have been clear with just her look, because Rose, with moist eyes and firm lips, nodded once at her like she understood.

* * *

Fran left them at the stroke of midnight.

Not really, but that's how Emily thought about it six days later, when Fran's ten-day visit ended. She'd swooped in like a fairy godmother, bestowing love and wisdom and strength at a time when they needed it. She left them with a multitude of pictures, of funny stories about Derek when he was young, and with seven new dinner recipes Emily felt confident she could cook.

She left them with Devon, who was now talking in therapy and seemed to have left nightmares behind, at least for the time being. She left them with Maddie calling her Nana.

And, like a treasure she never believed she had within her to uncover, Fran left Emily with the feeling of the unconditional love of a mother she'd searched for her entire life.

Fran left on a Sunday, and the following Monday, Derek headed back to work, not to travel just yet, but to be there. He was home every night for dinner and their family continued to grow. He was there for the next visit with Ella, and he calmly held that baby and Devon in his strong arms while Rose looked on.

Emily's boxes from London arrived and they all helped fit her things into the house. And then the switch happened: JJ went out on maternity leave and Derek started traveling with the team again.

The next couple of weeks passed, and they continued to blossom as a family. Emily spent her days with household chores, sometimes looking casually at job opportunities, and long, slow walks with JJ almost every day; three weeks before her due date, JJ was far larger than she'd been with Henry and seemed to be determined to walk until she went into labor. This left the two of them with hours to regrow a friendship that had been separated by heartache, circumstance and a huge ocean.

Emily's favorite times of the day were helping Maddie with homework in the evenings and reading Devon a story before bed. The kids learned more about them both during those weeks; they were curious about Derek's work, but they were more fascinated with Emily's childhood spent in different countries and the number of languages she could speak fluently.

The BAU was different; Hotch took Derek's words to heart at New Year's Eve. Derek was gone two nights a week, sometimes three, but that was always it for the week. There were no more back-to-back cases. And no one higher up said anything since they'd hardly have a leg to stand on.

Like the ever-present, caring, patriarch he was, Hotch shielded the team from the responsibility of having to tell people that they weren't available. He took that on himself. As difficult as that must have been, Derek often came home from work saying things like, "Hotch smiled four times today."

Whatever joy and contentment she was feeling with her life, it was only bolstered when she watched Derek with the kids. There was some ridiculous little person inside her that wanted to shout in a childish voice, "He wanted this so much, and I did it!"

But, like everything else with Derek, he seemed completely understanding and not hurt at all about her inability to articulate many words from the heart out loud; he knew she felt them and they got stuck somewhere in her throat. In fact, there were many nights when she wanted to say things and he seemed to sense it, touching her neck with rapt delicacy and absorbing through his fingertips all of the words in her heart she felt, then reflecting them back to her with his eyes.

And then there was Maddie, Emily's flesh and blood, the unbelievably steady, solid force in their household. Derek's nickname for her, Magnificent Maddie, was pretty much right on.

Emily's favorite memory of that first January, after Fran had left, was sitting on Maddie's bed one night, Devon asleep and Derek off on a case, giving each other pedicures.

"I've never done this before," Maddie had said as Emily painted her nails.

Emily had smiled lovingly and said, "I have, but at a salon. Not like this, though. This is better."

"I like having memories that are just you and me," Maddie had replied.

And that was just her. There was no hiding with Madeleine. If she loved something, you would know it, and if she didn't like it, you would know it, too. She was the unfettered version of Emily, yet Maddie had so much that could have dragged her down. Maddie was all honesty, all of the time, like the best part of Emily she'd sometimes kept hidden because she was afraid.

Then the inevitable happened. A roadblock or a blip, or perhaps a carefully paved path, exactly what should have happened, the thing that they were all just waiting for even though no one said it out loud. But it happened with a twist of fate; a cosmic twist of the universe that caused Emily to have to make hard decisions, and make them quickly.

Emily was sitting in the waiting room at the dentist's office while Maddie was having her teeth cleaned on a Tuesday morning. Derek had left the night before, on a case in Hawaii of all places. Emily tilted her head back on the seat in the waiting room and imagined what a case in Hawaii might feel like in the middle of all of their East Coast February cold. When that vision ended, she started thinking about Maddie's basketball stats, about how their team was undefeated, about the playoffs coming up in two weeks.

She was actively trying to think about anything and everything that would keep her relaxed so she wouldn't obsess and get overly nervous about having to manage Devon's visit with Ella that afternoon without the strength and comfort of Derek or Fran.

When her phone started vibrating and she saw it was Rose, her first, cowardly thought was, _Maybe Rose needs to reschedule this week. _

Everything after Emily's "Hello?" on the phone happened in quick succession.

Rose said, "Lynn and Grant want to relinquish Ella," at the same moment Maddie walked out of the exam room.

Emily's thoughts were a dizzying vision, like an 8mm film on overdrive. A tick, tick, tick so fast she could barely keep track of the images. _The moment Maddie slipped out of her body in a mixture of excruciating pain, relief and devastating sadness. Signing someone else's name on a hospital form and giving Maddie away as an infant for someone else to raise, thinking there was no way her daughter would be able to find her when she was older, even if she wanted to, because Carla Englen didn't exist. The sheer, all-encompassing gratitude she felt for JJ for altering that outcome. Maddie worrying about her and Derek having a baby. Derek with his arms around Ella and Devon, a look of peace and happiness on his face. And Ella herself, the little baby she'd barely touched because she was frightened by her ten pounds of delicacy, both physically and emotionally. _

Emily was aware of the tears in her eyes, of Maddie's bright smile, with her freshly cleaned teeth, and raised eyebrows with eyes just like her own, staring right into Emily's soul.

"Let me call you right back," she whispered to Rose.


	28. Chapter 28

"No cavities! Would you like to set up her next check-up for six months from now today?"

Emily glanced away from Maddie's curious eyes and put her phone in her purse. She stood and smiled at the receptionist. "No, thank you. We're in the process of switching her insurance."

And they were. Derek went to work with the paperwork just the day before so they could put Maddie and Devon on his insurance and they could stop making the trek to Maryland for the state health care provided to foster children.

Emily's head and heart felt like they were going to burst. Rose had just uttered a life altering sentence to her on the phone barely a minute before, Maddie was staring at her like she knew something was up, Derek was in Hawaii, where it was still the middle of the night, and she was casually talking about health insurance to a very cheerful receptionist at a dentist office in Maryland.

Maddie stayed quiet on their walk to the car, but when they started driving, she narrowed her eyes on Emily. "What's going on?"

Emily was torn and she went back to that place where she had to actively control her trembling; her nerves felt like they were on fire. This was her decision to make with Derek. Yet, she felt Maddie should be informed and be allowed to voice her opinion even if the decision didn't fall on her shoulders. Besides that, whatever they chose, Maddie would eventually know. "Ella's foster parents have relinquished her," she said neutrally.

Silence reigned in the car for several long seconds. "Oh," said Maddie quietly. "Because they didn't want her to see Devon? I heard you and Derek talking."

Emily nodded. "Yes, I think that's part of it. I don't know the whole story yet."

"It seems like if you're a foster parent and you say you want to adopt a kid, you shouldn't just get to hand a kid back and change your mind. Where are your parents?"

Emily blinked, surprised by the question and not quite sure where Maddie was going in her mind. "My dad died many years ago. My mom actually lives pretty close to our house, but she...is a difficult person. She's not like Fran."

"Does she know about me?" asked Maddie.

She chose her response carefully. "She does, you and Devon. The news about you surprised her and I think it's going to take her some time to get used to the idea." Emily sighed. Explaining Elizabeth Prentiss to anyone was hard, explaining her to Maddie was near impossible. "She has a hard time being warm and open to new ideas, that's all," was what she finally settled on.

Emily braced herself for further questions about her mom, all the while watching the mile markers on the road in the blissfully light traffic, counting the minutes until she could drop Maddie at school and call Rose back.

"I was asking about your mom because I want to know what happens to me and Devon if something happened to you and Derek. I didn't know if she was sick like my grandma was when my parents died."

Emily didn't say, "Nothing's going to happen to us," even though that was her gut reaction. Maddie knew too well that horrible, random accidents could happen. She reached her hand out and held onto Maddie's. Smiling slightly, she said, "I think if something were to happen to me and Derek, Fran and Penelope would probably fight over who got to take both of you."

Maddie smiled slightly back, but then shook her head. "My parents had friends, too. Some of them came to visit me when I was in the hospital after the accident. But no one volunteered to take me."

Tears filled Emily's eyes and she let them fall instead of blinking them back. Her poor daughter had lived with so much rejection and confusion and sadness the past couple of years. "I promise you, Maddie, that Fran and our friends would not let you and Devon go back into the foster care system. I promise you."

She could feel Maddie staring at her and finally saw the little girl nod out of the corner of her eye. "And you think that will still be true with Ella, too?"

_Ah,_ thought Emily. _The timing of this conversation suddenly makes perfect sense._ "Yes I think it would be true even if Ella comes to live with us. Once your adoptions are finalized, we'll write a will so you won't ever have to worry about this again."

Emily made the turn into the school's parking lot and pulled into a space. She turned to look at Maddie, whose eyes were wide. "What do you mean _if _you take Ella?" she asked surprised.

"I don't know the whole story yet, Maddie, and it's a big decision that Derek and I need to talk about."

Maddie narrowed her eyes, and shook her head. "Mom," she said.

Emily was suddenly transported back in time when she was in the ambulance after Doyle stabbed her and the EMTs were shocking her heart back into beating. Just that one simple word from Maddie, delivered suddenly and naturally for the first time, addressing her directly instead of introducing her to someone else, made Emily feel like her heart had just got hit with the paddles again.

"Mom," Maddie said again, this time smiling slightly at the word coming from her mouth. "You and Derek...Dad...have to take her. Devon and his sister need to be together. If anyone can get her to stop crying so much and be happy, it's you two and Nana and your friends. I know from personal experience."

Emily laughed lightly at that and squeezed Maddie's hand again. Maybe it was just that simple. Having Ella wouldn't be easy and it scared the ever loving crap out of her, but not taking her would be worse. Emily knew in that moment that she couldn't live with that idea, and she knew Derek would feel the same way.

"Let me talk to Rose, OK? And Derek. Don't say anything just yet to Devon if you see him at school today."

Maddie nodded. "OK." She took off her seat belt and moved her legs to kneel on her seat, reaching over the middle console to give Emily a hug. "I love you," she whispered in Emily's ear.

Emily laughed quietly in joy and squeezed Maddie to her. "I love you, too, Maddie the Magnificent."

Maddie kissed Emily's cheek and moved in her seat, opening her door and grabbing her backpack and gym bag from the back seat. "Besides, basketball season will be over soon and then I can be home in the afternoons more to help," she said lightly. "But no diapers. I had a change a diaper once in one of my temporary placements and it was disgusting!"

* * *

The trembling started again once Emily returned to the car after signing Maddie in at school. She dialed Rose.

"Emily," Rose sighed. In the background she could hear the unmistakable sound of Ella's crying.

"I'm sorry. I had Maddie with me at the dentist when you called. Tell me what happened."

Emily listened. Lynn and Grant had first mentioned giving Ella up the previous week. It wasn't just about Ella seeing Devon; it was worse than that. Emily knew from talking to Derek that skin pigment biracial children was a matter of time and sunlight to produce melanin, the final skin tone taking up to two years to settle. Their December weather had been brutal, but January and much of February had been mild. Ella was getting older and was outside more, and her skin tone now nearly matched Derek's.

Though Rose didn't outright say that Lynn and Grant no longer wanted Ella because of that, she hinted around it enough to make Emily want to drive back to Baltimore and scream at them.

"You have her now?" Emily asked after a calming breath.

"Yes. As of about an hour ago. I have all of her things, except the crib. That was a family heirloom and they didn't want to give it up."

Emily shook her head in disgust towards the people who could so easily give up a baby because of fear, and probably prejudice, or at least a fear of prejudice. But they had to hang onto a crib for sentimental reasons. Assholes.

"Derek's in Hawaii on a case. It's only four o'clock in the morning there. I need to talk to him." Emily responded.

Rose hesitated on the phone. "I can try and get her an emergency placement for today and tonight."

Horrors filled Emily's head at those words, at the potential of some harm coming to that little baby, some emergency foster parent who couldn't handle all of the crying. This really wasn't a decision she felt would be any huge discussion between her and Derek; she knew what he would say.

"Don't do that yet, please. I can't just tell you to bring her to our house without talking to him, though. Give me fifteen minutes."

Emily disconnected the call and dialed Derek's number. He groggily answered on the second ring. "Em?"

Words stuck in her mouth at the sound of his voice. She laughed nervously and what came out was, "Did you turn in those insurance forms before you left for the case yesterday?"

"No," he said anxiously. "Why? Did something happen to one of the kids?"

"No," she said softly. "They're great. You just might want to hold off until you can add Ella's to the mix and take care of it all at once."

Silence greeted that sentence, and then Derek's thick, emotional voice responded. "Lynn and Grant gave her up?"

"Yes."

"Are...are you sure Emily?"

She hesitated. Was she sure? "I'm terrified, but I'm sure it's what we need to do," she said softly. She listened to Derek try to catch his breath, could tell he was crying. "Why are you crying?" she whispered.

"Because we're so happy and good now and I'm terrified, too. But I want her, Emily. I do."

"I love you. We can do this. Our ten year old assured me that that was the case," she said with a laugh.

Derek managed a small laugh over the line. "I love you, too. I'm on the next flight out. We're going to need help at first. I'll call my mom."

Emily called Rose back and told her to bring Ella to their house and Rose said she'd be there at noon. With butterflies pounding around in her stomach, Emily drove to a baby store and went to look at cribs. Somewhere between her debate between a white crib and a maple one, when she was thinking about where they were going to put Ella and she determined they could not make Maddie give up her room or share it, after she watched mother after mother walk around with babies, Emily's nerves got the best of her. Her slight trembling increased to full-blown shaking.

Staring at the cribs, she sank into one of the rocking chairs and pulled out her phone.

JJ answered with a sarcastic, but cheerful, "It figures that the very first and probably only time the team actually takes a case in Hawaii, I'm stuck home on maternity leave. I'm drowning my bitterness in a bowl of ice cream for breakfast. Want to join me?"

"Jayje," Emily managed to whisper.

"What's wrong?"

"We're taking Ella."

"Oh my God. When?"

"In about two hours."

"Holy shit, Emily. Why are you whispering?"

"Because I'm in the middle of some baby super store staring at cribs and sitting in a rocking chair and I'm scared to death."

"Emily, what store are you at?"

* * *

She was sure she was a sight in that baby store, immobilized in a rocking chair for well over thirty minutes, thinking about Ella. After she'd given birth to Maddie and went to the Ohio field office for about a year, she'd thrown herself into helping out the front office person there with her new baby. But that had been completely about desensitizing herself to all things concerning babies. She wasn't trying to bond, she wasn't trying to love, she was trying to numb her heart into feeling nothing when she was around infants. That feeling had remained, even when Henry was born. She could be happy for JJ and Will, she even held Henry a couple of times, but she was pleased that that numb part of her heart remained intact.

All she could think about now was that she was going to have to crack open that place inside her, and she was going to have to do it while Maddie watched her. She wouldn't back down from the decision to take Ella, but she hadn't contemplated that issue until the moment she saw the cribs.

She was startled from her thoughts when JJ's voice said, "You know, this is a hell of a way to steal my brand-new baby thunder."

Emily looked up and saw JJ standing there, one hand on her stomach that looked about ready to burst, and a kind smile on her face. She reached out her hand to Emily and tugged, pulling Emily to her feet. "Let's get you a crib, Em. I recommend this brand," JJ said, pointing to a crib.

"Why?"

"Because we sold Henry's old crib after Afghanistan, when I put a halt to any more talk about another baby, so we had to buy a new one this time around. We just put it together a couple weeks ago, and Will's going to meet us at your house on his lunch break to help put this one together for you and Derek."

Emily slowly turned her head to look at JJ. "He is?"

JJ smiled at the look of surprised on Emily's face. "Of course he is, Emily."

They left the store shortly after with a crib and mattress and a baby sling at JJ's urging. "That baby just needs to be held, and you're going to need your hands free with two other kids," she'd said.

Time seemed to speed up after that. Will showed up in his police uniform with a smile and a gentle squeeze on Emily's shoulder. He helped Emily carry the box containing the crib up to the master bedroom. "Just point me in the direction of the screw drivers," he said with a smile.

"Will…" Emily replied, wanting to thank him, wanting to apologize again, but he interrupted her.

"Emily, when JJ and I first started going to therapy last year, all I kept thinking about was how you saved my life. You did that for her and that was after whatever happened in Madrid. And I made the decision to let it go. I have a better understanding of what she was going through back then and I can't even imagine what you were going through. It's the past, though. This is the present. You're my friend, you have two beautiful children and a baby who's going to be here in about an hour. So let me get this crib put together, okay?"

It was delivered with such tenderness that Emily teared up. She nodded at him. "Okay."

Derek called and said he was getting on a seven o'clock flight out of Honolulu that arrived in LA at about four o'clock pm pacific time. There was one five-thirty flight that would put him at Dulles around two-o'clock in the morning local time, but it was full. Penelope was working on it, and he promised Emily that somehow he'd get on that plane. His mom was on her way to the airport in Chicago, trying to grab any standby flight she could get on.

Will finished putting together the crib and came downstairs. "Are you going to stay until Derek or Fran get here?" he asked JJ.

JJ nodded.

"Good. I'll take off early today and get Henry." He bent over and placed his head near JJ's stomach. "You stay put in there for today. Your mama's best friend needs her."

Emily grinned softly at that.

Rose arrived shortly after Will left, and Ella was actually sleeping in her little infant carrier. They unloaded her things from the car, put away bottles and enough formula to last for a couple of weeks. Ella came with a lot of gear including an infant swing that Rose said she seemed to like. Rose explained about Ella's seizure medication, and about how she was on a strict eating regime of every two to three hours around the clock since they were trying to get her to put on some weight.

"I'm starting to think my picker is broken. I've been doing this for nearly two decades, and I've had one difficult older child with attachment issues be relinquished by his pre-adoptive parents, but that's it. Now I have Maddie and Ella," she said.

Emily was staring at a sleeping Ella all snug in her seat. "But you also have us. We're both too stubborn to give up."

Rose laughed. "I was thinking on the way over here that maybe things are working out how they were supposed to."

* * *

Rose left to pick up Devon from school and bring him home. No sooner had the front door closed after Rose left did Ella wake up and start crying. Emily bent to undo the buckles on her car seat and lift her, trying to ignore her shaking legs and hammering heart.

She sat on the couch and tried to get herself calm while cradling Ella. JJ handed her a bottle. Emily must have looked petrified; she knew she felt that way. While Ella squirmed in her arms and cried and seemed to fight the bottle she clearly wanted, taking a gulping sip and then arching her back and screaming, Emily had a desperate feeling like she'd gotten in way over her head.

She saw JJ's hands before she felt Ella gently removed from her arms and take the bottle. She looked up at JJ's sympathetic face.

"Lose the shirt, Em," JJ said softly. "Just wear your tank top. Trust me.

Confused, Emily pulled her sweater up and over her head.

JJ nodded. "Now lean back a bit on the couch so you're slightly reclined."

When Emily moved, JJ stepped towards her again. "Take a deep breath and relax. Try and slow that racing heart of yours a bit."

Emily inhaled and exhaled a few times and tried to calm herself, and then she felt JJ place Ella on her body, her soft baby cheek resting against Emily's chest. JJ handed Emily the bottle. She had to move her arm to a slightly awkward angle, but she put the bottle in Ella's mouth and the crying and squirming stopped. JJ was rubbing Ella's back gently, but Emily moved her free hand to take over that task.

JJ smiled at her and sat down. "When I first went back to work, I was so stressed out trying to balance time with Henry and work that I was a bundle of nerves. Babies pick up on those things. He would fuss while I fed him. He wouldn't breastfeed anymore once he started talking the bottle, which made me sadder and even more stressed out. I finally started taking him to a darker room and feeding him just like that, and learned to relax my body and let everything else go. They like to feel your skin. And being upright a bit might help her be more comfortable while she drinks."

Emily barely heard JJ. All she could focus on was how Ella's body had relaxed against her, how her soft baby cheek felt as it pulled on the bottle and moved against Emily's skin, just over her heart, how her little fists were opening and closing against her chest, trying to find purchase and then finally latching on to bits of her tank top.

How she was holding Ella and Ella wasn't crying.

Something inside Emily broke open and the tears started. She didn't gasp or shudder when she cried, but the tears dripped silently down her face; what seemed like a river of them. She felt JJ's hand brushing them away and heard her whisper, "You deserve this chance Em, more than anyone. You're going to be fantastic."

* * *

Derek wasn't sure how Penelope had managed it, and wouldn't be surprised if she'd hacked the computer system and some poor schlep was wondering how the hell he no longer had a seat on a flight he booked, but when he got to LAX to inquire about a standby seat on the five-thirty flight to Dulles, he was told he was already on and the attendant printed him a boarding pass.

He called Emily before the flight took off and told her he was on his way. She assured him everything was fine, that JJ was there. His mom hadn't had the same luck getting on a flight in Chicago, he learned. She'd spent the day at the airport, one unsuccessful attempt at getting on a standby flight after another, but had finally secured a seat on an eight o'clock flight. JJ would pick her up from the airport.

Emily cried on the phone when she told him about that first bottle and again when she described Devon's reaction when he got home from school and found Ella there. How their little boy hadn't left Emily and Ella's side all day, how he kept asking if it was really true and if it was forever. How Maddie had calmly attempted to hold Ella when she got home from basketball practice, and Ella had laid in Maddie's arms staring at her without crying for several minutes. How Maddie had then helped JJ make dinner and that she seemed okay; she seemed happy. Ella was fussy, but nothing like Emily expected. She liked the sling JJ had suggested they get; she seemed to do best when she was right against Emily and upright. Derek had welled up on the phone and wished he could transport his body right into their home.

Never in his life had five and a half hours seemed so long. Sleep was entirely out of the question. His knees bounced, driving the passenger next to him absolutely nuts. But when he explained why he was so nervous and excited, the woman became completely understanding. She stayed awake and distracted him from his nervous energy by asking him about his family and looking at pictures on his phone, by talking about her own kids when they were infants.

It was the middle of the night when he landed and he got a taxi right away. The roads were empty and he arrived at his darkened home before three o'clock in the morning. He unlocked the door and discovered a soft light in the living room that was littered with a baby swing and bouncy seat, a blanket with baby toys on it.

He wanted to run up the stairs, but settled for quiet, slow steps so he didn't wake anyone up. What he saw when he walked into the master bedroom took his breath away. Emily, with her hair pulled back and Ella drinking from a bottle while she was comfortably nestled against Emily's chest, his mom asleep next to Emily on the bed.

Emily smiled at him when she saw him and he saw her eyes fill with tears in the dim light cast into the room from the hallway. "She didn't want to be all the way down in the basement in case I needed her," Emily whispered.

At the sound of Emily's voice, Fran woke up. She, too, smiled when she saw Derek and stood from the bed. With a gentle pat on Emily's hand, a light rub on Ella's head and a quick hug for Derek, she departed the room and descended the stairs.

Derek sat on the bed and scooted his body closer to Emily's, putting one arm around her and his hand on Ella's back. Emily turned her head and kissed him softly, then bent forward and kissed Ella lightly on her head. "Your daddy's here," she whispered.


	29. Chapter 29

_A/N - A much shorter, but sweet chapter. I couldn't tack on another section after this to steal the mojo. More to come! _

* * *

Derek put a load of laundry in the washing machine before turning to survey his mother's space. When he'd asked her how long she could stay, she'd responded with a wink and a smile, "A week or forever."

He needed to hire someone to come in and build her a bathroom because he didn't have time. The fact that his mother had to climb a flight of stairs to use a toilet and two flights to take a shower bothered him greatly. She might go back to Chicago at some point, but he imagined that even if she did, she'd be a regular, welcomed fixture in their home. Who needed respite care for Ella when they had Fran Morgan?

He climbed the stairs and thought about the people in construction he knew, people who could both build a nice bathroom and perhaps a kitchenette in the basement, and bust open the wall upstairs between their huge storage closet and Devon's equally huge walk-in closet to build Ella a slightly small, but comfortable bedroom. He came up with the names of three people he could call and hoped at least one of them needed winter work.

It was Ella's first Sunday with them, and the house was quiet because his mom had gone with Penelope to take Henry, Devon and Maddie to the Smithsonian for the day. He entered the living room and the view in front of him stopped all thoughts about construction. He leaned against the archway and breathed in the sight. Emily dozed slightly on the couch while Ella slept comfortably against her chest, Sammy curled up and snoring soundly on the floor right next to the couch.

He put his hands in his pockets and drifted off in thought.

_Once, when he was in middle school, sometime after his father died but before Carl Buford, he'd gone to the the Art Institute of Chicago on a field trip. He remembered looking at a painting; he couldn't remember the artist, but he remembered it was titled "In the Ocean." It was a picture of a mother and child, the mother's face the definition of contentment. He remembered thinking that his mother used to look like that, before his dad died. It had taken decades for the look to return to his mother's face._

_It had taken Emily two months, three children, his love, and the love of their friends and his mother to make what he'd never seen and never dreamed was possible to to appear on Emily's face. _

_That Emily was warm and empathetic was what had initially drawn him to her so many years before. That she could be outwardly affectionate and passionate was a guess that only intrigued him more and made him want to find out if it was true, and he was proven to be correct. But a softness enveloped her with Ella, a softness he'd never anticipated was under her calm, cool exterior. _

_The first few days Ella was there, he'd watched Emily visibly relax her body whenever she held Ella or fed her. First her shoulders would loosen up, and then the rest of her body would follow. A look of pure bliss and contentment ghosted over her face when Ella reacted positively to her embrace. She was never more stunningly beautiful to him than she was in those moments, hair loosely held back, wearing faded blue jeans, and a tank top that was more often than not speckled with spit up. _

_Perhaps it was just that he'd resigned himself to the fact that he would never see her like that with an infant, but he didn't think that was it. She glowed in those moments, and softness radiated around her, so much so that he often just wanted to lay her down, to bury his head against her chest himself, to cry and to thank her for taking this risk, for finding something inside herself she didn't think she had, for sharing it with all of them. _

_The morning before, on Ella's first Saturday with them, when Derek was home and Henry was over playing with Devon, JJ's water had broke in a flood on their kitchen floor. Emily had passed Ella off to him, hugged the kids goodbye and drove JJ to the hospital to meet Will. _

_She'd never intended to stay, but had done so at JJ's urging and Will's agreement. Emily was right there in the delivery room when Grace Rosaline LaMontagne made her debut in the world. Emily held that baby within the first thirty minutes of her birth and, according to JJ, cried happy tears while she showered little Grace with kisses._

_"I really think she needed this," an exhausted JJ had whispered to him over the phone after Emily left the hospital and was driving home. _

_It was like the last piece of the puzzle came together for Emily in the moment Grace was born. She came home in the bleak pre-dawn hours on Sunday and didn't seem to need to visibly try and relax her body when she held Ella; Derek had watched her all morning and that soft, warm space was just a part of her now. The vicarious experience of being there when JJ had her baby, of watching a baby be born and lifted on her mother's chest instead of being whisked away into anonymity had help Emily make peace with that last broken fragment of her heart._

_Ella wasn't easy. Maddie and Devon weren't perfect. Ella cried far more than most babies her age, she had a hard time keeping her food down, and she was often uncomfortable, but Rose assured them that she was keeping more food down and crying far less than she was before. They took that as a victory and rolled with it, hopeful of continued improvement. _

_Fran and Emily tagged teamed while he was at work so that Devon and Maddie still got what they needed. Emily always made sure that she spent some individual time with each of them in the afternoons or evenings. Still, sometimes Maddie, despite her best effort to be calm and easy about everything, would get frustrated by all the crying in the house. And sometimes Devon would look desperate, like he wasn't quite loving his sister enough to make her tears stop. But by and large they accepted their lives, and acknowledged that despite the fact that Ella was fussy and all the adults needed a little more sleep, they were a happy, loving family and they'd all found their permanent home together. _

_He didn't know if it was a miracle or fate or destiny, but in the quiet of the night when it was his turn to feed Ella, with Emily's body right next to his, and knowing Maddie and Devon were just down the hall, he liked to think it was a combination of all three. _

Derek was drawn away from his thoughts when Emily opened her eyes. She smiled softly at him when she saw him standing there staring at her.

"Marry me," he whispered.

Emily glanced at the ring on her finger and smiled wider. "I thought it was already established that I would do just that."

"I know, but I mean soon. Like today, or tomorrow or anytime this week. Marry me. Just you and me and no one else, something for just us."

Emily's smile turned soft again and she stood from the couch, strapping Ella into her infant swing and turning it on, waiting a moment to make sure the baby kept sleeping before walking to stand in front of Derek.

"You know, Derek Morgan, we haven't even officially gone out on a first date," she whispered with a smirk while resting her hands on his chest.

He chuckled quietly. "That's what would make it perfect. In the middle of all this crazy, beautiful life that came at us from nowhere, our first date would be getting married."

She raised one perfectly sculpted eyebrow at him. "For real?"

He nodded hopefully.

"Your mother would never forgive us. Hell, everyone who knows us would kill us."

He put his arms around her and pulled her towards him. "We'll do it again. We'll have a ceremony with all the fanfare and have a big party this summer. They'll forgive us."

His heart was beating like a drum and he felt her arms squeeze him, her lips near his ear. She laughed, a joyful laugh that he never wanted to get used to; he always wanted it to seem like something he should value and pay attention to. Always.

"OK," she whispered.

It was his turn to laugh joyfully with his lips pressed against her neck. He didn't know where to put his hands, one arm staying banded around her waist while the other traveled up her back and his fingers buried themselves in her hair. Somewhere in those few seconds, his laughter turned to kisses, up her neck and finally to her mouth.

"I'm serious," he murmured against the impossible softness of her lips.

"I know. I'm in. Let's get married," she breathed back at him.

Derek's hands moved without thought, finding the edge of her shirt and pushing their way under it.

"I smell like spit up," she whispered as his lips found their way to her ear.

"No, you don't. You just smell like Emily," he whispered back.

"Ella's usually good for about fifteen minutes in that swing," Emily responded with a sigh, pushing on his body and trying to get him to move around the corner of the wall into the dining room.

They stripped each other of clothing in record speed. Their fall to the throw rug in the dining room was part accident and part planned; they both knew they needed to land somewhere, but hadn't picked a firm location in their minds. There was no time for preliminaries here, no time for foreplay or extended time when he would drive Emily over the edge over and over.

Still, they were like kids on a roller coaster, seeking out some personal excitement, trapped by limited time, enamored about the idea of secretly getting married, in love with the thrill of it all, knowing there were would be twists and turns ahead, but also knowing that at the end they'd be right there beside each other, possibly winded and overwhelmed, but together and ultimately okay.

His knees ached when the landed on the hardwood floor beneath a thin layer of carpeting. He tried to hide the discomfort. but Emily noticed. With a wink and a grin, she touched his cheek and used her legs to urge his body to roll over onto his back.

She was gorgeous above him as sunlight filtered into the room, a more relaxed and less conformed version of herself. There were no "colorful words" that time. They seemed in a gentle, emotional competition to see how many times they could tell the other, "I love you," and that was just fine. Perfect in the moment.

* * *

When she was seven, she lived in Moscow in a large apartment near the top floor of a building that was designated for political dignitaries. That was the year before her father left them, even though her parents never divorced, explaining it away that his work was in DC and her mother's work was all over the world, but he would visit.

Another seven year old girl named Genevieve lived in the apartment across from hers. The two of them spent hours together, most of the time sharing giggles about the crush they both had on a nine year old boy named Vladimir who lived in their building.

They imagined their perfect wedding together. They imagined Vladimir had a long, lost identical twin and they'd each marry one of them in a joint ceremony. They used bread or candy or whatever they had on hand as Communion to enact their very precise, very perfect Catholic wedding, since that was their only basis of comparison. They looked at magazines and drew pictures of their ridiculously extravagant wedding dresses that included decorations of diamonds and real gold.

Ironically, when she was a little girl and conspiring with Genevieve, she always said she would have three children, two girls and one boy.

That was probably the last time Emily ever gave any serious consideration to an actual wedding though, right up until that first Thursday in March, when she'd dressed like it was any other day, left to take Devon and Maddie to school and put Ella in Fran's care with the explanation that she needed to run a couple of errands.

She'd kissed her baby goodbye, then hugged both Maddie and Devon before leaving them at the school, then driven herself to the Fairfax county courthouse and met up with Derek.

She really couldn't believe they were doing this. At the same time, she totally could believe it. This wasn't the only wedding they would have; they'd do it all over again in the summer with everyone. But there was something deliciously exciting about having this private moment just between the two of them. Truth be told, they hadn't really had many of those: from the moment Derek landed in London, their lives had mostly been about Maddie, and then about Devon and then about Ella.

They were a picture, meeting on the courthouse steps in jeans and long sleeved t-shirts, their shared happiness far better than any diamond and gold-laden dress. They didn't have rings, they didn't have witnesses. The elderly couple who served as the court's witnesses that day were delightful, though.

When Derek stood facing Emily in front of the judge, he smiled and then laughed slightly, just as shocked as she was that they were standing there under an archway covered in fake ivy in a small, otherwise utilitarian room.

They never stopped smiling at each other. They repeated vows and said the most meaningful "I do"s Emily imagined ever coming from the mouth of two human beings. They shared a few tears, a passionate kiss and a hug.

She walked into the courthouse as Emily Prentiss, and walked out with the official paperwork that started her on the path of becoming Emily Prentiss Morgan. They sealed the deal over two cups of coffee and a heavy make-out session in the back of Emily's car that was parked on the top floor of the parking garage.

And all she kept thinking about after he left in his car to go to work, and as she drove home, was how his lips felt against her skin when he whispered in the valley of her collarbone, "I wish everyone in the world could know this kind of transcending love."

As far as first dates or weddings went, the whole thing redefined perfect in her mind.


	30. Chapter 30

_A/N - Well it's May. That time of year when every project ever that my kids have to do all crop up at once. I could have added more to this chapter, but it would have taken days. So I'll give you this bit now and work on the rest in between all the mayhem in my house. :) _

* * *

Maddie's basketball team blew threw the tournament-style first three games of the playoffs without a hitch. Derek had been on a case and missed the first game, but he was there for the next two, and he, along with most of the BAU, Declan, Fran, Rose, Will and Henry were there for the championship game on the second Saturday in March. Only JJ was missing, at home with Grace.

For all the previous games, Emily had left Ella home with Fran, but for this final game, they decided to risk it so Fran could be there, too. They put cotton balls in Ella's ears and covered them with medical tape, then put a hat over her head to block out most of the noise.

_So far, so good,_ Emily thought as Ella slept in her sling against Emily's chest while they watched the warm ups.

The months of basketball playing and practice had altered Maddie's shape slightly. There were more well-defined muscles in her upper arms and shoulders. She was still wiry, and would once again be the smallest and youngest person in the game, but she had her game face on out on the court, completely in her element.

Derek leaned towards Emily and whispered in her ear, "In case you're wondering, your husband is nervous."

She grinned. They did that frequently, whispering "husband" and "wife" to each other when they could, still reveling in their shared, wonderful secret. They would tell people at some point, but for the time being it was a nice thing to hold onto between the two of them. When it had been a rough day with Ella, and Emily was exhausted and her nerves were frayed, whispering something like, "Your wife could use a back rub," could change her mood on a dime.

It was something that was good for them, something that felt necessary. Most couples had a string of memories to hold onto that was just about the two of them before kids came into the picture. She and Derek had very few things before Maddie came along, followed by Devon and Ella, that weren't tainted with sadness or frustration or fear. But they had that stolen secret of a wedding ceremony. When their days were so full that a shower where she actually had enough time to shave her legs felt like a reprieve, and all of their energy was necessarily invested in two children and one beautiful, but challenging, baby, they could whisper "husband" or "wife" to each other and smile.

Emily's eyes glanced across the gym, looking at the excited crowd that was there cheering for the opposing team and taking in their signs, when she caught a figure standing in the doorway. She wore jeans and designer boots, and a Winston School sweater over a neatly pressed collared shirt. She must have bought the sweater in the lobby before coming into the gym. Her hair was nicely styled, but pulled back from her face. Her make-up was impeccable as it always was, and yet Emily had to blink about a dozen times to comprehend that she was looking at her mother.

"Oh my God," she mumbled.

"What?" asked Derek.

"My mother's here," she replied. On trembling legs she stood in the bleachers, one hand reaching out to automatically clutch Derek's while the other waved at her mother and motioned for her mom to come sit on the bench with them.

When her mom started moving towards them, Emily sat down again and squeezed Derek's hand.

"Take a deep breath, Em. She's here. She's probably just as nervous as you are," she heard Derek say.

Her mom was a mask of resolve and nerves when she made her way to the bleachers. Emily slid over closer to Derek so she had a space to sit. Derek must have motioned Devon over from where he was sitting next to Henry because suddenly he was there on Derek's lap.

Her mom nodded at the members of the team she recognized and verbally acknowledged Hotch. She turned to Derek and said, "It's nice to see you again, Derek." And then Elizabeth Prentiss moved her arm in front of Emily and stuck her hand out towards Devon. "Hi, Devon. I'm Emily's mom. Your grandmother."

Devon, nervous about this newcomer on the bleachers, managed to smile shyly and shake her hand. He gave a glance at Fran, who was sitting in the row behind them, like he couldn't quite comprehend the difference between Fran's immediate hugs and Elizabeth's more formal handshake. "It's n...n...nice to meet you," he managed to say to her with his winning smile.

Emily watched her mother actually melt into some strange creature Emily had never seen before - a soft, loving woman clad in denim. She grinned at Devon. She removed her hand from his and patted his cheek gently. "It's very nice to meet you, too."

Still obviously not quite sure about herself, she sat down next to Emily and looked at Ella's face where she peacefully slept against Emily. "This must be Ella," Elizabeth said softly.

"How…" Emily started to ask. How had her mom known about the game? How had she known about Ella? But her mom shook her head when Emily started speaking, reached into her purse and handing Emily a folded piece of paper.

Curious, Emily took it and uncreased it.

_Dear Mrs. Prentiss,_

_It feels weird calling you that, but I don't know what else to call you. I hope that this letter got to you. I found your address on the envelope of a letter you sent to Emily that was tucked in the back of one of her photo albums. My name is Maddie and I'm your granddaughter. Emily says that you haven't met us yet because you have a hard time with new ideas and situations. Believe me, I understand! _

_I thought maybe if we didn't seem so new to you, you could come meet us. I'd like to meet you and I think Emily would like that, too. _

_I'm in fifth grade at Winston School, which is very different than other schools I used to go to. I play basketball on the middle school team, even though no other fifth graders are on the team. I like to write and read and draw. I like to listen to stories Emily tells about when she was younger and lived all over the world. On the days I don't have basketball practice, I like to go for a run with Derek and Sammy, our dog. He was my dog from before, with my adoptive parents, but Emily and Derek's friend Penelope found him for me and he lives with us now. I like playing games with Devon, even though they are games for younger kids, because it makes him so happy. And I like Ella, who is Devon's baby sister. I guess she's my baby sister now, too. _

_Devon is so sweet! He just wants to be loved and to feel safe. He stutters sometimes, but not much with us anymore. But you should know when you meet him that he will probably stutter because he doesn't know you. He will probably want to play with you. Memory is his favorite game. He also likes to play fetch with Sammy in our backyard. _

_Ella hasn't been with us that long. Ella is Devon's baby sister, but she was with a different family before. She's with us now. Ella cries A LOT! But sometimes she smiles, and she cries a little less each day. Or maybe I'm just getting used to her. The best thing is when she sees you when she's not crying and grabs onto your finger. Her hands are so tiny. _

_My parents who adopted me when I was a baby died in a car accident when I was eight years old. The next two years were really hard, but then Emily came back because her friend JJ and Derek found me. I was scared when she first came to see me. And she was scared, too. But it's not scary anymore. _

_I'm thinking that maybe you're scared, too. If you just spent a little time with us, maybe you wouldn't be. My basketball team is in the playoffs now. Maybe you could come to a game and meet us? It's okay if you don't want to or you're not ready to. But I think Emily would really like it if you did. Derek's mom is staying in our house right now, and Emily seems very happy, but I think sometimes she might be missing you. _

_Love,_

_Maddie_

_PS - I call Emily and Derek "Mom" and "Dad" now, and I never thought I would do that. _

Emily brushed a few tears off her cheeks, even though she just wanted to fall completely apart and sob. She looked across the basketball court where Maddie was staring at her and smiling brighter than Emily had ever seen her smile.

She passed the letter to Derek and looked at her mom.

"She writes like you used to," Elizabeth said, "Back when you were nine or ten and your teachers would call me and tell me that I must have written your papers for you."

Emily sniffled and laughed. She remembered that.

A whistle blew to signal that it was time for the game to start, and Ella startled against her before settling back down again. Devon stood from Derek's lap and stepped carefully in front of Emily, moving to wiggle his body and make a space between Emily and Elizabeth on the bleachers.

He first looked at Elizabeth and then pointed at the court. "That's Maddie. She's g...good!"

Emily took in a deep breath and grinned. Derek put a hand on her thigh and leaned over to her ear again. "The Emily is strong in that one," he said while nodding his chin towards Maddie.

She turned her head to look at him and saw he was a mess of barely contained emotions just like she was. "She's unbelievable."

Derek leaned a little closer and whispered in her ear, "So are you, my wife."

* * *

Her mother didn't transform into a completely warm, relaxed being, but she really tried. She joined them for dinner out after the game and talked to Devon and Maddie equally. She asked questions about Ella, who had gone home with Fran because by the end of the game, Ella was done with noise and stimulation. She admired Maddie's championship basketball trophy and answered Devon's questions.

"_Mommy says she went on a camel ride once. Did you, too?" _

"_Mommy says that the hardest language for her to learn was Russian. What about you?" _

"_Mommy showed us pictures of all the places she's lived. She said Spain was her favorite. What about you?" _

Two days later, Elizabeth called Emily and informed her that if Emily and Derek thought it would be a good idea, and only if they wanted to, a Dr. Ethan Sinclair, who was one of the country's best pediatric neurologists, would be willing to see Ella the following day. Dr. Sinclair was the son of a retired senator who was on friendly terms with Elizabeth.

They jumped at the opportunity and called Rose, who met them at Johns Hopkins for Ella's appointment and exam. Two days later they returned for the results.

"After looking at her medical records, talking to you, seeing Ella, and looking at the results of her EKG and blood tests, I think you folks are chasing your tails," said Dr. Sinclair.

"What do you mean?" Emily asked Dr. Sinclair.

He leaned comfortably against his desk and put his hands in his pockets. "Ella was born drug exposed, premature and spent many hours not getting enough oxygen. I don't see any evidence of lasting damage from the lack of oxygen at this stage, which is excellent. I do see motor issues; even if we adjust her age to account for being born approximately six weeks early, that would make her approximately five and half months old. She has age-appropriate fine-motor skills but the muscle tone of a three to four month old in other ways. I think physical therapy would help with that, as would weight gain and getting more calories in her system. And that's what I mean by chasing your tails. She had seizures when she was in the hospital, which isn't uncommon with drug-exposed babies. They put her on Keppra. The seizures stopped." Ethan paused and looked at them, taking in their concerned faces and smiling slightly.

"Keppra can cause nausea, irritability, grogginess and fatigue. Ella, however, can't tell you that. If she'd been in my care from the beginning, I would have started weaning her off the Keppra about a month ago."

"But what if she has more seizures?" asked Derek.

"If she does, then we'll have to figure that out. But if she doesn't, and I'm hopeful of that, I think you might end up with an entirely different baby, one who keeps food down and is less irritable. And when she gains a few pounds, one who can sleep for longer stretches at night. I'll set you up with a seizure monitor for the crib. They used to be terrible things that set off a lot of false alarms and scared the heck out of parents, but the technology has improved greatly."

Emily looked down at Ella, who was sleeping in her arms after screaming through the entire drive to Baltimore. She tried to imagine a baby who cried less and felt better. She tried to imagine Ella smiling more often, because as it was, they were able to coax a smile out of her once or twice a day if they were lucky.

* * *

The old saying proved itself true: March came in like a lion and out like a lamb. Fran stayed with them, and Emily's mom visited for dinner once a week. By the time Ella was completely weaned off her seizure medicine, the three cherry trees in the backyard were blooming, and so was Ella, along with Maddie and Devon.

Maddie joined a running group for girls at the nearby recreation center and started getting to know the kids in the neighborhood. Devon started playing t-ball with Henry. And Ella stopped crying so much, stopped spitting up, and started gaining weight.

At first they were getting less sleep than they were before, worried about her having a seizure, but as the nights went by and the alarm didn't go off, they started to relax more. They got the green light to start feeding her solid food, and while Fran threw herself into making nutritious, homemade baby food, Emily approached Ella's physical therapy like a profiler, finding ways to make it fun while taking Ella through her exercises. The first step was strengthening her back and neck and getting her to roll over on her own.

It was the second week in April when Ella fully came out of her drug-induced lethargy and irritability. She'd gained four pounds since the initial appointment with Dr. Sinclair, her skin was more supple, her cheeks were rounder, and she'd started getting a little bit of a baby pudge.

JJ was over and feeding Grace on the couch, Fran was in the kitchen, and Emily was on the living room floor on her stomach facing Ella, who was also on her stomach and hating it. Emily was trying to distract her irritation by rolling a ball towards her. Ella flailed her arm and knocked the ball across the room on accident. Sammy stood up, retrieved the ball, and very slowly and gently walked towards Ella and dropped the ball right by her face. Then he laid down next to Emily and put his head in his paws, facing Ella.

And Ella laughed, a deep belly laugh that was shocking coming from such a tiny body. She stared at Sammy, her big brown eyes delighted and her loose cocoa colored curls framing her face, and laughed and pushed up on her arms like she was supposed to be doing. JJ started cracking up and Fran came in from the kitchen and joined in. Emily was a mixture of laughter and tears. She grabbed her phone, hit record and reached out to flick the ball across the room again.

Sammy stood up and went to retrieve it, repeating the whole process, and Ella laughed again. She laughed and rolled over onto her back, and then, wanting to see Sammy, she struggled and struggled, but finally turned, flipping onto her stomach, laughing again when she landed face to face with the dog.

Sammy gave a little light bark and his tongue hung from his mouth like he was laughing, too. Emily flicked the ball again and recorded and watched the whole thing play out through her phone - Ella rolling, Ella laughing, with JJ and Fran's laughter and sniffles in the background.

She sent the video to Derek. And then she sent it to her mom with a message of, "I love you. Thank you."

It was the first time in over a decade that she'd told her mother she loved her. Her mother would never be a Fran, with warm hugs and soft shoulder squeezes and reveling in three children on her lap, but Elizabeth Prentiss could still be there and involved in her own way.

Emily glanced at Sammy and Ella and realized that sometimes change comes from unexpected places. Maybe her mother needed the kind of love Emily had been feeling the past few months, and she decided to let the past go and just give it to her mother and accept what came back to her in whatever form.


	31. Chapter 31

_A/N - Happy Mother's Day to all my readers who are mothers, or mother-figures, or anyone who celebrates. I was hoping to get my Mother's Day chapter up last night, but just couldn't manage it. Well...I could have, but my Mother's Day included enough champagne that it would have been a hot mess of a chapter, I'm sure. _

_I am bleeding this story for every chapter I can possibly muster! I think it is my most favorite that I've written and I adore it and don't want it to end! :) _

* * *

It was hotter than hell in Texas already, at five o'clock in the morning, on the second Friday in May, and all Derek could think about was getting on the jet and getting home. It had been one of those cases where anything more than a cat nap was a pipe dream. They'd plodded through for forty-eight hours, they'd nabbed the bad guy, but he was so wired with thoughts of Emily and the kids that sleep on the plane proved elusive. He put on his headphones and he tried to rest, thinking about how they'd land around ten o'clock in the morning, he could be home by eleven, and Ella usually took a long nap around that time. If the stars aligned, he could coax Emily into a family nap, his arms around her and her arm around Ella, and they could sleep for a couple of hours before it was time to get Devon and Maddie from school.

Emily wouldn't ask about the case when she first saw him; they'd established that when he went back to work. After his first case back, she'd asked him about it and he'd told her he didn't want that kind of darkness in their home.

"Derek, you and I became so close all those years ago because we started hanging out after cases to process them and talk about how we felt. You can't keep that bottled up," she'd said to him.

He'd agreed and they'd struck a deal: He would talk if the case felt like something that he needed to process, but not in the house. Usually within twenty-four hours of being home they managed to find the time to take a walk together, even if it was late at night after the kids were asleep and in Fran's care.

In the grand scheme of things, the case in Texas wasn't as bad as some of the things they all saw. Creepy as fuck, but not bad. And they saved the victim. He didn't need to find time for a walk, he just wanted his family and their home for the weekend, a weekend that he could now count on without being called away to work - Hotch was sticking to his plan, and they were all better for it.

He wanted to play on the floor with Ella and go for a run with Maddie; he wanted JJ and Will to come over after Devon and Henry's baseball game the next afternoon and stay for dinner like they often did. He wanted to walk down the stairs the next morning and find his mom sitting at the table reading the paper, coffee already made because she woke up at such an ungodly hour every day.

And on Sunday, he wanted to celebrate Emily's first Mother's Day.

He didn't even bother going into the building when they got back to Quantico, just headed straight for his car, and he wasn't surprised when his phone rang a minute later.

"What's a girl to think when you don't even come in to say goodbye?"

Derek smiled. "Sorry, Garcia."

He could feel her bright grin over the line, "That's okay. You're compelled to rush home to your modern day Mayfield, and I can't say I blame you."

Derek laughed. "You mean Mayberry?"

"No, Ward Cleaver. I mean Mayfield and you and June Cleaver, a.k.a Emily. Anyway, I was wondering if I could jump in on watching the baseball game tomorrow and hanging out after."

"We'd love to have you."

She squealed in a way that was uniquely her, not annoying, but a sound that expressed acceptance and joy. "Two babies to hold all afternoon. It doesn't get much better than that."

He laughed again and they disconnected. He drove home with bleary, tired eyes, barely remembering how he got there when he pulled his car into their driveway. He opened the front door to the whirs and bangs of construction going on in the basement, but the rest of the house was silent. He went up the stairs and what he saw chased all thoughts of a family nap out of his mind.

Emily was in Ella's new room, bent over on her knees installing the decorative plates they ordered for the outlets. Emily was in short, faded, cut-off denim shorts and a t-shirt while she worked the screwdriver into the wall in an otherwise finished room.

"Those shorts should be illegal," he husked out.

She turned her head and smiled at him. "Damn. I wanted to have her room all done before you got home."

"Where are Ella and my mom?"

"On a walk with Sammy. Your mom said if Ella fell asleep in her stroller, she planned to stay at the park and read."

Emily moved to stand up and he stopped her. "Don't stand up. Just finish what you were doing. Where on earth did you get those shorts and why haven't I seen them before?"

She laughed and continued with her task until the wall plate was screwed in before rising to stand. "You haven't seen them before because they're ridiculous for a woman my age. Actually, they're ridiculous in general. As to where I got them - I went shopping with Penelope years ago. She picked them out and I learned long ago that sometimes it's easier just to give in than fight with her. I bought them and they've been my cleaning shorts ever since, it just hasn't been warm enough to wear them before now. Which got me thinking that I need to buy some summer clothes, for me and the kids."

He saw her talking, he heard some words. But all that was registering in his mind was no Ella, no Fran and getting her out of those shorts. The idea of sleep seemed a long way away. He walked towards her like he was stalking his prey, and she laughed again.

"There are workers in the house," she said.

"In the basement. We'll lock the bedroom door."

"I can tell by your eyes that you haven't slept in a long time," she smirked.

"Don't care," he mumbled before his lips found hers.

He did fine with the preliminaries, his mouth against hers, one hand on her thigh right where the shorts ended, and a hand under her shirt resting against the soft skin of her waist; he managed the walk to their bedroom where she guided him, the flopping onto the bed. Their bed was too much for his sleep-deprived brain and body, though. He hit the mattress, his head on a pillow that smelled faintly of Emily's shampoo, and struggled to stay focused on her.

He was only moderately aware when she removed his shirt, and less so when she removed his jeans. He tried to rouse himself when he felt her body over his, but couldn't manage it. The last thing he remembered was the feel of her lips on his chest, her light, airy laugh, and her saying, "I love you more than you could possibly imagine in the beautiful mind of yours. I promise to wear these shorts for you again. Sleep now, my wonderful husband."

He remembered smiling at those words right before sleep fully grabbed him and took him under.

He wasn't sure if it was minutes, hours or days later when he felt small hands on his cheeks. "Daddy?"

Derek blinked open his eyes to find Devon staring at him. "Daddy, Mommy and Nana say it's time for dinner. Nana says if you don't get up now, you'll never be able to sleep tonight."

Derek grinned and hugged Devon to him. "I missed you."

"I missed you, too, Daddy."

He kissed Devon's cheek and rubbed his head gently. "Tell them I'm up and I'll be down in a minute."

After using the bathroom and splashing water on his face, he pulled on clean jeans and a shirt and headed downstairs to the happy family he'd been thinking about on the plane. Emily was dressed in regular jeans again, and she and his mom both smiled at him when they saw him. Maddie grinned and hugged him, and Ella grinned, too, and gurgled in her high chair, showing off her front teeth. She was very precise and delicate in the fine art of feeding herself, plucking one pea off her tray and bringing it to her dainty little mouth. She looked like an entirely different baby now, her neck and back strong, supporting herself, little dimples on her knees and elbows.

Derek dropped a kiss on her curly hair, plopped down in the chair next to her and grabbed the bowl of chopped up casserole that was cooling on the table. He tested the temperature and then brought the spoon towards her mouth, which she opened. "Taste good, Ella Bella?" he asked.

Based on the sounds she was was making, it tasted very good.

Everyone else gathered at the table and Derek looked at the faces there. There were times when he still thought he must be dreaming. That he'd gone from the possibility of a relationship with Emily, to being married to Emily with three kids in the span of about six months still shocked him when he thought about it.

He didn't know what he enjoyed more that evening - the conversation at dinner, doing the dishes with Maddie while she talked to him about a 5K she'd read about in the newspaper that she was wondering if they could do together, playing board games in the living room as a group while Ella squealed and laughed on his lap, or rocking his baby to sleep and putting her down in her crib in her own room for the first time, before helping Emily tuck Devon and Maddie into bed.

Modern-day Mayfield, indeed.

That is, right up until the moment that he was laying in bed watching Ella sleep on the video monitor in their room and Emily came out of the bathroom in her robe. "I napped a long time. I think I'm going to have to burn off a lot of energy before I can sleep," he whispered.

He loved how the lines around her eyes crinkled when she smiled at him. His eyes tracked her as she walked to close and lock the bedroom door. "One step ahead of you," she said. Then she removed the robe and was wearing nothing but those shorts.

His breath caught in his throat and all the blood in his body rushed south. "I don't think June Cleaver ever wore anything like that."

Emily raised her eyebrows and laughed. "What?"

He shook his head and chuckled. "Nothing. Come here."

* * *

Emily was folding clothes in the basement in the otherwise quiet house. It was Saturday morning and Derek had taken the kids. She'd laughed and suppressed her concern when he'd grabbed Ella, stuffed a diaper and a thin pack of wipes in his back pocket and grabbed a banana. Emily had stopped feeling like she was packing for the end of the world when taking all three kids out, but she still felt like a pack mule. Derek approached it all with ease and like nothing could go wrong. He'd taken her car and all three kids on what he called a "Secret Mother's Day Mission."

Mother's Day. She still couldn't believe she'd be celebrating that the next day. She had no idea what Derek was planning, but she was sure it would be full of laughter and comfort, and probably a lot of tears of happiness, both shed and unshed. And she was going to take her mom out to lunch, too. For the first time in forever, both Prentiss women would be celebrating Mother's Day.

She gently put aside Ella's outfits that were in the 3-6 month size to hand them off to JJ. At nine months old, with an adjusted age of seven-and-a-half months, Ella was finally moving on to the next size up.

Emily turned and saw that the double doors leading to Fran's space were open. Leaving the laundry basket where it was, she approached the doorway and knocked gently on the frame. Fran looked up from where she was sitting and reading in an armchair. She smiled and waved Emily in.

The space in the basement was nice, and brighter than Emily would have thought. There were several small windows up near the ceiling of the room, and they'd painted the room light colors with light wood floors. The first thing the construction workers had done down there was to build Fran a small kitchenette. Now they were finishing up the bathroom, which was accessed from a door within her room, but extended further out into the basement so as not to take away from her space.

All and all, the small studio-like apartment was bigger than Emily's studio when she first moved back to Georgetown after college.

"Have a seat. Do you want some tea?" Fran asked.

"Sure. Thanks," she replied while settling on the couch.

Emily was very comfortable with Fran, so comfortable it almost made her uncomfortable now that she was trying to build a relationship with her own mother again. She often had to remind herself that Fran and Elizabeth were very different people, and she didn't need to feel guilty about the warmth she shared with Fran just because her mother wasn't warm. Fran gave out genuine hugs as easily as a friendly person might give out smiles; even Elizabeth's smiles were hard-earned, but it was getting better. Emily also didn't feel like she had anything to prove with Fran. She was definitely like a mother to Emily, without all the baggage.

Fran handed her a mug of tea and then sat down on the couch next to Emily. "I'm glad you came down. I've been thinking and wanted to talk with you. I thought about talking with Derek first, but I really feel like this is your call since you're the one who's home all the time, and I want you to have time to think about it if you need to."

Emily turned and raised her eyebrows at Fran.

"I'm thinking about flying back to Chicago this week."

Disappointment crashed over Emily and she was embarrassed when tears immediately pricked her eyes. Fran had been there for nearly three months without mentioning going home, but they knew it might happen at some point. It wasn't that Emily didn't think she could manage without Fran, but the woman had certainly become an integral part of their family dynamic and they would all miss her. _She_ would miss her. Late evenings when Derek was traveling on a case were often spent binge watching television shows with Fran and laughing together. And Fran was so good about the evenings when Derek was home, retreating to her own space and giving them time alone. When Derek was at work, there was an easy give and take with responsibilities and the children and Fran was part nanny and part co-parent. When he wasn't on a case, Fran easily went back to grandmother mode. There was absolutely nothing oppressive or intrusive about having Fran in their home.

Fran brushed a tear away that was falling down Emily's cheek and smiled. "I'm thinking about flying back and then having one of Derek's sisters drive me back here in my car. I figure it will take me a week or two to pack up my place and donate my furniture. I'm willing to be here. I _want_ to be here, but I want to make sure it's what you want."

"Of course it's what I want," Emily said without hesitation. "It's what we all want."

Fran nodded like she knew that was probably the answer. "I thought if I went now, I'd definitely make it back in time before the kids get out of school for the summer."

"Good," Emily said with a grin.

Fran smiled softly at her. "Do you think Derek will stay with the BAU?"

Emily hesitated before answering. They said they'd revisit the topic in six months, and it had been about five. "I can't say for sure, but I think it's an important part of who he is and the way the team is running right now is working for him."

"And what about you? Do you want to go back to work?"

Emily hadn't thought about her career since her clothes arrived from London and she'd packed up the vast majority of her designer suits and heels in sealed tubs with enough mothballs to last a millennium, until such time she needed them again. "Not any time soon. Though there are some volunteer opportunities at the school next year that I wouldn't mind participating in. And I could see myself being a translator part time for the State Department when Ella's a little older. Or maybe teaching a couple classes at Quantico."

Fran took her hand. "I overheard you and JJ talking the other day about how Will is going to cut back to three ten-hour shifts a week when JJ returns to the BAU, and her exhausting hunt for a nanny for three days a week that might mean longer hours if it's Will's work day and she's off on a case. So I thought, 'Why not me?' You seem to have this down, not that I don't enjoy all the time with you. This way you'll get some independence as a mother running your own household, I'll get a bit of income, though not nearly as much as JJ was thinking she'd have to spend, and I could still be here with Grace when the kids are in school, if you and I wanted to have lunch together or go to the park. And by the time Ella and Grace are both a little older, if you wanted to work or volunteer a few hours a week, I could handle them both. What do you think?"

There wasn't anything to think about. It sounded like a perfect solution in so many ways, for two families. She hugged Fran and then reached into the back pocket of her jeans and pulled out her phone, handing it over. "I think you're about to give JJ the best Mother's Day gift she's ever received."

* * *

On Mother's Day morning, Emily woke up when she heard Ella babbling in her crib, but Derek stilled her with a hand on her hip. "Stay put. Read or go back to sleep, but under no circumstances are you to get up."

She looked at him with a smile. "Can I go to the bathroom?"

He sighed like it was an exhausting request, then kissed her before saying, "If you must."

She used the bathroom and returned to the bed. She picked up the book she was reading, but was more entertained by the noises coming from downstairs - Ella's squeals and Devon's laughter mixed in with what sounded like exasperation and direction from Maddie while Derek tried to control it all.

Thirty minutes later, she heard footsteps on the stairs and then they were all there. Maddie was holding a tray of food and Devon was holding a cup of coffee and Derek was holding Ella, and it took everything in her not to sob.

She smiled at them. But when Devon handed her the mug and Maddie set the tray of food down over her lap and they were both sitting there with grins on their faces, the tears couldn't be held back.

"What's wrong?" asked Devon.

"Absolutely nothing," she replied while touching his cheek. "I'm just very happy."

He looked at her, very confused. "Then laugh!" he said.

At that she started cracking up, and wiped the tears from her eyes. "OK," she said, as Derek put Ella on the bed and she wiggled her way towards Emily with an arm crawl that would be the envy of most FBI agents. Emily reached out and hooked an arm around her.

"Open your present," Maddie whispered.

Emily reached for the small box on the tray with one hand while the other arm held Ella, and Maddie helped her undo the tape and paper. Inside the box was a necklace with three charms, each with stones, and each etched with the names of the kids.

"They picked out their own stones," Derek whispered from the foot of the bed.

She held up the necklace and looked. "Even Ella?"

"Purple was the first one she reached for, and she looks good in purple, so I went for it," he responded with a grin.

Devon looked at her, "Bright orange, like the sun. Because that's what you look like when you smile!" He gave her an innocent and happy grin, like his words were light when she was feeling them cut her right down to the soul.

She looked at Maddie's charm with a bright red stone on it. Maddie laid down on the bed and put her head on Emily's shoulder. "There are colors for things. Red is the color of the heart. But I never thought of mine that way for a long time. I'll always miss my adoptive parents, but my heart is red and happy again."

The tears flowed and dripped down Emily's cheeks despite her best efforts. She had one arm around Ella and Devon was at her feet while Derek reached out to touch her knee. Maddie sank more deeply into her and put her arm around Emily. She whispered in Emily's ear, "I'm happy and I love you, Mom."


	32. Chapter 32

Emily walked from the parking structure towards the French restaurant her mom had made reservations at for lunch, trying to remember the last time she'd celebrated Mother's Day with Elizabeth Prentiss. She came to the conclusion that it had been twenty-three years, since she graduated from college and moved to Georgetown. After she started at the FBI academy and then been sent to Indiana, their relationship, which was pretty damn fragile as it was, became nearly non-existent. There were the occasional birthday cards, and a few times Emily had sent a Mother's Day card, but other than that they really hadn't acknowledged holidays or birthdays.

She wasn't sure who gave up on their relationship first, and then she concluded that the problem was that they never really had a relationship. Emily was raised primarily by nannies. She only knew her mother's disappointment when she wasn't perfect, and was only her mother's prized possession at political gatherings where she showed Emily off by talking about Emily's ability to pick up new languages quickly and perfectly. Until she was a teenager, Emily had always performed on cue, rattling off Arabic by the time she was five, followed by Russian, French, Spanish and Italian, enjoying her mother's praise in those brief moments.

Emily sighed as she approached the restaurant, reminding herself that this was a new chapter in her life and that she was going to let her mother be part of it, as much as she wanted to be. She paused and looked down at her outfit; her calf muscles hurt from wearing heels after so many months of not, but her skirt and blouse looked nice, the nicest clothes she'd worn since Christmas Eve. If her mother could dress in jeans and go to a middle school basketball game and a pizza parlor, then Emily could dress up and go to a nice restaurant for lunch. She touched the ring on her finger before touching the necklace the kids and Derek had given her that morning, to remind herself who she was now, then opened the door to the restaurant. She saw her mom already sitting at a table.

Emily walked towards the table and was nearly shocked out of her skin when her mother stood up and lightly kissed Emily's cheek. "Happy Mother's Day," she said softly.

"Happy Mother's Day to you," Emily responded automatically, trying not to act overly surprised.

Elizabeth sat back down and Emily joined her at the table. "How was your morning?" her mother asked.

Emily told her mom about breakfast in bed and showed her the necklace. They looked at their menus and Emily almost laughed. It wasn't that she didn't enjoy some of the things that came with money, like expensive restaurants where a simple salad cost a ridiculous amount of money, it's just that she hadn't frequented those places in a very long time, and found she was much more at home in a pizza and beer type place than a place like this. She always had been, from the moment she moved away from her mother in high school and stopped having to hold her back ramrod straight at every moment. Even when her father passed away and she'd received her portion of the inheritance, she hadn't splurged or spent much of the money. She'd invested it and was determined to make it on her own. The first time she thought of spending some of it was on a brownstone in Dupont Circle. The first time she'd actually spent a chunk of it was on tuition for Maddie and Devon.

Her mom asked about Devon and Maddie and Ella, and Emily shared stories that had happened in the past week, since her mom last came over for dinner. Their first course arrived, and Emily almost laughed again at the pleased look on her mother's face when Emily remembered which fork to use, like being home with three kids and a dog would have turned her into a neanderthal. The antagonistic part of her personality when it came to relating with her mother almost wanted to ask the waiter what kind of beer they had, knowing they had none. The Emily who was trying tamped that down though, and took a delicate sip of her absurdly expensive glass of wine. Maybe her mother hadn't looked at her funny at all; it was possible she was just nervous and Emily was overly-sensitive and so used to being judged by her mother that she just assumed that was the case.

"When do you and Derek plan on getting married?" Elizabeth asked.

Emily almost choked on the food in her mouth. She wasn't exactly used to such direct questions from her mother. When it came to hedging around their personal lives with each other, they both were experts. "This summer sometime," she replied. "We're not planning to do anything fancy, just a small, simple ceremony, maybe even in our backyard. We'll have it catered. But we haven't talked about a date yet."

They hadn't talked about a date, partially because they were already married, and partially because they were enjoying their lives immensely, both completely entrenched in family life and loving every minute of it. And also because that delicious little secret of theirs had gone on long enough now that Emily was starting to have trouble with the idea of telling people they were already married, specifically Fran and Penelope. She imagined they'd both be a little hurt. JJ would be fine. Hell, JJ was essentially planning to do exactly what she and Derek had done when she married Will, if Rossi hadn't intervened.

Emily also wanted to steer clear of this conversation with her mother because she was pretty certain the words "prenuptial agreement" would come up; they'd come up a few times after her father died even though Emily wasn't seeing anyone at the time. She hadn't even considered it with Derek. He put her name on the title of the house, she put his on her bank accounts; he put her on his insurance when the Interpol well dried up, she put his name as the beneficiary on her life insurance policy. And her driver's license now said Emily Prentiss Morgan, though no one besides Derek had seen it yet.

Lost in her thoughts, she only became fully aware of the fact that her mother had reached in her purse and was handing something to Emily when the picture in her mother's hand was right near her face. She reached for it and looked at the magnificent house that appeared to be right on the water somewhere. Not a house, a mansion, but despite its size, there was a quaint, cozy quality about it.

"What is this?" asked Emily.

"That belongs to an old colleague of mine. It's in Virginia Beach. He and his wife and their children and their children's families spend most of their summers there, but no one will be arriving until the beginning of July. I asked him if he would be amicable to the idea of me renting the house the last week in June, and he is. They have people they've hired for years, a cook and two housekeepers, even a nanny, and they are also willing to start a week early. It would be my treat. There are twelve bedrooms, enough space for all of your friends to stay. And you could get married there, if you want. I figured you'd want to keep it small, so this property would be perfect. You'd have it for nine days, from Friday until the following Sunday." Elizabeth paused and smiled softly. "Sammy is welcome, too."

Emily was having a hard time processing what her mother had just said. It wasn't the mansion or the house staff or her mother essentially offering to spend what amounted to thousands of dollars. It was that her mother seemed to actually understand her for the first time in her life. Her mother could have just as easily offered to rent an elaborate facility for a more traditional wedding, but she hadn't done that. She'd thought of this house, she'd thought about the fact that Emily would want her family and her friends close, and that Emily would want to keep things small and relaxed. While the house was grand, the idea was simple. And even if not everyone could stay for the week, it was close enough for a weekend trip. She would need to talk to Derek, but she had no doubt that he'd be totally in.

Swallowing past the sudden lump in her throat, she looked at her mom. "Would you stay there, too?"

Elizabeth looked almost insecure. "Would you want me to?"

"Yes," she whispered back, realizing that it was absolutely true, that for the first time since she was a small child, she actually wanted her mother right in the middle of her life with everyone else, and not just occasionally on the periphery.

Her mom smiled at that and then they both looked down at their plates, taking a moment to compose themselves. Emily ate her food and wondered when the hell this was going to stop being so _hard_, or if they could both hang in there long enough for that to even occur. For the thousand ways she wasn't at all like her mother, they were similar in one area: when they felt emotionally vulnerable, they ran away. The last time Elizabeth had shown her any sign of vulnerability was the night Emily came back from the dead, and right after that, her mother had taken off to Italy for months. Though Emily's flight response had been annihilated by Derek's love, she wasn't quite sure about her mother's ability to stick around for the long haul.

While Emily was thinking, her mother, it turned out, was preparing to unload another emotional bombshell on Emily by opening up to her. When their salad plates were removed and their main courses were brought to the table, her mom spoke in a soft voice. "I never considered you much when you were growing up. I've been thinking about that the past few months. I considered myself and how you related to my life and my goals, but I didn't think much about who you were as a person. I could say it's because I never understood you, and that would be partially true. But I think it's more likely because I was scared of you. You were naturally affectionate as a child, and brilliant and instinctively kindhearted. Most of the time I couldn't believe you came from me, and I tried to make you more like me instead of accepting you. Watching you these past couple of months with your children and Derek has made me wish several times that I could go back and do it all over again, the right way."

Emily knew why her mom was doing this in a restaurant - the public atmosphere would ensure Elizabeth Prentiss kept her emotions in check. Emily didn't have that natural defense mechanism to tears anymore, however. Her eyes welled and then overflowed. Using her napkin, she dabbed away the tears and took a deep shaky breath. "There are a lot of things in my life I wish I could go back and do differently, Mom. But, ultimately, everything in our pasts landed us right here. And _here _is pretty near perfect. I wouldn't change my present for anything, and that includes the part where we're building a relationship.

Her mother's smile at those words was far different than anything Emily had ever seen before, because it reached well beyond the surface level of her face. Elizabeth Prentiss actually looked happy. Emily returned the smile and blinked quickly to stop the impending water works. She focused on her food for a couple more minutes and then looked back up.

"Mom, I want to tell you something. Back at the beginning of March, right after we got Ella, Derek and I went down to the county courthouse and got married. We wanted something that was just ours for a little bit because everything was happening so fast with the kids. But we do want to get married again with all of our friends and family there. And the house in Virginia Beach is beautiful. I'll have to talk to Derek, but I'm sure he'll love the idea and be appreciative."

Elizabeth raised her eyebrows. "You're already married?"

"Yes, but you're the only person who knows." Emily smiled and laughed lightly. It was the first time ever that she'd shared a secret with her mother.

Elizabeth considered Emily for a few seconds, then laughed as well and reached over to pat Emily's hand. "Your secret's safe with me."

* * *

Emily's heels didn't bother her on the walk back to her car; she felt like she was walking on air. She was on the verge of wanting to hug random strangers and tell them about her lunch with her mother. How they'd really talked, how they'd actually _laughed_ together. How her mother had hugged her goodbye and said, "I love you, Emily," before getting in her cab.

Though all her thoughts were initially on getting home to Derek and the kids and telling him about her lunch, she found her car almost automatically taking a different exit on her way, just to see if Hotch was home. Mother's Day, she knew, was often a quiet and sad affair at their place. She was pleased when she pulled up and saw Jack and Hotch in the front of their building throwing a baseball back and forth.

"Emily!" Jack called out happily when he saw her. Jack had been at their house quite a bit in the past few months, over to play with Maddie, and they'd grown pretty close.

"Hey, Jack!" she called back.

Hotch tossed the ball at Jack and they both walked towards Emily.

"I take it you didn't just come from playing at the park with the kids," Hotch said with a small grin while looking at her outfit.

Emily chuckled. "No. I'm just on my way home from lunch with my mother."

Hotch gave her a slight grimace. "How was that?"

"Actually, it was pretty wonderful," she said softly. "And she gave me a gift. She rented a house in Virginia Beach the last week in June. It's big enough for all of us - the whole team, plus Derek's mom and sisters and my mom - and right on the water. There's a pool and a boat dock with canoes and jet skis. Plus a cook and housekeepers. It would be a true vacation for all of us. I need to talk with Derek about it, but I know the first question he's going to ask is if you think you could get everyone the time off. Not necessarily for the whole week, but maybe for a long weekend. And Derek and I could get married."

She handed him the picture and Hotch took it.

"Your mother did this?" he asked, trying to hide his surprise.

"She's...trying. She's changing. So am I. We had a fabulous time together this afternoon."

Hotch smiled at her and handed the picture back. "Derek can definitely have the whole time off. I'll ask for the whole week for the rest of us, and cut back the number of days if necessary. I'll make at least a long weekend happen for all of us."

Emily grinned. "Thanks, Hotch."

She rubbed Jack's head. "Did you hear that? A real vacation."

Jack smiled at her and nodded. Emily put her hand on Jack's cheek and looked at Hotch. "What are you guys doing for dinner? I believe Derek's plan is the barbeque and we have plenty."

Jack looked at his dad hopefully, but Hotch hesitated. "I don't want to intrude."

Emily rolled her eyes. "Please. Six o'clock?"

"Are you sure Morgan won't mind?"

Emily laughed. "I'm pretty sure Derek would be happy to have the whole team show up several times a week for dinner."

Hotch smiled and nodded. "OK. Six o'clock."

"Yes!" Jack exclaimed.

Emily grinned and got back in her car. The drive home was quick and, though she no longer felt like she ought to be surprised about what she found at their home after being out while the kids were at home with Derek, she was once again taken aback by the scene in front of her. Bikes parked in the driveway. Devon standing there with a helmet on, Ella in a purple helmet in Derek's arms. And Maddie smiling and Fran laughing as they rode towards her down the sidewalk.

"Mommy! We got bikes!" Devon exclaimed when she opened the car door.

"I can see that! How exciting!"

Devon got back on his bike and took off down the sidewalk. Derek came over, holding Ella in one arm and wrapping the other around Emily's waist. "How was lunch?" he whispered in her ear.

"Amazing."

He pulled his head back and smiled at her. "I can't wait to hear about it." He turned his head and nodded towards the driveway at a light blue beach cruiser bike in the driveway. "When was the last time you rode a bike, Emily Morgan?" he asked quietly.

She thought. "I think I was Maddie's age. How did this happen?"

"We were eating lunch and my mom started talking about how we used to go for a bike ride to the park on Mother's Day when I was really little, which I barely remembered until she said it. Maddie said that she'd taught Devon to ride last fall on a bike at Mrs. Murphy's. So my mom stayed with Ella during her nap and I took Maddie and Devon to the bike store, got us all bikes, helmets and a bike seat for Ella, and an employee piled the bikes in the back of his truck and drove them home for us. Want to change your clothes and try out your new wheels? Or we could go inside and you can tell me about your lunch first if you want."

She smiled and kissed him. "We do need to talk, but I'll change and try out my new wheels first. And Hotch and Jack are coming for dinner."

"How did _that_ happen?" he asked, though he seemed pleased like she knew he would be.

Emily leaned forward and whispered, "I needed to see him about you getting some vacation time so we could get hitched."

* * *

In the end, they sent an email.

They told Fran personally that they were already married, but whatever potential hurt that was there was erased when they explained about the house in Virginia Beach and another wedding. They took that as a good sign that the others would react similarly, and knew it would be hard for anyone to get too upset on the wings of an all-expense paid vacation in Virginia Beach and the announcement to the team that they had the last week in June off if they wanted it.

So the Monday after Mother's Day, when Hotch confirmed that he'd secured the time off for the team, they sat in bed with Derek's laptop after the kids were asleep and sent the email, including many more pictures of the house.

They were both a little sad that they no longer had that secret just for themselves, which may have been ridiculous, but it had gotten them through several rough weeks with Ella before things started getting better with her. And in a lot of ways it had linked them as a couple when they didn't have the benefit of a typical history. Intellectually, they knew nothing had changed, but it still felt a little bit like a loss.

They made love slowly that night, nearly silently, both of them just hanging on tightly to each other. And after, neither of them were quick to reach for their pajamas and unlock and crack open the bedroom door. Emily rested her body above his, her head on his chest. She was happy and excited and so completely in love, but contemplative at the same time. She looked at her left hand where the diamonds glittered slightly in the near darkness. "I'm looking forward to getting wedding rings," she said.

Derek ran his hand through her hair. "Me, too. I'm looking forward to seeing you walk towards me in a dress in front of everyone, though I'm a little afraid I might faint."

She laughed and kissed his chest. "I'm looking forward to buying clothes for the kids to wear."

"I'm looking forward to picking out a wedding cake."

Emily lifted her head and smiled at him. "We have a long history of exchanging birthday cupcakes. And it will be your birthday that week. Maybe we should do fancy cupcakes instead."

Derek grinned. "Cupcakes. Definitely."

She nodded and moved her body to kiss him before moving to grab her pajamas. She tossed him his and stood to unlock and open the bedroom door. With his arms around her, and looking forward to this new chapter in their lives, sleep came easily.

And the next morning, right before Derek left the house to head into work, Rose called with a court date to finalize the adoptions for all three kids: June twentieth, just a few days shy of that official six month mark for Maddie and Devon, but she had pushed the paperwork to roll Ella into that mix so they could all be adopted at the same time.

Devon was excited, but for Maddie, because she had a deeper understanding of what this all really meant, the reaction was huge. She whooped and jumped into Emily's arms. Emily held her tightly and Derek put his arms around both of them. "We made it," Maddie whispered.


	33. Chapter 33

Emily's running shoes slapped against the pavement and Ella giggled in her jogging stroller, in direct contrast to Grace, who slept peacefully in her stroller while JJ ran. They'd been working on this for several weeks, building up their strength again; JJ because she'd recently given birth, and Emily because since December her biggest type of exercise came in the form of carrying Ella, lugging a vacuum cleaner up the stairs and nights with Derek. She wouldn't normally have put sex in the "exercise" category, until she met Derek Morgan. She was in surprisingly better shape than she thought she would be when her and JJ first started this back in April.

It had been a long time since she'd gone without regular exercise and getting back into a routine felt fantastic. They pushed each other, which was good for both of them. When they crested the top of a hill at a nearby park after running a solid five miles, they slowed to a walk.

"How were things this morning without Fran?" JJ huffed out.

"Not as smooth as they usually are, but we managed," Emily replied. It was true. Fran had flown back to Chicago the evening before, and Derek was called in on a case early that morning, and Emily had managed just fine on her own, making breakfast and getting the kids off to school. "We'll see what this afternoon and evening brings. I'm sure it will be fine."

They got to a flatter area and parked the strollers under a shady tree. Emily spilled some cereal and chopped up fruit on Ella's tray and she faced JJ. They started doing squats.

"Good," said JJ. "I've been thinking about how when Fran has longer hours with us, it's going to be when both Derek and I are away on a case. It worries me that Fran is going to give me peace of mind while making your life more stressful."

Emily shrugged. "It will be fine. At first it will be summer and bedtimes and routines won't matter as much. Fran can bring Grace and Henry over to our house and the two of us can manage all of them if it comes to that. And then it won't be as big of a deal when school starts again."

"You're really sure about this? I kind of feel terrible about taking Fran away from you."

Emily stopped her movement and smiled at JJ. "I'm one hundred percent sure."

She started her squats again and JJ was quiet for awhile. "I just want to make sure you're not doing this out of guilt, because of that night in Madrid, because you feel like you owe Will something."

"Jayje," Emily whispered quietly. They'd never, ever talked about that night, not really. The closest they'd come was over a year ago when she told JJ that Will needed the truth. "That seems so far away, like a different lifetime or existence. I never thought about it when Fran was talking to me about watching Grace and Henry, not once. It's a good solution for everyone, that's all I thought."

JJ stood and tilted her head at Emily, thinking. "Do you regret it?"

Emily wasn't sure where these questions were coming from, or why now. It was so many years ago. But maybe they'd made a mistake never acknowledging it. She'd told Derek and JJ had told Will, but they never talked about it with each other.

"Regret is a strange thing," Emily responded. "My honest answer is that I don't regret it. I'm ashamed because of Will and I'm sad that we both got to the point that we would do that without regard for you or your family, but I can honestly say that had that night not occurred, I would probably have never told you about Maddie. And then we wouldn't be here right now. It's not that I didn't trust you before that, or that I trusted you any more after that, but I opened up in a way that I likely wouldn't have, had that night not occurred."

JJ sank down in the grass and stared at her. "Thank you," she whispered.

"For what?" Emily asked.

"All of the things I ever regretted doing in my life came with reason. I was assigned, it was part of the job, I was ordered to, things like that. I never could find a reason for that night, and it's weighed on me. But now I see that maybe there was a purpose to it. It feels resolved when I think about it that way, like I can maybe totally let the guilt go."

Emily felt her lips lift into a small smile. "Good." She turned and got on the ground, starting her push ups. JJ did the same.

"I called your mom and Fran and talked to the team," JJ said after a minute.

Emily stilled and pushed herself onto her knees. "Why?"

JJ smiled at her. "Because after my wedding, you all pitched in and sent Will and I off on a honeymoon. I know you don't want to be away from the kids for a week or anything, but, if you're okay with it, you're going to get a little time. We'll move the wedding from that Friday to Thursday. And then on Friday morning, we'll all leave the house. Derek's sisters and Fran will take your kids home and Penelope will be on back up, and you and Derek can have the weekend."

Emily hesitated and glanced at Ella, who gave her a slobbery smile in return and babbled a few sounds before jamming a piece of nectarine in her mouth. It's not that she didn't appreciate JJ's gesture. It's not that she didn't want a couple of days with just Derek, but it hadn't been that long since Ella had been off her seizure medication, and though there'd been not one incident, if something happened when they weren't there, she couldn't imagine the guilt she'd feel.

Reading her thoughts, JJ spoke up. "Ella will be fine. Penelope said she'd be happy to sit vigil and stay awake in Ella's room all night long if it would make you feel better. And if something were to happen, which it won't, but if it did, I promise I'll steal and FBI helicopter and be there to get you and get you home in lightening speed. I swear."

Emily laughed. She actually could see JJ doing just that. "OK," she agreed. "Thank you."

"Of course."

Grace started fussing and JJ stood to get her out of her seat. Completely at ease and relaxed, JJ sat back down on the grass and discreetly lifted her t-shirt and then her sport's bra.

A pinprick of jealousy and sadness flitted through Emily, at the remembrance of her own milk coming in all those years ago and having no baby there to feed. She turned her head to look at Ella who lifted her little arms towards Emily. "Ma...ma...ma," she babbled.

"You really need to stop passing that off as babbling," JJ said. "She's looking straight at you every time she does it, deliberately. She knows who you are, Mama."

"You think? She's only nine months old, really only seven and a half months." Emily asked quietly.

"That adjusted age thing is becoming less and less important. She's hitting milestones for a nine month old, or even a slightly older baby in some ways. I don't just think. I know," said JJ with a warm smile.

Emily took out a wipe and cleaned Ella's sticky fingers before unbuckling and lifting her out of the stroller. Settling on the grass, Ella pulled herself to a standing position by clutching onto Emily's shirt. She was adorable in the little dress that Emily had purchased the day before, along with tons of other summer clothes for Ella, Devon and Maddie. Ella's knees wobbled slightly and Emily put her hands around her waist to steady her. She grinned at Emily. "Ma...ma…ma."

The sadness left Emily, replaced by a warmth in her heart. All three of her children were miracles in their own way, but the fact that Ella seemed to have almost no delays anymore given all the odds stacked against her was almost unbelievable. She kissed the sweet baby cheek in front of her. "Ella, Ella, Ella," Emily responded with a smile.

* * *

The case in Queens, New York rubbed Derek wrong from the beginning. The call came in the first Wednesday in June, and they'd been in New York by noon. They knew pretty quickly that they were dealing with two unsubs, and those unsubs were breaking into family homes, tying up the children and husband, raping the wives while the family watched and then killing everyone. It's not that they hadn't seen cases like it before; sadly, they'd seen similar cases quite a few times. The issue was that he hadn't dealt with a case like this since Emily came back from London, since Maddie, Devon and Ella came into his life.

Every time he looked at the crime scene photos, he saw his family there. Because Foyet had gone after Hotch and his family, and JJ had had her own encounters with her family and herself being in jeopardy because a vendetta. He had no idea how they managed to come back after that because now that Derek had a family, he knew he would not survive it if anything happened to them because of his job.

The first night on the case, when Hotch gave them five hours to catch some sleep, he called Emily even thought it was the middle of the night.

"Derek?" she asked when she answered the phone, groggy but concerned.

"I'm okay," he said quickly. "I just miss you."

"I miss you, too. Is it a bad one?"

"The worst," he sighed. "I don't want to talk about it right now, I just want to sleep."

Emily was quiet for a few seconds. "Why don't we just keep our phones connected tonight," she whispered.

It felt almost childish, but exactly what he needed. "Did my mom make it back?"

"Yes, she and Sarah got here this afternoon. The kids adore Sarah. She's not flying back until Saturday, so you should hopefully get to spend a little time with her."

Derek grinned. Their very full house had felt almost empty without his mom. He was glad she was back, ecstatic she was staying.

"Sleep now, Derek," Emily said softly. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

He listened to her breathing, and could hear the familiar sounds of how she breathed when she was sleeping. With one hand clutching his phone, wishing he was actually holding onto her, he let the sounds of her breathing lull him to sleep.

The next morning, they hit the ground running, splitting up and chasing leads. He was partnered with Reid, and when Penelope made a break late that afternoon and found the missing link, they were closest to the address of one Marcus Bently, the man they'd pegged as their likely alpha unsub.

They called for backup and arrived at the dilapidated house in Queens with local PD. Hotch, Rossi and Seaver were still fifteen minutes out.

Usually, in these situations, adrenaline filled him - the deep, absolute desire to bring the bad guy down. This time, all he could think about was getting home. He'd never played this game with his head not totally in it. He should have said something, he should have waited for the rest of the team. But that was so unlike him, that he said nothing at all. He was grappling to find the Agent Morgan inside him that he knew.

When he was standing there contemplating things, gunfire erupted from inside the house, spraying the sidewalk right in front of him. Instinct kicked in. He and Spencer ran to the other side of the vehicle to shield themselves. He heard in his microphone, "One suspect in custody, one fleeing on foot behind the house."

And Derek Morgan became Agent Morgan again. He took off, easily outrunning the local officers and Reid. He hauled himself over a chain link fence and chased Marcus Bently down an alley. He was a big man, slightly larger than Morgan, and he was just as fast. Derek came to a split in the alley and looked both directions, unsure which direction Bently had gone.

The bullet ripped through his left arm, and he turned on instinct and fired. He hit Bently, but the large man charged him and before he could pull the trigger again, he'd knocked Morgan over. He felt his head hit the concrete with a sickening smack and his vision blurred, felt the gun fly out of of his hand. He could feel the pain in his arm and could feel the gush of blood rushing out of his body. _Artery,_ he thought.

But he fought. Bently had his forearm pressed against Derek neck and Derek managed to raise his right fist and connect with Bently's face. The world spun at that movement, and he could feel himself barely holding onto consciousness. The sound of a gunshot seemed like it came from miles away, but suddenly the pressure against his neck was gone. He gasped for breath, but couldn't make his eyes open.

The pain was almost more than he could bear when he felt hands pressing hard into his upper arm. "Hang in there, Morgan," Spencer said. His voice sounded very far away.

There were sirens and all he could see behind his eyelids was Emily's face as she on top of him, her soft skin pressed against his, his grandmother's ring on her finger as she promised him she'd never go anywhere without him ever again.

_I love you, Emily, _was the last thing he remembered thinking.

* * *

Emily dropped Devon off at home with Fran, Sarah and Ella. She looked at Maddie. "Ready to do some wedding shopping?"

Maddie grinned and nodded. "What color dress do you think you'll get? Can mine kind of match yours?"

"I have no idea, and absolutely."

Maddie laughed. "Can I get a new outfit for the adoption, too?"

Emily reached over and patted her leg. "Of course."

Maddie grabbed Emily's hand. "Just seventeen more days," she said wistfully.

Emily's phone rang through the car's speakers just as they were pulling into the parking structure at the mall.

"It's Penelope!" Maddie said excitedly when she saw the caller ID. "The case must be over and Dad will be on his way home." It was true, Penelope usually called when a case ended. Maddie hit the answer button.

"Emily, it's Derek," Penelope said softly, tears evident in her voice.

Emily pushed the brake pedal on instinct, aware she was blocking traffic in the parking structure, but not caring. She wasn't sure her heart was beating. She glanced at Maddie whose happy face instantly was wiped away, replaced with fear. Emily squeezed Maddie's hand and took the phone off speaker, placing it by her ear instead.

"What happened?" she asked. Her voice cracked at those words.

"He was shot in the arm. He hit his head. He was taken to Bellevue. Spencer thinks the bullet hit an artery. Can you make the 4:30 flight out of Reagan?"

Emily was frantic. Tears welled in her eyes and she looked at the clock on the dashboard. She'd be cutting it very close. "I have to make it. I have to drop Maddie at home. Tell Hotch I'm on my way. Tell Hotch to tell Derek I'm on my way." She didn't recognize her own voice.

"I'll text you the flight information. Call me if you're running late. Hotch will make sure they hold the flight for you," was Penelope's watery reply.

Emily disconnected and looked at Maddie who was sobbing. "Baby, it's okay. He's going to be okay," she said. She wasn't sure if she was trying to reassure Maddie or herself. The fact that Hotch wanted her on the next flight out to the point that he'd pull the strings necessary to hold the flight for her scared her more than anything else.

"What happened?" Maddie cried.

"He was shot, but he's at the hospital now. He was shot in the arm. I've been shot in the arm before. I'm going to fly to New York." She was rambling, trying to reassure Maddie when all she wanted was someone to reassure her.

Maddie sobbed and then screamed in a terrified voice, "I don't want you to go! I don't want you to get hurt, too. What if the plane crashes? What if you get in an accident on the way to the airport?"

Emily blew through a thankfully green light and got on the expressway that would bring them home in about ten minutes. She looked in horror at the traffic going the other direction, towards the airport. "You listen to me Maddie. I am going to go be with Dad because he was hurt. And then we are both going to come home."

In her heart she knew she was making promises she wasn't sure she could keep, but she had to believe it as much as she needed Maddie to in that moment.

Maddie continued to cry and clutch her hand. Emily pulled onto their street and saw Will there, in uniform, standing next to his police cruiser. Penelope must have called him for a faster ride. Fran was outside talking to him and crying. Maddie jumped out of the car as soon as it was parked and came around to Emily's side, throwing her arms around her. Emily lifted Maddie up and wrapped her in a hug.

"Promise me you'll come home," Maddie whispered in Emily's ear.

"I promise. I love you, Maddie. I have to go now."

She looked at Fran. "Devon and Ella are on a walk with Sarah. I'll tell them. Derek's going to be fine. Go, Emily," Fran said through her tears.

Emily set Maddie down and kissed her forehead. Maddie moved away from her and went to stand beside Fran. Will looked at her, "Let's go."

Emily handed her car keys to Fran and got in Will's cruiser. Will hit the lights immediately. As soon as they were out of the neighborhood, he hit the sirens. She was grateful for this much faster ride to the airport because it would have taken her forever and she would have been so late she wasn't sure the flight would have waited for her. She called Penelope when they were about ten minutes away, saying they were going to be a few minutes late. Penelope told her Derek was in surgery.

Will parked his car at the curb in front of the Delta area at Reagan International and walked into the airport with Emily. She was immediately greeted by an attendant who had her boarding pass ready. It was 4:35. She was ushered past the security line and felt Will squeeze her hand as she bolted away from him. The flight attendant was holding the door open for her at an otherwise empty gate. She was seated in the first row of the plane.

Emily was absolutely terrified by what all of this meant; Hotch desperately wanted her there as soon as possible. She tried to call him, but got no answer. She tried to call Rossi to no avail. Then she had to turn off her phone as the plane prepared for take off.

She spun her engagement ring on her finger, cried, and truly prayed for the first time since she was fifteen years old.


	34. Chapter 34

Halfway through the flight, Emily's tears dried up, replaced by a numbness she'd never quite felt before. She couldn't even bring herself to look at or talk to the flight attendant, who was trying to be comforting, like she knew the whole story. Emily faced the plane's window and felt her eyes getting drier and drier as she hardly blinked.

Two hours and thirty-five minutes after Garcia's initial phone call came in while she was in the the parking garage at the mall in McLean with Maddie, the plane touched down at LaGuardia. As soon as it did, she turned on her phone. There was a text from Hotch, apologizing for missing her call, saying that Derek was still in surgery, but stable, telling her he'd be there at the airport with lights flashing.

All she could see was the word "stable." Stable was good. She managed to blink her eyes. She called home to let Maddie know that she'd landed safely, with promises of updates as soon as she had them.

The flight attendant motioned to her to stand and Emily did so on legs she couldn't feel. They were making sure she got off the plane first. She was right there when the door to the plane opened and she stepped out onto the jetway. As soon as her feet landed on that synthetic carpet and she breathed in the air that could only be described as New York's, her heart sped up again. She was practically running when she burst into the gate at the airport, right into Hotch.

She saw him and the tears began to fall again. He touched her cheek, a more comforting gesture than he'd ever given her before. "Come on," he said. "I'll have you at the hospital in under fifteen minutes."

She followed him blindly to the car.

"He's stable?" she asked shakily when Hotch pulled away from the curb.

"Yes. I was frantic to get you here because after enough years in this job, I know when a puddle of blood gets to a certain size, it's urgent. But the doctors stopped the bleeding and they gave him blood transfusions. It's still precarious, but he's holding up through surgery to remove the bullet and repair the damage in his arm."

She appreciated that Hotch wasn't sugarcoating it for her. Emily felt herself tumbling back in time, when she'd lost a tremendous amount of blood. "Did his heart stop?"

"Once," Hotch said softly.

Emily turned her head to look out the window as the streets whizzed by. She was only vaguely aware of the sound of the sirens on the car. She felt Hotch put a hand on her shoulder, but she couldn't acknowledge it. He pulled to a stop in front of the drop off area at Bellevue, he said he was going to go park the car, that Rossi, Reid and Ashley were there.

Emily made her way to a waiting area where Rossi was standing with a strained look on his face and Ashley was standing, almost forcing herself to look in Emily's eyes when all she clearly wanted to do was run away. And Reid. Reid started crying as soon as he saw her, his hands and arms the pure ivory she knew, but his sleeves rolled up, not quite concealing the blood on them.

Rossi reached her first and wrapped his arms around her, and she held him numbly. It was the soft hand on the back of her head and Reid's quiet words of, "I'm so sorry, Emily," that did her in. She clutched Rossi with one arm and her other hand reached out to Reid and she sobbed.

It was minutes later, before Hotch got there, when a doctor came into the room. "Agent Morgan's out of surgery. He's stable. As you know, he lost a lot of blood, but he's stabilized now. He has a stitches on the back of his head, a concussion and he's still out, it's going to be awhile before his arm heals, but you can see him."

She called Fran with an update and then Emily found herself on an elevator, taking her up two floors. The hallway between the elevator and Derek's room was maybe ten yards, but it felt like miles. She made it and inhaled deeply when she saw Derek laying on his right side, his left arm in a sling, facing her. He looked small and fragile, both adjectives she'd never thought of to describe him before. There was chair set up like a throne in front of him, a chair that said, "Sit vigil here. Hold his right hand."

But as she stepped into the room, she knew that would never be enough for her, not now. And she knew it wouldn't be enough for Derek if he was awake to have any say in the matter. She approached the bed quietly, dropped her purse on the floor and kicked off her shoes. She stepped around to the other side of the bed and lowered the railing. Gently, she crawled in behind him. She knew how to do this in a way that wouldn't hurt because several years ago, Derek had held her while she slept on her couch when her arm was in a sling. She pressed her body against his and rested her head on her right arm while her left went around his waist, holding him close but not tightly. She took in the bandage on the back of his head and pressed her lips to his back, over the hospital gown. And then she cried, her tears soaking the fabric that smelled uniquely like only hospital garments could smell.

She watched the blips of his heartbeat on the quiet monitor and carefully moved her hand so it rested against his chest, so she could feel the heartbeats and make sure the monitor was correct.

* * *

Derek dreamed. He wasn't quite sure where he was, and his eyes wouldn't open no matter how much he wanted them to, just to escape the images. He hurt and he was freezing cold. There were no other people around, there was no backdrop. There was a blinding whiteness and his father was clutching his shirt, blood pouring out of him, pulling his ten year old son's face close, whispering through gritted teeth, "You're a good boy. You take care of them."

That dream faded and a worse one replaced it. Carl Buford was touching him in a way that no adult should and he was crying and it hurt and he just wanted his mom. But after he gingerly walked his way home, he opened the front door and found his mom laughing on the couch with his sisters. It was the first time he'd seen her really laugh since his dad had died. He couldn't bring himself to say anything. He went to the bathroom and wiped away the blood. He put his underwear and pants in a plastic bag and stuffed them at the bottom of his backpack. He took a shower and joined his family for dinner. The next day he threw his bag of clothes away in a dumpster on his way to school.

Sarah was in her senior year of high school. She came home ecstatic about a college acceptance and he noticed the worried look on his mother's face. "I can get a job," he said. But his mother shook her head. "You need to keep playing football. That's your ticket. We'll find a way." Their family scrimped and saved. He gave his food away to his family claiming he'd already eaten at the community center with Carl. He said he didn't need clothes or football gear because Carl had enough in donations. It was true, but it always came with a price. But Sarah went to college the next fall, and he was happy.

Images of women and playing football in college and working as a police officer in Chicago flashed in his mind very quickly, and then they slowed down when he dreamed about shaking Hotch's hand as he was offered a job. And he vowed he would do anything, _anything_, to be the man his father wanted him to be, and accepted the people he didn't even know, the team, as family that he vowed to protect.

The dream faded away and he saw himself driving an ambulance away from a hospital, a ticking bomb in the back, and all he kept thinking was his father saying, "You take care of them." He would rather die than have them die. And his mind remembered Emily's face in that moment, knowing that she was in that hospital. There was nothing going on, they hadn't even become quite that close yet, but there was something about her, something that put her at the forefront of his mind, something that propelled him into a horrifying situation because he just couldn't imaging the world without her. He drove, Garcia's voice in his ears, He flung his body out of the ambulance and landed with a jarring thud on grass and watched the ambulance explode.

And then another rapid scene replaced it, Emily laughing with him, Emily naked on his office desk, Emily slipping away from him on a cold warehouse floor as she asked him to let her go, Emily in his arms in her flat in London. And then her coming home, the images of his children strangely intermingled with the images of her; the way her hand flopped loosely on his pillowcase while her other hand remained on his back, soothing the scratches she'd put there. Her enigmatic smile and her muttered, "Jesus, Derek." The way she looked with snow caked on her jacket, laughing with Maddie as he and Devon and Henry pummeled her with snowballs. The look of absolute love and adoration on her face when he said, "I do," in a courthouse, and the look of infinite devotion when she said it back to him. Her gleeful face as she rode her her bike down the sidewalk with Maddie and Devon. How she got up to kiss him goodbye every morning, even if there was an absurdly early call, and whispered in his ear, "I love you, Derek Morgan."

He was actually holding onto that dream, not fighting it, when he felt it slipping from his grasp, darkness cancelling out the blinding light. He reached for her, but she was floating away from him and he screamed. "We're losing him!" he heard somewhere in the back of his mind, but all he could think was that he was losing _her_. He fell to his knees and beat his fists on the ground and screamed for Emily to come back.

He felt something, like someone had punched him forcefully in the chest. He felt it again, and then he was back in that bright, white room with his father. His father was still bleeding and clutching him, but Derek was no longer a young boy; he was a grown man. "I didn't mean it like this. You've done enough, Derek. More than enough. You're where you're supposed to be. You are a good man and I couldn't be more proud of you. Go live," he whispered to the adult Derek, who couldn't quite hold onto his father because he was surrounded by wires and his body hurt.

The dream faded and there was only blackness for a long time. The next thing he became aware of was a solid, familiar presence behind him. He still couldn't open his eyes, but for the first time in what felt like an eternity, he was content, without dreams, and he felt warm.

* * *

She became aware of familiar fingers clasping hers.

"Derek?" she whispered.

There was no answer. There was small light on in the room, but she could tell it was full night by the shadows cast from the window. She couldn't look at her watch to tell the exact time because that was on the arm currently being clutched by Derek.

She settled her head back down and waited. When the grasp on her hand started moving to a slow stroke against her arm, she tried again. "Derek?"

His voice was the most beautiful thing she'd ever heard. "It's a hell of a way to screw up an awesome tattoo."

In the thousands of first words she imagined hearing from him when he woke up, these hadn't even made the mental list in her mind, and maybe that was the point. She laughed quietly, joyfully. "At least they didn't have to shave your hair to stitch up your head."

"Silver linings," he whispered back.

Emily moved to stand and walked around to the other side of the bed, lowering the rail so she could sit on the edge and face him. She wanted to plead with him to give up his job, to pick something safer, because the desperation and the absolutely debilitating fear of potential loss after that initial phone call from Penelope could still send her heart knocking around in her chest if she thought about it. But she knew if the tables were turned, she would have hated hearing that. So she leaned her head forward and kissed him instead. "We'll have matching scars now."

She knew that wasn't quite true. The scar on her arm was small, from the graze of a bullet. His would likely be larger, from deep penetration. But that wasn't the point she was trying to convey. She was trying to give him love and acceptance, wherever he was at in his mind.

His right hand reached out and clutched her shirt with more strength than she thought he could muster in that moment, and he pulled her down, not stopping his clumsy tugs until she was laying on her side and facing him.

"We could get matching tattoos to cover them," he said huskily.

She smiled at him and her eyes swam with tears. He stared at her for a long time and then he bent his head forward to kiss her and whispered brokenly, "I can't do this job anymore, Em."

Relief crashed through her while her heart broke at the shattered sound of his voice saying that out loud. She brushed the waterfall of tears from her face. Her first thought was to say, "You don't have to," be he knew that.

The reality was that she'd been breaking herself from her career as the biggest part of her identity since she'd started going to therapy over a year ago, when she started actually believing that maybe there was something bigger and better and different for her out there that she deserved, like JJ had told her several times. When the time came, miraculously and unexpectedly, the transition was easy for her.

It wasn't that Derek never believed that there was a bigger life out there for him than just the BAU, but he'd never really separated his two realities. And now he was, in the worst possible way, as the result of a terrifying injury. And it was possible he would heal and change his mind, but looking in his eyes, she didn't think so.

She reached out and touched his face, his beautiful face that was alive, that she just wanted to bury herself in and never come up for air. "I trusted you to help me find a part of me I didn't think I had in me. Trust me to help you find a different side of yourself, too. We'll find it together and we'll still be happy," she breathed.

He smiled at her. "I do trust you. You're the best part of what I've ever dreamed of."

Then his eyes drooped again. Emily stood and reached for her purse. She texted Fran, Hotch, Penelope and JJ, trusting them to pass the message along that Derek was awake and talking. She turned to look at him again and his eyes implored her. She laid back down on the bed, facing him. They did a careful dance with the wires on his body and she reached over him to pull up the side rail on the other side of his bed that she'd recently vacated. She settled her head back down and really took in his face and body. She could see the deep bruise on his neck and leaned forward to kiss him gently there.

"I'm okay," he whispered sleepily.

"You're my ass-kicking Derek Morgan. Of course you are," she replied quietly.

She felt him laugh and nuzzle her head slightly. "I don't want to learn the market value of my heart and soul in an alley with a sociopath. I want to be talking about it with you when we're eighty and walking to visit our grandchildren."

Derek's energy left him and his breathing evened out again. With her head buried between his slinged arm and his neck, she thought she'd never heard more beautiful words spoken before, and she let her eyes close.

It was oddly and wonderfully one of the best nights of sleep she'd ever experienced.


	35. Chapter 35

_A/N - Thanks for your patience waiting for this chapter. I've been spending intense hours with a programming project at work and could not face a computer when I got home in the evenings. Plus I had the spring cold from hell that I couldn't shake._

_Hope you all are having a fabulous Saturday!_

* * *

They spent a day at Bellevue, a day intermingled with facetime calls with the kids and Fran, and the team stopping by. Derek was doing well, but his head still hurt and his blood pressure fluctuated to the point that his doctor wanted to keep him under observation another night.

Fran had assured them that everything was okay at home. Maddie and Devon were sad and missed them, but not as worried now that they knew Derek was going to be okay. Sarah had decided to stay an extra day to help out, and Penelope was there most of the time as well. Fran told Emily that JJ had stopped by and had had a private conversation with Maddie. She didn't know what was said, but after that Maddie seemed to be more hopeful and happy, and less terrified and sullen.

Emily left Derek with Rossi and Reid and took a cab to the hotel the team had been staying at, letting herself in Derek's room. She gathered up Derek's things and packed them in his bag, and debated a shower, wishing for some clean clothes to change into.

A knock on the door distracted her from her thoughts. She looked through the peephole and saw Ashley standing there. She opened the door and let Ashley in, and Ashley promptly handed her a bag and started rambling. "I picked up a few things for you at the store, a new shirt and underwear. I went with yoga pants because I wasn't sure what size jeans to get and figured the jeans you had on would still work if you preferred them. I got you a toothbrush. And a brush, because I didn't figure Derek had one."

That last line ended in something that was almost a smile, but Emily couldn't for the life of her figure out why Ashley was so seemingly nervous, and had been since Emily had walked into that hospital. Ashley had been around their house with the team on a few occasions over the the past few months, and they were building a comfortable sort of friendship.

Emily smiled and took the bag. "Thank you. Now what gives? Why do you look like you want to run away every time you're within a foot of me?"

Seaver turned stunned eyes on her and then looked down, talking quickly again. "I've pretty much been Reid's partner since I came back to the BAU. But we've gone out a couple of dates even though we shouldn't have until I was back with my other unit, and last weekend, we...well..."

Ashley trailed off and her cheeks flushed and Emily couldn't help herself, the giddy laugh slipping past her lips before she could put a halt to it. "No kidding? I wasn't quite sure Dr. Reid had it in him."

Ashley smiled, and laughed lightly, too, her cheeks going even redder.

Emily might have felt differently if Derek hadn't been doing so well, her initial reaction to the reality that had put Derek in that alley might have been anger. But even then, the realist that now was a prominent part of her persona would have eventually prevailed.

She reached out and put a hand on the younger agent's shoulder. "So you and Spencer decided it would be better if you weren't paired together anymore because you didn't want anything clouding your judgement on a case. And now you're blaming yourself because Derek went with Reid yesterday and Derek got hurt," Emily stated softly.

Ashley nodded, despair and shame clouding her face. Emily smiled at her. "Well, knock it off. Derek's alive and going to be fine. This job comes with huge risks, risks you all signed on for, and fate throws us curve balls all the time, some good and some bad. If we traced every bad thing back to where we might have changed the outcome, we'd all go crazy. And blaming yourself will eat you alive. Happiness and comfort and love comes to us in unpredictable ways. The fortunate ones are able to grab hold and go with it. Just hold onto the good things, Ashley."

Seaver looked up and her and stared for several seconds before nodding. Emily bent forward to give her a hug. "I'm going to shower quickly and get back to the hospital. Thank you for the clothes. And, Ashley, I really hope you decide to join us in Virginia Beach."

* * *

Late in the afternoon on Saturday, Emily and Derek got into a rental car and started the drive back to Virginia. Neither was thrilled with the idea of driving, just wanting to get home, but the doctor didn't want Derek flying given his recent concussion. So the team had flown back earlier that morning, after Hotch had stopped by the hospital with the keys to a rental car.

Maddie was the least thrilled with the driving arrangement. Though she'd been relieved and then thrilled every time she talked with Derek and Emily on the phone, the idea that her parents were going to be in a car for several long hours scared her, given everything that had happened in her young life.

Emily promised to check in frequently on the drive, promised that they would be safe, promised they would wake Maddie if she was already asleep when they got home.

Derek was still on pain medication and fell asleep as soon as the car got on the freeway, waking groggily here and there, and smiling at Emily as she drove, whispering that he loved her. On her part, she kept one hand on the steering wheel, and one on his leg. Aside from that brief hour in the hotel the day before and some short trips to the bathroom at the hospital, she hadn't been able to bring herself to stop touching him. She'd slept beside him in the hospital bed again the night before, carefully holding his body, feeling safest with his beating heart right against hers.

They'd agreed that they weren't going to officially tell the team about him leaving the BAU until after the wedding. They didn't want that happy week clouded with sadness, and Derek would be on medical leave for a couple of months anyway. A small part of her thought Rossi and Hotch probably already knew or suspected, just by the way they looked at her and Derek.

She never broke the speed limit, her body tense and her eyes more alert than usual on the road, in deference to Maddie. At seven o'clock that evening, in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, Emily woke Derek so they could have dinner, so he could eat and take his medicine.

His bleary eyes looked at her before looking out the car window. "Gettysburg?" he asked.

She touched his cheek. "Yep. Not too far from home now."

"The world will little note nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here," he responded quietly.

Emily found many meanings behind his quote from the Gettysburg Address. The happiness of having him alive and beside her waned a bit, the sharp edges of worry filtering into her heart. She didn't know a Derek Morgan without the BAU, didn't know how he would cope with that in the long term.

She leaned her body over towards his seat and kissed his cheek. "You've done enough, Derek, and everyone will remember that."

She watched him blink and turn teary eyes towards hers. "My father said almost the same thing to me, when I was dreaming while I was unconscious. And you're both wrong."

Emily was stunned and her eyes opened wide. He smiled and reached his right hand over his his body and slinged arm to touch her face. "I have done enough when it comes to fighting the bad guys, Em. No one important to me will ever forget that. But I haven't done enough for you and the kids yet. I've got no clue what the future holds for my career, except to know that it holds me in a safer job, where my priority is just loving you and Maddie and Devon and Ella. That's ultimately what I want my legacy to be."

But he _had_ done enough. That was her first thought. He'd done more than she thought was possible before, in terms of teaching her about unconditional love and letting someone love her completely. Before her tears could overwhelm her, because, frankly, she felt she'd done enough crying the past couple of days, she leaned forward again and kissed him. "It already is your legacy," she whispered against his lips.

An hour later they were back on the road. There was late-night road work on the highway in Maryland that slowed their driving time considerably, but a little less than two hours after they left Gettysburg, they were approaching home.

It was after ten o'clock at night, and Emily and Derek assumed that Fran and Sarah were probably waiting up, but that the kids would be asleep. However, when she pulled into the driveway, she noticed a small figure sitting in one of the chairs on the front porch, her smiling face illuminated by her iPad screen, her faithful dog sitting by her side.

Derek quickly exited the car and walked up to the porch, where Maddie now stood. Sammy whined softly and sniffed Derek, tail wagging rapidly, but unsure of the new smells on his body.

"Penelope set it up for me," Maddie said softly, showing them the flashing red dot on the screen of her iPad. "I watched you the whole way home. I only came outside a minute ago."

She set the iPad down on the chair, her eyes filled with tears and she stepped towards Derek. He used the railing on the porch to balance himself and knelt down on one knee. Maddie looked at his slinged arm and then back at his face before stepping forward and gently wrapping her arms around his neck. "You came home," she whispered in his ear.

Derek hugged her with his free arm and cried. "I always will. I love you, Maddie."

Maddie sniffled and smiled and caught Emily's eye over Derek's shoulder. "I love you, too, you creep," she said with a teary smile.

Derek laughed and stood and Maddie moved to hug Emily around the waist. Emily bent to kiss the top of her head. "Where's everyone else?"

Arms still around Emily's waist, Maddie looked up and smiled. "They all tried to stay up. Come see."

Maddie led them upstairs, stopping first at Devon's room where he and Sarah were passed out on Devon's bed. Next she showed them her room, where Penelope, who was probably sitting next to Maddie in the bed, watching the iPad screen, had eventually succumbed to sleep. Finally, they approached Ella's room. Ella was sleeping soundly in her crib and Fran was sleeping on an air mattress on the floor.

"She said she thought you'd feel better if she stayed close to Ella while she slept," Maddie whispered.

Fran opened her eyes at those words and sat up. She caught her son's eyes and, surprisingly, did not cry. She stood and nodded her head firmly at Derek, like him not coming home wasn't even something she'd considered a possibility. She hugged him and kissed both of his cheeks and ran her thumbs against his the skin on his face.

"Enough?" she asked him, like she knew the decision he would make about his career long before he ever uttered it out loud.

He nodded at Fran and gripped his stronger right arm around her slight frame. "Enough, Mama."

She smiled. "Good. Because I didn't want to have to punch you in your good arm."

Emily let the words wash over her. She'd lived with the slight fear of something happening to Derek for a handful of months, and lived with the reality of what it felt like for a couple of days. Fran Morgan had lived with that fear for decades. Fran had let her son be who he wanted to be, had supported him, but had probably died a little death inside the second Derek told her he was joining the police academy after college.

Emily glanced at Ella in her crib and then back at Fran. She reached forward and pulled Fran to her. "Thank you for taking care of them," she whispered thickly.

They made the rounds to the bedrooms again. Fran woke Sarah, who hugged her brother fiercely before heading down to the basement with her mom.

Derek leaned over and kissed Devon's cheek, and Devon kept sleeping.

They went to Maddie's room and woke Penelope, who cried happily and hugged them both, then gave a parting hug to Maddie before she left the house to head home.

They got Maddie settled into bed, a content Sammy curling up at her feet. They sat on the edge of the bed and Derek held Maddie's hand.

"Nana said JJ stopped by to talk to you," Emily whispered. "What did she say?"

Maddie smiled sleepily. "She said that she'd known you both for a long time and that she had no doubt that both of you together with the three of us was your destiny, and there was nothing in the world that was going to stop that. She said she believed that with everything inside her and I needed to believe that, too."

Emily blinked back tears and smiled, gently touching Maddie's face. "She's right."

Derek smiled at Emily and held onto Maddie's hand until she drifted off into a peaceful slumber.

Emily was leading Derek to their bedroom when he paused. He let go of Emily's hand and went to stand in Ella's doorway for a second before moving to sit in the rocking chair in his baby's bedroom. "Can you get her for me?" he asked Emily.

Emily nodded and stepped towards the crib, carefully lifting Ella so she wouldn't walk up. She settled the baby against Derek's chest, on his right side, and Ella squirmed a bit before resting her cheek against Derek's shoulder and dropping off into sleep again.

Derek brushed his cheek against the top of Ella's head and Emily watched a couple of tears make a path down his face. "I was so scared, Em," he whispered.

Emily stepped closer and kissed his forehead. "Me, too."

* * *

Derek and Emily sat in the front row with Maddie and Declan at Devon's small junior kindergarten graduation. Ella sat on Emily's lap, babbling excitedly as the students filled the stage in front of them, screeching excitedly when she saw Devon. It was his last day of school, though Maddie still had one more to go. The ceremony took place at lunch time so older siblings at the school could attend.

Devon was all smiles. He sang sweet songs with his class and grinned excitedly when he received his little diploma. He'd made huge strides the past few months and was more than ready for Kindergarten now. Derek couldn't remember the last time he'd heard his son stutter. And ten days ago, the day after Derek came home from the hospital, perhaps feeling that he needed to do something to celebrate the homecoming, Devon had spontaneously appeared in the living room with his box of emergency food, asking if he could store it in the basement with the rest of their supplies.

Derek was spending more and more time during the days with his arm out of his sling, though he still slept with it at night, as a subtle reminder in his slumber to not roll over on that arm, He was healing, the pain was receding though he still had to be careful, and he and Emily had started talking a lot at night about different career options for him.

So far nothing had particularly stood out in his mind as exciting. There were options, but nothing that he was that enthusiastic about. There was teaching or training at Quantico, but he thought being that close to headquarters would be difficult for him. There was a position as head of security at the Capitol building, but that didn't really remove him from risk, a risk he was trying to avoid. Emily had expressed the idea of getting a full-time job with the State Department herself, and he could look for part-time work and be home more, but that wasn't exactly appealing to him either.

He loved the kids, loved being home with them all, but he wanted something that kept him busy, something he loved enough and was different enough that he wouldn't dwell on what he was giving up. Though leaving the BAU was absolutely the right decision for him and his family, he knew as his arm got stronger that he was going to keenly feel the loss of being an agent, the loss of the team, the loss of what was once such a huge part of him.

After Devon's ceremony, Declan took off because he had a final exam to take. Maddie stayed with them for a bit, enjoying the snacks and hugging Devon several times, but then Derek left with her, to walk her back to the middle school building. On the return trip to the preschool building, Derek was stopped when a unique, booming voice called out, "Mr. Morgan?"

Derek stopped and turned to face Robert Mason, the director of the school. Robert smiled. "I was hoping to catch up with you or Emily today. I have all the paperwork here for Devon and Maddie, so you can fill it out with their new last names and put your names on the lines as parents instead of legal guardians, once the adoption goes through next week. That way you can just mail it all back and everything will be in place for the start of school next fall."

Robert handed Derek a manila envelope and considered Derek's face before continuing. "I typically spend the lunch hour making my way around the school, visiting with the kids. I've had the opportunity to speak with Maddie on several occasions."

Derek smiled, not sure where Robert was going with this conversation. "She loves it here."

Robert nodded. "She is a fabulous student and an asset to this community. I'm glad she's here. She told me a couple of months back that you used to play football in college."

Derek nodded. "All four years."

Robert nodded back. "Did you know that our high school football coach decided to retire? He also teaches physical education. It's going to be quite a loss to us, but his first grandbaby was born this spring and he and his wife want to move to Colorado to be near the family."

Derek raised his eyebrows. "I didn't know that."

Robert shrugged. "Maddie told me last week that you likely won't be returning to the FBI after your accident. So I thought I'd throw it out there."

Surprised, Derek's initial reaction was to smile slightly and shake his head. "I don't have a credential, and I've never really coached football except for a rec league back at home as an assistant coach."

Robert grinned. "The beauty of a private school. We're not bound by absolutely needing that credential, at least not at first. Though we like all of our teachers to be credentialed, we give people we think would be a good fit at the school a couple of years to obtain the necessary paperwork. Part of what makes our school unique is that we often bring in faculty who come from different walks of life. We have ex politicians, ex military, even one person who used to work for the FBI. Many of our high school students are here on full scholarship, and I think they might benefit from an influence such as yourself." Robert paused and smiled. "Anyway, it's just a thought. You'd have summers off with your children unless you chose to work during our summer programs. The hours in the fall would be longer, but the rest of the year would just be a typical school day. The salary would be less than what you have now, but your kids would get free tuition. Faculty positions don't open up here frequently. We're reviewing applications next Monday if you'd like to get yours in there. Everything's online if you're interested."

Robert shook Derek's hand and smiled again, before turning back around towards the administration building. Derek mulled Robert's words over in his mind. He walked slowly back towards the preschool building, his smile growing at the thought of making his mark on the world, in terms of his career, in an an entirely different way than he'd ever considered doing before. He imagined traveling with young men to away games and making sure they were absolutely safe and secure, instead of depressed and fearful like he was in high school at the hands of Carl Buford. As he swiftly took the steps back to where Emily was, he felt his face stretch at the full-blown smile, and actually envisioned himself positively influencing young people, armed with a whistle instead of a gun.

* * *

Derek stood Devon on the bench in the courtroom and smiled at his son while he straightened his little tie. He looked around at his family, but avoided Emily's eyes, because from the moment they'd woken up that morning, they'd gotten emotional every time they met each other's eyes. They wanted the pictures on this day to show their happy faces without red-rimmed eyes or tear tracks on their faces.

Maddie was more excited than Derek had ever seen her, hardly able to keep her body still, spontaneously reaching out and hugging whomever was closest. When Emily had finally taken her shopping a few days before, Maddie had chosen matching dresses for herself and Ella, with a tie for Devon that had the same colors in it.

Ella had no clue what was going on, just that she was being passed between from one person to another and happily slobbering on and grinning at whomever held her while she chomped on her favorite toy.

Rose was there with Mrs. Murphy. Elizabeth was there. Fran was there. Both of his sisters were there. JJ and Will were there with Grace and Henry. Penelope had briefly left headquarters to be there with Hotch's permission, but the rest of the team wasn't there since they were finishing up a case in South Carolina, their last case before the week in Virginia Beach began in just a couple of days.

Ten minutes later, the judge entered the courtroom and they all stood. Seconds later, the entrance doors to the courtroom banged opened and Hotch came barreling in with Jack, followed by Reid, Rossi and Ashley.

Derek watched Emily laugh and choke back on a sob. Maddie gave a heartfelt, "Yay!"

The judge raised one eyebrow and smiled. "Are we ready to proceed now?" she asked.

Derek and Emily nodded. Derek sat Devon on his lap and Emily held Ella. Maddie sat in a chair between them, swinging her legs and grinning.

Then Maddie reached her hands out so each one rested on one of their shoulders. "I love you. It's really happening," she whispered.


	36. Chapter 36

The house was stunning, and just as impressive from the inside as it was from the outside. It was located along the Lynnhaven Bay and had its own little private beach. Whomever had decorated it, likely someone very expensive, had somehow managed to make nearly fourteen thousand square feet feel cozy. It was more like a small hotel in a lot of ways - the large, gourmet kitchen looked like what you might find in a restaurant, and one counter opened up into the dining area via roll-up cabinets, where breakfast and lunch could be served buffet-style, from warming trays; dinner would be served to the tables. The dining room looked out over the water, and contained seven tables that each sat four people, rather than one large table. The pool was off to one side of the house, mostly private from the bay.

Emily had laughed when Maddie stepped into the foyer, sporting her new basketball jersey that was left on their front porch by Coach Barnes on the day of the adoption - a jersey that now read her number and Morgan on the back. She hadn't really taken it off for two days. When they got to the house in Virginia Beach, she put her hands on her hips and looked around and exclaimed, "You've got to be kidding me!"

And Emily had snapped a picture from that back, a picture of her daughter with her head tossed back, looking at the high ceilings of the crazy huge house, and her hair piled high on the top of her head in a bun, and MORGAN right there on her back, like a badge of honor she was so proud of and happy with.

Somehow, getting to Virginia Beach seemed like the end cap on a journey they'd all taken together. It was time to enjoy the actual arrival of their family. The wedding was a period, rather than an exclamation point. The exclamation point had happened in that courtroom two days before when Emily had had to swiftly hand Ella off to Fran because once the papers were signed, Maddie had literally crawled into her arms, crying and laughing with her face buried against Emily's neck.

It was a moment Emily hoped she could remember down to the last detail for the rest of her life.

The first few days in Virginia Beach were a blur of pictures. The team, for all of their declarations of a being a family, had never really relaxed together like that for an extended period of time. It took about twenty-four hours for them to find their groove. And then it was just happy, sometimes unbelievable, memories.

She took a picture of Declan teaching Devon to swim. She took pictures of Derek's sisters holding Ella. She took countless photographs of Maddie, Jack, Henry and Devon playing in the pool or at the beach. Pictures of Ella laughing while sitting next to Sammy on the beach. And then her phone snapped pictures of things she needed to look at twice to verify that they were real:

Her mother in a wide-brimmed hat tapping the neck of a beer bottle with Penelope's, while they both laughed.

Reid in a lounge chair with Ella asleep in one arm and Grace asleep in the other.

Rossi pushing Hotch off the edge of a canoe.

Maddie holding Ella in the swimming pool, her face lit up with love and happiness, while Derek carefully shadowed them.

A walk to an ice cream parlor where she stayed behind her family, and the perfect silhouette capture of Ella on Derek's shoulders and Devon and Maddie's faces turned to the side looking up at him.

Fran sitting on the edge of the pool with her head tilted back and a serene smile on her face, like she knew her son would always end up there, with all of that love, at some point.

There was an abundance of good food and everywhere she turned there was laughter. On the fourth day there, Ashley and Spencer gave up their charade, to the delight of everyone in the house. It was subtle, because that's who they both were as people, but Emily managed to snap a few pictures of the two of them holding hands, on the back deck and on the beach.

And in all of it, there was the one picture that was, perhaps, her favorite, or at least right up there. It was a picture she managed to get of Derek's face as he came at her saying, "I'm not sure I know what you look like anymore without a phone in front of your face taking pictures."

What she liked best about the picture was that all the love in the world was evident in his smile, even if his eyes were covered by sunglasses. And if she zoomed in on the picture on her phone, she could see her own face in the reflection of his sunglasses, sharing the same look of adoring and unconditional love.

His sling was gone. His scar didn't seem to bother him. He'd been hired at the school as a physical education instructor and head football coach; neither of them were sure if that was just going to be a short stop over or permanent, but they both accepted that for now, it was enough. It was new and different and far removed from law enforcement, which was what Derek wanted for the time being.

Emily took pictures and counted the days until their wedding. She held her children and played with them. She laughed with her friends and family. And, at night, finally, she was able to sleep with Derek's chest pressed against her back again, because his left arm no longer hurt him when he wrapped it around her, and she no longer had to be worried that movements during the night would hurt him.

The only missing piece was Tom, who said he couldn't make it, but she'd expected that. And Clyde, who also could not attend. She didn't think Clyde would feel like such an absence, but he'd turned into a different person since she'd told him about Maddie, and there was a part of her that wished he could be there for the end cap.

Derek had his mom and sisters to tie him to his past life and carry him, in ceremonial fashion, into this new life. She had her mother, but her mother, for all the strides they'd made together, really knew very little about the life Emily had lived for over two decades. It didn't feel quite the same.

Still, she wasn't complaining. If she could paint a picture of perfect for herself, that house, the team, her children and all the kids, Fran and Derek's sisters, and Declan and her mom was pretty damned close, closer to perfection that many people could ever hope for in their lives.

And in the middle of all that perfection, she tried to come up with the perfect wedding vows.

* * *

The first Sunday in Virginia Beach was Father's Day, and Derek woke up alone in bed. But he wasn't alone in the room. Ella was across the way, babbling in her crib and looking at him. When she saw his eyes opened, she grinned and pulled herself up to standing. She rested her chin against the edge of the crib and said, clear as a bell, "Dada!"

He'd been waiting for it. She'd been saying Mama pretty clearly for a few weeks now, and he was waiting patiently for his turn. That it happened with no witnesses was probably best, because his heart overfilled and then his eyes followed suit.

He stood from the bed and went to gather their baby in his arms. It was the best time for holding her, where sleep hadn't totally left her yet, and she was content to snuggle and rest her head on your shoulder, instead of trying to squirm away and try out her new skills of crawling, pulling up, and walking around things with support.

He picked her up and she nestled her head against his shoulder and sighed, "Ah...dada...dada...dada…"

Like one of the many mornings he'd had in the past several months, he blinked back tears and wondered how the hell he'd managed to get there.

A few minutes later, Maddie and Devon burst through the bedroom door with Emily, breakfast on a tray, and smiles on a their faces. Maddie presented him with a small box and he sat on the bed with Ella in his lap, surrounded by Devon and Maddie, while he opened it. Inside was a whistle, for his new job, and etched onto the top was #1 Dad.

It was after he started in on his breakfast, when Emily was holding Ella, and Maddie and Devon had disappeared to join the other kids in the house in whatever morning adventures they were up to, that Emily took the whistle out of its box again and turned it over.

On the backside was another engraving he hadn't noticed, with much smaller print: "My ass-kicking coach with a heart of gold."

They both looked at each other and laughed, on the edge of tears, but neither letting themselves fall over.

* * *

Their wedding was strange - strange and beautiful and amazing, and something only the two of them could pull off in the midst of their own unique, non-traditionalism.

There were things that felt normal, like something a new bride would experience. JJ and Penelope helping her and Maddie do their hair felt normal. JJ whispering in her ear, "I've wanted this for you and Derek for five years, four months and twenty-seven days, since that night in the hotel in Paris after we left DC," was strange and beautiful.

Her mother coming in to see her and telling her everything was ready downstairs was normal. Her mother tearing up and touching her face and saying, "I still can't believe you're mine. Thank you for letting me do this for you," was strange and beautiful.

Being nervous walking down the stairs, even though she and Derek were already married, was something she considered as a regular experience. Getting to the doorway to the backyard and completely freezing to the point that she couldn't move her knees forward was not. Her family and friends were there. Her children were there. Ella was practically screeching, "Mama, Mama, Mama."

She liked how her simple cream dress felt on her body, and she could see Maddie at the end of the aisle with a small bouquet in her hands, a similar dress on her body. She could see Devon in his suit standing next to Derek, and she could see Derek there waiting for her. In her mind, she told herself that it was just Derek and they were already married, and all the people gathered there were people she loved, and there was no reason to be nervous. The waves crashed gently beyond Derek, she could hear the distant motor of a speed boat, and she could focus on his eyes, but she still couldn't propel her body forward.

Getting married to Derek in secret was easy. But declaring herself like this in front of other people, when she never saw herself married, never saw herself in love like this, never saw herself with children, was something else entirely.

When the music ended and the chef at the house, who was moonlighting as DJ for the moment, hastily restarted it, when Derek and Maddie were looking at her like something must be wrong, when she saw Rossi and Hotch move in their seats, as if to come and get her, it was Declan who stood first, who placed a hand on first Hotch's shoulder and then Rossi's as he passed them, who made his way down the aisle towards her.

Renewing their vows after only being married for a few months may have been normal for her and Derek. Deciding to forgo tradition and having no one walk her down the aisle may have seemed right given their situation, back when she'd made that decision weeks ago. But it didn't feel right now, it felt like something was missing.

When Declan leaned forward and whispered in her ear, "When I was five, the night before those men came and took me and Louise from the villa, you tucked me into bed. You told me that life was sometimes strange and sometimes unpredictable and sometimes scary. You told me that you'd always find me and hold my hand if life got like that for me, and that's really all anyone needed, was someone they trusted just to hold their hand."

Linking his arms with hers would have been moderately normal, but only moderately because she was in her forties and he was sixteen and trying to give her away at her wedding. The fact that he reached out in that moment and took her hand in his was strange and beautiful. And she found her footing in that moment. She held Declan's hand and made her way towards Derek, realizing that there was someone there that really knew her during the darkest part of herself, an unbelievable sixteen year old young man, right there in the backyard of a mansion on the edge of the ocean.

When she finally got to Derek and Declan release her, Derek took her hands in his. "You okay?"

"Perfect," she whispered back.

The non-denominational minister who renewed their vows was a blur to her. They went through the motions while she stared into Derek's eyes. She was afraid for a moment that when it came time to actually say real vows written by her, she'd freeze again, that publicly declaring her love for Derek would be impossible for someone like her. But that didn't happen.

It was strange and beautiful and not impossible at all.

Never breaking eye contact with him, she started in a whisper and then quickly moved to speaking clearly. She wanted them all to hear the simple, short lines that summed up her life.

_I searched for a long time for someone to share my life with, and then I gave up. I stopped believing I deserved that, or that I'd ever find it. _

_But you were there long before I admitted it to myself, and still I denied that it was real or true or that I deserved it. _

_But you came and got me when it mattered the most. You forced me to face my truth with your arms around me. You made me believe that you'd love me unconditionally. And through the ups and downs of uncertainty, I realized that for a woman who had always felt herself adrift, I was now anchored. I look forward to the rest of my life being anchored to you. _

* * *

Their friends and family slowly filtered out of the house the morning after the wedding, along with the house staff. The last to leave were Derek's mom and sisters, along with the kids. Emily kissed them all goodbye several times, though she wasn't as worried as she once was; Fran and Sarah had managed the kids just fine without them when she and Derek had been in New York.

She closed the door to the house and peered out around the curtains of the side window as Ella, Maddie and Devon were swept towards home and they were left alone for two days. When she let the curtains fall and turned around, she faced a completely naked Derek Morgan.

Her breath caught in the middle of a light laugh. "What are you doing?"

He stalked his prey carefully, a half grin on his face and his eyebrows moving comically. "I believe on Christmas morning you said we'd find a time when everything settled down and you'd show me exactly how you felt about me and there wouldn't be clothes at all."

Emily laughed again. "I said pajamas, as in night time," but even as she said it, she was pulling her shirt off and unhooking her bra. His strong arms came around her when her shorts and underwear were somewhere around her ankles, his face nestled against her neck and his lips pressed warm kisses there.

"Semantics, Emily," he murmured.

She laughed again. His lips moved up her neck and to her cheek before finding her lips. They battled for control of the kiss, but she finally conceded and languidly wrapped her arms around him, trying to hold on for whatever ride he was planning to take her on this time.

When her limbs were trembling and her knees felt weak and her skin was covered in goosebumps, he pulled away from her slightly. He waited until she managed to open her eyes and focus on him before smiling.

Then he smacked her butt playfully and grinned before pulling completely away from her. "Race you to the pool!" he shouted over his shoulder.

There was never a sexier sight than Derek Morgan running through a mansion completely naked. It took her a second to gather herself before she chuckled again and kicked the shorts off her ankles, before following him out the side doors of the house and jumping into the water.

It took him only a few seconds before his arms were completely back around her and he was kissing her again.

_Life, and living, are pretty damned perfect._

"I told you so," he said.

She didn't know she'd spoken aloud. She smiled and said a slightly altered version again. "Life with you is pretty perfect, Derek."

* * *

_A/N - Loved this one. Hope to revisit this family again in the future! Thanks for all the reviews and encouragement. You make my day! :)_


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